Beyond The Empty Nest – Shock

I found myself in an empty nest, suddenly and unexpectedly.  We moved across the country; this was planned. Our son was to move with us. As a matter of fact, our move was timed by his request. We were going to move, eventually. But he wanted to go to college here, so we moved a year before he graduated high school to establish residency.

He drove out here with us on the move. He was to fly back to Colorado, finish the school year and then come home…to the new home. It was six week gap.

Well, something happened. At some point he decided he was not going to move. He, uh…neglected to tell us this.

I smelled a problem fairly quickly, but could not confirm it for weeks. I was floored. Seriously, my husband was in a truck at the time. My son and I fixed our old house to sell and talked about moving on a daily basis. I had no inkling whatsoever, anything like this could happen.

He had Uranus and Pluto transiting his angles at the time…as well as his Moon, Mercury and Jupiter. Life upheaval, right? This is what was planned but in the end, he busted this move and I yes…I was DEVASTATED. What sixteen-year-old moves their family across the country…and then pulls this crap?

Well, I don’t know much about teenage boys. Thankfully, my husband was here. I also spoke with my friend, Ben, who teaches teenagers. They both told me I best hold my cards.  This is what boys do; he’s become a man.

Well it wasn’t easy.

He blew off my birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day…everything.  He did not speak to me for months…I wasn’t even sure I had his phone number. I did not want to call him, too afraid of being rejected.

I didn’t do anything to this kid, by the way.  Except move across the country at his request.

Eventually he was going to come visit here…everyone told me to be cool. He had these transits of course. He arrived detached. I really felt he came here to get his belongings….

Yeah, he’s a Taurus. And since he was moving here, his stuff was here outside of a few clothes for those last a weeks in school. In other words, it wasn’t a great visit.  He was cold. Standoffish. Guarded. Read to defend. But it was a visit, right?  That’s what my male advisors told me! This puberty crap is no joke with these boys…

So fast forward to today.  My son is in his sophomore year of college, he’s 18 years old. He’s an RA and a straight A student, studying engineering.  But here is what has me flabbergasted…

Well, first he’s visited a few times now; he’s become a person with a clean room – how about that? But beyond that, recently he added me to his snapchat.

Now I didn’t have “snapchat” but I signed on so I could see the jokes he posts.  I was pretty flattered he shared this with me. I told him, I was not going to make any remarks so I did not get blocked!

I have been enjoying his stories for a couple weeks. I learned to chat with him and then some other people started adding me. I ignored this. I don’t know anyone; I can barely use the thing. But then my son told me it was his friends adding me. Can you believe this?

Six of my son’s friends, and his GIRLFRIEND have added me on snapchat. It’s so cool. I mean, come on! Is this cool or what?

So now I have this window into college life. It’s amazing. In return, I post dog pics.

I’m posting this for mothers who have been dumped by their teenagers, especially during Uranus transits. You have to keep your cool, that’s all there is to it.

I also want to say how deeply humbled I am. I feel this is an extreme privilege and an extreme act of love from a son to his mother. Seriously, every time I see the kids names, I feel teary. I could never have predicted this in a million years.

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Beyond The Empty Nest – Shock — 66 Comments

  1. My son left immediately after high school. We didn’t have any bad feelings – he was just ready. I didn’t talk to him much. He started coming back into my life around the age of 23. Now he works in my landscaping business and has taken up rock climbing – which is my hobby. So I see him almost everyday and we still get along . I never questioned his decision. He bought a house when he was 21. He is a Very responsible hard working man. You sure never know what your kids will do. I had Pluto square my moon when he left home. Sad mommy.

    • Yeah, it was a horror. 🙁

      But I left home at fifteen myself. He’s got my genes, I did realize. But there were a number of months I thought he might never speak to me again…will no idea why.

      I also missed his graduation. As it turns out, his dad did not mail my invite, lol.

      But it was ghastly, I’ll tell ya. But something I had to go through, obviously.

      • Oh Elsa, i lived this with my yougest son. Got an EMAIL. Going off on my own… yep. No real goodbye. Just gone. Check Ceres in your chart. But like percephone you make a deal. You eventually get them back but not as a boy,,, but a man. It was MOST definitely more than empty nest stuff. Pure karma. Few truly understand the depth or the pain. But ultimately freedom for you both. Karmic freedom.

