Dear Girlfriend,

No! Don’t even think about it. Not only do you not need to be around his mother, you’re a Leo having a child! And the last thing you need is to live in a basement… ever! You stay in the sunshine, okay? Have your baby in the light!

But aside from that – just as a general rule, it’s never a good idea to go towards something that makes you crazy. This is particularly true when you are somebody’s mother, because parenting is very hard and you need to be sane to do it! So it’s good that this is coming up. Because having a baby is a big deal that requires you change your life completely. So this is a chance for you to make some good, positive changes and I have complete faith you can do exactly that. So here’s your key:

You are a sane person: kind, caring, generous and giving. We can all see this from your post. So next time you want to know what to do, you do not have to ask me. You need only check your feelings and do what feels good and right, because what feels good and right, is good and right. And what is good and right for you is going to be good and right for your baby. And your boyfriend’s mother?

Well she should be supporting you, not the other way around. You do what you want, but considering she ignores you anyway, I think it would be completely reasonable to tell your boyfriend he’s on his own when he wants to visit his mother. See if this doesn’t encourage her to change her behavior. Because she does not show you the respect you deserve, which is another thing mothers can’t do Allow their children to see them be mistreated, that is.

Bottom line, I think you have a good , solid heart. If you vow to go with that, you’re going to be fine.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Lost In Love,

Yeah, I have some advice and so does my editor, HQ, who I consulted on your question because I consider him an expert on this subject. Half-Asian himself (and married to an Asian woman), he came back with this learned advice:

• The man has to be prepared to endure a lot, over the long haul. If he is a good man, the mother will almost certainly come around. It may take 10-20 years though… not everyone is prepared to endure that. On a practical level, he needs to be prepared for the family to completely reject him at first. If he sees it as just the first step in a long journey, than it’s much less painful.
• It’s true that the mother will never be able to fully connect to someone who isn’t Vietnamese. But there are other ways to create commonality.. he will have to work hard to find these. For example, maybe she loves Music… or Education. These are things that he can connect over.
• Finally, it seems like the parents hold all the cards… but that’s not true. If the parents love their daughter, they are going to want her to be happy. So that’s one thing in his favor. The other huuuuuuuge advantage that he has is babies. If he can hold out until they have a baby together, her parents will almost certainly accept him. After all, who can reject their own flesh and blood? Once they have a baby, then he is part of the family by definition.
• So basically, he has to be prepared for a waiting game… but time is on his side.

~~
So that’s that, and here’s my bit:

I would also expect problems. Your mother has made it very clear how she feels about this and like HQ, I have personal experience with these issues from the other angle.

I am an Italian who married a man whose family of WASPs who were dead set against this, in spite of the fact his sister had also married Italian and been enormously happy for fourteen years, with two children.

So when I traveled to meet my future in laws, I met this sister and her Italian husband first, who were obviously very supportive of our relationship. And when we pulled up in front of their house, the husband ran out to meet up on the sidewalk, fell to his knees in dramatic Italian style, kissed my hand, stood up and hugged me, swung me around and nearly threw me up in the air he was so gleeful.

“Finally!” he said. “Finally one of my people! Please tell my wife I’m not yelling,” he said in his loud Italian voice.

I laughed. He was Aquarian.

“Tell her this is talking, not yelling! I have been trying to explain this to her for 14 years!”

I looked over at his wife, who was grinning ear to ear. These two were in love, see. “He’s not yelling,” I said in my loud Italian voice that matched his. “THIS IS YELLING!” I bellowed. The Italian guy roared and covered in kisses.

“See? What I tell you?” he said. He was an immigrant, see. She’d met him in Italy and imported him.

But anyway, later over dinner the conversation became more serious when he explained that even after fourteen years of making his wife the happiest woman in the world… “I am still an outsider in this family,” he said. And it pained him. “Look at these beautiful children,” he said. And they were. Those kids were gorgeous and he could not understand the lack of heart in this family. So considering this, I think you and your man are going to have a real challenge. But here’s the thing:

I looked at your chart and you have an Aquarius Moon. You very much want to be liberated from your family. There is a part of you who wants to shock them as well. And you also have some serious Sagittarius so you are going to favor “foreigners” and fare well with them. So it’s my opinion that a marriage like this is part of your destiny. I just don’t think you’ll be happy with a traditional situation. You crave expansion which is not what you get when you marry someone who looks like your brother… and your other brother… and your other brother too!

So I say, go forward. But it’s very important you stand with your partner when and if your family move to trash him. Because they very well might. And if you are willing to do this… well go back and see HQ’s advice. Because I think he’s on track.

What do the rest of you think? Anyone else have experience with this? Tell us.

Dear Daughter-in-law,

No, there is not universal incompatibility between Aries and Libra – however they are both Cardinal signs and want to be in charge. Further your Moon is in Cancer, another Cardinal sign and I am sure that quite rightly, you would like to be acknowledged as the woman in charge in your home. And then here comes this bitch.

