Are You Powerless To Change Your Deeply Rooted Behaviors?

A gal I know discovered the deep root of her pathology, today. As an aside she also uncovered the origin of the behavior of some of the other people in her life.

For example she could look back at her first marriage and see that she was doing one thing for one reason and her husband was doing another thing for another reason.

The stuff she caught onto was very deep. It was at a level that would change her paradigm forever. This quickly shook something loose in me.

“There is no sense telling someone something like that,” I said, without a split second of thought.

She asked what I meant.

“They’ll never be able to change it,” I said. “It’s too deep. It would be like getting the Italian out of me. I don’t think it’s possible. There are patterns of behavior that are just too ingrained. For example I am always going to sit around a table, talk and eat. You can tell me it’s not right or polite. I might even agree with you but I’d still do it. The behaviors and thought patterns, the rules of my culture are just too deeply embedded.”

I mention this because people so frequently try to fix people or change them. We all know this is impossible. I’m suggesting is there are some things a person is powerless to change. I would look to the Moon in the natal chart.

Can you name something about you that is absolutely HARD WIRED? Where is your Moon?

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Are You Powerless To Change Your Deeply Rooted Behaviors? — 51 Comments

  1. My Moon is in Aquarius, and despite living a very vanilla life — everything I do must be *my* choice, I must have the freedom to make my own choices, or…well, I don’t know what the ‘or’ is because I’ve always lived this way. I am a Libra, though, so I’m diplomatic. I can smile on the surface and not say anything about how very much I disagree with what someone is saying, but inside I know that I’m hard-wired to do it my way. Though I am open to changing my opinion, though that change will only come about through my own choice to change it, and not through any kind of force from another person or a religion. Meaning, the more forcefully it is presented, the less likely I am to consider the point of view. I am no hammer’s nail. Never, ever, ever a hammer’s nail.

    So, while I live in a very vanilla and even common way, I am a rebel in my heart, and my choice to live a vanilla life is my very own, and not something forced on me by others.

    I hope that makes some kind of sense. I’m feeling like I’m really not eloquent today.

    • ^^^^ Yes. Cap moon in 2nd. Mine might be more of guarding my home/possessions which I guess is security, too. I don’t have any family living with me except my cats, inside and outside. I don’t think anyone will take care of them like I do. I worry when I go out of town, that they won’t get fed enough, fresh water, or that my plants will die because someone is too lazy to water them properly. I take care of my shit. I paid for it, so why would I treat it poorly? There’s way too much of a throw-away culture. I use what I have, I recycle stuff others get rid of if possible….yea.

  2. This is a really deep observation. The first thought that popped into my mind though was “what do you mean by ‘no sense’?” It may very well be something that the person could never change. But if it’s a pattern that is giving a person pain or grief, wouldn’t it be valuable just to KNOW? I have a xx Moon therefore I will always xx? Just to help them accept their whole being? Definitely makes no sense for your client to tell the other person as a means of changing them, totally agree there. Just wanna make sure I understand.

  3. You know me, thus you know I believe we can change/transform our behavior.

    Our behavior is only the/our reaction to some profound root in each of us.

    We can choose to respond rather than react once we understand the root. It can take years to put a halt to the reaction, as I have done it, but it is challenging and most worthwhile.

    As for others, no one can change anyone, so getting into “bullshit’ like this is a waste of our own power and energy. The only way I have seen change in the other party is 1) they wanted to change 2) total acceptance as they are. Only then can someone even look at themself.

    Let me put it this way Elsa, you could opt to change your Italian dinner habits (LOL) but you enjoy it…so why do it? I like my French meal habits of wine at a meal, even if someone in this society judge I have a drinking problem because I cannot imagine having a wonderful meal without a glass of wine! But that is choice. I do

  4. “But if it’s a pattern that is giving a person pain or grief, wouldn’t it be valuable just to KNOW?”

    Maybe but they’re not asking.