        • Thanks for the reminder about Ceres, Terri Zee. I have Taurus Sun at 12, Taurus moon at 8 and Ceres right in between them! The Demeter/Persephpne story has felt very real in my life.

            • Oddly enough the big transit to my Ceres in Libra in the 5th during this time was Pluto in 7th sextile Ceres. Ultimately I had to deal with my Cancer stellium and ‘let go’ – truly let go. And like the old saying ‘that which you release if it returns was truly yours’ and my son and I have healed, and oh my the level of mutual respect now. Lots of love but no more mushy crap. He wasn’t going to go through life as my baby boy. Nope, not going to happen. Pluto sextile my Ceres, transforming that nurturer. Now I am more powerful in my own soul, as is he. It was hell getting through it,(the Ceres in me when all the way down) but now I can have gratitude for the lesson.

              • I have to find some time to really look at what has been affecting the Ceres recently. I’ve posted further down about what is going on. I am hoping this situation can resolve before I fall off the perch! I’m glad that your own situation has healed.

  2. I’ve only done this at 30 after a moon pluto transit. I have been a horrible pain in the ass but i was proximate.
    I am a dick, but theres some things i need. I only became an adult with my own point of view so late.. late enough to practically pop out my own.. yeah. Im terrified. I dont know if ill ever come back, cold as a fish, no empathy, avoidant, morally gross.. all fcked up.. need help

  3. Well, Elsa, I raised my only child, a boy on my own without any kind of support whatsoever. I did everything for him, from selling my flat to put him in good education to moving countries, to holidays, love, packed lunches…you name it, I did it. He is the love of my life. At seventeen he went to uni in Canada (he’s a Canadian citizen, I’m not) and I’m lucky if I see him every two or three years. Our relation-ship was too perfect. If he were to become a man, as he has done so well, it was the only option. I guess…

  4. Elsa, I really really so enjoy reading this.
    You are such a sweet mother. Thank you for sharing your life so generously with us.
    This post especially made me smile. ❤️

  5. Timely post. I am in the gym and 3 feet away is my youngest daughter who has not spoken to me in 27 months, Tawny, the high functioning Asperger. You read her chart during our last reading and said she was in a years long rebellious stage. My heart is breaking but reading your story gave me hope. I hope I have just as much as a happy ending as you have but honestly I just want to run over and hug her. 🙁

  6. I’m also going to print this out during the dark days. Thank you so much for sharing. It means so much to me. Much LOVE and may your relationship with your son continue to grow and flourish.

  7. Oh man, I actually did not realize how kids can be self-occupied until I became a parent. I was annoyed by my parents’ calls and insisting on seeing each other when I was younger, so I got this tiny man with Moon in Aquarius, in 11th house, who is, and probably will be, very independent. And he’s just 1 and 1/2 years old! And I’m like “don’t you wanna hang out with your mom”? No, he doesn’t. Mind you, he is very sociable and adores going to the playground to mingle. I have Taurus Moon in 4th, and can’t understand why do we need to leave the house 🙂 There will probably be clashes in the future…

  8. I’ve always had a close relationship with my oldest daughter…friends.
    Until this past few months. After being rebuffed when I extended invitations to have lunch catch up etc. I asked if I’d inadvertently offended her.
    I got a lecture about how she owed me no explanations about her choices. I’m leaving her alone. She’s in her mid forties. Go figure. Working on moving on with a detached yet living attitude.

  9. Yes boys give you men
    Remember you are the bow they are the arrow
    They are not yours
    They pass thru you
    And they leave you feeling like you
    Are the reason stars light the sky
    That’s the beauty in faith

    I have 2 sons, my special valentines
    38 and 36 this February ,they Are
    Redemption for me

  10. I noticed a lot of my daughters guy friends and my sons friends right around ‘senioritis’ would fight/instigate arguments with parents .Esp the spring before they went to college. Its cutting the umbilical cord :).

