Now regarding Capricorn and concern over public image, if not for this training with Ben… and others, but especially Ben who is so incredibly keen, I would never be able to write this blog. Because I put this stuff out here every day with no way to control how it may be interpreted… or misinterpreted. I mean, obviously people react to me and some of them react very badly! If you wonder about this, you ought to get a load of my hate mail. For example, someone called me a “choat face” yesterday. And I think that may be misspelled, but according to a friend of mine, it refers to a specific region of a man’s crotch!

So anyway, I read this vitriolic stuff and have no idea where it came from. I wonder how people can read what they read when it’s completely remote from what I wrote! So you can see the problem this would cause a person like me. Capricorn that is. I am moved to want to control what people think of me! Which is impossible. This is an especially fruitless pursuit for me because I have Neptune on the midheaven.

The midheaven or the top of the chart, shows how a person is viewed by the public and Neptune obscures things. It’s freakishly tricky and fogs everything up so people observing me see God knows what. And if you’re going to be standing in the fog like that, it’s makes you a very easy target to project upon. And project they do.

And if you’re me, at times it’s just crushing. Ouch! Other times I could care less! Which is Neptune of course. The tide is in. Or out! I care. Or I don’t. You see me. Or you don’t! But here’s the point:

I think that writing this stuff is my destiny. And if I were not willing or able to maintain myself in my un-comfort zone, my life would be a complete loss.

So what about you? Have you ever forced yourself to tolerate something that is nearly intolerable and reaped the rewards of that? Tell us.

Well I have to say I messed up that self-worth poll. There should have been an option, “All of the above”. And I also think the results are bogus. Only 4% copped to using passive-aggressive techniques in order to alleviate their un-comfort when I think this is by far the most common defense. Sorry, but I see this every day which makes it is common as sunshine!

So what about you? Do you think the poll results reflect reality?

When Ben told me he was uncomfortable due my lack of homophobia… and further that he had been for 10 years, he pushed me into my own un-comfort zone. Because I have Capricorn. And Capricorn likes to control things, particularly how they are viewed by the public.

So if you understand this kind of sensitivity, maybe you can see how disconcerting it was for me to find out a friend had been utterly bothered by something I would never have considered bothersome. I mean, who would think that being un-homophobic would cause their gay friend grief?

And what came across from my perspective was the fact that for 10 years he was thinking all these things he is thinking and whatever they may be, they are completely out of my control. Get it? I can’t control your comfort level with me! Duh!

But it was unnerving for me to discover this. I had an impulse to ask him what else was bothering him. You know. Grill him! Dig it out and then maybe I could spin it, or defend myself! But that would have been stupid of course. I was not being attacked.

So I had to become comfortable with the fact I made him uncomfortable without reacting or trying to change my behavior. I also had to become comfortable understanding that when we would connect, there would be no telling how he was feeling or what he was thinking considering he concealed this thing for 10 years! Which is a challenge for Capricorn.

Because what if he’s thinking, “This gal sucks. I am sick of her.”

And that may sound incredible to some, but this is a very normal frightened Capricorn thing to think! Capricorn is plagued with fears of this type. So you can see where the growth occurs. I’ve got to keep showing up with these potential warts I cannot hide since I have no idea where they are! Comfortable? I don’t think so! ::smirks::

But a dozen years have passed since then. Ben and I have been friends for going on 25 years even though I make him uncomfortable and he disturbs me! And it is one of the most profound and profoundly productive relationships I’ve ever been part of. So that’s the pay off. But what about you?

If you have these type fears, how do you deal with them?

And do you have planets in Capricorn?

What Made Ben Uncomfortable…

We’re on the phone here, circa 1992.

“For example, you are the least homophobic person I have ever met in my life,” he said.

“What? Yeah. I don’t think I am very homophobic at all,” I said.

“You’re not. It’s uncanny. It’s something I have marveled at for a long time. You don’t seem to have even a shred of homophobia and I’ve never been able to figure it out. Because everyone is homophobic. All people are homophobic. But I never see that with you. I have never seen you care one way or the other and that makes you the least homophobic person I know. And I am including every gay person I know when I say that. And you know how many gay people I know. A lot!”

“Yeah. You know all kinds of gay people…” I trailed off because I was stunned. I didn’t know what to make of what he was saying. I just had no idea what he was saying. “So you think that? I am the least homophobic person…? How strange. I don’t know what to say about that. I have never thought of this at all.”

“I know. And it’s very odd. I don’t understand it. You know I am pretty comfortable with my sexuality, but not as comfortable as you.”

“What?” I didn’t understand what he meant. Ben has been out of the closet since he was pre-teen. He is a total gay man, every cell in his body. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“No, I’m not kidding you. I’m homophobic myself. Gay people are homophobic. Didn’t you know that?”

“No.”

“Well they are. Some of them are incredibly homophobic. Many of them hate themselves, myself included, at times.”

“No. Seriously? I mean I can understand that, but you..?”

“Yes! There are times I am repulsed.”

“Okay. Okay, then. Well I think that’s horrible. I can’t believe you feel like that. Why do you feel like that? Why?”

“Well I do feel that way at times. And so do a lot of other gay people. Most of them. All of them at one time or the other. But here you are and you have no problem at all with homosexuality. And this has put me into my un-comfort zone many times.”

“What do you mean?” It seemed to me, if I were comfortable with his gayness, he would be comfortable too.

“Because I have to ask myself why I can’t be as comfortable with my sexuality as you are.”

“Oh…”

“And that is a very hard question to answer. I don’t have an answer for that and I have been looking for the answer for… years now. How long have I known you? Ten years?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I have been uncomfortable the whole time. I have to ask myself. Why do I care if I’m gay if she doesn’t care if I’m gay? And you know I am comfortable being gay. I love being gay. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But I am still not where you are,” he said.

“Well I can’t believe this. I would never guess in a million years that I was causing you a problem with my lack of homophobia,” I said with a chuckle. “But I can see…”

“So anyway, Elsa, that’s how you do it,” he said in a clipped voice. “That’s how you make people uncomfortable. You do it by doing absolutely nothing. And now I don’t want to talk about this anymore, because it makes me uncomfortable.”

I laughed.

“Because I am an evolved man. You know that I am. And I take great pride in that. And I should at least be as evolved as you are with my own sexuality. However, I am not,” he said with an air of finality.

I searched for something to say. “I wish there were something I could do.”.

“You’re doing all you can, just by being yourself. It’s up to me to get comfortable with the things that make me uncomfortable. I just don’t like it that you could be more comfortable with who I am, than I am. But don’t worry about it. I like being pushed. I am a person who likes to be challenged and I don’t want you to worry about this. This is one of the reasons I like you. Very few people challenge me. But you do and you do it consistently and the last thing I want you to do is to stop. But don’t ask me what other things make me uncomfortable because as you can tell I don’t like talking about this.”

“Okay,” I said, entering my own un-comfort zone. “Well Jesus. Ben. I hope you get over your homophobia, man. That sucks.” I chuckled nervously.

“Me too. I know it’s stupid. But enough of that! Let’s not talk about this anymore. You wanted to know how you do this, so there’s an example for you to chew on. Now let’s change the subject. What else do you want to talk about? Speaking of chewing, are you dating anyone? Do you have any meat on your hook? What have you caught with that hook of yours recently? Anything? Tell Benjamin what you’ve got on your hook…”

::smiles::

So what about you? Can you think of a person who puts you in your un-comfort zone just by their sheer existence? How do you handle it?