I seem to have a paradoxical attitude about relationships. One the one hand, I’d really love to have a long-term serious relationship that could lead to marriage. But then again, I’m deathly afraid of any serious relationship turning into a situation where I’m so bored and disappointed with the other person I can’t stand to look at them any more.
That is what happened in my last (and only) serious relationship. Since then I have dated others casually, but these relationships are usually short, and end up with me getting dumped. They are never based on anything genuine – like a solid friendship base, for example. In the interim periods, I experience feelings of intense loneliness that are surprising even to me. I’m quite independent; I live alone, have a good supportive network of friends, a satisfying job and can go for long periods of time without a relationship/intimacy. I’m comfortable with being by myself.
Why the conflict of interests? Can you help me shed any light on this? Is there anything in my chart that reflects this?
Yes, your chart reflects this. You have your Sun, Moon, Mercury and Mars in Aquarius, in the Aquarius ruled 11th house. That’s a lot of Aquarius!!!! Further, you have aspects from Uranus (the planet that rules Aquarius) to your planets in Aquarius so that settles it. When it comes to Aquarius, you take the cake, the grand prize the gold star and the blue ribbon!
And this explains your independence and your ability to be detached, your network of friends, etc. These are all Aquarian traits and all is fine until you factor in Saturn…
You have Saturn in hard aspect to your Moon. And as light and free as you are, you have a niggling feeling there is something wrong with you. And Saturn is hanging out near your descendant, being all ouchy, which is where the tie to relationships comes in. So how to fix?
Awareness can help. When you have such an emphasis on one sign and one house like this, there is a tendency to deny the rest of you. But this won’t work obviously. You see how it comes up to dog you. And what will help is to own this side of yourself. Because as independent and unfettered as you may be, you do have feelings of insecurity that need to be accepted and incorporated into your life. And like happens so often on this blog, you are well on your way by writing me.
See, I imagine you with your friends: chit, chit, chat. And I am sure you are brilliant. So this side of you gets all the air. But when you wrote this blog, you gave Saturn some air. Saturn being your negative feelings and your fear. And this is the path that will bring relief.
Because the fact is, you probably will go insane if cooped up in a relationship. It’s just too restrictive. But if you can acknowledge the reality (Saturn) that your lack of relationship concerns you (Saturn) in spite of being A-OK in all other ways… and if you talk to your friends about this, then it can become just another quirk in personality of which I am sure there are plenty. Get it? You were already weird, and now you are a little weirder and I think you can live with that. 🙂
One more tip:
You may need another friend. One you can call when the black mood strikes. The point being that this new wrinkle of yourself that you are owning expands you, not otherwise.