A Single Mother Looking For Love, Post Her Divorce

love greetingsI wrote this for a client. Her circumstance is fairly common. She’s an emotionally mature (not necessarily having to do with age), responsible woman, divorced with children. Is she supposed to go out there and date? Is it even worth it? What if her children are okay with it?

Often, if your kids are teenagers, they definitely want you to date so they’re not feeling they have to take care of you. Your life is about “them” right as they’re trying to establish themselves as adults.

 When your kids are readying themselves to leave the nest, and you’re a single mother, it makes sense that you begin to build relationships that will sustain you when they fly the coop…which they will do!  But it can be daunting to go back out there after a painful divorce.

Here’s what I wrote, which is tailored for today.

“It’s a really good question. Everything you mentioned is important to consider but I think the best answer is that if you feel lonely, you be open to a relationship. Soften your stance, as opposed to changing your tune?

You don’t want to go out there while you’re still defensive. People can smell that. Men, I mean. “This woman is mad at her ex, does not trust men.”  You don’t want to put that out there.

You also don’t want to put out anything weak that might attract a predator. What I would do is concentrate on acceptance (last stage of grieving) of the loss of your marriage while you simultaneously think about opening the door to the potential of meeting someone.

Saturn Neptune is about forces greater than you straightening things out.   If you reread what you wrote to me, there is a (understandable) desire to control your experience. But in real life, real love is something that shows up in it’s own time.

See if you can let go of one thing and subtly turn so you can see out the window to the potential of a happier life…”

You don’t necessarily have to get out there and HUNT. I almost think people shore themselves up so they take another beating…and then they go out there and get beaten. They expect it and it happens.  But that’s not really how love comes into your life.

You’ve to have to have some kind of faith or hope, there is someone out there for you. You’ve got to leave a door open so that something good can flow your way.

I hope this helps this woman….and maybe you as well.


Comments

A Single Mother Looking For Love, Post Her Divorce — 12 Comments

  1. YES! “But in real life, real love is something that shows up in it’s own time.”

    YES! “You’ve to have to have some kind of faith or hope, there is someone out there for you. You’ve got to leave a door open so that something good can flow your way.”

    I agree whole heartedly.

    I’m very recently divorced. I don’t feel any need to go out and hunt but I do have the inkling that life has someone in mind. I think our divorce got the gears of life cranking and shifting. I don’t know when or where and I have no idea who. The only thing clear is that I need to keep doing what I’m doing and continue building my own life and stability.

    Every man I’ve ever dated (few) and the man I married, when I met them, there was a strong undeniable pull. Sometimes, it was a bit more subtle and sometimes it was BAM.

    I don’t have control as to when this will happen… but I do know that I need to show up.

    I have Saturn moving through Sadge in my fifth house. I’m pretty serious about my faith in love.

  2. Timely, haha. I just signed up for an online dating site, the first time ever. I finally feel like I’ve dealt with the big stuff and can be open and happy in a new relationship but ok if it just turns into fun dates too. Before now I think I felt that anyone who dated me would be sucked down or drained by the things that were going on in my life related to my divorce and parenting, and how unfair (and unfun) that would be. Hoping for love but will be happy just to have a bit of a social life again.

  3. It is important to build friendships with men (as well as women of course) before you set out to date after a divorce, just so you can like men again and harbor no bitterness just because of one man.

  4. Well,mama we are doing the same dance.i am still gun shy; however I decided to call my first boyfriend.So far feels to be getting me on new page, we have both suffered divorces. He is open it is challenging for me to listen and keep biting my tongue. As I don’t want to conquer my ex just forget him. My renewed buddy is in another state and I kinda wish I could be next to him at this point for me, I am tired of talking just wanting to be next to a man want to smell his cologne hear him breathe watch tv together or bike ride or just share morning coffee with. I have been watching men some don’t interest me but some do.Pick a better one trust yourself you are a new woman.

  5. Great advice! This is really helpful because I think many women are just like you describe and it invites a lot of disappointment. I’ve wanted to be in that driver’s seat in the past and it did not lead to anything good…

    I think not being in a rush is essential. You have to get to the place where being open to it is not tinged with any kind of anxiety. That’s what I tell myself- in my case, at the moment I’m not open at all, because I’m simply not in a place where a relationship feels like a positive and not a drain.

    But I’m guessing eventually I will look around and rub my hands together, and say alright then, let’s see what’s what 🙂

  6. It was good to read this, be reminded of forces greater than me, of faith, of flow. Thank you, Elsa! And every good fortune and abundance in love to the lady who wrote you in the first place!

  7. Just want to let people out there know of the phenomenon of “bots” on dating websites.

    The sites that guarantee you will meet someone in particular. The way they oversee this guarantee is by their use of robot profiles. These robot profiles serve as a pacifier of sorts, they simply exist to provide not in person but over internet dialogue in order to fool users into thinking they have met a potential romantic interest.

    The “bot” is very convincing, they can maintain conversations at length. They came to light after an actual psychologist interacted with and was fooled for a time by one. Eventually the psychologist became suspicious when he reread the bots responses and realized what a robot cannot do. A robot will eventually slip up in conversation and reveal that a memory of actual facts does not occur. In other words, a robot is a master of B.S. but lacks the real guts and knowledge of thought and memory in regards to conversation.

    So, buyer beware out there.

  8. I so love the way you phrased things, starting with “Soften your stance, as opposed to changing your tune?” My divorce was more than twenty years, but, the advice you offer could have been such a relief then. Fortunately, I reflect upon that early time, and see that my natal aspects of Neptune did truly make room for the unexpected arrival of my present mate and husband. He literally floated through a curtain in my dreams; I followed up with a letter. We now have a twenty-one year old history.

    Then you write, “Saturn Neptune is about forces greater than you straightening things out. there is a (understandable) desire to control your experience. But in real life, real love is something that shows up in it’s own time.” I consider how this applies to (my) life now as my many Fixed aspects desire that control you speak of. “Real love” as in a partner or a desire to be loved in the work/service after divorcing myself from the decades of “career love” does come in it’s own time. Saturn Neptune is straightening things out … or encouraging my willingness to curl, or flow. It’s a miracle of timing; and softening up my stance.

    Saturn transits Sag in my 11th House where natal Jupiter resides, ‘real life/love.’ Nice piece of advice for the leap day. Thank you.

  9. Thanks Elsa! As always, your advice is on point and you make even the hard stuff seem doable. So grateful for your compassion and your words of wisdom. . . and if anyone is thinking about a consultation, do it! For yourself and for your loved ones, Elsa has an amazing gift and she gets to the heart of the problem and shores you up!!

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