When under stress, it’s common to choose a shadow person to blame. I do it. I bet you do it too. You’re all keyed up so you start thinking about this person you don’t like. It distracts you.
This is an 8th house thing by the way. Pluto. Scorpio. You’re using this person. They don’t even have to be anywhere near you. You don’t even have to know them to use them.
I was doing this yesterday and I got wondering if I could get along with this person I was secretly dumping on, if I tried. Next thing I knew, “Jaded Lover” was playing in my head. Jerry Jeff Walker. What a great song.
“…Still, we’d never agree if we talked all night
Things are getting kind of heavy and I’m travelling light
Goodbye you jaded lover
You undercover queen for a day…”
He’s talking about someone he is never, ever going to be able to resolve anything with. It’s a sick situation to be in, never mind to stay in. I considered the person I was thinking about. I believe we’re truly incompatible as well.
This is different than choosing to not get along with someone when you certainly could get along if you tried.
What do you think of this? Are you on the outs with someone you could easily get along with, but you prefer to use them for you hate or other negative emotions?
Also, do you think there are people who really can’t get along with others? If so, what stops them? What’s the astrology?
I’m the person that is someone else’s shadow person. They were bullying me for a while because they’re unhappy at work. It sucked. They have been forced to back down so things are better there, but I still literally don’t speak to them unless I have to because anything I do can and will set them off.
I’m not happy they chose to make that choice, but they did and I have to live with it. It’s not up to me to make amends when they made it clear that my presence and voice and existence is offensive. You don’t come back from that.
I think a lot about this. Synastry is synastry, for better or worse. I am being right now with two people who are very different from me. The worst thing is that they don’t understand why certain things bother me or are dealbreakers and think I should just get over it. For instance, that I am not “open” enough and need to keep the door of my room ajar to be more “open” to others. (I am living in a shared cottage with two guys.) By the same token, one wouldn’t let me hold his phone cause it’s private. Yeah well my room is private. I think there’s always a frisson of fun competition when there are a lot of squares in synastry, but not being understood or being treated like your innermost needs are weird and crazy is alienating and makes you feel unreasonable. “Though my problems are meaningless, that don’t make them go away.” I thought about why I am uncomfortable with the meals we all have together and keeping my door ajar. The fact is everyone has boundaries. I’m not “closed” because my room is somewhere I get to be comfortable and gross in a way I don’t want guys seeing. Sharing a bathroom with them is no picnic either.
Kiri, 3 years on and male roommates want you to leave your door open? That’s off,
hope you left……fast.
Those people don’t respect your boundaries. You were not in the wrong and if you’re still in that situation you could reinforce your boundaries repeatedly. I see another thing and it might not be really ideal to point it out but maybe you can think about this more -You could be/have been in a potentially unsafe situation yet you are more concerned by their opinion of you that you’re closed off. What they think isn’t That important. Hope all is good!
Interesting point. Jennifer, you are brave and courageous to acknowledge the hurt you feel from being someone else’s shadow person. Sometimes I think I am someone’s as well, especially when I worked. It is so nice to be out of the office politics. I Think a lot of that goes on and glad you nailed it Elsa.
I guess what I’m saying is, I’m rarely people’s shadow person. People usually see me correctly. I often am the one that doesn’t read cues right or misunderstands the situation. I think I’m flying under the wire but everyone sees that I’m acting in a socially inappropriate way where I register that they don’t like/don’t want to have sex with me.
Usually I am the bad guy or at the very least am not the savvy one.
And people who I have issues with, we continue having a version of these issues and there’s no bending we can do to suddenly be perfect friends. For instance, my friend’s Saturn squares my Mars. Sometimes I know he is off base and sees what I’m striving for as unreasonable. Sometimes he’s going to push me to a greater goal
Yes, there are people a person is truly incompatible with. It doesn’t mean the other person is bad, or evil. It just means you two are from different planets. It may work, but will take a lot of time. And sometimes, not even work and time will bring them both together.
I have instant dislikes for a few people and I avoid them. Voices, faces or the way they talk to others Lack of hygiene or listening skills too. It’s like I see things others don’t pick up on and am usually proven right in the end. It’s hard to connect too when the other is experiencing mental illness in any form.
Great question, which leads to the next one – incompatible for what? And then – where am I with my shadow, do I acknowledge it in myself or do I need to project it onto others to see it? I’ve got Sun-Pluto in the 7th house, so I guess it will keep haunting me until I realize it’s my Pluto, not just somebody else’s power play, because that would be too easy (to avoid).
Thank you Elsa, I’ll keep digging. 🙂
Yes. Demands being the reason. I think you wrote it once something like ‘you will do my will.’
Is this what a frenemy is? I have one. I know she does this stuff to me but I also do it to her. I’m just staying away now because it hurts too much.
I stopped contact with someone I have conflicting feelings for. He irritates the hell out of me but at other times I admire and envy him too. I am projecting like hell onto him and concluded a while ago that he’s a shadow person for me. Never plan to see him again but can’t resist checking his social media updates…The synastry is loads of squares, some conjunctions and an opposition. I am actively working with this; deliberately using him, or rather my projection onto him, to show me more about myself. The poor guy doesn’t know about any of this and it is better that way too since it’s got nothing to do with him. He’s just the perfect hook for my crap.
Welcome, Shimmering Light. Smart!
I’m a Libra. If we don’t get along it’s because the other person doesn’t want to.
