Dear Girlfriend,

I don’t know if your boyfriend has a problem or not. I do think it’s possible a person could be curious… about anything. I think a person who has been molested may even be especially curious, and their curiosity just may get the best of them.

By that, I mean they may momentarily lose sight of the fact anything they look at or download exists because a child was exploited and while they’re at it: they may also ignore the fact that child porn is ILLEGAL.

So is it possible your boyfriend just wanted to see what was out there? It is. But does that mean you should not be questioning your relationship? No. I think you should be questioning your relationship. Because look…

You’re twenty years old! Do you really want to be “monitoring” this man’s porn consumption like this? I wonder because when I was 20 years old I was having all kinds of fun. I was having great times and look at you. Are you having fun? It sure doesn’t sound like it.

So these are the type questions you should be asking. Am I happy? Because I don’t think the other questions you have are answerable. Your boyfriend is obviously in the process of some kind of discovery. He may be exploring what happened to him, or he may be discovering he is pedophile himself. And for the record, that he told you he was not stimulated by what he saw means nothing as he is known to be a liar and how many people are going to admit something like that anyway?

So here’s the thing: I don’t think you are happy. It sounds as if your boyfriend’s porn usage drains and weighs on you and you’ve got ask yourself if the grass might not be greener… much greener, somewhere else.

So I would think about that, but also search your feelings around how you feel about the exploitation of children, seeing as you are an exploited child yourself. Because although he deleted the pictures… what will you do if you catch him again? Will you notify the police?

The parents of the kids in those pictures would probably appreciate that very much. And if it is the parents themselves taking the pictures? Well those parents belong in jail.

And how do you feel about turning a blind eye to this… to what you are already aware of? Because I imagine that one of the reasons this has come up in your life is to allow you to ask and then answer these questions for yourself.

And the astrology? You’re a Cancer and you are mothering this guy. You’re trying to control and keep him in line and I don’t know what to say besides it sounds like a bore. 20 years old? I say go get yourself a man who shows you a good time. The man you have now is more like job or a charge of yours. Ugh.

And one more thing. Your snooping? It sucks. I say change your life.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Scorpio,

I don’t think you could be asking a better question. No, I don’t think you are a lesbian! I also do not think you are not a lesbian. I think what you are is super, super, SUPER sexual and there are no lines. Here’s the astrology:

You are a double Scorpio. Your Sun and Ascendant are in Scorpio, but you also have Venus, Mercury and Pluto in Scorpio and all of it in the 12th house! You also have an 8th house Moon (more Scorpio) but never mind that!

Anyone with this much Scorpio is going to be enormously interested in sex, period! To someone like you, everyone and everything is potentially sexy. Anything that stands upright is a phallic symbol, yes? You are going to see and feel sex everywhere you look because this is your nature. Sex and I mean, any and all sex is instinctual to you. It is inherent to you, as is an interest in anything that is taboo and forbidden.

And when you consider the 12th house, this is where the dreams and fantasies come in. So I am here to tell you: no, you are not a lesbian. I can’t imagine you would ever narrow yourself like that, can you? So don’t worry about it. What you are doing is living and the things you are exploring are completely normal for someone like you. And you don’t know where this is leading.

For example, you are 20 years old. You may wind up a renowned sex therapist! We don’t know. And if that is the case, then this experience is part of your research. So please just carry on. You are doing nothing wrong and although you may be afraid I’m sure you are on the right path. We are what we are and this includes you!

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Aries,

I agree you are not the only woman on the planet who feels this way about porn. I agree most men don’t comprehend the effect their porn consumption has on the women in their life and I also agree that eventually you will lose respect for him. And yes the love will be next because it’s very hard to love someone you don’t respect. Pity them, yes. But love? That’s a much harder ticket.

But as much as I agree with you, I am still baffled by your post. Because you call this guy a wonder man. He’s a wonder man who watches porn all day, and who you don’t want to sleep with?

Now I am sorry but he does not sound like a Wonder Man to me. He sounds more like a problem who lives in your house. And as for not making yourself clear around how you feel about porn, I am sure this was not the case. I am sure you made it abundantly clear, which is why he hid it better. And the fact you found it (twice) says something too, don’t you think? But here’s the bottom line:

I don’t care what the issue is. I don’t care if it’s porn or farting or not putting the cap on the toothpaste. If something about your partner is bothering you, all you can do is communicate it and see what happens. And in this case you’ve done that. And he responded by telling you he was going to respect your wishes, and then proceeding to do exactly otherwise. And when this happens it puts the ball back in your court. Should you ask again? Threaten to leave if he does not comply? Watch the porn with him? Get a new man?

No one can decide this but you. But I don’t mind telling you what I would do. I would toss the guy on the simple fact he’s in my bed and I don’t want to have sex with him. Because guess what that means? It means he’s taking up the space that could be occupied by a man I do want to have sex with!

