Dear Elsa,
I am pretty sure I have a problem. I snoop through my boyfriend’s computer almost every day! I know he looks at porn, he has a TON saved on his computer in many folders. We’ve been together for 18 months and I’ve hated it the whole time. He says he collects it, and that he rarely looks at it and yet he is always downloading more. Almost every day I see that he’s looked at naked girls or porn simply by looking at his internet history. He knows I hate it and recently, like 2 days ago, e swore he’d tone it down because I pretty much told him: porn or me. The next day… there are sites on his history again of naked women.
I have always been a snoop. My last boyfriend I was with nearly 4 yrs. and he was very loyal and trustworthy and sweet. And still I snooped through everything, his phone, dressers, computer, etc. Never found anything and yet it was like I wanted to. And I’ve done the same with this guy since the beginning… although I know this one does and has done many things that I don’t approve of, such and chatting with an ex and “joking” about her showing herself to him on cam (found that in chat history).
Anyway… I’m at my wits end. He swears he loves ME and wants to be with ME and if he wanted to be with some other girl he would of by now, etc. blah blah blah!! I could go on for days about all this and more, but this is my most recent and upsetting ‘stressful’ “thing” going on right now. Also, I need advice on how to stop being so jealous. What’s wrong with me? PLEASE HELP!!!
Aries Girlfriend
United States
Dear Aries,
I think it’s terrific you are on to this at 21 years old and I will try to help. It appears your boyfriend has a problem with porn and is in denial about the situation and there is virtually nothing you can do about it so let’s focus on you.
You have a snooping problem. With Mars conjunct Neptune in your chart, you have a sneaking problem that probably stems from deep feelings of insecurity. And while I don’t think you are exacerbating his problem, I do think his habit is probably feeding yours.
That does not mean you won’t have the problem with someone else because we already know you will. I am just wanting you to see how the two addicts are feeding each other. In other words if you want to get “sober” as in learn not to snoop, the odds of pulling this off are going to be very low if you are partnered with this man.
Just imagine the various scenarios you could be in if you wanted to try and fight your craving to snoop around. You know. The rush you get invading another person’s privacy. The satisfaction you get by proving they in fact SUCK, just as you imagined. Would you have an easier time doing that with this guy, or the one before him that could be trusted?
The answer is obvious so if you want to try to find a way out of this (and I definitely think you should), then I would cut ties with the other addict who is basically enabling you. And when you find yourself struggling, you are going to have to do like any other addict who manages to curb their addiction. You are going to have to root around for what is driving you on a deep level and bring it to light. Get a therapist to help if you can. It would be a terrific investment at your age and I have a lot of faith in you because it’s a rare 21 year old who can and will admit this:
“And still I snooped through everything, his phone, dressers, computer, etc. Never found anything and yet it was like I wanted to…’
That’s key right there. Men are dogs and you want to prove it. You want this validated.
Who told you that? Figure out who told you that and nuke them in your psyche so you can heal. There are scads of people who can be trusted. There are many, many, many people you can trust and half of them are men.
Good luck.
That was such good advice! I second the opinion, from personal experience, that it’s too hard to stop the snooping if you’re with someone who can’t really be trusted. I’m not saying it’s wrong to look at porn, I know that is an issue a lot of people take, but in relationships we have to compromise or get out. I’m of the opinion that if I can’t trust someone far enough that I want to snoop, then I would end it.
I agree with Elsa — your bf enjoys porn and that’s his business, although I disagree that he’s somehow “addicted” to porn — porn for men is the equivalent of romance novels or romantic comedies for women. The issue here is you. In trying to control him, the easiest route for him to go is simply to lie to you — its human nature. You cannot control another person and the harder you try, the more push back you’ll get.
As for the snooping, Elsa’s right on the button — if you keep looking and looking, eventually you’ll find something you don’t like. Being the porn Gestapo to soothe your insecurities isn’t the answer. At the end of the day, if you’re going to be in a relationship, you need either to accept the person you’re with for who he is, or you need to let him go. Your insecurities are the issue, so find a way to accept your own desirability and worthiness.
Wait a minute, Mark. You don’t think a person can have a porn addiction? Haven’t you ever heard of a man who would rather watch a video than have sex with a real woman? Or a man who has to listen to a certain video while having sex or can’t finish? Wouldn’t you call that an addiction?
I have the same problem with my boyfriend. he went to use porn a while ago instead of trying to have sex with me, he said it was because I had told him I wasn’t feeling well and he was being considerate. It hurt me so much because I had already told him I had a problem with the porn thing and he still hadn’t given it up. Infact, I had given up smoking because it bothered him but he never gave up the porn, I started watching it with him on the occasions he would put it on – the whole if you can’t beat ’em join ’em thought. But him watching it still really bothered me. It made me feel almost like he was cheating on me. We have great sex very often and I just didn’t see any reason for it. I realized that I made the sacrifice he asked me to but he never made the sacrifice for me. I brought it up to him and he said it wasn’t the same thing. We almost broke up that night because I told him to delete all of his porn or I was leaving. We made up and he deleted most of it but not all. I know everyone says its natural for men to watch porn but it still bothers me. I don’t really know what to do or how to deal with it. I don’t want to keep bringing it up but I just want it out of both of our lives. It just feels wrong to me.