  11. Thanks so much for sharing your story. xoxo I have an only son, too…and similiar to what you are experiencing, it feels like he is separating at 45. Mid-life transits with Saturn about to go through his 3rd and 4th Houses squaring a stellium in Libra in the 12th and 1st. I think he and we are in for a rough time. He’s no teenager but it’s he we were trying to move closer to when we began planning to move ‘back home.’ Things are definitely changing!! I may be wrong???We’ll see.

  12. I’m so happy he has come back around to you. I have loads of brothers and sons…they are strangers for a while but they usually come back. Thanks for sharing your experience with us.

    • No, I don’t regret moving. We would have come here anyway. But we would have waited until he graduated high school and started college. Instead, we left in a fever, strictly to accommodate his request. It cost us horrifically on all levels. In ways he will probably never understand because I won’t bother him to explain. Sometimes you’ve just got to take a punch; a hard punch, for your kid. In this case, it was not the end of the story, which is why I’m so glad and grateful.

      See, we presented all options to him, including staying where he was and going to college where he was. But we also offered the option of moving and when he took it…well, my husband and I keep our word so we followed through. Believe me, this was a shock.

      I was here, writing it into a real estate contract, we would only buy a house in one county if he could attend senior year in hs in another county (they had a robotics program). Meantime, he’s not coming and also not bothering to mentions this to me. Gah…

      He’s not proud of what he did, but really, I’ve not gone into it with him. I was told very clearly (by the men in my life), if I was unwilling to do this, I stood the risk of losing him permanently. I am still paying, truth be told. There are some losses that stemmed from this that can never be recovered but what am I going to do? I’m just glad there is a way forward. He’s a good kid, going to be a great man, husband and father. In light of that, I really don’t care what has or will happen to me. But I’ll tell you, I had a really bad time with this – awful. I mean, Mother’s Day and no text? There was virtually no contact nearly a year (his choice). Then we started getting it together. He needed to see that I was going to acknowledge him as an adult, which I did and which I do.

      • I’m glad to hear that the relationship seems to be on the upswing now. It’s very interesting to hear the advice that the men in your life gave you on the situation and how it (now) seems to have been very helpful.

        • Lynn, they saw things very differently then I did. I am not sure what I’d have done without the strong and sage advice. I really don’t think I’d have figured this out on my own. Ultimately, this episode has really made me aware how difficult it is for a single mother, especially with a boy.

          I also realize that most all kids with broken families, bust a move for the other parent around 15-16 years old, if they have the chance. The grass looks greener.

          It’s a crazy time for kids. I understand now, your best shot is to give them the strongest foundation you possibly can. My husband contributed greatly on this front. I think my son was about seven years old when he came around. First Saturn square.

          The day they met, my son took his shirt off, stood on the arm of a chair. My husband, then my fiance, came around the corner and my son had his fists up, “I’m going to kick your butt!”

          I was mortified. He was talking to a retired Green Beret, for Godsakes! He was this scrawny kid…but my husband handled that and to my credit, I allowed him to get in there and parent.

          I think this is another mistake single mothers can make. They may become involved with a man, but they maintain control; not allowing the father figure to become involved.

          In whatever case, our son considers us both to be strong (good) parents and he is headed to becoming a parent himself – this is blatantly obvious.

          I couldn’t be more satisfied….and his choice of a girlfriend is also STELLAR. These kids are 18-19 and frankly, I hope they marry and be done. You can see the thrill and happiness emanate from them. Our son have been taught not to pass *the right one* by, which is a mistake my husband and I made.

          We should have married in our teens or shortly after. Would have spared ourselves a lot of pain.

          • Wait, which girl is it?! The first one he really liked, but cooled on him only to come sniffing ’round when he met girl#2?

            Or is he still with girl#2, who was very sweet too?

            Am loving hearing about all of this.

            And Elsa, your humility and ability to forgive floors me. I don’t have children so perhaps I’ll never understand. But your never giving in to anger, or rage, or bitterness or emotional blackmail -you get a Gold Star!

            • It’s the second girl. They are inseparable since day one. They sit across from each other and snap pics. She posts his pic with the word, “Perspective”

              Then he posts her pic with the word, “evitcepsreP”.

