I had a gal write me awhile back. She outlined the state of her life in just a couple sentences. It was overwhelmingly sad. She was standing at the end of a line of very bad decisions she had made over the last two decades, holding herself accountable.
The note read like this:
“I did this, this, this, this and this, that were very bad. I am now capping it all off with this (failure).”
Her mail was stark, heavy and haunting. I didn’t offer any advice, because she did not ask for any. I guess she just wanted to tell someone safe? A stranger? I was struck by this and I asked a number people what they thought of it.
We all agreed her situation was grim. Surprisingly, we also all agreed as to her best course of action. I want to ask you the same question.
How can a person in mid-life, redeem themselves when they wake up and realize they are completely bereft? Exactly what would you advise to help this person onto a path of healing?
It’s like you are writing about my son. He is only 19 but keeps digging himself lower. He takes no responsibility for this yet. I don’t know if I have any more advice.
I wouldn’t approach this kind of advise in a judgmental way. Life is a journey, sometimes you make bad choices and sometimes you make good ones. But life goes on with or with you. She is now aware of the choices she wasn’t happy with in her past and now there is no need to dwell on them. Negativity breeds negativity. I’ll tell you there is a woman I heard of from a friend who was divorced in mid life and had to live with her mother and grandmother. So she felt trapped. She decided to join the peace corps and she said it was the best thing she could have done. Basically I would say the past done, just forget about the negativity no matter how much it haunts you because it would like to resurface like a demon but don’t it and be anything but positive, and do positive things for yourself and others. I would also recommend joining a support group that is positive the Agape Center in Culver City CA comes to mind. I myself am Catholic. I find joy in living to its selfless teachings and so many others. While others want to manifest things by law of attraction I want to help the poor. So I recommend she join a group not in which will make her gloat over misery but will lift her up. She sounds depressed and needs lifting of the Spirit.
If someone wrote to you, they’re asking for advice, whether they “ask” or not. I hope you do post the advice. It would help many who read your blog.
“If someone wrote to you, they’re asking for advice, whether they “ask” or not. ”
Sorry, but I strongly disagree. This is not the first time this has happened. People do this with me from time to time. It’s like a 4th step or a confession. They just want the stuff out of them, like vomiting something that makes them feel sick inside and they most definitely don’t want to discuss it.
This is more like having a hydra inside. You just want to give that thing, light and air. It really does help.
I am totally against offering advice no one asked for.
I moved – I left the scenario which was the scene of so many bad decisions, failures and painful experiences, and started over somewhere else.
I’ve done this more than once. It works for me.
Moon in House 9? Sag SN? Seven planets in Cardinal?
I’m not sure why it works, but taking some kind of action is essential for me, and moving away is the obvious thing to do, for me.
Even preparing a new place to live is a kind of ritual cleansing
ETA My chart is almost all Cardinal, hence the need to ACT
Even though you strongly disagree, I still hope you post the advice…at least I am asking.
elizabeth2 – I am afraid of the fallout of doing that in this forum, but I do care, which is why I am posting this. Since there was a consensus in my inner circle, I figured others would come to the same conclusion and may write about it?
A commenter on this site has a lot more freedom than I do, so here again:
If a person finds themselves in a true state of despair over terrible things they’ve done, how can they redeem themselves and find peace and positivity in their life?
What would I advise to help on the path to healing….
To forgive yourself for all the hurtful past and since the person seems aware of all the wrongdoings herself also to start fresh. Sometimes we continue living in guilt because we are afraid of taking the first step into new direction…but once you “know” where you went wrong you are more then capable of changing direction
ps – I definitely don’t think beating yourself up is the way to go…or even remotely helpful.
I think providing advice would be a better option Elsa. Sometimes people ask for help without directly asking. But if you disagree, that’s fine.
As far as people in mid-life are concerned, I have seen my parents struggle with their second Saturn return (however, they are not into astrology, so…). It’s really a time when people are examining their legacy, and they feel like they’ve come up really short…
@Blessed Place
I guess if the Moon is in Sag in the 9th house by itself, then yes, the ability to start over is very possible.
In my case, my Moon is in Sag, in the 9th house, but my Saturn is also in Sag, in the 10th house. So sometimes the desire to start over does exist, but there is also a feeling of reluctance to try things (and maybe my Sun in Virgo comes into play).