See, people do what they want to do! Always. So what your relationship might be like if only your partner would do x,y,z is completely irrelevant if he is not going to do it. What is relevant is whether or not you like what you have. And it doesn’t sound like you’re happy in with this situation at all. As a matter of fact it sounds like you are already in the process of grieving. I’m sorry.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Virgo,

You’re happy and I think you should try to stay that way. It sounds as if your husband has problems that are profound and pervasive and I don’t think there is anything you can do to help him with them, except maybe stay away.

I think it’s great your husband says he wants to work on his issues… but talk and do are two different things. If he wants you back, let him make a significant investment in his recovery. Not just his addiction and his anger, but what’s up with these mood swings, hmm?

It’s fairly apparent that your husband has multiple problems that are deeply rooted… perhaps they are organic, and your being in the picture only serves to confuse and complicate it. So I would recommend you stay on the path you’re on. You’re happy, right!! Stay that way. This is best for you, best for your baby and ultimately it is best for him.

And if he goes six months or a year without his porn, his blaming, his anger, his whatever… then maybe you can think about re-attaching. But to be honest, I really doubt you’ll want to. Because father of your child or not, what’s this guy got to offer anyway? Not much. I think you’ll have a much better life without him and in fact this is already happening.

Good luck,
Elsa

~~
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Dear Sexless,

Things clarify when you stop focusing on what someone else is doing and consider your own experience and actions. And you asked for my opinion and if I were you I would be getting a divorce right now. However, I am not you. But I’ll tell you how I would arrive at this decision, and hopefully this will help you think your own thoughts and arrive at your own decision.

Whether you are talking about a lover or a friend, it makes no difference. When someone close to you is doing something that bothers you, all you can do is tell them how you feel and ask them to stop. And they either will, or they won’t. And you can ask them again… and again, and again and again. And you can do all kinds of hijinks, but I have always thought this was pretty stupid.

I asked once, I asked twice. The person did not respond and I am not going to turn myself into some harping hag-person over some other person’s behavior. I am not going to spend my time trying and pleading to get someone to do something. Instead I am going to keep it very simple by asking myself if whatever the person is doing is a deal-breaker for me, or not.

So in this case, your husband has made it clear that he is going to beat off all over the place to whatever he can find. So how do you feel about that? How much does it bother you? How much do you miss having sex?

I consider sex as important as food. I have simply got to have this kind of exchange to feel whole and healthy, so if I found myself committed to a man who was jacking off in front of a computer all day… and I asked him to do something with my body and instead he picked up the phone to have sex with I have no idea who? Well I would be leaving the relationship within about one minute!

But someone else may feel differently. I am well aware a lot of men use porn, and a lot of women use toys! You know. He’s got his porn, and she’d got her Rabbit. And this is somewhat amusing to me and it seems fine provided both parties are happy. And there are some women who aren’t all that interested in sex in the first place, so glad their husband is occupied. But I want to have real sex with a real man, real often! I want a real exchange, real intimacy, etc. so given the circumstances you describe, if your husband were mine, he’d sit down in front of the computer and by the time he turned around and got up, I’d be gone without so much as a backwards glance.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Double.

Your Sun and Moon are in the 7th house of your chart which gives very strong co-dependent tendencies, basically because you simply do not want to be alone. And this desire to be partnered can be so strong that any relationship, even one that is absolutely horrible like this one, is better than nothing. And if you can understand this, you can begin to untangle your confusion.

See, you are concerned about him and how the two of you relate. You think of the balance and the give and take.

He on the other hand, doesn’t think of you at all. It sounds like he uses your body now and then (gee, thanks) but outside of that it’s pretty obvious not just from the porn but the entire history of your relationship that this is a very self-centered man. So self-centered that your needs don’t even enter his picture. And I have just the words for you.

Recently I read astrologer Michael Lutin’s book, “SunShines: The Astrology of Being Happy”, and my favorite sentence in the entire book was this: “A relationship… a real relationship, takes two people. Not one person and one vegetable…”

::smiles::

I am sorry, but your man is a vegetable. And it seems he has no desire whatsoever to do anything about that, so I think you ought to leave him on the next train. And check this:

Forget his porn. Who cares what he does? What about your own need to be sexually satisfied, hmm? This guy ain’t cuttin’ it!

So I say, get out there and find a man who can… and will. But just watch yourself, okay? Make sure the next man you hook up with has an authentic desire to relate to another human being because if not, you’re going to wind up right where you are now, ‘cept you’ll be another year older.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Girlfriend,

I am pretty sure your boyfriend is not going to give up porn. I am also pretty sure he has been looking at porn all along… and you are just becoming aware of this because you live together now and you find out these sorts of things. So what to do?