If someone sticks a knife in you do you push against it to make it go deeper?
Porn is more than an addiction. It is exploitation and debasement of the sacred feminine.
I’ve got lots of stories about females who were abused by those who were addicted to porn.
I remember when I was little my dad used to make me and my sisters pull up our dresses right before he snapped a picture. Other times he would take pics of us sitting on our mother’s lap with legs spread. (He would instruct her to spread our legs). When my sister finally got the courage to confront her (our mother) about the sexual connotation of those pictures she said that it was nothing more than posing us as the popular “pin-up” girls of those times. She did not even see that this was sexualization of a child. Amazing.
When I left home I moved far, far away from this problem…or so I thought, but, what I found was more abused young women like myself.
At 18 I found myself living with my boyfriend, his Aunt and Uncle. They seemed really nice and safe …until I found myself being the scullery maid and cleaning their home for my keep. I did not mind that at all but what I found under their bed (by mistake) made me sick to my stomach. Stacks and stacks of porn. I was completely uncomfortable at that point.
Finally my BF and I got a place of our own…..right down the road from the Aunt and Uncle so my BF’s cousin (I’ll call her Jane) came to pay me (A total stranger to her)a visit and what she confessed to me that day chilled me to the bone. She confessed how her father (when she was 13) raped her. I knew she was telling the truth. You see there was a dark secret in this family. One that involved an ancient house, an old arm chair and a bullet hole, and this horrible reminder was located right behind their new home! Sick.
It seems that the Aunt tried to kill herself when the uncle found out that she had given their entire savings to their daughter “Jane” when she was in a bind….or so the story goes. After that day it was quite clear the real story behind that ancestral home with the bullet hole chair.
For all those who don’t think porn is a serious problem you are in denial.
My BF and I married and went on to have 2 beautiful sons but not before more family secrets (from the other side of the family) were revealed, once more, to me. I became very close with one of my BF’s cousins and found her to be a most generous hearted person. She and her husband tried for 7 years to have a baby and finally her wish was granted. In the span of 1 and 1/2 years she gave birth and died as a result of a car accident and what makes this story even more egregious is the fact that her brother (I’ll call him Jerry) confessed to me right after her death that he had caught his dad raping his sister in a barn behind their house.
I knew he was telling the truth because one day while visiting with my husband the father and mother of “Jerry” put on a porn movie to watch with their adult children, nephew and wife(me).
I got up in disgust and left.
If you still think that porn is harmless you are in denial.
I’ve got more stories of this kind. A toddler raped and sodomized by her porn addicted father who eventually gives her “the gift that keeps on giving” herpes …at the ripe old age of 2.
A six year old forced to perform sexual acts with her step-father as he watched his porn films from his extensive porn library. He served only 6 months while she serves a lifetime.
The father of the 2 year old got off without so much as a slap on the wrist….(his family attended the same church as the judge presiding over this case.)
If you STILL think that porn is not a problem then you are in denial.
Everytime an uncle, brother, father, grandfather, step-father peruses this garbage they are looking at someone’s daughter, grand daughter, niece, sister, mother, wife….or even worse, perhaps their own. Their are no boundaries in a set up like this and ultimatley it is the children who suffer this disease.
If you REALLY believe that porn is not a problem….you are in complete and utter denial.
Saphire, I’d have to say that your conscience bears out your character and you must listen to that inner voice (the outside chatter seems to be our undoing) that speaks a cosmic truth.
There is a lesson to learn about your boundaries and self-sacrifice it seems within this “relationship”…although it does not seem that he is relating to you at all.
I wish you the strength to stand by your conscience. Good luck to you.
I’m going through the same thing with my boyfriend, and I take it really personal. I started to think that he sees this to get hot, and then come to me and do you know what, i’m very jealous…. is ok to do it ocassionally, i just dont get why this watching porn situation needs to happen everyday, and like the internet is not enough, now he got all the playboy channels for free….this doesn’t come between our sexual life though, but it bothers because it makes me feel that thats the only thing he focus on besides work. any advise. I want to admire my man, and really look up to him, but sometimes I feel that the porn quality is not enough for me to admire him like I want to. I know this has to do with my venus placement in scorpio, I read about it many times, and it hurts more than anything, although I take proud in saying that this placement plays a bit in my personality. I need some encouragement because I cannot help my behavior, is too strong. Please Help, advise or something…..I though about focusing more on myself, but I’m afraid in the process I can forget about him. I was also born int he year of the Horse…. so imagine… I hold on tightly, but when I let go….is like the point of no return… please help