Degrading Your Partner To Justify Doing What You Want To Do

Gaslight 3You’re in a relationship and you no longer want to be. You may be married and someone else has caught your eye. It may be that you’re dating someone and you want out but you don’t want to face your partner honestly and own your feelings.  So what do you do?

It’s common that people in this circumstance start to degrade their partner.  They start to find fault with them, and begin to shut them out. They offer vague complaints that are impossible for their partner to address. In some cases they gaslight (tag – gaslighting) the person by pulling away and insisting they are not, or something similar. They avoid or refuse sex.

Some people take a more overt approach. They start accusing the partner of various things, like cheating, when they know damned well this has not occurred.

Have you ever used tactics like this, or had them used on you? What is the proper the way to leave your lover? What aspect in a chart incline a person to do this or have it been done to them?

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Degrading Your Partner To Justify Doing What You Want To Do — 21 Comments

  1. It may be that you’re dating someone and you want out but you don’t want to face your partner honestly and own your feelings.

    Honesty is the best policy, says Aries rising.

    I have Neptune in the 7th, which contradicts my usual direct approach. My exes weren’t into such bluntness. The vague complaints and fault-finding started. I got sick of them and got rid of them. Mission accomplished! They were free to *poof!* vanish, never to be seen or heard from again.

    Leo Sun and Mars never liked how my ego was bruised by this crap, but my “mourning” was always short-lived. If the exes thought I’d be in seclusion, licking my wounds, they were sadly mistaken.

  2. maybe,or not, I’ve done this…I can see it being is sneaky and low down if the person realizes they are doing it,but I see it as human nature and not everyone sees themselves objectivly. the astrology would depend on the way the person feels about what they are doing. are they being cowardly or doing this on purpose?.Elsa, you always hit the nail on the head with human behavior.

  3. I have had this done to me. The last month of my previous relationship was like this. It was brutal. I knew something was up but he kept denying it. I knew. Finally one night I broke down and told him I felt like I was going crazy. I knew he had pulled away and I am pretty secure in my knowledge. He ended it.

    I don’t know about the proper way to leave your lover, but he told me ‘well you always said ‘what would I do without you…..’ ‘

    My response was, ‘holy fuck are you kidding me right now? When have I ever given you the impression I’d die without you? It’s an expression…one I promise you will never hear pass my lips again. I will be fine without you, I promise you that too. I am way stronger than you have ever given me credit for.’

    He was just…stunned.

    What a horrible breakup.

    As for my chart, I dunno. I have Moon/Chiron and cold people tend to think I’m weak because I’m so emotional.

  4. We have been gaslighting each other. He cuts me so that he can nurse me back to health. I act insensitive because I secretly want to run away from him.

    Last night in my journal I wrote my intentions. I used the word “solid” like six times. I am determined to be alone for the next 5 months, come hell or high water.

  5. Oh Elsa this is the theme in our life right now EXACTLY!! We invested money in a small company but mostly in the person to help him buy it. We signed all the legal docs required with our protections in place yada yada. Basically this person signed a pre-nup. Forward 3 years & things are moving along nicely when out of the blue this man is attempting a hostile takeover of our ownership, we own the majority. When hubby sat down with him he replied he felt hubby was “dragging his feet to move things along” Hubby replied “I’m making sure we’re cautious”. Partner replied “But so-and-so thinks we should…”. Ahh now we see, he found someone sexier, younger in business than my hubby.

    He signed the pre-nup, got new boobs, teeth & had lipo done is feeling hot but stifled by the old man who believed in him in the first place. Instead of manning up and saying “I’d like to discuss xyz” he is trying a hostile takeover. His other so-and-so isn’t exactly coming to his rescue right now & it’s cold out there alone. He now wants to negotiate terms & my hubby is willing to do this for the sake of the kids, the business.

    This was discovered 3 days after Pluto went retrograde. This has happened to us before. Neptune is at the end of hubby’s 8th house-other people’s money. I can’t WAIT until it leaves but hubby is definitely working on his NN in Scorpio.


  6. I probably have. I’ve done all kinds of unsavory things it seems.

    Some days I truly hope everyone has recovered from what an asshole I’ve been at certain points in my life.

  7. Sounds like a Libra afraid of conflict thing. They want to be broken up with rather than do the breaking up so they don’t have to look like the bad guy to family, mutual friends, etc. even though they engineered the entire thing. Funny it takes more energy to do the charade than it would to just rip the band-aid off.

    On the other hand, not everyone who is trapped in a miserable relationship has a way out. In an economy where it’s so hard to find work and until you do your only option is to take your child(ren) and go to a shelter until the police arrive and serve you with papers, well, sometimes a charade is necessary until you can figure out how to escape.

    Never give up your independence, even in a marriage with a person you have known for years and think you can trust. People can change or pretend to be one way until they have you under their control then show you who they truly are.