              They both look over the moon…it’s sort of seen and understood by everyone. I think she is a super nice girl, clever, like he is. She’s going to be a nurse…interested in being a trauma nurse, specifically.

              She’s a Virgo with a Pisces or Aries Moon. I’m guessing Aries. He’s got Jupiter and Mercury in Aries on the des, opposing his Libra Moon, rising.

              His Taurus and her Virgo and easy match.

              Anyway, they’re having a great time. He’s never been happier in his entire life; not even close. The wear each other’s glasses…his are white and hers are black.

              It reminds me of my husband and I, when we were kids. We had matching flight jackets – we were our own gang.

              I’m telling you, they are happy as two people can be. Girl #1 has congratulated them. I don’t think this is a mistake. 🙂

  13. I’m so glad your relationship is coming out the other side.

    My relationship with my son seems to go back and forth. We went through a period where I was really hopeful the issues were in the past, but he pulled a 180 on me and dragged a 3rd party family member into it (OMG). Glad to hear the good stories!

  14. I’m not sure if this matters but I was the same way at that age. Single child, taurus, pretty much cardinal everything else. My mom is Leo with a lot of Virgo. Pretty much have had a rocky on and off relationship since I was born. I hated her nagging overprotective nurturing, she hated my rebellious defiant autonomy. We have had silent fuming passive aggressive standoffs lasting months without one of us speaking to the other under the same house. Dad would ferry messages.

    Anyways, it gets better. I have been under multiple Uranus transits, I mean real heavy hitters. I moved my parents to Colorado in July. All I want to do is get closer to them now.

    Your son love you, and as much as he fights it now, he will come back in his own time and pour it back x100 onto you.

  15. You have a lot of grace to handle it like you did Elsa. I would have been so shocked I dont think I could have resisted the urge to guilt-trip my son. I’m glad your relationship has improved.

    • I was just going to write the exact same thing, strawb. It is grace. And wisdom. You definitely took the high and hard road, choosing love and understanding over ego and self defense. Had you reacted otherwise, I bet you would have spent much more time suffering and separated.

      I was a rebellious kid, and I shudder now to think of the pain I caused my mother – my parents divorced early. They did NOT react as you did, and their reaction drove me to even more hostile and hurtful behavior. My mother died very young and we never patched up our relationship before she died.

  16. My son went a few states away during final college years as an intern. Decided he hated being away from home (secret yea!). He loves coming over during the week and having standing
    sunday night walking dead dates with his dad and I. Next up..he has a girlfriend and he is looking to get married. Not real happy with his choice but we have to bite our tongue. Praying she doesn’t take him far away from us, or hurt him and break his heart. Ugg..it is very hard and we have 4 children!

  17. I’m so glad for you Elsa that things have sorted out. I have lost count of the amount of parents I know whose kids have walked out of their lives and usually with no real reason to do it. (I wish I could see their charts!) My eldest daughter, who is officially middle-aged now, is currently not speaking to me. There has been no acknowledgement of my birthday or mother’s day or anything else. It’s painful. I don’t deserve it, her sisters don’t understand it. I am just trying to stay quiet and hold her in my heart.

    • A month after my son sent us the Dear Mom and Dad EMAIL, we went to see the film, “Into the Wild” – it starts with a Dear Mom and Dad letter to the protagonist’s parents. We nearly lost it right there… It’s a very hard film to watch. I was just now reading, again, about that film and one of the reviews said…. a story about a boy who had to deal with a void in his heart who needlessly blamed his parents for that void.” So this void, as we all know, can not be filled by anyone. It must be filled with spirit. So these ‘Percephone’ souls are ‘projecting’ and must mature enough to heal. My son has the asteroid Percephone exactly conjunct his Sun. It’s obvious that he and I agreed on some level to do this dance. It’s, in my opinion, a soul thing.
      Gosh, this post has been helpful. Revisiting the pain and taking a look at what I’ve learned. I am grateful.

      • Aah. I don’t think I have ever looked at that asteroid or even Ceres closely in my daughter’s chart. I will do so tonight once I get home. Yes, the
        void that can’t be filled. I am aware that this is the situation but emotionally I forget. Thank you!

