My Friend Is Annoying

Dear Elsa,

I have a dear friend who seems to get upset over the smallest things. She makes me feel awful if I do something else with other mutual friends and not include her. I am starting to pull away from her, because she makes it harder and harder for me to enjoy being around her.

The group of friends we hang around are all within 5 minutes of each other. Our spouses get along great, as do the women. Our kids though, do not get along very well (they range in age from 4 to 12). The friend who I am having an issue with also takes it very personally when the children don’t get along. Plus she always seems to take her children’s side.

I guess what I am getting at is, is this friendship over? I really like this friend… and her husband and mine get along very well. I just feel like I am always on eggshells. Any advice?

Angsty Mom

Dear Mom,

Yes I have advice, and no I don’t think the friendship is over. If it were over, you’d know it. But you are calling this woman a “dear friend”. You say you like her a lot. That’s a high compliment and tells me the relationship is very much worth salvaging.

Now I acknowledge her annoying behavior, but there is no deal-breaker in there. You know. She didn’t screw your husband, betray you, burn your house down, etc. She is flawed and that’s all. She’s not perfect, but neither are you, so how about we look at your side of this conflict?

You’re a Virgo, with Venus in Virgo. I guess you’ve heard about Virgo nit-picking, yes? And Virgo fault-finding? Well your posts reads like this. You have discovered this woman’s faults and you can itemize them.

Venus is a detriment in Virgo for this exact reason. It seeks perfection (Virgo) in relationships (Venus) which is an impossible standard. And it will be YOU not her that falls on your knife if you do not work with your tendency to focus on what is wrong with the people you love. Why? Because every relationship will always fall short.

But there is a way to work with your energy that is positive for all. Like this: you’ve identified her problems, but don’t stop there. Help her resolve them! This is Virgo’s job. And you need to communicate (Virgo) your criticism (Virgo) in a loving way (Venus) that benefits others (Virgo service).

So this is my advice. Call up your friend and say this: “I love you. I love you for this, and this and this, and this, but you are driving me crazy….” And pick just one thing at a time, okay? Pick the thing that bothers you the most and work on ‘transcending” the thing that bothers you the least. Do this and I bet you meet in the middle and keep your dear friend.

Good luck.

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My Friend Is Annoying — 7 Comments

  1. Pluto/Venus conjunction in Virgo in the 7H (relationships) here, so this and the previous post are of personal interest to me.

    Alas, I have spent my life attracting partners with NO desire to be ‘helped to grow’ (no desire to grow, period). Not sure what, in my chart, favors that.

    Anyway, from now on, for me, it’s partners who don’t NEED ‘help’ or else who do, but are aware and WANT it. No more flogging dead horses, for me.

  2. I have to note the phrase, “she makes me feel awful… when I don’t include her” If she’s really such a dear friend, why leave her out? Why let her know?

    We are responsible for our feelings and our actions. Being excluded is one of the most painful experiences a person can have in a tight knit group. At least we can be in touch with the emotional outcome of our actions.

    The letter writer doesn’t seen to like this woman as a friend at all. There are no reasons for given for liking this woman other than her proximity and her socially acceptable husband.

    It sounds like the most difficult thing that is bothering Venus in Virgo is the way this woman is raising her children. I seriously doubt a unsolicited critique of another’s parenting would improve this relationship.

    “Walking on eggshells” is classic terminology for what it is like to be around a depressed person. She ‘makes me feel awful’ because that’s how this woman feels. Probably a bit sensitive and vulnerable

    If you *truly* care for this woman, maybe reach out to her and see if she needs some support. She just might confide in you. This may do wonders for your relationship. It might allow her to have a deeper friendship rather than one more place where she feels judged and inadequate.

  3. “The letter writer doesn’t seen to like this woman as a friend at all. There are no reasons for given for liking this woman other than her proximity and her socially acceptable husband.”

    You should keep in mind that Elsa edits all letters so she sees info that we don’t. Also, the writer is not asking your advice, but rather Elsa’s.