Or maybe because the other person smells a trap…sorry – I’m shadow dumping on you! It’s cause I have a Libra enemy who would say just what you said….in reality she’d lure me in with pleasantries until no one was watching then deliver a passive aggressive sentence to knock me for six. We don’t get on because the conversation can never be open since she is so busy trying to maintain the impression she’s sweet and kind in all circumstances, so heavy things can not be discussed sensibly. If one person is always so sure they’re blameless how far can it get?
Pluto opposite Sun or square sun/moon transit – I have been the shadow person for those people. It’s not that we don’t get along, but they can’t “see” me as I really am, because I am being projected upon.
The other aspect is when you are truly incompatible. I don’t think I have met a lot of them. But sometimes you just meet someone. And no matter what you do or say, how much you analyze and is aware of yourself and (subconscious) patterns/projections in your interactions, it’s just too much work to have a relationship with these people. Because you’re in their blind angle. And they will never see you like you are.
I used to think it was a Neptune issue, but the more I learn, the more I think it’s a combination of several factors/life phases and yes – Pluto.
You can acknowledge you’re projecting your own stuff onto a not-bad person and still prefer not to be around that person if you can help it, even if you can see their good points and admire some things about them. Not feeling comfortable around someone can also be your intuition warning you to stay away for other reasons.
I think it’s a balance problem. A person is riding high and feeling all ego great and that changes. Can become irritable and instead of taking personal responsibility for it or accepting it and letting it pass, someone must be blamed. It’s kinduv a defense method against not being perfect one’s self. But why feel guilty about that.
Not dealing can cause hardship for large groups of people sometime and while the people who ignored the declining building conditions at resulting in the Surfside collapse need to be held accountable, instead of focusing on the blame, what can be done to prevent this in the future? Same with the pandemic. Instead of blaming China and killing Asians let’s look at the failure in communication from Chinese scientists to the best and brightest in that arena to be notified so they could hit ground zero and alleviate the spread. The Michigan lead water situation with fudged documents saying the water was safe. Jan 6th. There will always be destructive yahoo’s. Get off the blame game and denial and onto how to prevent future attempted murder there. The list goes on and on. Rather than address the issue(s) and admit imperfection to maintain the I am so great celebrity persona it is easier to blame.
And on the personal level, (easy for me to say not being in the workplace now). if you don’t gel with someone don’t hang with them. But maybe it’s handy to hang onto the scapegoat whipping boy? It’s just plain laziness? It’s too much to deal with?
To me, there is no question that there are people you will never get along with and that is just natural. Maybe some will bend over backwards to try to please those types but it won’t happen. In my opinion, some folks get off on antagonizing others.
Guilty as charged about laying blame on those that make me angry. I dreamed about you this morning, Elsa. It was you talking about something and when I woke up, I thought of your words about Pluto going thru the 12th house making one repulsive. This topic can twist right into that. I am coming to terms that I am repulsive. That I must own *every* part of my shadow.
Side note: The author of the Shadow said he and others actually saw his character, The Shadow at the place where he wrote most of his stories. He created a Tulpa. A made up creation that can manifest itself in reality. (More 8th house stuff.)
Manifestation. Cool equation to the 8th. Inner self generating outer fantasy or reality. Just this weekend plant shopping she was gonna buy more columbines. I suggested putting the seeds from existing ones into the soil. That afternoon while clearing weeds from her tree line I found a massive amount of columbines there under the weeds. Manifestation or weird coincidence. That stuff happens a lot. Fun stuff!
Maybe instead of lashing out in blame one should ask what am I being shone? Even if it might just be stay the hell away from the person. I swear sometimes someone’s crazy energy gets stuck on me and even after they are gone it attracts more of same. Shake it off I guess. Power of attraction and all that. I do not know why I attract stuff like that sometimes so I just take it as a warning that something is off kilter and to walk carefully. Thanks for thought food on this hot listless afternoon.
You’re welcome. That is fascinating about the columbines.
I have never believed in coincidence and it sounds about right that negativity can linger on a person. I take showers and tell myself that I am washing away bad energy. Same with breathing in good and out with bad. (Along prayers.)
Haha. Found myself out of sorts last nite. I did not blame a person. Oh no, it was the world. I found myself thinking damn COVID. Enough is enough. I did not slide into blaming the unvaccinated or China or government officials. Just damn COVID. Then I started blaming the heat and the mosquitos. I was on a roll. So I threw a sheet over my head and went to sleep. All’s well when I awoke this morning. Jeez, like an ornery child I just needed nap time.
This is really about limitations again. Dealing with limitations takes strength and energy. Tolerance. And reminded me once again about what you wrote about Saturn Uranus and people not wanting to listen to authority, ie not liking rules which can be limitations even if they are good for us in the long run. So if I have a limitation or the other has a limitation, it may be too much to contend with ie more energy than it’s worth. If I have to interact with that person it would be relationship lite. Not sure about the astrology. I am sending solar expression. Like if I have to ride on the back of a motorcycle or golf or sit in spectator stands to have a relationship with a person we are incompatible because those things while part of their self expression would bore me to death. I am limited in that way.
Some people are only as agreeable as their delusions of dominance over others remain undisturbed. When a controlling person tries to force their agenda, those who distance themselves for self-preservation aren’t the ones with the social problem.
I would also say an inflated sense of entitlement plus limited empathy would make someone truly incompatible with most of the population.