Betrayed When His Boyfriend Dumped Him Over the Holidays

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Dear Elsa,

I was recently in a long-term relationship of over 2 years. It was also a long distance relationship but my boyfriend and I managed to see each other many times a year. We were totally in love. We had even made plans to marry after we finished school.

But then things changed 4 months ago; he just started becoming distant. He came out to his parents and they told him to stay away from me and not to talk to me. I was so hurt and shattered that he didn’t stick up for us with all the promises he made to me. I didn’t hear from him over the holidays. His last call was on Dec.18. I received a couple of text messages here and there saying that he would call me but I never heard from him. On Christmas he didn’t even call. He just left or apparently broke up with me without telling me

I’m so lost I feel like I am broken in two and my heart is shattered because it has been two weeks since I have heard from him. What do I do? Do I move on? Do I try to call? I feel like I can’t move on without answers. He made so many promises and then broke my heart what do I do? How can I trust again? I thought he was the one for me – he declared his love for me and proposed to me too. Please help me? I am scared out of my mind that he left me for someone else. How could he do this to me? Please help!!!

Abandoned
Canada

Dear Abandoned,

There is no way to spin this experience so that you come out less traumatized and I feel horrible for you. There is no crueler way to break up with someone and all I can do is try to give you a clear read from the outside in the hopes it brings small comfort.

First, I think you are well within your rights to do anything you want. Write, call, or show up wherever he might be to confront him if you think this will help you heal. However, I don’t think he’s coming back. And it’s been long enough now you’d be well advised to let your thinking and your feelings shift from holding out hope to beginning to accept the reality that you wouldn’t want him back. Because would you?

Regardless of what you had (and I believe it was substantial), you are a Scorpio with four planets in the sign and you must see this man cannot be trusted. He has shattered your relationship totally, and utterly betrayed and abandoned you… and what this makes him is a loser! Seriously. And tell you something else.

He won’t get away with it. If you wonder if he’s just skipping along with his new man, I assure you, he is not. You just can’t pull this kind of thing and be okay. On the surface, maybe. But on a deeper level this is going to gnaw at him until the end of time unless he surfaces and makes some effort to do right by you.

Not that you should wait for that! You have to start looking forward and as painful as this is, you are 22 years old. And you are going to have all kinds of experiences. You are going to meet better men for sure! In fact, someday you’ll look back and thank your lucky stars you got rid of this guy when you did, because anyone who would do this to their lover is worthless like a 3 dollar bill.

And I know you have to mourn but be specific about it. Mourn the fact you invested in an empty vessel, not the misguided notion you have lost the best man in the world. Because people with soul don’t behave like this and people with no soul? Well the sooner you can break with them, the better.

Be proud. You did nothing wrong. And have some faith because in the larger scheme there is a reason for this, like the universe clearing the decks, making space so the new and better man can come into the picture. Wanna bet?

You’re going to be okay.

Much love and good luck.

 

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Comments

Betrayed When His Boyfriend Dumped Him Over the Holidays — 10 Comments

  1. Abandoned, an intense, passionate, commited love such as yours requires reciprocation and only few people can withstand and appreciate your depth. I have Venus, Moon and Neptune in Scorpio so I am not for the faint of heart either, and, have on many an occassion scared the timid away.

    Your beau is/was timid and I cannot see you ever having respect for someone who could run away from commitment without so much as a goodbye.
    Elsa said it all when she said that he is an “empty vessel”.

    Put your sails up, Abandoned.Put them high in the wind so that others may see their fullness because it’s time to leave port and that “empty vessel” behind. I wish you the love you seek and so deserve.

  2. Abandoned,

    I’m sad to read about what happened, but on the positive side you get to live and learn and love another day.

    Some people who make promises, especially love promises are untrustworthy. They cannot keep their word. They don’t always know what they are promising either – what the ideal is like when spelled out in reality.

    Therefore through the years I learned to value actions more than words. Put my heart on hold a little until there seems more evidence that the person I’m going to hand it to seems trustworthy.

    There are no guarantees though. And all of love is a risk. It doesn’t mean that everyone will betray you though, or that you shouldn’t trust and love again when your heart recovers from the brusises. Be cauitious by all means, just don’t freeze yourself in the place where you stop loving so that no one can get ya/hurt you/connect with you again.

    GOod luck.

  3. I agree with Elsa, Jamie and Nia that you’re going to have to let go of him — if he’s just come out to his family and getting pressured by them, there’s little hope that he’s going to be able to resolve things anytime soon. As a fellow Scorpio, I know you deserve someone who is worthy of all the love you have to give. Better to allow that person to come than to hang too long onto someone you’ve lost. You may never get the answers you’d like — at least not from him. That said, you are strong, Scorpio; you must learn to love again.

    Its unfortunate that your bf hasn’t been able to be upfront with you about what’s going on and give you the kind of closure you’d like. I don’t agree with Elsa’s (or the other comments) that your bf is a “loser” or an “empty vessel.” Coming out is very difficult and it sounds like he’s been forced to choose between his family and you. Its a choice that no one should be forced to make. I doubt its how he wanted things to work out either, but sometimes we can’t live up to the promises we’ve made… I think we’ve all been in that situation. Hopefully, in time you’ll find compassion for him and for yourself and once again be able to find the love you deserve.

  4. ” I don’t agree with Elsa’s (or the other comments) that your bf is a “loser” or an “empty vessel.” Coming out is very difficult and it sounds like he’s been forced to choose between his family and you.”

    I know that there are people who live their lives through and for their family members but if they do are they really a “full” person? Or just a facsimile?
    I think anyone who can allow themselves to bend with the wind is definitely an “empty vessel”….it takes “weight” to stay the course and see things through to the very end.

  5. I remember what it was like before I came out of the closet and the realistic fear I had that I could lose my family, which was the only slim connection keeping me here in this world. Perhaps that made me a “facsimile” or an “empty vessel.” Perhaps I wanted the love and support I had rarely allowed myself to feel that would allow me to grow into more than was at the time. I can’t know what’s going on in this other guy’s world but I can certainly envision myself in a similar situation and I can understand why he made some of the choices he made. This is a bad outcome of a bad situation for both of them. They both deserve our love and understanding, just as we all do.

  6. We all make mistakes in love, a fact of life and maturity IMO. I rarely hear stories of people hitting the jackpot in love their first time around. I suspect it’s as common as winning the lottery.

    Your ex-bf is gay so there is no future in the relationship. The way he has handled the break up is entirely immature, coming out isn’t an excuse to behave like an idiot. I’ve seen people drift out of relationships like this in the past, where things sorta end gradually without a formal break up. That’s OK for someone you just started seeing but not for a longterm serious relationship. It screws up the person on the receving end of it left wondering what happened without closure. Abadoned deserves better than this. And the way I see it her ex is still a boy and not a man, because men take care of their responsibilities. I think he just started his road to being a man by coming out.

    Abandoned, I think you should orchestrate a confrontation with this guy in order to get closure. Ambush him somewhere so he can’t ignore you if you must. I don’t think he is a loser or an empty vessel for what he did (quite the opposite I thnk he is learning to be himself) but he is still a kid.

  7. **sigh** Ambushes don’t really work, in my experience. They just call ya crazy and walk away, not understanding how deeply you need an answer. Someone else may have had a different experience to me, but I found it to be a worthless try.

  8. On Dec 24th I left my boyfriend.. first serious relationship. Went on a bus and went 8 hours to a friends place and Now I am still here. I don’t even know how It came it was 10am and he left to buy some eggs. I packed… called a friend for a ride … didn’t tell anyone besides my friend and got out of there. OH well….

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