Becoming Empowered, Calm And Free By Giving, Not Withholding & Loving Rather Than Not

highway horizonI think with a packed 8th house I am always aware of death and my philosophy, “don’t drive by without stopping” extends even further. Inspired by Zucherro’s song, “No Regrets” about a dozen years ago, I decided I would try very hard to never do (or not do) something that would cause me to have regret and I’ve been fairly successful.

I have mentioned I few times I drive a long way to see the soldier. I routinely drive 5-600 miles just to spend the day with him before I turn around and drive back and maybe now you know why. To not drive to see him would be unthinkable.

How would I like to have him dead next week but I was too busy or lazy to go spend time with him when I had the opportunity? No thanks. Instead I see him every chance I get and give him the best love I have at all times. And I am pretty sure as long as I meet this standard I will be able to cope with loss of whatever kind when it comes.

I learned some of this from HQ who told me some years ago he thought he was a pretty good friend. He said he tried to be the best friend he could be, and if someone decided they did not want him for a friend, he could accept this because he’d know that he tried his best and given his all.

I adopted his philosophy because I realized that it makes no difference what the other person does. If you love them well and they love you lousy, so what? It has no result.

And it turns out people who love well are always in demand and people who withhold and meter out their love… well it catches up with them eventually. You get to be a miserly old bastard I guess.

I do the same thing on this blog. I am never here with half a heart. I give everything I have every single day and consequently everything else is irrelevant.




Becoming Empowered, Calm And Free By Giving, Not Withholding & Loving Rather Than Not — 14 Comments

  1. The trick is to do it without expectations. If I love my friend 100% and she doesn’t love me back, it is hard to simply shrug your shoulders. But that, to me, is growing up. Means that whatever love I give is my business, whatever love you give is your business. And it’s the universe’s business to let it flower.

  2. Hi Elsa,

    That’s truly inspiring……your love! But – don’t you think you have to be ‘careful’ of being that all-engrossed with someone?

    I’ve read your stories and it does seem like there’s a very profound connection between you and the soldier. So maybe you can just give and give unconditionally. And maybe he gives that way to you too. (I’m hoping!!) I haven’t met my ‘true love’ yet and my experience of giving so much has been painful. I guess I’ve put my love in the wrong people/places. Not completely wrong people, just people who haven’t matched my devotion………

    Still hoping,

  3. Amber & Elsa, you are spot on as far as I’m concerned.

    If you give love with expectations, then you haven’t given it at all – you’ve credited someone’s account and are expecting a reciprocating debit. And, that would all be about checking your balance all the time…who owes whom what?!?! UGGGGGGGGG!!!

    Yes, there is give and take in most relationships, but who wants to spend ALL their time reconciling your love bank statements. I kissed him yesterday, so today it’s his turn? Yuck – sounds like junior high.

    Be responsible for your own loving actions, as Amber so eloquently put it, and let others be responsible for theirs!

  4. forgot to say –

    I have already left written instructions to write on my gravestone – “No Regrets!”

    I can’t say I always get that done YET, but it’s a mission statement I strive for.

  5. Hi Everyone,

    I agree that when you love you need to do so unconditionally but in a relationship between two adults i.e a romantic relationship, there are certain expectations and needs which need to be met. If these aren’t being met by your partner-in-love then no matter how much love you give, you aren’t going to come out of it feeling great.

    I love the way I love and I do tend to do it completely. The best kind of love though is when it’s 100% reciprocated in the same way.

    I’ve seen too many of my friend’s think that if they just love someone more that he’ll change or be more loving. If someone isn’t as ‘in love’ as you are – it’s not going to happen.

    So I guess the point I’m trying to make is that you need to be really selective in where you put your ‘romantic’ love.


  6. I guess it’s how you define love isn’t it?

    Do you LOVE and care about them or is it about how you feel?

    I’m going thru some of this now with a little girl who claims to love one of my sons, although it’s way too often about her disrepecting some of his boundaries. So, does she love HIM or does she love herself more? She wants her needs met irregardless of what it does to him. So to my sight, she is being a bit selfish and more in love with herself than she is with him because it would cost her very little to respect his boundaries and there is much to gain by doing so. Yes, I’m slightly prejudiced.

    To me UNCONDITIONAL is more about what love SHOULD be about, not that I always am the mature soul I ought to be either, but it appears an admirable way to love, IMHO.

  7. I do give a lot. I go 110% into everything I do – it’s my way. I get taken advantage of sometimes, but I believe everything works together for good. I don’t regret anything because I don’t believe in mistakes, only “learning experiences”. Like you, Elsa – how would I feel if I held back and something bad happened? Don’t wait – life is short.

  8. i try to always give my best. in some cases, that means i may distance myself from some people (for example, an adult child with addiction issues)…because it’s like throwing energy into a black hole. and the first few times you come up against this, you may wonder if your energy was wasted or feel foolish for giving it, but i don’t anymore. i act in a way i feel good about, and if others use my energy or not, it is their choice and it doesn’t refelct on me either way. so long as i feel good about how i’ve managed my connections, i can be happy.

  9. I understand what you mean goddess….I have in the past given way too much of myself in situations that were detrimental to me emotionally and spiritually (giving to sisters that did not appreciate or care and continued to hurt me despite my giving). In a consult with Elsa once, she gave me some very wise advice…she said to try to focus my giving nature on situations that were deserving of it and needing of it instead of situations where I was sacrificing myself to the other who was not deserving of it. Helped put it into perspective for me.

  10. I received a box in the mail this morning. Twelve years of writing/blogging because it’s what I love to do, and can do, this was the first ‘grateful anonymous reader’ gift. The reader cruises ElsaElsa, as I have … for years. The empowering and giving is THE thing. I’m awed and amazed; grateful to be old and still open to learn anew. Thank you!

  11. thats a wonderful philosophy. to give your love all you have even if they dont give u back the same. its okay, the love will still flow ^^

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