    “Hey dude, this is your ex-wife. I thought you might like to know what your problem is…”

  5. Keeping myself intact when people try to smother me. I have to. I have an Aries moon, but I’ve been accused of being flaky or heartless. Truth is, I have to do stuff on my own so I won’t disappear.

  6. Yeah, okay, I get it. It has to be the person WANTING to change who asks. Makes sense.

    And on that note, I will say that what is hard-wired in me is to always ask WHY? It doesn’t matter what the tenor of the situation is, hard or soft or happy or sorrowful, I will ask “why?” because I am looking for information.

    12th house Gemini Moon.

    (Two other small Moon things I will probably never be able to change: twirling my hair in times of heavy thinking or emotional stress, and patting someone on the back when I hug them. Both things have annoyed people I know, but they are so 12th house Gemini moon and so unconscious that I doubt I’ll ever remember not to do it in order to please the person who doesn’t like it (as my Libra would wish.))

  7. I must add, I do try to be polite (Libra). Sometimes I may just think “why?” instead of saying it. But if there is a quizzical look on my face, there’s a reason. 🙂

  8. Hell yes– emotional intensity: that moon pluto in the first in virgo. I can work on being less self-critical or work on being less obsessive (maybe) but oh man….people often just don’t get me and I don’t get their detatchment.

  9. Bella–I have moon in Cappy in 2nd too, but I also have Neptune there, so I end up feeling undeserving when I have elegant things around me, lol.

    Hardwired for me is sensitivity, or emotional intensity, as moonpluto said.

  10. This is too freaky….just 10 minutes ago I was on the phone with my husband and we were arguing about my visit with my sister which did not go well, as it rarely does, and this was my very point, that I will never change her (she can very mean and hurtful) and unless I do something different, the dynamics will always be the same.
    So, basically we were arguing because I wanted him to tell me that it was okay to tell her off, because my nice Libra moon won’t allow my strong Cap Sun to tell her off, but it didn’t work because he is a Gem moon and he was trying to reason with me and analyze the situation….and I could see his point of view…(there goes Libra again), and so I end up so frustrated, but I want to do the right thing.
    This is all so fresh, so I don’t know if this makes sense at all….

  11. Moon in Scorpio, 1st house – I don’t know. Being overly suspicious of other’s motivations, I suppose. Needing to protect myself – also not being able to hide my emotions (if I think you are an ass, you know it). Going to think about this some more.

  12. Another Moon in Scorpio, also 1st house. Hard-wired to feel everything and I mean everything. Whether I want to or not, it’s going to be intense too so when that happens I head home to my batcave and feel things in private.

  13. This is such an interesting and well-timed post. A friend I know is having similar distress today. He is a Taurus with a Pisces Moon, Leo rising. He is repeating a pattern in his life with regard to love relationships and unhealthy, destructive behaviors, where he violently destroys, insults, feels guilty and wretched, seeks forgiveness. He wants to run away to India because he has embarrassed himself with people at work, and a woman whom he loves/is infatuated with (also at work), and her boyfriend, whom he considers scum and told him so, with racial overtones for garnish.

    After talking, he realized he has put himself in the exact same situations all his life. And he has always done the same thing: run away to another land, only to land in the same spot some years later. He even has a favorite book, high brow fiction, that spells it out play by play.

    Today was seriously a day of pattern revelation and recognition, for better or worse, with respect to the way we act/behave (Aries) and relate to others (full moon in Libra). It is interesting to hear that your friend was going through a similar shift and realization today, and that you were, too.

    Came to this blog bc I began to wonder if certain signs need comforting in different ways, if the revelation of the truth takes different forms for different signs, if they need to absorb the truth in different ways. I’m full of libra, so perhaps spend too much thought on what should just be blurted out. But in the case of my Taurus friend, I wonder if there is a way to help him see this truth more clearly and its implications (ie, if he runs away now he’ll just be back in the same spot, or worse, a few months/years later), or if, as your blog says, there is just no telling him this if he isn’t ready to hear and see. I think this is ultimately true, but I’m also wondering about how best to ease the suffering of particular signs. Its hard to watch friends in pain, but (sigh) necessary if these old roots are to be pulled up.