  4. Hi Nina,
    Thanks for that bit of information. I would be surprised if Elsa left out details of positive emotions on the part of the letter writer. I could be wrong, but my intuitions about matters I have no personal stake in are pretty reliable.

    To edit positive expressions would be like unflattering reality TV editing, giving an unappealing tone to the inquirer. Personally, while I do not always agree with her advice, I think MUCH more highly of Elsa(and her editor) than that.

    Your are correct. The writer is not asking my advice, but on the ‘comments’ discussion other interjections were explicitly allowed. If Elsa (or her editor) had been concerned about the content of my posting, it would have been moderated and you never would have seen it.

    In a very plain and obvious way sense, you are volunteering to moderate my posting in a context where your editorial input has not been requested. In that way, you are now my equal in what you seem to deem ‘inappropriate behavior’. No?

    Everyone has a choice in how they treat friends(acquaintances, and neighbors). As an astrologer, I shared my opinion based on the info provided, and my own substantial experience. *An opinion Elsa chose to share.* My friendships tend to be based on accepting others as they are, and I posted an *acceptable* alternative appropriate to a Virgo type.

    Thanks for offering your valuable time to respond to my comments. Maybe you have an opinion to share about how a Virgo type can use a different, *positive* approach to maintain friendships with hypersensitive people?

  5. I’m not going to get into a back & forth with you, but I will answer the questions you asked me:

    1. I do not think comments in general (including critiques of Elsa’s advice or that of other commenters such as yourself) are inappropriate and in that way I do not see my comment as “inappropriate”. What I DO think is inappropriate is an assumption that “The letter writer doesn’t seen to like this woman as a friend at all.” without having read the full letter or seeing the actual charts (maybe there is a real connection evident there) – but correct me if you have. If anything, assumptions without full information are quite like the results of reality-TV-editing. Also, you are quite welcome for my valuable time 🙂 and I only hope that hearing a different perspective on this has been interesting to you, whether you agree or not.

    2. As to whether I have anything to add for the original poster: No. I think Elsa’s advice was quite good & quite sufficient.

    3. This is not my question (though I have posted questions here in the past) and in that sense I also have no personal stake in this particular column.

  6. Hi Nina,
    Thanks for your response. BTW I wasn’t asking you to advise the poster, but have a dialogue with me – the person you had addressed and any other readers interested. There’s a difference.

    This was a sign of friendly respect for you.

    I don’t read this column only to see others get advice, but also to contemplate choices, methods and life experience. Comments and disagreements are common in much larger free, advice columns online.

    [You are not aware I have mentioned this model privately to Elsa. (So again, we’re having similar, yet different experiences of Elsa.)]

    I made no assumptions about the relationship, other than what was presented. Because of this I wrote does not “seem (typo seen)to like this woman at all.”

    She doesn’t seem to like her as a friend. This is a slightly different way of saying,

    “But you are calling this woman a dear friend… I guess you’ve heard about Virgo nit-picking, yes? And Virgo fault-finding? Well your posts reads like this.”

    Basically we’re saying the same thing, but in VERY different ways.

    This has nothing to do with the charts other than Virgo Sun, Venus in Virgo and is certainly enough for me to know this woman has an ability to help(and to be pointlessly critical and meddlesome). But, I don’t need a chart to know the best intentioned, unsolicited criticism often harms relationships.

    Elsa concentrated on the letter writer, and not the characterization of the friend. I concentrated on the friend, who seemed pretty down hearted and sensitive. Now, when I’m down -what strengthens a friendship is not a monologue of how great I am followed by what’s wrong with me. I benefit from being listened to and *then* hearing how a Virgo type can help with what’s wrong.

    Since I thought quite carefully about choosing to respond to Elsa’a advice with an alternative, I hope you can respect that choice, and her subsequent choice to share it. If you take further offense to what is posted in the comments, please feel free to address it to the moderators.

    So Nina, it’s been interesting to chat with you. I don’t have time for more of this, but enjoy exchanging ideas about astrology and its uses. I appreciate the time you have taken to express your opinions.

    Enjoy your reading, writing and/or advice seeking.

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