Catch up here – How To Solve All Problems (And How To Never Solve Them) Part 1

Hi Elsa,

I think I’m truly screwed up. On the surface, I seem like an intelligent, fun-loving, nice person… but on the inside, I am suspicious, moody and pessimistic. My self-esteem is non-existent, and I’m getting to the point where I’ve seen so many failures in my life, I don’t want to try anymore – for fear of failing again.

One example is my love life which is a misnomer, because my love life is dead. I don’t trust men… and I kind of share a love/hate relationship with all of them. See, my father died when I was 6 – but not before molesting me. Then my stepfather molested me when I was 12 and then my uncle when I was 14. Since then, of the few relationships I’ve had, I’ve seen that guys only want sex and no strings attached… which I find very hurtful and offensive. I know it’s a “guy thing” and maybe even a girl thing nowadays, but I’ve yet to know a guy that is actually nice.

Every relationship I’ve been in has left me broken-hearted, cheated on, broke (one guy stole my money) and now I’m to the point that I’ve seen the pattern of assholes and I don’t give guys a chance… period. Every time a guy talks to me, I think he wants something from me, and I am so tired of being hurt and taken advantage of. My friends say I’m a prude and a nun, but I’m just protecting myself.

I want so badly to be loved and wanted, but for something a little bit more than sex. Is there something in my chart that reflects these bad relationships or am I doing something subconsciously? Thanks for any help.

Screwed Up
United States

Dear Elsa,

I hail from a family of incestuous behavior and violent abuse. My brother and I got to be the “guinea pigs” so to speak. My sisters (for some odd reason) were spared the violent attacks but not the sexual abuse. No, I cannot say for sure that my brother was also perpetrated but he was into a lot of things that 9-10 year old boys don’t know about.

Anyway, all of us have not spoken to each other for nearly 20 years until November of 2005. My sisters wanted to reunite because they realized that our parents were “sick”. I was all for a reunion and welcomed them into my home.

During the many months of healing old wounds, my sister met a guy and they “fell in love”. They loved each other so much that they decided that they should marry and they did… 3 months later. My sister was kind of broke before she met her man and had to sell her home to pay off the mortgage. She made a good profit and bought another home with a smaller mortgage and embarked on a second career of flipping homes. Now, this man of hers works for the government and has a pretty good job… seemed he had it together… or not.

He just did not know how to save any of his hard earned bucks and so was lacking financial stability at the ripe old age of 40ish. My sister is a pretty frugal gal, except when distracted by large shiny objects and a mirror. So she bought herself the best wedding and honeymoon a credit card could buy. And that is all good and stuff except for one tiny little detail: she needed to borrow money from me.

Now everyone knows that I am broke as a joke. I stay at home to take care of my family, so my hubby is the “bread winner”. He has a little savings from the sale of some property in Europe so I am under the distinct impression that this is HIS money and not mine.

I asked my husband if he was feeling generous and he said not just no but “hell” no. I broke the bad news to my sister and she was upset (that self-portrait she had commissioned was still on “layaway”) and said that her man would share all that he had with her and she with him. Only trouble is her man doesn’t have a “pot to piss in”.

I told her how very sorry I was for not being in the position to loan her the money but that this was property he owned long before we were married so it was not my place to even ask him for the loan. My sister said her man would share whatever he had with her.

Well, ever since that day she has been rude and very distant in her tone with me. Because of a lot of things going on with my son, I was not able to make her wedding and this even made her more upset. My question is this. Does she have a right to be hurt or am I missing some red flag here?

Concerned and Confused