  14. Aquarius moon in the sixth house. I want to work on it, privately, and independently. What’s it? All of it. There’s no telling me what to do either.

  15. Moon in Cancer located in the 8th house trining Pluto! Hmmm…Obsessive?Observer?Secretive? HAHA reminds me of a story…
    So I’m at this Astrology Lecture/class for Astrologers and we all introduce ourselves with a little about our chart. Astrologer’s stand up and everyone Ooo’s and ahhh’s over each others chart,people with Capricorn Suns with Moon in Pisces blah blah blah…I stand up and tell them my Scorpio Sun,Scorpio Rising,Moon in Cancer in 8th house trining Pluto in scorpio in 12th house. I got the dirtiest looks ever, that classroom was so quiet I could hear peoples thoughts! My friend who is an intuitive astrologer tries not to laugh and i just sit my ass down. Then the Ooo’s and Ahhh’s continue for everyone else. LOL

    • . They were all scared to death of you. They thought you could read their minds, know who they’re cheating with, or maybe on (like tax returns) or where their bodies are buried. Scaredy cats!!!! (so says the Pluto/Mercury conjunction, Moon in Scorp. woman)

  16. I am generous but will take sh*t from on one = deeply rooted. The cultures I’ve grown up in have taught me this and, yes, it is all for the best.

    Moon’s in Leo.

  17. Great thread- I’m a newb and trying valiantly to figure out my damn moon. 12H cap, in cj with mars, apexing 3 tsq. (inc squaring Pisc sun)

    When I’m mad, I will cry. If you make me cry, I will get frustrated. Also, hubby knows that if we are having a “discussion” about something and I jump up and start tidying/organizing, it means that my sense of security is feeling threated. (If I could just go back and tell our newlywed selves this little tidbit, oh the confusion it would have saved!)

    ~Julie

  18. This reminds me of the “do you tell your friend they’re walking off a cliff?” post. (My paraphrasing.)

    Geeeez… this also hits a wound I didn’t even know I had, man. I’m going to have to go diving for this one. Just thinking about it superficially was painful.

  19. But what if it’s molesting children or subtle sexual innuendo that has covert sexual implication on children. Too deep to change in a partner?

  20. I think I will always find loud, pushy people intolerable to be around. I might respect their accomplishments but wouldn’t choose them as lunch companions. Fix your own life before you tell me how to live mine. I could dissect your issues down to the bone if I felt like it. But I don’t care enough. Moon in Scorpio

    Can’t speak for others, but in my experience telling someone there’s a problem with how they’re behaving towards me has resulted in gems like “I’m sorry you feel that way” which we all know is code for “Fuck you.”

  21. My moon is Gemini 12th….I am a complete and utter information junkie. Not so much that person who memorizes facts but someone who looks for the why of everything. When presented with problems I’m immediately looking for solutions in my head even when I know the other person is just venting and not really looking for solutions. It’s brain candy for me to learn both sides of every situation…every dark has a light and every light also has a dark side. This is deeply ingrained in me.

  22. I know someone with their moon in Taurus 6th house but it is also in their south node. Isn’t the south node where change is needed? Or where there is an imbalance that needs to be corrected? Regardless of depth?

  23. For me it’s moving, I’ve lived in so many places it’s not funny, just recently moved south, looking to relocate again the beginning of the year. I move around a lot at home, always on the move. My moon is in Sag!

  24. Moon in Leo, 8th house intercepted. Part of T square w. Nep in Scorp 11th, Venus/Sat in Aqu 2nd. Capable of feeling things deeply but will repress them first. And never be clear about where the feelings are coming from, and have to constantly travel an internal maze to get anything like clarity.

