Friday, January 15, 2016
So it's been about 3 months now that my ex and I have been attempting to reconcile.
I thought, if anything, this was unfinished business ...
But a few weekends ago, we were out to dinner with our daughter, and talking about what we are thankful for and our intentions for the new year. And he didn't say his. But when asked again, he put his hand over his mouth while our daughter was distracted and whispered "Marriage," which nearly knocked my socks off. I had to clarify like 5 times. (He joked that he'd really just said "Manicotti.")
This, coming from a man who - when our daughter was an infant and we were together - said to me "Well, it's not like I'm saying we'll be together forever, but ..." in some context I can't now remember. He's run away like 50 times. He's a Pisces sun (swam away, darted away). His father had even given him money at some point to buy me a ring and he gave it to me and we used it for a bed and to paint our apartment.
We definitely struggle. We struggle hard. He told me this weekend, maybe you should just have a family that floats. Around. Like helium balloons, and you can sort of tap them to go in another direction when they're in your way. He was referring to the fact that I can be really austere. My house is ultra-minimal (and frustrates him b/c I don't own measuring spoons, etc). It's always tidy. And I'm a pretty classic Cap who will whip out charts and check-lists at nearly every conversation. And who likes a good deal of peace and quiet and being "in control."
He's got (I think) some ADHD and can live in utter mayhem with no order and organization. He can sleep til noon. Eats total crap. Lives on sugar.
But we've decided he's got the financial/money smarts and I have the time management/life planning/health tools. So we've at least been able to defer to each other in some of those regards without our usual duking it out and power struggles. He's still dealing with his impulse to bolt every other minute, but he's been able to manage it and hang in there during some rough patches. And he's been fielding all my concerns like a champ.
Even better is the fact that since my daughter and I moved over an hour away from him - and he's unemployed - he's been looking for jobs - most of which are in NYC - even father away from us. And he's been having a really really hard time. But, out of the blue, a month or so ago, he had an interview with a company out our way - about 30 minutes from us. And tonight he just had his 3rd interview and things are moving forward. The job sounds ideal for him - and I really never thought this would happen.
Three years ago, I took my daughter to a festival at a school out here and never stopped thinking about it. Two years later, I tried to make the move, but lost my nerve and cried the whole time driving down to the festival that year. It hit me that things with my ex were really over. And then I ended up too sick to do anything anyway. This past fall, I got better enough to finally move. And we did it. My ex and I were on the verge of going to court. Everything had felt like such an enormous struggle for so long. And this year, he came to the school festival with us (where she now attends). He loved it. We stayed until the end and I just think about all the times I drove around here - despite our having been separated for years - mortified that I still wished we could make this work - end up a family, living in the country, getting our lives on track - in a way that made sense for us.
Anyway, my point of all this is to say, I'm not sure what the heck is going on. I'm still going through some really intense transits. And I keep having the feeling that either this is going to fall apart or I'm not acting from a genuine enough place (i.e., there are some really practical reasons I hope this will work - like health insurance and financial stability and my daughter's stability) and that Pluto is somehow playing with me. Or that I'm not really seeing things clearly. That something is fogging this and it's a kind of illusion.
It just really seems like the last thing I imagined coming out the other end of the past several years of intense Pluto transits. Esp. if I think of Pluto leaving me with only what's "real" - I guess I want to trust that this is real.
Anyway, what seems to work best is surrender. And opening my heart. There are days when my house is trashed, I haven't had enough sleep, my daughter is cranky, the dog (his dog who he brings over when he stays) is standing in front of me with dog hair everywhere, and I keep tripping over her, and it feels maddening. And I want to scream and hide and move to a mountain top alone. And then I remember these last few years of just how alone I've felt and I'm thankful (if still a bit irritated). 🙂
So, yeah, that's all for now. Thanks for all your help with getting me on track here and giving this a chance.
The following users say thanks to capDB for this post:strawb., Tam
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Friday, January 15, 2016
Friday, March 6, 2015
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Thursday, June 25, 2015
Pluto rules over survival, and also procreation (at a deep level, not the fun Leo/5th house way). I think doing something for practical reasons is genuine, especially for a Capricorn. And that all your dealings with this guy have an inherent "realness" built into them already due to his being your daughter's father. That is biological reality that created a human life. But yeah, getting along and compromising are the tricky parts...and it's not for everyone, either! This sounds like quite a noble attempt on your part and it seems to be on a good track. 🙂
The following users say thanks to cosmicbeast for this post:capDB, allie120
Friday, January 15, 2016
CosmicBeast - I really appreciate you saying that. I really appreciate, too, that I can come here and be deep-down honest and... it's OKAY!
Like I somehow feel ashamed that I would get back together with my ex for practical purposes - that my daughter needs a mother and right now between work and doing everything by myself, I'm an empty-shell of a mom most of the time. And that if he comes along and can help, then I get to give more to myself and then more to her. Which sounds like something I'm supposed to keep a secret - like I'm supposed to be nailing it as a single mom - the energizer bunny!
Or that maybe it means I can go complete my training as a therapist and start a new career. Or actually rest at night for an hour before bed rather than run myself into the ground finishing up dishes, the household chores, work, etc.
And maybe there can be someone in the house with me so that I don't wake up all night long thinking there's an intruder and looking at my bedroom door or listening for noises downstairs.
And, yeah, the compromise - that's an interesting topic. It's not something we are generally taught to do. At least, I wasn't. And it's reinforced so much in our culture not to "settle for less" - I recently heard someone talk about "good enough" - which is like completely unheard of. I am definitely guilty of this. Where I have this ideal person in my head and there is so much intimacy and communication and compatability and depth - and no ADHD or whatever it is, and a dog that I don't really want who sheds too much, and over-eating sugar, and unemployment. 🙂
But noble. Yeah, that's not a word I've entertained. I definitely feel like muck - like I'm wading through muck just looking for the next little passageway. But I can definitely see how I put a lot of thought and care and concern into this. I do appreciate that.... and I'll take it.
And really appreciate this perspective. I like it! Thank you!
The following users say thanks to capDB for this post:cosmicbeast, Tam, allie120, Poppy
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