What Made Ben Uncomfortable…

We’re on the phone here, circa 1992.

“For example, you are the least homophobic person I have ever met in my life,” he said.

“What? Yeah. I don’t think I am very homophobic at all,” I said.

“You’re not. It’s uncanny. It’s something I have marveled at for a long time. You don’t seem to have even a shred of homophobia and I’ve never been able to figure it out. Because everyone is homophobic. All people are homophobic. But I never see that with you. I have never seen you care one way or the other and that makes you the least homophobic person I know. And I am including every gay person I know when I say that. And you know how many gay people I know. A lot!”

“Yeah. You know all kinds of gay people…” I trailed off because I was stunned. I didn’t know what to make of what he was saying. I just had no idea what he was saying. “So you think that? I am the least homophobic person…? How strange. I don’t know what to say about that. I have never thought of this at all.”

“I know. And it’s very odd. I don’t understand it. You know I am pretty comfortable with my sexuality, but not as comfortable as you.”

“What?” I didn’t understand what he meant. Ben has been out of the closet since he was pre-teen. He is a total gay man, every cell in his body. “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

“No, I’m not kidding you. I’m homophobic myself. Gay people are homophobic. Didn’t you know that?”

“No.”

“Well they are. Some of them are incredibly homophobic. Many of them hate themselves, myself included, at times.”

“No. Seriously? I mean I can understand that, but you..?”

“Yes! There are times I am repulsed.”

“Okay. Okay, then. Well I think that’s horrible. I can’t believe you feel like that. Why do you feel like that? Why?”

“Well I do feel that way at times. And so do a lot of other gay people. Most of them. All of them at one time or the other. But here you are and you have no problem at all with homosexuality. And this has put me into my un-comfort zone many times.”

“What do you mean?” It seemed to me, if I were comfortable with his gayness, he would be comfortable too.

“Because I have to ask myself why I can’t be as comfortable with my sexuality as you are.”

“Oh…”

“And that is a very hard question to answer. I don’t have an answer for that and I have been looking for the answer for… years now. How long have I known you? Ten years?”

“Yeah.”

“Well I have been uncomfortable the whole time. I have to ask myself. Why do I care if I’m gay if she doesn’t care if I’m gay? And you know I am comfortable being gay. I love being gay. I wouldn’t have it any other way. But I am still not where you are,” he said.

“Well I can’t believe this. I would never guess in a million years that I was causing you a problem with my lack of homophobia,” I said with a chuckle. “But I can see…”

“So anyway, Elsa, that’s how you do it,” he said in a clipped voice. “That’s how you make people uncomfortable. You do it by doing absolutely nothing. And now I don’t want to talk about this anymore, because it makes me uncomfortable.”

I laughed.

“Because I am an evolved man. You know that I am. And I take great pride in that. And I should at least be as evolved as you are with my own sexuality. However, I am not,” he said with an air of finality.

I searched for something to say. “I wish there were something I could do.”.

“You’re doing all you can, just by being yourself. It’s up to me to get comfortable with the things that make me uncomfortable. I just don’t like it that you could be more comfortable with who I am, than I am. But don’t worry about it. I like being pushed. I am a person who likes to be challenged and I don’t want you to worry about this. This is one of the reasons I like you. Very few people challenge me. But you do and you do it consistently and the last thing I want you to do is to stop. But don’t ask me what other things make me uncomfortable because as you can tell I don’t like talking about this.”

“Okay,” I said, entering my own un-comfort zone. “Well Jesus. Ben. I hope you get over your homophobia, man. That sucks.” I chuckled nervously.

“Me too. I know it’s stupid. But enough of that! Let’s not talk about this anymore. You wanted to know how you do this, so there’s an example for you to chew on. Now let’s change the subject. What else do you want to talk about? Speaking of chewing, are you dating anyone? Do you have any meat on your hook? What have you caught with that hook of yours recently? Anything? Tell Benjamin what you’ve got on your hook…”

::smiles::

So what about you? Can you think of a person who puts you in your un-comfort zone just by their sheer existence? How do you handle it?