  25. Magic timing. Synchronicity. Just had a conversation with my boyfriend over this sort of thing. We’ve only been together two months and I keep trying to end things. I explained to him that I’m high maintenance. He refuses to let me go. First house Virgo moon trines Mars and squares Neptune tight. I’m a love addict. I put men on pedestals then knock them off.

  26. My daughter has her Psy.D. in psychology and we’ve had this discussion. There are just some things that are too ingrained; the psyche just can’t handle *knowing*, much less contemplating that a change has to be made. There is a defense system around the behavior that is designed to protect the psyche from uncovering the knowledge that the behavior even *exists*. I think this is only detrimental when the behavior is causing incredible harm to others, or self-harm. Self-harm is hard to watch for others, thus their desire to “out” the problem, but usually the defenses (I think this is a Saturn issue) won’t let the truth get very far. For instance, I have a boss who says he “can’t help it” that he SCREAMS at you if you “argue” with him. An “argument” is ANY differing opinion– no matter how you try to soft-shoe it. I could TRY to tell him that there is obviously a very threatened little boy in there who is terrified that his reality may be different than his very-well-constructed scheme, but WHY would I take this on? There was a time, when I was younger, that I’d belly up to that particular bar, in the hopes of “enlightening” someone but as I’ve gotten older, I see that the desire to “enlighten” can be heavily tinged with the desire to be “right”. But that in itself can trigger a defense reaction— if you point out to someone who wants to “tell the truth” to someone else— that they need to look at their own MOTIVES for delivering info. Plus, I’m getting too old to give a rat’s ass. You want to be an asshole, go ahead. Have a happy life.
    I feel for my daughter who has taken this on for a living. She hits the wall, day after day after day, when parents bring their child who has behavioral issues to her clinic and after testing and assessment, she has the thankless job of pointing out the parents’ own behaviors which may be contributing to the problem. The level of denial and anger towards her is astounding and believe me, she is NOTHING like me when it comes to delivering information- I’m a “hit you between the eyes” kind of girl, she’s working on how not to upspeak every sentence for fear of insulting someone.

  27. 1st House Pisces Moon – I feel everyone’s pain then want to “fix” them. Libra Sun; Virgo Ceres sextile Cancer Vesta. Then I’m left feeling used because my unsolicited “help” wasn’t appreciated. Duh, Jayne! lol

  28. If it is an ingrained part of the fabric of whom you both are and it is incompatible then sounds to me like what needed to change was your partners. Since the person mentioned was a ex-spouse sounds like you made the right decision. I am not implying of course that there aren’t incompatibilities in ever partnership but the ones that are insufferable are the ones that give you the clue that this person is not your best mate. Most of the things about my husband that make his family crazy are exactly the quirky weirdness about him that I find endearing. I could never be partnered with someone like my sister but her husband values the things that make me nuts. No good match will require either partner to change the fundamental fabric of whom they are. Like Elsa described those parts of yourself will continue to be part of whom you are not matter how much you try to repress them or someone else tries to change them in you. Love yourself for who you are and find someone who loves you that way and vice verse.

  29. 9th house Taurus moon. Gotta hike, Nordic ski, keep a veggie garden. I *have* to be outside, in nature. I lived in the country most of my adult life. Cities bore me. My idea of a good time? A hike to the mountains to see the wildflowers. Dinner and a movie ? Meh. Let’s pack a gourmet lunch, hike 3-4 miles, and take lunch at 8000 feet while watching a glacier on a dormant volcanic peak (Moon is trine Pluto). Outdoor adventure !!

    I can’t NOT be outside. I turn into a pouty, cranky bull when I’ve been inside too long. Even in winter.

  30. I am just sensitive. Not gonna suddenly be OK with heaps of criticism sorry. I can’t be happy from nothing I think. I have to achieve something or be working on something meaningful which is my twelfth house Capricorn Mars.

  31. Virgo Moon in 3rd house – detailed communicator, analyzer, and self-critical. People constantly say I think too much, analyze too much.

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