And I do see it that way. I deplore women who want to micromanage their sons or control their son’s partners. Wanting to continue to be primary in their son’s lives, they just refuse to step aside and let the younger woman establish herself and this is what I think is happening to you.

Now here’s the dilemma. I don’t think you’re going to get this woman to relent. If she ever does, it will occur due a shift that originates with her and I would not hold my breath waiting for this to happen because the odds it will are abysmal. So what to do?

Well it sounds like you’re good with your husband and that’s the main thing. And since your mother-in-law is living in another state, your exposure is limited so be sure to keep it that way.

Outside of that, this really is a fight you can’t win. You try to control her, she tries to control you, then you try to control her and no one gets anywhere. So I would practice detaching when she’s around. And it won’t come naturally but it will ease some of your grief if you consciously decide to defer to her every desire when she’s around – knowing full well she can only be around for a week or so and that’s it. This is the extent of her reach.

And it’s not a perfect solution, but if you choose otherwise you’re just going to chew yourself up. So just tell yourself that someone crazy is coming to stay with you, and act accordingly. Because it is crazy to insert yourself into your adult child’s marriage like this and we all know that crazy people can’t help themselves.

And one more thing. Has your husband told her to back off? Because he should.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Worried,

It does no good to worry about anything, ever. This is a general fact. It won’t change the outcome of anything so consequently, it’s a total waste of time. Time you could spend loving your man! So consider this overall… but specific to your situation, I read it much differently than you do.

First, though I see your man has Venus in Aquarius, it is exactly trine Saturn and I’m not sure I would characterize him as commitment phobic. After all, he’s been with you for three years which is an epic long time for a true commitment phobic (like me). Granted, he may be a little squiggly around marriage. He may prefer to innovate and make his own relationship rules but if anything, Saturn going into the 7th house is going to help your cause not hurt it.

A Saturn transit through the 7th house pressures a person to make (or break commitments), and define their relationships. And it’s common enough, this means getting married. How better to cement your commitment?

In other cases it will mark the end of a relationship, but only when the thing all wrong and not working in the first place. If the relationship is dead wood, and no growth for him, he will absolutely leave. If the relationship is good for him and supports him, he will have an enormous struggle if he tries to bolt and what his parents think will be irrelevant.

So the bottom line, I think you’re looking pretty good here. If I were you, I’d work to check my fear because it’s no fun being around people who are perennially frightened.

Further that, I would do my best not to take a position opposite his parents if you can possibly manage. Because he has a nasty opposition to his Sun and Moon (Mom and Dad) in his chart and if you get in that, you’re going to be screwed. Instead be Venus (love) in Aquarius which is basically a friend who loves him, and leave him to deal with his family on his own.

And beyond this, I would be patient and just trust the universe to sort this out. Having faith the outcome is going to be in everyone’s best interest, because this is exactly what will happen.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Split,

Although I appreciate your distress, I do not feel you did the right thing by betraying your father’s confidence – and I imagine on some level you agree with me, or you would not be so agitated. It’s the old “two wrongs don’t make a right”. If you were upset at your father, then you should have confronted him and let it play from there.

Instead, you brought your mother (and your sister) into this and why did you do this? Well let me take a guess.

You are a double Capricorn with a Cancer Moon. In other words, you’re a control freak. You want to call all the shots! So when your father did something you deemed “inappropriate”… something outside the lines, well God help him. His daughter is going to come down on from on high, and I think you can figure out the rest. Here’s my advice:

Apologize to your father. Tell him you made an error in judgment and promise that in the future you will exercise more restraint.

Further, your mother and sister also deserve an apology. See, whatever your father confided in you… well obviously you didn’t like it. But it was you who got the whole family embroiled and for this you need to take responsibility.

Next time? Try something along these lines:

“Dad, why are you telling me this without Mom’s knowledge?”

And then listen. Because you’re not “little” anymore, okay? And there is no excuse for one adult to betray another.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Angsty,

I read your post and checked your chart and it was pretty obvious to me what the problem is. But I want you to know I looked at your mother’s chart as well, in the interest of being careful, conscientious, thorough etc. Sure enough I found that you and your mother are very, very similar. Let’s see:

You’re a Cancer with a Virgo Rising, a Scorpio Moon and some planets in Libra.

She is a Virgo with Cancer Moon, Venus in Scorpio and a stellium in Libra.

Hmm…

See, you have a Moon Uranus conjunction in Scorpio! So you are deeply merged with your mother, and simultaneously wanting to detach and get away! This describes a state of extreme “un-comfort”. But this is in your chart, see. And this means it is your problem. In other words you are going to feel these things, regardless of what your mother does.

But you can make fast progress if you come to realize that everything you loathe about your mother is also inside of you – because it is! But you can revolutionize (Uranus) and transform (Scorpio) her energy, if this is your will. But this is an advanced game. And to get in position to be able to manage this, you must come to understand you have swallowed your mother whole.

