Why Do People Try To Thwart Another Person’s Happiness?

Imagine this: Your long suffering girlfriend who can never seem to find a man, finds a man. She’s happy, he’s happy… by God they have managed to hook up. But then you notice the phenomena. People begin to attack this gal. They undermine, thwart, block, you name it. So why is that? Whyyyyyyyyy?

Follow ups…

My Uranus transit and the slaves newly freed
My theory around freed slave and people who begrudge their happiness

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Comments

Why Do People Try To Thwart Another Person’s Happiness? — 78 Comments

  1. HW-no. I’m surprised no one has asked that before 🙂 I do have an affinity with Kashmir. I wish I could go (obviously I can’t with the war there)…the closest I got was northern India.

    The same happens for me with my old friend. ‘I still don’t know what I did.’ The list is quite long, but I hate to relive it, mostly because I’m disappointed I didn’t stick up for myself.

  2. But Kashmiri – you broke it off. You’re not still putting up with it!

    It’s funny b/c I’m a regular here just like you and I always pictured you as this exotic Kashmir woman! 🙂 So you’re not Indian either? Pakistani? 🙂

  3. “She was the kind of person who has suffered greatly in this life, and I wanted to love her to death. I still love her…but I ‘broke up’ with her.”

    I so know what you are saying, kashmiri. I had a friend like this also. I tried to love her in my space but she was just too volatile so I made her vacate it by “breaking up” with her also.

    She had her boyfriend call and threaten to cut my SO’s head off…….okay…..that’s just too crazy to even consider. She was toxic and I was up to my eyelids in her waste. I still love her but at a healthy distance. So healthy that it requires NO contact whatsoever! We just have to amputate sometimes and that was one time I did.

  4. “I don’t know if I’ve ever mentioned it, but my partner and I have a large age gap as well”…..

    You go girl! Do you have Aries on your Descendant also? I’m quite sure that this is why I kept attracting younger partners…..it ain’t my money or good looks. 🙂

  5. HW- uh oh, did I disappoint? 😉
    When he was 37 (he’s 81 now) my Dad walked from Bombay up into Nepal, Pakistan, Afghanistan, Turkey, through Europe to Calais and then took a boat back to UK/Scotland where he’s from.
    I got a lot from him, including an affinity with the east and a burning desire to travel and get ‘lost.’
    The Kashmir connection comes from a love of their most popular art form, a type of painting onto paper boxes.

    No, I’m not still putting up with it,but we work at the same company which makes for trouble some times. I worked full-time over Xmas and the hostility she directed towards me was overt (and relentless). It’s actually exhausting deflecting other people’s hate for 2+ years. I wish I could quit but it works well when I’m in school and pays well for the sporadic times I’m there.

  6. Jamie…nope I have Gemini. My SO’s ASC is Gemini, we’re flipped almost exactly. I’ve never had an older partner before. He’s not your average person, that’s for sure. We have a lot that is synchronized (THANKS ELSA…and Neith!!).
    Fire, Pluto, and Capricorn. You know, a nice mix LOL

  7. You’re great, Kashmiri! No disappointment. Just funny the pictures we keep (by association) in our minds.

    Your dad sounds AWESOME!

  8. Ohhhh….he’s older. I don’t know why I thought he was younger? Too subjective here! So Gemini on the Descendant and he has it on the ASC! Works out perfectly. You two must have a lot to talk about. 🙂

  9. AW! You guys are sweeet! HW my dad is awesome! I just love the living shizzle out of him. It amazes me that we got to this place.
    Jamie, I’ve probably never mentioned it that he’s older.
    We do have a lot to talk about, though when Mars when into Gemini he sort of drove me crazy, lol.

  10. There have been people — neighbors and complete strangers — who have reacted to my joy and happiness with complete hatred. I finally realized that seeing others happy offends and angers them, because they are miserable with themselves. People naturally regard others as they regard themselves — this is how life is — and it is why we need to love (self-acceptance and compassion)ourselves first. Out of our healthy love and respect for ourselves comes the ability to love others. And so, seeing others happy reminds them how miserable they are in their own skin. This was a wonderful revelation to me!
    To the “Hello World” posting of Feb 17: Why do you judge this woman as being bad? Who knows what was really going on? Who knows what goes on behind closed doors? Maybe marrying the first guy was a mistake, and having an affair was the only way she could break away from her unhappy marriage. Maybe her husband wanted out too, but was too afraid to make the move. Anyway, unhappy mothers demonstrate to their children that one is meant to be unhappy in life — a destructive lesson.

  11. You guys are right, the twinge of jealousy is deep rooted and unconscious. I understand and know this wanting to undermine people’s happiness because I’ve seen people do it. I’ve also done it. It reminds me of the idea of triangulation of desire, which my mom defined yesterday as the herd mentality, when I said that I want a man who is wanted by other women. There’s an expression in Ukrainian, roughly translated, “Pretty girl, too bad she’s married,” which is supposed to mean you are more desirable to a man when you are on someone else’s arm.

    Anyway, I think the temptation to undermine people’s happiness has to do with their having achieved what you want, I think it frequently happens with other people’s relationships, successes. I wouldn’t be envious of a woman having a baby because I can’t relate to it.
    For instance, I tend to root for my friends’ happiness as they strive to achieve it. But one of my friends got a teaching fellowship that I wanted and teaching isn’t even her field of choice, it is unrelated to it. I felt a short twinge of jealousy.

