Dear Woman,

Your man is doing all the classic alcoholic/abuser things and if you go back to him in any capacity, you will be doing all the classic co-dependent/abuse victim things. So is this what you want? I don’t think so. But you need support. Because what you are trying to do is very challenging. And I’ll get to that, but first let me answer your questions…

Yes, it is possible someone can recover from this level of pathology – but I would imagine it might take five years (give or take) of diligent effort consistently applied and the odds this guy is going to do that are virtually ZERO.

And you can loop around with him as long as you like. I am sure he will go ’round with you as many times as you will allow but personally, he sounds ultra-dangerous to me and I would urge you not just to stay away from him, but to take any means possible to secure your safety.

Because he’s choking you, okay? And he’s probably in blackout when he does it. Who knows! He’s in an altered state. He is out of control. And your showing up at a session with a therapist is going to do nothing but waste your time. Don’t you have enough problems? I think you do.

We’re talking about a 45 year old man, here. You don’t think he can figure it out? You think it’s your job to figure it out for him? I disagree.

Look. Get yourself hooked up with Al-Anon. Get yourself hooked up with support for battered women. Get yourself this excellent book with a very stupid and misleading title, "Getting Them Sober"because it is the best book in the entire world for a woman like you (read the reviews).

If you have trouble finding Al-Anon in Costa Rica, you can participate online here: Al Anon Family Group Message Board

Good luck.

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Dear Double.

Your Sun and Moon are in the 7th house of your chart which gives very strong co-dependent tendencies, basically because you simply do not want to be alone. And this desire to be partnered can be so strong that any relationship, even one that is absolutely horrible like this one, is better than nothing. And if you can understand this, you can begin to untangle your confusion.

See, you are concerned about him and how the two of you relate. You think of the balance and the give and take.

He on the other hand, doesn’t think of you at all. It sounds like he uses your body now and then (gee, thanks) but outside of that it’s pretty obvious not just from the porn but the entire history of your relationship that this is a very self-centered man. So self-centered that your needs don’t even enter his picture. And I have just the words for you.

Recently I read astrologer Michael Lutin’s book, “SunShines: The Astrology of Being Happy”, and my favorite sentence in the entire book was this: “A relationship… a real relationship, takes two people. Not one person and one vegetable…”

::smiles::

I am sorry, but your man is a vegetable. And it seems he has no desire whatsoever to do anything about that, so I think you ought to leave him on the next train. And check this:

Forget his porn. Who cares what he does? What about your own need to be sexually satisfied, hmm? This guy ain’t cuttin’ it!

So I say, get out there and find a man who can… and will. But just watch yourself, okay? Make sure the next man you hook up with has an authentic desire to relate to another human being because if not, you’re going to wind up right where you are now, ‘cept you’ll be another year older.

Good luck.

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Dear Ready,

There is not something in your chart that “makes” this happen. Our charts do not run our lives, we do! That said, the potential for this to happen shows up very clearly in your chart. And if you can get a comprehensive understanding of what is going on with this, you should be able to get a new result.

So here are the nuts and bolts of your problem: you have a packed 12th house, which equates to Pisces (giving and self sacrifice). And when you go to these jobs and do a super duper job, this is what you are doing. You are giving.

But please be aware that you are making the choice to be a super-producer. And at first people are astonished and grateful. But it doesn’t take long for them to take you for granted, does it? And next thing you know, you’re a stereo-typical Pisces doormat!

So how to change this? Well first, just forget about relying on anyone outside yourself to solve this. You are not going to find a job where everyone appreciates your sacrifice and expresses it to you in the way you want!

So you know how they say, “Don’t lend money you can’t afford to lose?” Well you should apply the same principal to your giving… to your super-producing. If you can’t give without expecting something in return, then don’t give! Get it? Boundaries!

Take responsibility for the choices you make. And if you are going to go to work (or anywhere else) and give more than your share, then you’ve no right to call foul when people take you up on that. And I’ve got one little story for you, that just might kick you into taking the cure.

I once knew a gal… she was a friend actually. She was a lesbian with a mouth on her. And one day she told me, “I love meeting co-dependents. I have them do everything for me. They deserve it! Anyone who is going to lay down like that deserves to be taken advantage of.”

So think about that the next time your people-pleasing Libra Sun in the 12th house decides to stay late at work, so someone else can go play…

Good luck.

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Dear Lovin’,

I’m sorry. I think you are “one of the pack”, though I might have found a gentler way to say that. I think this because men typically make it very clear when they want a woman exclusively. For that matter they usually make it very clear what they want in general, so based on your post, I think this guy likes to kiss you and that’s about it.

Regarding his coming on then backing off… it’s possible he is only serving his Leo ego. You know. He wants a damned harem interested in him, if he can manage it. And it doesn’t sound like this jibes with your desires – so if I were you I’d cut the rope.

As to this pattern of coming on too quickly, you have some work to do. I see your problem as a boil, so I’m going to slice it open so it has the opportunity to heal.

First, you have a lot Libra in your chart and Libra is always co-dependent to some degree. So basically you are trying to give these boys what you think they want. And in the process you are losing sight of what you want. So how about I tell you what you want?

With Moon, Venus, Pluto conjunct in Libra, you desperately want to be partnered. And that’s okay. I want to be partnered too. But with who? Not with any son-of-a-bitch who comes along, okay? And this is where you’re getting jacked up.

With Saturn square to all that Libra, you are insecure around what you are worth and what you deserve. And you see what happens. You serve your co-dependent self up on a platter to whoever might be interested and I don’t have to tell you where it leads. So here is my advice:

Forget the surface games. To be emotionally satisfied (Moon), what you want is a partner (Venus) with some depth (Pluto)….who can commit (Saturn) to a real (Saturn) lasting (Saturn) relationship (Venus) that empowers you (Pluto).

I suggest you keep your pants on until you run across a man who has the potential to fit this bill, and stop wasting your time and energy on those who don’t. Because if you keep doing what you’re doing you’ll never find him. Let me put it another way. ::smiles::

Let your pheromones build up until you meet someone worthy… and then let it rip. That’s what I do, anyway.

Good luck.

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pictured: Libra and Her Sparrow, 1907, Sir Edward Poytner