It is never too late to change.
Some of you know my tendency to psychoanalize….
And so I would also advice speaking with a therapist. In really deep and long standing internal conflicts it is often incredibly helpful….
And above all to believe in herself. There is no one without the sin- but we all are capable of greatness. Often the real greatnes is an outcome of great pain….
I want to tell you that once upon a time I believed fantastic things would happen to me. I thought I would be everything; rich, famous, beautiful…I mean I was a kid but I just assumed I had a marvelous life in front of me. I was wrong. I’ve had a terrible life.
Some of it was my fault. Some of it was someone else’s fault. Some of it was fate.
But I couldn’t understand why *me*, you know? I looked around at other people and envied everything they had very deeply. I was very bitter and frightened.
And then I started talking to a very gifted Vedic astrologer who is my teacher and I believe bodhisattva. Among many things that she told me — all of them so helpful they were like some kind of intravenous feeding of emotional balance — my vedic ruling planet is in the sixth house of my vedic chart.
This is the house that rules debts, service, diseases, arguments, battles, and basically one whole big swath of human suffering. So…this is what I got. A sixth house life.
Understanding that was just about the most enlightening moment of my life. But imagine how disappointed I was to hear it to begin with. Not the fifth house — creativity and love. Not the ninth house — study and religion. Not even the seventh house — love and marriage. See, I was waiting for the astrologer to tell me when my life would turn out great. And she basically told me it never would.
I look at a person who has “obliterated their life” to be a person who has a karmic appointment with loss. She is not the only one, by a longshot. People have lost immense fortunes, beautiful opportunities, treasured loved ones, their health, their lives, their minds. It’s no different than any other reality. Ultimately we lose *it all* eventually. All of it. Everything goes. Sooner or later.
We are lucky to be here at all. I am lucky I am as safe and prosperous and supported and loved as I am — and man, look at all the things I *don’t* have. No family, little fortune, no love. But I am still allowed to live and think and write and work and thrive.
What I *lost* I don’t think about very often. If I do it’s with a sense of sadness but an understanding that these experiences happened — as they do for all people — to teach me that there is nothing in this world anyone can ever hold onto.
A person who has obliterated their life is probably in a Ketu period and is now in a position to experience liberation from past patterning, addiction, attachment. There is nothing in the way now, and believe me it is a type of wealth.
Well, let us know please when someone does give the kind of advice that would help this person and so many others, including myself. I am really asking. Of course, if you’re worried about fallout, you could always email me off line. The answers may seem obvious to your inner circle, but unfortunately, not to me. I am reminded of the advice given by doctors and counselors to addicts and their family members, “They have to hit bottom before they can be helped”. From my experience, the bottom is often death, and the help is too late. Yes, people do have to be ready to hear and to ask, but there must be a middle ground somewhere for recovery? I am not being sarcastic, just looking for some guidance. thanks
Becoming ‘aware’ is the first step, and ‘owning’ it is a sign that this person is ready to alter the course of her life.
The advice I would give would be to take a good hard look at those ‘decisions’. Look for the ‘pattern’, I’ll bet she’ll find one (maybe more).
It’s my opinion, that if one doesn’t do this, it’s nearly impossible to stop the looping. It could be an unconscious belief that she’s ‘not good enough’ to have a happy life, or feels deeply that she ‘doesn’t deserve’ to live out her dreams.
If this has been going on for years and years, it would likely be helpful to turn to someone that is trained to coach her through the process. The underlying issues may be traumatic, so having someone to move her through them could be very beneficial.
If she wrote you, I would guess she’s got a spark of fight left in her. I wish her the best on her journey, and would like to encourage her to fan that spark, claw her way out of whatever mess her life is and realize that she’ll be a much stronger (and happier) person on the other side. XO
Pandora, against all advice and counsel, opened the box releasing all the evils, sickness and sadness into the world. But there within the box also resided the one powerful antidote to despair and ruin…Hope.
Here’s the thing that I glean from the writer’s note: She is self-aware and accepting of her own actions and the consequences. *That* is her powerful antidote to despair. It is the bitter medicine that can lead to redemption and healing.