  18. I raised my Gemini mostly alone. Everything I did was to better his life. At 16 he became rebellious after being an honor roll student and such a delight.

    We got into an argument over something silly but when I look back I know he started it so he could justify what he was about to do. He was almost 17 when he decided he was going to go live with his dad (who he didn’t know well)

    My soul was shattered. I was able to go to work…but then I just went to bed. I found that if I were asleep I couldn’t feel the pain. And the pain was so great I could hardly breathe.

    There is nothing you can do about it.

    This was one of the most painful times of my life. When I think back I wonder how I didn’t die of a broken heart.

    Of course most times these things turn around. But, you don’t know it at the time and as a mom you’re not sure what you could have done to cause such a thing.

    This son is the father of Scorpio moon. On the day that she was born she left her mothers body, was handed to my son, and he turned, and handed her to me. Both he and his wife planned this. It was a gift you see. You will be the first to hold this child. I nearly fell to my knees and 9 years later have a very special relationship with her. We are bonded as tightly as two people can be.

    I just had a Birthday late October. I took off for Florida. My dog died unexpectedly and I was so low. I just decided I needed to go to walk near the water.

    I told the family to just let me be….let me mourn it. It was such a great loss. This is the text that I got from my son on my birthday.
    **************************************

    (word for word)
    I hope you had a wonderful birthday on the beach, you deserve it after all the times you have been shit on in your life. I wish I could take all your pain away and put it on myself. You deserve something better than the bullshit you were dealt, I love you.
    I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain, I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end, but I’ll always seen YOU again. (that is a James Taylor song he changed the words to a bit – I used to rock him to sleep to James Taylor)

    I was floored. Floored because I know now that he knows. He knows what I have walked through, he knows how much I love him and … he loves me too.

    Once I asked him why it happened. Why did he go. He said…I had to make some sort of move mom…I had to do something. I knew if I didn’t I would never grow up. You did everything for me….I did nothing for myself. He said….I never would have become a man. See, they know…even when they don’t understand why they are doing something off the wall like that…deep down they actually know what they are doing.

    Over the last 8 months he and I have become very close again. I don’t get into his business. He is busy raising a family and working hard. But, it never fails. If a little time goes by I get a voice mail, an email, a text or a call to let me know that he is right here….not far away. And, we are still as connected as a mom and a son…

    I am a boy mom. I love/ed it. Being their mother is the grandest thing I can think of. Nothing is more important to me. But, with boys…it can get tricky. You just have to hang on because they hear us…they love us…and If they go off for awhile…they will be back. A better version of their self… a man.

    • Soup – what a beautiful story of love you have shared, thank you so much. This brought tears to my eyes and hope to my heart. Thank you!! <3

    • This is the story of Ceres/Persephone – when Persephone was taken, Ceres (Demeter in Greek) was in such grief she created death to all crops and the fields were barren until her daughter returned. Such a classic and very real story. I too went to bed with the pain, and I can honestly say when my son went away it nearly killed me. But…… we are together again with a deeper respect and both complete, separate, souls. This is deeper than enmeshment – this is a karmic history that needed to heal. Blessing Soup

  19. Very happy for you Elsa. It’s good to know that this very painful episode has evolved into something positive, you did a great job (and your husband is a great guy).
    Great news!

  20. My son is 22, born with Uranus exactly conjunct his Ascendant and Pluto conjunct his MC.

    I moved him when he finished 6th grade to another state. He became very angry and depressed. I enrolled him in 5 different schools for 7th grade. He was an advanced student and I ended up paying 10 grand for 8th grade tuition at a private school. We lived in a nice neighborhood that had a great high school so in 9th grade I told him he would have to go there. It turned out for the best. The home we lived in was too expensive for my budget and I wanted to sell to get out from under it. He insisted we stay so he could graduate from the local high school. In 12th grade, I received a foreclosure warning and I claimed bankruptcy to keep us there. He graduated and got a full scholarship to college. I sold the house and moved into a rental.

    A couple years later my credit was recovered enough to find an affordable home. My son moved overseas and I was a grateful empty nester. It was so nice to finally for the first time in my life just take care of me. I went thru everything I own with a fine tooth combed and just downsized it all. I have tiny closets and very limited space. Now I know where everything is and it still looks spacious.

