Her Husband Is Addicted To Porn And Phone Sex: Capricorn Sun, Scorpio Moon

Porn Book

Dear Elsa,

I have been married for 6 years. I am 46 so is my husband. He has used porn for the whole marriage. In the beginning of our relationship I gave it a shot, but discovered I enjoyed sex better without the porn; it seemed to distract from our intimacy level. He never stopped and I decided if I am going to have sex with him it has to be without porn but he got upset… so I stopped having sex with him.

Now he looks at porn the same as he did, and we have not had sex for 7 months. At this point he would have sex with me without porn but after the past 5 years of dealing with his porn use every day, I am turned off (he also used phone sex).

I am hoping to find the book by Pamela Paul, “Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families” but in the meantime would appreciate hearing someone’s objective opinion.

Thank you,
Sexless Marriage

Dear Sexless,

Things clarify when you stop focusing on what someone else is doing and consider your own experience and actions. And you asked for my opinion and if I were you I would be getting a divorce right now. However, I am not you. But I’ll tell you how I would arrive at this decision, and hopefully this will help you think your own thoughts and arrive at your own decision.

Whether you are talking about a lover or a friend, it makes no difference. When someone close to you is doing something that bothers you, all you can do is tell them how you feel and ask them to stop. And they either will, or they won’t. And you can ask them again… and again, and again and again. And you can do all kinds of hijinks, but I have always thought this was pretty stupid.

I asked once, I asked twice. The person did not respond and I am not going to turn myself into some harping hag-person over some other person’s behavior. I am not going to spend my time trying and pleading to get someone to do something. Instead I am going to keep it very simple by asking myself if whatever the person is doing is a deal-breaker for me, or not.

So in this case, your husband has made it clear that he is going to beat off all over the place to whatever he can find. So how do you feel about that? How much does it bother you? How much do you miss having sex?

I consider sex as important as food. I have simply got to have this kind of exchange to feel whole and healthy, so if I found myself committed to a man who was jacking off in front of a computer all day… and I asked him to do something with my body and instead he picked up the phone to have sex with I have no idea who? Well I would be leaving the relationship within about one minute!

But someone else may feel differently. I am well aware a lot of men use porn, and a lot of women use toys! You know. He’s got his porn, and she’d got her Rabbit. And this is somewhat amusing to me and it seems fine provided both parties are happy. And there are some women who aren’t all that interested in sex in the first place, so glad their husband is occupied. But I want to have real sex with a real man, real often! I want a real exchange, real intimacy, etc. so given the circumstances you describe, if your husband were mine, he’d sit down in front of the computer and by the time he turned around and got up, I’d be gone without so much as a backwards glance.

Good luck.

 

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Comments

Her Husband Is Addicted To Porn And Phone Sex: Capricorn Sun, Scorpio Moon — 12 Comments

  1. I think the key in any relationship (or friendship, etc.) is that the two people involved both want to give and receive in a *compatible* manner.

    You want to, and are able to, give me what I need.

    I want to, and am able to, give you what you need.

    This is never possible 100% of the time for all things. But it HAS to be there MOST of the time for MOST things, or at least the IMPORTANT things.

    Each person gets to define for themselves “what’s important”.

    If your “importants” are not ~compatible~, you probably should not be together.

  2. Sexless…..I don’t know if these are the things you tell yourself to allow yourself a relationship like this but I’ve got an idea it’s the same stuff I USED to tell myself.

    Unfortunately we live an a culture where the female body is glorified for it’s potential to give “men” physical gratification (just look at the images of Mae West, Marilyn Monroe, Pamela Anderson and the bevy of sex-pots who grace all the flesh magazines and film). With this constant barrage of sensual female images an “average” woman can feel compelled to live up to this stereotype.

    In my first marriage (in ’82) my then husband was very enamoured of the female images he saw in flesh magazines and in porn films. I tried to “play” along until it became all about the act. He demanded that I dress provocatively and reinact some of the things we saw in those films.
    Well, being human and all, I felt somewhat indignant about the proposal…but I complied and what I got was a husband who became more obsessed with this addiction….and I had to live with the remorse of behaving in a way contrary to my personal code of dignity.

    I divorced him believing all the while he had the problem….not I.

    I kept meeting this very same problem until I realized that it was not all these guys that really had a problem (they were totally cool with their addictions)but rather my problem for “buying” into the pre-pubescent image of femininity and sexuality in our culture(?) ……that women perpetuate by allowing themselves to be bought and sold like so much cattle.

    I became a victim in this sedicious mind/body game of power=sex/sex=power. I wanted “love” and attention (and power) at any cost (over the other women who held the power of eliciting an erection out of my ex’es) so I decided that if I could not beat them (no, not my husbands but the “other” women) I’d join ’em…and sadly this is what millions of women are doing.

    I became a master at the game and had many, many men in pursuit of me. Some very wealthy and successful. Some married or with girlfriends…it did not matter to them if they were “taken”…only that they satisfied their ego’s. Personally, a man (or woman) that can do this to someone he/she professes to “Love” leaves me cold.

    I’ve no respect for him…or the women who get involved with them…..and a woman who will undress for the camera ( ANY camera that gets an audience ) is stepping into MY personal space.
    She is provoking a reaction (specific reaction) from men(maybe women also) that will give her a sense of power. I just don’t respect a woman who will willingly elicit a sexual(=power) reaction from my s.o…..and that is really what it is about.

    Some of you may argue that the magazine/film is not intended for men who are “taken” but then that is really a vey naive premise. Sex is like any other addiction….consumming and almost impossible to part with… irrespective of your social or marital status.