If she had written a litany of things that had happened *to* her, that would be different. But someone who is aware and accepting of bad choices and behavior–and understands the link of consequences is actually in possession of a valuable [if painful] education. This person is uniquely equipped to analyze and chart out a different, better way going forward.
Though there may be people or situations that are lost to her forever in this lifetime, those are the very catalysts to shore up her resolve and determination to do better wherever and however she can in the future.
Compassion. Forgive yourself, forgive others. It won’t bring back everything you lost but if you are on a downward spiral, it would give you a bottom to hit, something to climb up from.
I don’t know how you can change yourself unless you are honest. This woman is being honest. As far as midlife goes, you can change your life at any stage. A lot of people don’t even start to bloom until after middle age. I would say good luck. Change is a rough road to travel, but it is worth it.
I’m not sure of what advice I would give but I will say that I strongly agree what Elsa said here:
I am totally against offering advice no one asked for.
If you go ahead and offer people advice they don’t ask for, it’s not an energy exchange — it’s aggressive. It may seem like a person is asking for something because one infers something about the emotional state (like it’s not “happy” and therefore needs to change) but this person didn’t ask specifically. Why shouldn’t this person be allowed just to give this information to someone, as Elsa said?
If we all start offering advice without being asked, well, that may seem “helpful” but I’m not sure how it’s helpful to give people something they haven’t asked for. It also protects the person who might potentially be “helping” to have an understanding about what the relationship actually is, however ephemeral it might be. I feel strongly about this — and feel it’s a very Saturn in Scorpio topic.
I second compassion. Start small, and start basic. Your health is a good place to start. Lose what you can. If that is excess weight, lose the weight. If it’s a bad habit like not taking care of your teeth, start taking care of your teeth. Forget about telling yourself ‘it’s too late.’ Read the ‘found’ section in Craigslist. Look up ‘oldest marathon runner’ in the Guinness Book of World Records. Make it a mission, to start small and affirm to yourself that the basics are what makes a life.
I am engaged to be married to a man who obliterated his life. He also knows it’s almost entirely due to bad decisions for years. 29 years ago, it was sink or swim for him, and he sank.
Redemption is a possibility for most of us. It sounds like it is for you, too. You are a child of this Universe and your bad decisions never negate this. Ever.
“Why shouldn’t this person be allowed just to give this information to someone, as Elsa said?”
Yes, and she was invited to do this by the way, so her behavior was entirely appropriate.
Her post may have been chilling but it was elegant. In my mind, the fact she puked this up put her on squarely on a path towards healing and there is no way I would interfere with that.
It is a Saturn in Scorpio topic. This is not deep and personal, rather than social (Libra).
I agree re. advice. Am I confused though–should I not have offered any just now? (don’t mind me–t.Neptune in 3rd has me confused on a regular basis).
@kr
That’s a very good point about advice. Far too often I’ve given advice when it wasn’t asked for and not always welcomed.
When I DO receive advice, I usually perceive it as an opinion and wonder if it will help my situation or not.
Elsa you wrote:”It is a Saturn in Scorpio topic. This is [not] deep and personal, rather than social(Libra).”
That is it. I feel the depth of this woman’s angst and understand your stance about not giving advice when not asked. I’ve been there, and am there at the moment: painfully aware of the choices that leave me at a loss.
@Kashmiri … your thoughts are soulful and compassionate, especially this I relate to: “loss something …” much like a homeopathic approach to root issues, I appreciate that. “redemption” …after making amends to ourself, and then to others.
This is meaningful to me this morning. Perhaps a harbinger of things meant to be(come).
I believe Elsa’ question was – exactly what would you advise this person to help on the path to healing….
I believe I answered that question.
It is not about giving an advice or not….I hope I understood it right…
kash, this person and their problem and mistakes are completely concealed. There is nothing revealing here which makes this a broad question. You really can’t address this person, directly.
You know how it is said, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”? What I am trying to discuss here, is what if it is not small stuff? What if you really need redemption?
I think the key is this right here,
“what she would advise *someone like this*…”
If I had to pick just one thing that Elsa’s site teaches and demonstrates simply by its very existence–its that no one person has a monopoly on any particular issue or situation.
