Dear Elsa,
I have been dating someone for about 3 years. He and I are both divorced. He and I are both divorced. He and his ex-wife were swingers. When we got together, we agreed this wasn’t for us. However, he continues to have contact with his “previous friends” and this really bothers me.
He also as a fascination with other women. We have fought over and over and over again about “other” women. He cruises personal ads, contacts women, corresponds with them (although he hasn’t met any to my knowledge). And I was willing to compromise. He could LOOK but no talking, no requesting, no chatting. There was a NO CONTACT RULE!! He agreed to no contact of any sort and has pretty much stuck to it except for one recent incident – and when I called him on it, he lied to me. He eventually admitted he’d really messed and he apologized. However he doesn’t see what the big deal us. They’re just pictures and she is an “old” friend.
I am insecure with myself and this relationship. I am slowing coming around but it seems every time we have this fight (about every 3 months) I am compromising more and more. Should I just accept that this is the way he is and go from there? Because I feel like eventually it will be all his way. “Having his cake and eating it too”.
Girlfriend
Dear Girlfriend,
Yes, you should accept this is the way he is, because this is clearly the way he is. And yes, you should go from there… but where you want to go is completely up to you.
See, if it were me, I would go straight out the door because I like two people in a bed. I have nothing against people who like 3 or 4 or more in their bed, but this is not for me. I get what I want some other way. So what do you like?
To be honest, I can’t really tell. But this is what you need to figure out. Because it sounds as if in the beginning, you really wanted a one on one situation. But then again, you hooked up with a swinger. Why’d you do that?
In the beginning you had firm boundaries which he has subsequently transgressed. He has also lied. You responded by fighting and then compromising. But why? Is it because he is bullying you? Is it because you’re afraid you can’t get another man? One who would be satisfied with just you? Or is it because you have an interest in this lifestyle?
See, I don’t think you should give him what he wants. I think you should give yourself what you want! But you have to figure out what that is. Because clearly he is taking somewhere you supposedly don’t want to go. And you don’t have the chart of a wimp or a victim or what are you doing, hmm? What you are doing is “coming around” but for whom?
Personally I think no matter what you do, the result is going to be the same. Eventually you’re going to get creamed by this man. He’s going to eat you for lunch because he’s just so self-centered. However, I don’t think he’s at fault. Because you’re a big girl, doing exactly what she wants.
Good luck.
I agree with Elsa.
He wants a swinging life.
Do ~you~ want a swinging life?
If you do, you’re all set. You have it! Just say Go!
If you don’t, there is nothing else for you to do but walk away and find another man — one whose values and needs are aligned with ~yours~.
Remember: you cannot force, or even expect, people to change. People have to *want* to change. Your current man clearly does not *want* to change. He is putting on a show of ‘trying’ but only because ~you~ ask or insist. If it wasn’t for you, he’d be swinging merrily along! That much is crystal clear.
Yes so true. Move on becsuse this man is manipulating and lying to you. He loves to swing and is just toning it down. If he loved you he would give it up. Go for counseling. Go fir prayer. But he’s not willing so leave now. I did the same thing you did 25 years so I kicked my guy out after slmost 4 years for cheating and lying. Swinging g not telling the truth. He stopped in the beginning just like yours. Honey save your life he’s no good.
I’m not contradicting the advice here, because it bears looking into. But do you remember anything about this chart, Elsa, that led you to believe Girlfriend was “seeking” this? Because I don’t get that just from the question – it could be replaced by any one of a dozen “doormat” type questions in my book.
In any case, Elsa and Strawberry Fields give good advice here. He’s not changing. Now is that a deal-breaker?
The DW thinks Elsa was pretty right on about this dude. He’s not done swinging, he’s just on hiatus because you haven’t been swung over to his point of view yet, as it were…
DTMFA because he’s a liar and he doesn’t give a rat’s ass about your feelings. That’s clear. But after you do, consider what you liked about him– whether it’s the taboo of an “ex”-swinger or personality traits– and find it in someone else. Someone who treats you well. You WILL find what you want, and you don’t have to put up with mistreatment to get it.