    I hope that you do not fall into the mainstream that calls itself society and allow it to carry you to a place that will require years of recovery (and therapy). I hope that you have more courage than I ever did to look at yourself, without the filter of your addicted spouse, and see that you are worth more than being used as a receptacle.

    I’m with Elsa. If he’s spending most of his time with “other” women then he’s really not with “you”. You are 46 and have earned the right to live life as you desire. Is this YOUR authentic life? Or his? I’m 44 and know, unequivocally, if the man I call husband had this behavior he would not be called my husband.
    As he’s beating himself off to the image of body parts I’d be beating a path to the door.

    I wish you the dignity and respect you are seeking in love. Good luck to you also.

  3. I love this advice – and I had put up with a live-in boyfriend for 4 years of similar scenario; I wish I had walked away without a backward glance – with myself intact and whole. Instead I waited until it deteriorated through lack of intimacy – yet I never took my stand for what I needed and should have believed I deserved. I understand marriage is a whole ‘nother ballgame. But I do goddamn love your advice.

  4. Heather……..we never “have” to put up with anyone or their harmful behavior(s). For whatever messed up reason (and there are a myriad of reasons) we “choose” to.

    I hope there is a happy ending to your story?

  5. Er, that’s what HeatherL said. Not that she “had to”, just only that she “had” and now wishes she hadn’t.

    I too hope she has a happier way of living now. :>

  6. Every month this subject seems to be coming up! It really gets my goat..is there someting wrong in the heart of man? Are women really just pieces of meat to you? What pisses me most is there are some really lovely guys being drawn into this seedy world and i dont get why they are letting themselves and risking the real love that lies beside them (not to mention the time spent trying to cover the trail)..you know just to get a 5min thrill. If the problem is so big, are there many men left who dont do it? If we all walk away, will they change or will the divide between the sexes just get bigger? Is the link between love & sex dead or do the sexes just have different ideas of it? For instance, do men get upset if we get off on other men with huge todgers? C’mon men stop for a moment and think..know that may be hard (excuse the pun)for many of you but really why?

  7. Z (and everyone else),
    Yes, there is something wrong in the heart of man! It’s called sin. In this case specifically lust, and the problem is HUGE! I’ve been addicted to porn for the last 12 years. I am happy to say though, I have made significant progress in ridding my life of porn. Really loving men are dragged into this all of the time because sin is blinding. I’m married and it’s still a daily battle to resist the temptation.

    Sexless marriage,
    I’m sorry to hear of your situation. First, I want to say good job on standing your ground about not having porn used when your having sex. However, not having sex with him is just going to put a strain on both of you. Sometimes, it’s good for men to abstian from sex when trying to recover from a porn addiction, but they need to abstain from all forms of sex (i.e. masturbating, porn, phone sex, etc.). If not, lack of sex between you two will more than likely just drive him to seek porn even further.

    Have you tried to talk about this with him in a civil tone, or have you only spoken in anger and made threats? Have you told him how you feel about porn? I know that you didn’t really touch on this, but I’m sure that you feel jealous of the other women. I bet that you feel hurt and inadaquate. You are obviously a bit desperate to get rid of porn or you wouldn’t be on here. Am I wrong? Talk to him about that. Tell him how hurt you are. Try to help him realize that he has a problem.

    I am a recovering porn addict and I want to help other men and women. I’m married and we have seen and been through most of the problems and feelings that people post on here. If you want to talk to me or read more about porn issues my blog is a great place to start. Click my name. You can contact me from there. You’ll be in my thoughts.

  8. First the sex life goes, then the intimacy goes, then the marriage goes and you have nothing. Been there, done that. Have not had a sex life in years and now I am 54 years old. If you can’t compete with the online bimbos at 46, imagine a few years from now…
    Give him an ultimatum. He seeks counseling, gives it up, or you go. Wish I had done it when it started. Wish I had not let it ruin my life.

  9. When kids are involved I think walking out on your family because you’re not having sex is cruel and selfish. Wait until the kids are grown and on their own then you can do whatever you want.

  10. I have a friend who’s father left for another woman much younger than her mother when she was just barely an adolescent. From what I get this is just a horrible thing. I guess what happens is that sometimes men are wired, hardwired to pick up signals you might call them from the matureing girl. It is not entirely their doing or chooseing. How else do you explain apparently kind men doing such horrible things to the family’s they supposedly love. Now I know many will say this is wrong and that they are all assholes, and I am bound to agree… Just another viewpoint. What is horrible in my oppinion is how this leaves the girl who did absolutely nothing wrong but try to grow up… And she may be left emotionally and even physically scarred. Maybe never be able to really enjoy real relationships with men ever again. Does anyone have comments experience with about this?

  11. my horrible horny father chose a sick whore aged 23 and left my lovely mom of 30 years for hot sex.i have younger sisters, and i am shit scared what this will do to us.i feel coming in the way is a selfish thing to do but is it not selfish of him to hurt us, our mom and scar that young girl who is fatherless and trying to only fill that void.when i tried fighting him i realized my life was getting hurt, now i do not fight him and my life still sucks.i hate him, i hate his site,i wish he would die so that i can recover from this bad dream.he is sex starved, perverted and a slime ball coward.ironically this makes the mom more of a warrier, she fights for her sake, for our sake, for the girl’s sake who is also my father’s victim,and for the sake of goodness.i wish the worm in my fathers penis would die.he is adicted to porn.he dishonours women,himself and god’s creation.i worry for our future and his.our poor mother is shattered because of the cold bastard.

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