So, for Elsa to receive such a correspondence–there are others similarly situated. By posing the issue to the collective, I think, the OP and others who are struggling or suffering are afforded the ability to privately or publically make a choice to engage or dismiss the responses and insights of those who choose to post.
In addition, by posing the general question we all have the larger opportunity for self-reflection and focused thought about how this relates to ourselves and our lives. It brought up some strong feelings and reflection for me this morning, for example about my Ex, his actions past and present…It was timely and helpful on a personal level. 🙂
This is how I think it is very different from offering unsolicited advice.
I think Elsa is right about not giving advice, and about the “confessional” nature of these communications. I bet you get metric crap-tons of it, ma’am, because you are “safe”. I think that’s also why you get so much hater-ation, too.
I would congratulate this woman, personally. She may have F-ed it all up, but at least she owns it, now. And it will be so hard to build back up, but so worth it, if she does. I agree with CaRrIe and Kashmiri.
Love one’s self. That’s the hardest thing, but also the very important first step in the right direction. Then take steps toward *actualizing* the person she wants to be. Just wanting to be better is a big deal!
(GOOD LUCK!)
That’s right, Eixziander. I am anonymous. And people know I am not going to mail them back and bitch them out or judge them. I also agree, re: the congratulations. It’s not easy to turn the lights up like this.
Yes, I can definitely feel that we’re not talking about small… Thinking of my partner–the stuff in his life was definitely not small. Over 2 decades of really bad decisions, made in a nihilistic way. He’ll be untangling it the rest of his life. Some problems are unfathomable. You are here; you can start.
Kashmiri, I am grateful you offered.
That was beautiful and I wrote it down to read and reread on my desktop at my computer at work. It was appropriate and much needed thoughts – way to think about things – for me on this day. I was seeking advice, thought I did not say it outloud.
My advise is you are not dead yet. If there are things you can fix, fix them. Make amends if possible. If not move on. Help someone else. It will do wonders for you.
Oh – and I am not the young lady who wrote Elsa
Haven’t we all woken up in the middle of the night at some point and felt this? It would be hard for me to believe most of us have not. The person who wrote you Elsa, can only go up from here and my guess is she is as we discuss this. Psychological survival, at least in my case, will usually guide one to shore, consciously or not if they are willing to step in the boat. I did. I had to or I would still be stuck. It’s not the pain goes away (maybe diminishes) or the memories of the mistakes we have made suddenly evaporate. But you start to move forward, anywhere else than being stuck in self-made purgatory. I wish her the best and want her to know, when she is ready to step into the boat, she will know. And hopefully faith will go with her.
I have no idea what I’d say. It would really depend on her situation. But in general, it’s not like I know how to fix anything either, so would I even have advice? Probably not.
I agree with several posts – the first step is awareness, which it appears that this person has just done. Maybe verbalizying it is part of her process of becoming aware and taking the next step. I agree that if she didn’t ask for advice at this stage, then it is prudent not to go there – it may overwhelm the person.
If it becomes clear she wants advice, well I believe that one can redeem onself no matter how bleak the situation. First step, awareness of issues, then acknowledgment of causes. Acknowledgment also includes not “beating oneself up”. Then formulate some goals – small ones that are capable of being accomplished. One foot in front of the other………
Choose to act differently – just change one small thing (such as those suggested by Kashmiri) and even if you flub it, keep starting over until the change takes root. You are planting the seeds of a new life and just as in any garden, not all seeds will sprout and not all seedlings will flourish – all it takes is one.
When you see your reflection, look into your eyes and say, ‘I love you — (your name). Your discomfort in doing this is in proportion to your need to learn to love yourself no matter what you may or may not imagine are your faults or sins.
I’m glad something I said resonated for someone…I feel really strongly about this. I have Chiron conjunct my IC so my instincts are to start at the root and use it as a rope to keep climbing.
((((letter writer))))
70% of our lives can be mistakes. All actions cannot be directly proportional to success. Once she has made a decision to align her self with the universe and the good energy, she will feel better.
80-20% rule, only so much really matters in life.
I would simply say that this person is HONEST, how rare. How sick I am of 99 percent of us (me included) who do expend so much energy justifying and glittering up their accomplishments.