    If you have a way out, yes, it’s best to be mature and upfront and honest and just leave. Be grateful if you have that option and try not to play these games even if you are afraid of conflict.

  8. My ex did this. It totally confused me until the day he finally had to break up with me himself. I think he thought I’d do it for him. I was very confused right up until he did the deed. Then I had that A-HA moment. When he told me he was doing me a favor he was more right than he knew.

  9. I only realized i did this in retrospect. I’m ashamed to admit I didn’t see what I was doing. I had legitimate reasons to be upset (drug abuse, lies etc.) but I couldn’t face what that meant to me and approach my feelings directly.

  10. i think everyone’s done this to a degree.. and had it done to them… i might do this at the early stages of realizing i no longer want to be with a partner, but i don’t leave it hanging for long. when its time to end it, i end it.

    i have experienced being degraded by a partner, when the accusations were half-true… my ex once did this in order to justify his bad behavior, by making it out to be like it was out of revenge, based on what i’d done first…

    all in all, very immature. when there are issues its always best to talk about them rather than let resentment fester. good luck telling a gemini man its best to talk openly about his feelings, though.

  11. Self sacrificing neptune in libra lossely squares venus in cancer? Mommy moon in cancer loosely squaring mercury in libra?

    Uranus is squaring my natal moon now. It’s got me thinkin that uranus is a rather tense fellow. I first noticed it when uranus conjuncted my mars. It was so intense that for a period of time there was glass breaking all around me, literally. For some reason, I internalized everything too much, mars rx in pisces?

    When I needed support, I did address it directly, but the repeated response was ‘how is that supposed to make me feel’? If I am the emotional support system for someone I guess I cannot expect them to be there for me when I need it.

    I really had a good feeling about the last one. But then I heard the normal cue, ‘do my emotionalizing for me’, ‘kiss my owie and make it better’ so I don’t have to deal with it. When he broached it, I caught myself and just said, ‘well that’s something you could take a look at.’ He needed an owie kisser. I could have nailed the relationship in, but it would have wore me out.

    He’d be all high on himself and I’d be in the shitter again unable to function with him kickin the dyin dog.

  12. OUCH! You look at Bob’s chart and tell me what aspects make a person do this as he has been doing this for 30 years.

    And what aspect made me take it.

  13. Never have I used these tactics but I’ve had them used against me. It’s brutal. I used to ‘tap dance’ as I like to call it…whether I was fixing or avoiding the gunfire…it’s all the same.When that shit starts to come down…you’re in trouble. How do I end it? I end it. Don’t know about chart relation… it’s happened from Geminis to Pisces.

  14. i’m pretty sure my ex friend did this to her ex husband. (we’re ex friends due to the aforementioned association, not because she did anything to me personally). she pulled away and began hanging out with other people every chance she got. she began an emotional relationship with a coworker which turned sexual after a period of her refusing to be intimate with her husband. i can’t say, though, whether she ever at any point tried to talk to him or repair their relationship. i was never privvy to that kind of info from either of them. anyway, though, i have to say that this is exactly how she went about severing the tie… spinelessly. i can’t say whether i’d do the same… not in those shoes. hope not, but who knows.

  15. Good word, B, spineless. I may cry myself to sleep at times, I may be too free-spirited for my own good….but I will tell you this much. When something matters, when something is important and needs me to be present…I got this. I laugh alot but I don’t dick around with things that could hurt someone else.

  16. I would think the astrological influence would be neptune square mars?? or neptune square saturn??
    Also unfortunately I know a close person who does this to the other.
    I wouldn’t do this to the other person but i can see how hard it would be to confront them on it. I notice that my gay friends are much more overt in their relationships, they know where they stand and confront the other if cheated upon or will flat out cheat and let the other know. Interesting. I wonder if its like that for all gays.. I kinda think so. That’s where they get the terms drama queen or devo lol!! I love being gay :p

  17. Yes, it makes us feel justified in what we are doing/thinking about doing. It’s human nature and everyone does this whether they realize it or not. I think the best thing is to silmultaniously own your own faults. Recognizing when you do this will also make you look at how it is the relationship and not the person necessarily.

  18. My ex accused me of cheating when he was doing exactly that, with various women, throughout the duration of our Relationship.It was pretty heartbreaking. He of course firmly denied anything of the sort when questioned, and made a pretty convincing show of loving me, which as very confusing, because deep down I did have a feeling something was wrong. He had moon in 7th square Neptune in 10th, along with a packed 8th house and a calling venus in the 9th. He was a reputed liar and womaniser. Not sure what I was thinking getting involved with someone like that. I have Venus trine Neptune and square Uranus. Duh. Finally ditched him when I did manage to attain proof. If there is ever a next time (I hope there is not) I will trust my gut and forget about proof. You know when you know.

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