Dear Elsa,
I have a problem pushing people until they no longer want to be around me. Recently my exclusive lover of 3 years said he was not ready to make any commitment to me. But back in March he wanted to see only me.
He and I have always had a connection; we had been on and off lovers for 6 years previously. We’ve always been drawn to one another no matter how much time has past, no matter what we’ve been through, before and after relationships with others. We shared a deep intimacy and from day one the sex was intense. Both agreeing it’s the best we’ve ever had with anyone. We just click that way every single time.
Since that time in March, I have argued with him and shoved article after article down his throat via email – giving him the impression he was wrong in the purchases he’s made, and wrong in his custody situation with his son (that one’s the biggie).
I love this man. I can’t believe I have done this to him and to myself. Why have I done this? And how can I get him back?
Thank You,
Admittedly Wrong
United States
Dear Wrong,
I am not sure I can help you get this man back or not but I will offer what I can. First, calm down! You have a history and chemistry with this man and these things count. He would probably prefer to continue in the relationship if you could get a handle on your behavior.
But it does sound as if you have pushed him to his end game and end games are just that. It means his tolerance for your hijinks has worn thin. It means that where he used to be able to listen to you go on for three hours, he now wants to shoot you after the first word out of your mouth. Basically you have made yourself insufferable and you asked why.
Well at your worst… when you are not taking care to be otherwise, you are entirely capable of being a preachy know-it-all control freak and no one in their right mind wants to be around someone like this – regardless of the quality of the sex. It’s just not worth it.
And I am not saying this to make you feel bad because I know you already do! I am spelling it out because if you are going to fix this, then fix it all. And if you’re super smart, you’ll do it in one fell swoop!
Call a complete moratorium on preaching to others. Not just him, but anyone. Call a complete moratorium on your attempts to control any and all other people. And I don’t care if you have to lock yourself in a room for three days to do it. If that’s what it takes for you to see what if feels like to reach out and fix someone and offer your opinions, then do it.
And specific to your man: he needs an apology of course. But he also needs to know you really get this. So be ready to outline your bad behavior so he knows that you know. For example it is NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what he does with his son. PERIOD! Who asked you???
It is also NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS what he does with his money, or I do with mine or any one else in this world. Worry about your own money, damnit! If he or if I want your opinion (this is not likely), we will ask for it – and if we don’t ask for it, then don’t offer it!
And the upside? Well if you can master this you will be surprised how much happier you are not worrying about other people’s money, choices and children. This leaves you free for more good sex, yes?
And one more thing. You don’t “get him back”. That is a control freak’s language. The man will either come back or he won’t…
Good luck.
I’m lost. Is the woman the leo, does the man have the t-square? I think I woke up fuzzy today and it’s not going away.
Thanks!
Boundary Issues?! It saddens me how often people feel they some right to tell others how to run their lives. The only person, IMO, that we can tell what to do is the person that looks back at us from the mirror . . . we just have to learn from our own mistakes sometimes.
Rock on, Elsa!!!