I would advise her to ask for God’s help. Stand naked before the Universe and let it mold you. Just let go.
I’m not sure why this person has messed up so much. Is it because, yes, they display a kind of honesty in their confessions (perhaps they like to confess, get various reactions of advice and sympathy in some cases), but not when it counts. If You’ve messed up your life, it’s important not to feel sorry for yourself. I get the sense sometimes that confessionals are just this – a way to wallow in the sadness of it all and waste the time this way so that they don’t have to take concrete steps toward fixing the mess, however deep.
This weekend, Full Moon, I felt horrible. I noticed significant failures and places I had messed up. I crawled under a rock for a day and a half, but at the end of it I decided that everyone makes mistakes, everyone has parts of themselves they wish were stronger, better, things they regret and wish they could’ve done better or performed better – but people don’t just go around and kill themselves because of it. Most people don’t anyway. Life goes on. And there ARE things you can do, even when it gets horrible. Some people make problems so they don’t have to deal with others. But the piper always comes to be paid. And if you’ve messed up your life continuously, there is no end to how bad it can get. It really has no bottom. Equally so, there is no end to how much you can change your situation. It is important this person does not give up and does not abandon him or herself to hopelessness. People on the thread seem to think this person is honest- I would say she is not honest. Her confessional and any honesty displayed therein are another way to distract from the real work at hand. I’d tell this person to get to work: bc in life, that is all there really is to do.
Be as gentle with yourself as you would with a beloved child. Compassion, compassion, compassion. I second Kashmiri.
No advice to offer, but I feel it’s never too late to start over.
Now, I just saw a local makeover show. The person they made over this time was a lady who had been a drug addict for 20 years, and homeless for the best part of it. She’d been in and out prison, lost her children and much more. The only thing she had left was her partner and now husband. When he almost died, she decided to stay off drugs. It took longer for him, but he finally did find God in solitary refinement. He is now a pastor, and she has studied to be a social worker. The most remarkable thing about this couple was that when asked, the husband (who had wrote the letter to producers to get the wife in the show) said, “Finding God worked for me, something else could for someone else.”
Now, I live in their old neighborhood. I see people who are where they were on daily bases. And to be honest, I’ve seen them pretty much as lost causes. The fact these people made it out does give hope for everybody in hopeless situation.
Ouch, I’m there… but not
Grab the good things, cling to them, nurture them, grow them. remind yourself everyday there are always people worse off.
You must always try and make the best of whatever you have. I have seen people in extreme poverty, can’t even feed their children, who do so.
Or give up.
Go to a vipassana meditation center and learn to accept the dissolution of habit patterns: habit patterns in thought and feeling: habit patterns in speech, learning to recognize a personal addiction to behaviour and letting go with determination, determination to make tracks toward goodness, truth and beauty. Wishing you wellness!
I would definitely advise to start small. Simply because it’s too overwhelming otherwise.
Small self care rituals, like eating right and cleanliness can do wonders.
Redemption is an inside job.
Also, it might help to reflect on suffering as the manure out of which compassion grows (helps if there is a self pity issue, although it doesn’t seem like that’s an issue).
When I was replying I was thinking more of a life burned down by poor decision making, than by doing bad or even evil things which need redemption.
I guess all you can do in that situation, is make amends where that’s possible, and then dedicate your life to helping others.
Work in a refuge or a hospice, or with the homeless or the mentally sick. Do those jobs that nobody else wants to do. Try to build some ‘good karma’ to balance the bad.
We were just talking about this over the dinner table – the value of confession as a way to purge oneself of one’s burdens and start fresh. The fact that you’re admitting fault to another, knowing that said confessee won’t judge or condemn you… that the other person will confirm that there’s still hope for you to make things right for yourself and in your relationships with others, is very powerful indeed.
I would leave out the redemption thing (some would call it catholic guilt syndrome), work on engaging my higher self, and try not to take it all too seriously while I’m in the trough. With of course, a serious streak of survivor spirit, and possibly some human interaction. The deeper you go, the more you can look at and say, puh, not a big deal.
In astrology, redemption is associated with Neptune. See Liz Greene’s master work on the topic: http://www.amazon.com/Astrological-Neptune-Quest-Redemption/dp/1578631971