    My son returns to the states in January. He has an apartment but I have to help him get a drivers license, car and insurance. He will be job hunting so I have no idea what his budget will be. Ever since he was in college, visits with him consist of me driving almost 5 hours to get there and then taking him out shopping. Once he gets what he wants from me, I drop him at a buddies house and he says good riddance. Last time he filled my car up with all his stuff to store in my too small house. He demanded that I carefully make sure it is climate controlled and was very condescending.

    He has only visited me here at my home once, he brought his girlfriend along. We went to grocery shopping and he asked me to pay for a fancy bottle of wine with their pizza they made. I stayed out of their way while they ate by candlelight, and I slept on the couch while they slept in my bed.

    • I normally would not comment on people sharing their stories. Especially when it’s very obvious that the person is looking to vent their frustrations and seems to be in pain. But for some reason I feel compelled, so please hear me out.

      You are under no obligation to be treated like a doormat by your son. My only insight this is what you wrote, so I obviously don’t know everything, but it seems to me that you have some resentment towards him for the sacrifices you made. Is it possible that he senses your resentment and as a result is disrespectful towards you? Maybe you indulged him too much and he took it for granted.

      Have you considered that he treats you this way because you let him? I say this because you state that you have to help him get a drivers license, a car and insurance. Why? He’s an adult, so why do you have to help him. Is he demanding that you help him? He’s not a child, so there is no reason as to why he can’t do this for himself.

      You are under no obligation to do him this favor if you get nothing but disrespect in return. We obviously make sacrifices for our children and we help the people we love, but once your child is grown there needs to be mutual respect.

      I think it would be more helpful to your son to let him do this on his own. Maybe when he sees that you will not be at his beck and call to do these things, he might come to appreciate you more. Mutual love and respect(both of you) should be the goal.

      I say this as one fellow human being to another. Much love and respect to you and your son. Good luck.

  21. I always take any sign of my my sons distance as a sign that he’s secure with our relationship and himself. I feel like I’m doing a good job when he wants to be away from me. Lol! Maybe it’s just my coping mechanism. And of course he’s only 11 and a self proclaimed “mamas boy”. If anything
    I’m struggling to get him off the teat:)
    At any rate,I think it’s healthy for a boy to step away from his mother at that age and discover who he is without moms nurturing. Nine times out of ten they seem to realize that life is better with it, but the process has to happen for mental health and maturity. It’s natural. Of course I say this from a perspective of a mother who’s son still wants to sleep in her bed, so. I’m sure my time will come.

  22. My son moved home after graduation after being on his own
    Cancer moon. He loves his mom but I worty Im a burden. At 54 going through all the stages…meno and midlife which literally wrecked my life.
    Im the opposite. I hope he leaves so he can enjoy his independence again. I know he will keep in touch.

  23. Thank you so much for sharing this!! I have been going through a similar “dumping” since last July with my 18 year old now college freshman son. Oh how my heart aches!! I cried right when I woke up in the morning for 3 weeks after dropping him off at college, the first visit was a disaster – felt like I was an alien in his world – and conversations have been so tense. Then out of the blue a few weeks ago he comes home for a planned visit a few nights early to spend more time with us… whaaaa? Of course I loved it and took every minute he gave, but man this has been the hardest to learn how to deal with – so confusing. So, thank you again for sharing your story, I don’t feel so alone or crazy. 🙂

  24. A heart warming story, and comments. As a father of two boys, I learned from my own not so great experiences, and have never questioned their choices in life. We talk about everything else, science, hobbies, vacations, girls….and are quite close…

  25. Btw, I think I understand how it must have felt. Teenage boys boggle the mind. Mine is hot one minute and cold the next. I really miss the little boy he once was. We were so close. That sense of loss you can feel when your kid transitions into adolescence and adulthood is very real. It gets pretty intense for me sometimes, but i try to remind myself to chill out… that he’s always going to be my son. This is a good reminder of that.

  26. ……and I am not a Mom…..but thanks to everyone for sharing their stories…..painful and happy ones.
    Oh….and soup, that was a little gem you wrote too!

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