Well, it sounds to me as if you and your boyfriend are not very sexually compatible. And this may be something you could work on if the rest of the relationship was terrific, but it doesn’t sound like it is. In fact, you sound bored out of your mind. You sound as if you’ve lost interest in him and it might be best for both of you if you consider moving on.

As for what to look for… well you are 20 years old and you have a bunch of Sagittarius in your chart. This life is an adventure. And I think you would be much happier seeing what’s up ahead, rather than staying where you are and being the porn police for this man. What do you think?

Also if you get out now, you can probably stay friends with this guy, which is another Sagittarian thing. And considering your diminished interest in having sex with him, this does seem to be the way the relationship is flowing. Friends not lovers, that is. Make the switch and his porn will no longer be your problem.

Good luck.

~~
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People continue to show up and weigh in on porn addiction.

Astrologer, Kathryn Cassidy of Collaboratingwithfate (great name for an astrology blog) offers insight into horoscope writer Patric Walker’s method

And reader ginnydare sounds off, calling the guy who sides with his family over his wife, “Casper Milktoast“…

Dear Sinking,

The issues here are yours and I don’t say that to attack you. It is you writing me for advice, so it is you I am going to try to assist and empower, first with the addiction question.

I am sorry to tell you, but I agree with your partner. He is an addicted person and you are an addicted person. You are addicted to cigarettes but I would venture to guess you are addicted to him as well. Just think about it, okay? Don’t you crave him? I think you do.

And my point is this: You are a mess. He is a mess. I am a mess and so is everyone else on this planet! And if you’re going to love someone you are going to have to deal with them as they are. With their messes, this is. And it seems you are willing and wanting to do this. You are not saying “get rid of the porn!” If would be fine with me if you did, but you are asking for ways to cope, and grow and transcend, so I am going to try to help you with that.

First, around getting upset over his masturbation, you can change your perspective. Because the fact is, it is his dick. And what he does with his dick is his business.

If this confuses you, just consider your lungs. Whose lungs are they? They’re your lungs. Do you need me telling you what to do with your lungs? Of course not. And he does not need your advice about his dick, either. So just see if you can detach from this. You like to smoke and he likes to beat off. Do you still love him? I bet you do. So just go with that. You love a guy who likes to beat off. He loves a guy who smokes… and none of this makes the sky fall.

Next question: How to change the way you feel about porn…

Well, judging from your chart, with Pluto and Uranus square your Moon and Mercury, I think you may be secretly very interested in all this taboo but repressing it. And this is probably one of the reasons you are so enamored with this man. He experiments! He goes where he is not supposed to go!! And I am suggesting in trying to control him you are actually trying to control yourself.

Try to think along these lines… if you can. And you can. But you’ve got to be willing to innovate here. And to grow. Because it sounds to me like someone tried to control your dick at one time and you are now inflicting this same trauma on your partner.

Is there a way you love each other and both be free? I’d say yes.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Fiance,

You can block and restrict and whatever else you may think of, and none of it is going to do any good. For one thing, in spite of your Sun Venus in Cancer, you are not this guy’s mother. And even if you were, it still wouldn’t work! And it may help you understand if you take the ‘porn” out of the equation and just think in terms of “addiction” because they all work the same. So lets do that.

Does hiding the bottle from the alcoholic stop them from drinking? It doesn’t. Does hiding the donuts help the overeater? No. Does screaming at someone, “Quit smoking those fucking cigarettes,” do any good? It does not. It doesn’t work when the addict is 16. And you’re 40. So I assume your man is of similar age and what he has is a problem.

He has a problem that you cannot affect in any way at all. Figuring this out… coming to understand this and accept this is your problem. Beyond that, deciding what you want to do is your problem. Do you want to marry a man who is addicted to porn? Personally, I think you should postpone that decision and go educate yourself and I have some leads.

Specific to porn, there is a book out there, “Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families” which is a comprehensive unbiased look at this subject. The whole book is excellent, and includes very good information specific to porn addiction.

Now once you read that book you’re going to know exactly what you’re dealing with and if you still want to deal, then you are going to have to learn about boundaries and co-dependency. Check the Al-Anon model. “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it and I can’t control it…” Because this is the reality.

Now it’s possible your man may decide to get help, or to help himself but you know addicts….

Or maybe you don’t but I do. So I’ll tell you. Some of them get sober but many never do. Most never do. And the ones who do manage do so with tremendous struggle and in their own time. And their own time could be years. Or decades!

For example your man may lose you and three more like you before he decides to confront his addiction. Or he may decide relationship is too much trouble just on principle and opt to just stick with his porn for the rest of his life. After all he’s forty-ish, yes? Old habits die hard.

I am sorry I don’t have better news. However I am confident thse ideas will get you moving on this issue… in whichever direction you decide is best.

Good luck.

~~
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