    It’s like the idea that you are not supposed to date your brother/best friend’s ex like in She’s The One. Why not?

    I feel like there is the temptation to cut someone down once they’ve reached a height even if you’ve been rooting for them the whole way. I have no better explanation for it yet other than it’s human. But check out Rene Girard for his idea of the triangulation of desire.

  12. P.S. you guys, about HelloWorld, maybe an affair isn’t the best way to go about solving an unhappy marriage? If you meet someone else and it appears to be turning into an affair, couldn’t you tell your husband that you are unhappy before you start having sex with someone else on the side? having a kid and all?

  13. this is why i’m usually realllly quiet about a new relationship for a looooong time. to let it shape as it is without outside interference. if it lasts long enough it’s usually not such a big deal if someone says something absurd because i already have enough information to have come to some pretty solid conclusions myself…..

  14. I just found this blog today, but after reading, identifying, and empathizing with many of the feelings expressed here, Desiderata came to mind. Desiderata has been, is, and will always be what I strive for in my life. BTW.. Desiderata is Latin for “Things to be Desired.”

    Desiderata

    Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

    If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

    Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

    Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

    Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

    Strive to be happy.

  15. I think it’s a pretty simple reason, they loose a club member. If somebody is happy he/she won’t belong to their club of unhappy complainers anymore (maybe he/she never did, but now it’s become obvious). For a club each member counts, because my neighbor’s unhappiness kind of justifies my own. So, if the trend continued toward happiness they would end up lonely in the dark and that scares them.
    For myself and as a matter of caution, I don’t share my happiness with unhappy complainers. Happiness is also a good chance to learn who is a true friend, perhaps a better one than sorrow…

  16. In this particular case, I can only come up with jealousy – if the person who is “not happy” for her also wants to be pregnant….aside from that, I don’t know.

  17. That is so weird to see my post from last year on the same subject.

    I agree with pretty much what everyone else has said. People are often acting out that way because they are extremely unhappy themselves. Usually I think it intensifies because they can’t even face their unhappiness themselves, let alone admit it to others. I don’t know why that is. It’s like they’re wallowing in it.

    And I thought that was an interesting example about that woman who was good looking on the outside but had a bad attitude. A lot of times when I meet these people, sometimes they don’t even take care of their outsides either. Sometimes it’s like they have good raw materials but they’re not doing anything with it at all.

  18. I’ll go back and read the comments in a bit, so maybe this has already been said, but it’s easy.

    People have a dynamic going on. They relate to each other in certain ways. So once one person changes that dynamic, then other ways of relating have to come into play. The one may have spent their time secretly looking down on the other because she couldn’t get pregnant. They may have been friends with that person simply because they could feel better than them. Just like really over-weight people will lose friends when they lose the weight.

    The dynamic has changed. The thing is, people usually don’t like change, they feel threatened by it. Plus as someone mentioned, it does show what they haven’t accomplished in their own life. So it could have been a relationship that felt like partners in crime. So when one succeeds, the other is left standing there feeling sorry for themselves, and angry at the other.

  19. Competition, jealousy, wanting exclusively to be happy – happiness being equated with success – and success is a ladder and only one person can be on top, one up man ship…
    It’s actually a fairly common phenomenon and a very sad one too…
    but quite an intrinsic part of being human – Cain and Able

  20. I don’t understand this either, never have. When someone has wonderful news or they’re just happy, it’s a great energy to be around.

    I don’t get it when folks say so and so did “this” or “that”, so they don’t deserve or qualify to be happy, ever???? It’s a waste of energy to envy or sabotage others. What goes around, comes around, karma’s a bitch.

  21. God knows what’s up? Its a commandment: Neither shall you covet your neighbor’s wife. Neither shall you desire your neighbor’s house, or field, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor.

    Guess people coveted all the way back then too. Its human nature. The only remedy to this is to be genuinely happy for the other person. Duh?

  22. I think it’s also being in a happy relationship is a static position. What about the trash talk and dating specifics you enjoyed with your friends? People tend to talk easier about negative things. And relationships have that 6th house angle to them, what’s so exciting about the day to day with your partner? Also, like in the romantic comedy, the search for love is a narrative arc, and who doesn’t get into a narrative arc and identify with the main character? When catharsis happens, then what? I’m referring to Bridget Jones The Edge of Reason, of course. I think there is also the problem that your friends don’t know what to do with you. You weren’t just the Single Friend, your the friend that they would have catty conversations with and rag on people. Now where are you going to turn your conversation to?

  23. I have been dealing with this overtime! I came to the same conclusion you did ultimately. Now the question is, do I x these people out? Or am I understanding of their difficulty being happy for me. Which is more “ethical?”

  24. I own my own business, I work long hours, often short handed and/or alone… My husband works 12 hour days most days M-F with on call on most weekends. This past week was my birthday week. I put in 58+ hours. 13.5 on my actual Birthday. So on Sat, my husband took me to the city, got a room, took me to Red Lobster, then we had a late sleep in on Sun and then spent some time hunting down a Renaissance Costume for me. We had a late lunch/early dinner, then caught a movie before going home. A so called friend commented on how spoiled I am. I am like REALLY? A typical 58 hour work week, A husband who is gone every single day for at least 13 hours of the day and so tired when he comes home he falls asleep as I tell him about my day, a Birthday put to the side for 3 days…that is SPOILED. This from a girl/woman who does not have a full time job and JUST got married? Maybe she meant it jokingly, but it really set wrong with me!

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