Why Do We Hurt The Ones We Love?

love valentineI was talking to a regular client, he’s a young man in his early 20’s. We have an excellent rapport and we’re uncommonly candid with each other.

He ended the week badly and wound up taking it out on his girlfriend. He thought she should have been willing to take some crap for him, considering what he’d been through.

I agreed to an extent. She agreed as well. In reality, this girl was kind and considerate. She listened to him, she sided with him, and she was patient. She went above and beyond to do everything a partner could possibly do to be sensitive and supportive. Eventually, she lost her temper.

“First you have to apologize,” I said.

“Don’t you think she should..,” he said.

“She did all that…”

We went back and forth for awhile; finally I confronted him. “Look. You could have treated her differently. You had a choice. You could have been a lot nicer. If you were visiting your parents, instead of her, you’d not have put them through this.”

“No, you’re right,” he said. He’s a Sagittarius. He knows the truth when he hears it and he’ll cop.

“You’d have not have acted like an ass with your brother either, so you do have a choice. You made a choice to torment her and know you’re wrong. She did everything she could and you put her through this…because you know you can get away with it. Do you know what I call that? That’s entitled.”

“I’m spoiled.”

“Yeah, that’ll work. So call her up right away and apologize. And don’t talk to her about how she should put up with you. She DID put up with you. You’ve already had that conversation so don’t go over it again, boring everyone. Just tell her, she was good to you and you were bad to her and you’re sorry…”

Why do we hurt the ones we love?

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Why Do We Hurt The Ones We Love? — 16 Comments

  1. I have hurt people I loved when I didn’t speak up about things they were doing that bothered me at the time they happened. Once my resentment and rage built up, I wound up blasting them over much harder than neccessary over something trivial. Mars in Pisces can be a very problematic placement for expressing anger appropriately and in the moment. Mercury squaring Mars doesn’t help.

    • My husband and two of my kids have Mars in Pisces. Husband has Jupiter opposite; my son has Pluto square, and my daughter has a t square: Mars/Jupiter/Pluto.

      My Mercury feeds into all of this. Oy!

      Since I’m the Mercury person, and I’ve always believed in getting problems out in the open right away, communicating with these people has been quite a challenge over the years. Giving the silent treatment and keeping issues bottled up (to me) is frustrating and hurtful.

  2. I have also come to realize some people hurt the ones they love simply because they enjoy it and because of jealousy. It’s the only source of temporary escape they have from the misery of being themselves.

  3. We hurt the ones we love because they’re handy.

    And because we know a stranger would never put up with our crap. Familiarity breeds contempt, as the saying goes.

  4. It’s because we are trained from a young age that if we can get away with something, it is okay. And so we do what we can get away with. And the people who let us get away with things are those who are most vulnerable. Often, it is emotional dependence that makes us vulnerable. (But also age, social stigma, infirmity or disability, etc.)

    People get really really mad when you point out that what passes for respect for some people would not pass for others.

  5. Yes, this is true, it’s easy to hurt the ones we love, it’s convenient, so called ‘easy targets’, its sheer cowardice, malice and downright shameful. Such a waste of love and good intentions, as well as opportunities to improve relations between all. This kind of behaviour really needs to end, right now. Great that it’s been brought up for airing! Thanks Elsa.

  6. I think it’s (just) because they’re there, at arm’s length!
    You wouldn’t go out of your way to dump negative feelings on someone you don’t know, living across town.
    Blue-rose said it perfectly : “And because we know a stranger would never put up with our crap. Familiarity breeds contempt, as the saying goes.”

  7. This is the one thing I will not tolerate in a relationship- I will not be the dog you kick because you’re frustrated, when you would never lack self-control with other people (boss, neighbor, friends). I don’t do this to others and never have. It has never made sense to me that someone who is not responsible for your suffering should have to pay for it. No way.

    • As I said in the other post, this is a classic Mars in Pisces response. It’s diffused and misdirected energy, usually pointed at the wrong people! It’s not easy living with that when I have Mars in Leo.

    • @kumquat, i agree. i cant stand that in a man. I have seen it with other couples, and it’s just gross to me. as i grew up and learned by seeing/observing others, i understand that they do it cause they couldnt ‘confront” their true issues, and therefore take it out on the loved ones. Because loved ones are supposed to understand and care. Because they probably believe/think that they are not going anywhere, so they are just a soundboard for all the putridness. that’s not right. this will continue and continue until it’s a pattern.

  8. I wrote this because we all do this. And when it’s laid out like this…well no one wants to be this kind of person. So it’s worth thinking about.

    You really are taking a person for granted when you do this. And it’s not smart! 🙂

  9. Sometimes fate lays a particularly heavy hand on certain individuals with regard to family. My abusive mother had her Saturn partile conjunct my Mid-Heaven. My baby sister who I took care of after our mom died when I was a teenager grew up to bite the hand that fed her – her Saturn was partile conjunct my Ascendant. My sister’s Moon is also partile conjunct Bellatrix, a fixed star denoting the female warrior (in a less formal context, I simply call it the “bitch star”). Knowledge of astrology makes me less likely to blame myself. It also made me realize that I had no choice regarding synastry (one does not control vicious jokes from the universe), but I do have a choice whether or not these people remain in my life.

  10. I have neptune on the cusp of my 8th.

    When someone I love or even just someone I see as a friend or ally abuses me – I feel hurt. And in that moment I feel that little bit less trusting of them and want to put distance between us. I stop wanting to share myself and my inner thoughts with them.

    So I never knowingly hurt or abuse other people because I know that deepdown it will come back on me. But unlike the Sag in the story, if something does blow up or there is a dispute needing to be resolved, I’m the first to offer an apology or open the hand of friendship

    (And that’s what I think this whole thing is about the 8th house and balance of power in relationships)

  11. I’ve been working on this for years. I can say that I’ve gotten a lot better. I don’t mind absorbing a little bit of that energy from others though. I do have a limit though and I will bite back if I feel like it’s alleviating any of that pressure in them.

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