Please. Aren’t you manipulative and hysterical at times? Don’t you irritate the living shit out of people at times? And aren’t you strong and intellectual? You get the idea.

Forget about your mother and work with your own emotional nature. If you change, she will change… so change!

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Weekends,

Here’s the deal. Your boyfriend, who I assume is your age (25-ish) lives at home and he’s making it clear to you that he likes it that way. He’s not going to move. It’s also clear he likes his family the way they are.

He’s not going to help you, because they have a family system there. And he’s part of it. Like a commune. And he’s telling you to fit in, or fuck off. I’m sorry, but this is the case. His loyalty is with his family, not with you… the outsider.

Now I expect his sister is just acting out something for the entire family. She is aggressive, and the rest of them smile in your face while she acts out. In other words, they are passive-aggressive. Because if his parents really liked you, don’t you think they’d tell her to knock it off? I do.

Take yourself out of the situation and check out this one I’m going to make up: Let’s say, my daughter brings her friend over. My son pokes her with a stick. I offer the girl candy. My son slaps her in the face. I ask her if she would like some cake. My son kicks her in the shin, so I give her a cookie.

The girls turns to her friend (my daughter) and says, “Can you make your brother stop?”

“Why no,” says my daughter. “That’s your problem…”

So what do you think? Want to be part of this family? RUN.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Devoted,

You have a Capricorn Moon and it’s nice that you want to do the right thing. But are you sure this is the right thing?

You might want to ask your mother what she thinks. Because I am a mother, and at least half of us do not have an agenda for our children. We do not expect or even want them to take care of us. We want them to become fully actualized as individuals, on a path to fulfill their destiny whatever it may be.

So this is the first thing to ask yourself. Are you trying to serve someone who does not want to be served? Because if you are, you should stop. Because at that point, you would be serving yourself not her, yes?

And what if your mother falls on the opposite side of this equation? What if she does want your help, and you want to give it? Well, that’s fine. Just do it. Go for the money and once you have her secure, go serve your ideals.

And how to resolve this in your mind? Well if one of your ideals is to take care of your parents… then you have not compromised yourself, have you?

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Venus,

Congratulations! You’ve found a man with enough appeal to put you in your un-comfort zone… which is exactly what you need. It was fine to be “independent mother who attracts and rejects men”. But luckily for you, that gig is up because now you get to grow.

You have Venus in Scorpio in the Eighth house (Scorpio’s house). For you, love is deep. In the best of cases, it triggers and transforms you. But there are no tricks. You will not get through this with your mind. And try to rejoice, okay? Because fact is, you’re a meat eater.

By that I mean you don’t want lite yogurt for a man. You want someone to engage you. You want someone to access you on a deep level, just like this. How else to release your demons?

He’s triggering you, see. And thank goodness. Because there is all kinds of gunk in there. In your psyche, and in your soul… and it wants loose. If I were you, I would want it loose too – because all kinds of personal power you can’t access right now is tied up with it.

So here’s my advice. Stay uncomfortable. Writhe around. Get a therapist if you want, but do not, not, not act out. Instead force yourself to go deeper. You need to go deeper than your last relationship. Much deeper. You want to think back to when your were a little girl. What happened between your parents? And between you and then. Because although there may be a tie to your last relationship, that’s not the root. And you want the root. Think “excavation”. Because finding the root, pulling it, and holding it to the light will empower you beyond your wildest dreams.

And after that? After that, he will trigger you again. And again. And again. Let him. Because he sounds like a stand-up guy and via his energy you will grow… and glow, like you never have before.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Scared,

I am not going to tell someone who is scared that they ought to stay that way. You must face your fear. Always. Otherwise, you compromise your life. And when you start doing this, it quickly becomes a habit that is very hard to break.

Now there is nothing wrong with choosing to adopt children when you are able to bear them yourself. But your reason for making this choice needs to be clean, and yours is not. You are going to have to look at this and with that, I can probably help.

Could it be that because you are adopted… because your mother gave you up… you feel your genes are jacked up in some way? Are you afraid there is something inherently wrong with you and your DNA? Your charts suggests this may be the problem, so let me disabuse you of that notion.

Really good people come from really bad people, all the time. Really bad people come from really good people, as well. And I am passing no judgment on your mother at all. But let’s just say your mother is psycho-killer! So what? It’s only energy. I can’t say this often enough: Energy is neither good nor bad. Energy is neutral, until it’s directed.

I also want to refer you to a post I wrote last week, “Scorpio Mom” because it applies to you as well. That gal thinks she is foul in some way, that she will injure her child because she is so horrible herself. Can you see how this relates to you?

You must confront these feelings of unworthiness if you are to be a good parent to any child, adopted or otherwise. So do it!

Good luck.

~~
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