I have several clients, burdened by the fact their parents are dependent on them. I certainly believe in family taking care of family but what if the parents are addicted? What if the adult child is throwing good money after bad every time the cut a check to their parent(s) who just can’t seem to put the bottle (or the equivalent) down?
Continue reading Your Dependent (Addictive) Parents
Families Who Fall Apart After The Death Of The Matriarch Or Patriarch
Astrology in real life
It’s a common phenomena. The matriarch or the patriarch of a family passes and the family unravels. I knew of a mother who died leaving her husband and four sons behind. The men never realized she was what held them together and helped them relate to each other. When she was lost from the picture each man became an island.
Continue reading Families Who Fall Apart After The Death Of The Matriarch Or Patriarch
Aries Mom Struggles With Aries Grandma For Parenting Rights To Her Son After Illness: Astrology-Based Advice
Dear Elsa,
In the last few years, I’ve allowed my mother to micromanage my life. We are both Aries, our birthdays one week and a few days apart. I have had serious health issue that called for her to be a dominant force with my son’s rearing. Now that I am well, I need her to release the reins on my eight year old son. I appreciate her help and her love and her support, but we can’t seem to agree on anything, especially child-rearing, finances, and anything involving my life.
Can you give me some advice? Can two women, who are mother and daughter and USED to be best friends, learn to be friends again? How can I give her the respect and honor she deserves but let her know she is making me angry and frustrated?
Aries Mom
United States
Dear Aries,
You have articulated your situation beautifully and I wonder if you have tried to tell your mother exactly what you just told me. Your post is balanced, it is fair, and it is full of love yet firm.
I would go as far as to say that anyone who can write and think like this is well equipped to parent so the first thing I’d suggest is you go over just exactly what it is you’re saying to your mother that might be triggering her. Are you in some kind of negative pattern, both yelling at each other? If this is the case, perhaps you can write her. And to answer your specific questions…
You can show her your love and appreciation by asking her to relinquish control to you rather than demanding it, because she’s got an investment now too. You can also thank her for being there and for stepping in, but explain that in order for you to completely heal you have got to resume your place as the mother in your son’s life.
Now as far as money goes, I hope you are using yours because if you are using hers… it complicates the situation. If this is the case and is a factor here, I would work very hard to become independent – because it is not fair you call the shots and another person finance them.
Last, do I think you can fix this? Absolutely for the reasons described in the first paragraph up there.
Good luck.
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Pisces Woman With Troublesome Mother: Astrology-Based Advice
Dear Elsa,
I have always had a rocky relationship with my mom and now as an adult, I’m ready to just keep her out of my life. Every since I can remember, she’s either overtly depended on me or she’s put me down. She’ll pit my two siblings and I against each other, saying how one or two is doing so and so and what’s wrong with you. She was in an abusive relationship with my father, telling me 80 percent of the things he did but when I commented that I wouldn’t put my children through that, she flipped out on me. I don’t know if its because she’s an Aquarius or because I’m a Pisces but it feels like she always knows just the thing to say to make me feel like nothing.
Now I’m involved in a relationship with a Scorpio male I love and she throws him in my face, like she’s upset that I’m with him. I don’t have kids of my own yet and I know I don’t want them in that type of environment. I love and respect her but I’m at my wit’s end. What should I do?
Young Woman
United States
Dear Woman,
There is such a thing as a woman who just can’t stand to see another woman happy, especially with a man – and your mother sounds as if she fits the prototype. You can read about cock-blocking here, and get some idea of what you are dealing with. She’s not happy with a man so you are going to be happy with a man over her dead body.
Now the point of this is to become educated so you can take the next step which is to detach. Perhaps detach all together if you can manage, but I am not sure you can manage with your Moon in Cancer in hard aspect to Jupiter and Saturn. With aspects like that, you may find yourself stuck and in complete candor, I think in order to survive this you are going to have to tap your whole being – which is not the worst news in the world considering that people not called to do so have talent that goes to waste. In whatever case here’s your map:
You have a stellium in Pisces which gives the innate ability to transcend but when you do this, I want you to have a solid base (Saturn) and belief and philosophy (Jupiter) beneath your action. If you have this all together you will be acting as a whole which sounds like this:
“I know my mother is an unhappy woman and I forgive her for that, however I am going to erect whatever boundary is necessary so that I can transcend her and offer my children a more secure and evolved environment… which is my responsibility in this life.”
Good luck.
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Her Father Beat Up The Boy She Loves: Scorpio Sun, Virgo Moon
Dear Elsa,
I know because I’m young I must have no idea what love is. But there’s this Scorpio boy who lives in my village and I’ve known him basically all my life. He was my first crush, that was when I was 10 and he was 13. He never knew I had feelings for him, until one day this July when we both admitted it to each other over the internet. He told me that his past relationships were bad and wanted ours to work out so we’d take it slow, as he would have been my first boyfriend and as well as first everything else.
Last Thursday my father beat him up. My father said he had no problem with us talking but if I was outside the house and yard then there was a problem but he also claimed to have said it to us both. That doesn’t matter. What does matter is that the love of my life said that Thursday night that he promises never to speak to me again and he’s keeping it, because I tried calling him, I got no answer and then when he picked up he asked who it was, and when I told him he hung up. I can’t bear it, I now know what grownups call heartbreak and under the circumstances my love will never be with me.
WHAT CAN I DO, MS. ELSA? I’ve never felt so hurt before, I feel as though I’m dying and the tears just can’t stop. Please tell me if there’s any way he’ll come around and forgive me or my father… I still love him.
Girl In Love
Trinidad
Dear Love,
I am very sorry for how the way you are hurting and I do not think that because you are young (almost 18) that you do not know anything about love. It is clear you are a sensitive young woman with an open heart and that is all it takes to feel love. That said, you’ve got a real problem with your Dad.
Now it’s not clear if he is typically violent. I don’t know if he beats you, if he beats others, or if he went off on some kind of crazed attack in a misguided attempt to protect his daughter. What is clear is you are not going to be able to date with your father around, unless some changes are made.
If you have some semblance of a relationship with your father – which is sounds like you might – then please try to reason with him. Try to get him to see that you are growing up and he must step aside and allow you to develop. Perhaps this is possible. Does he have remorse what he has done? If he does, then you probably have a chance to reason with him.
On the other hand, if he is beating you and if he is just an incorrigible controlling tyrant, then I am afraid you are going to have to plot your way out of there so that you can conduct your life and have a boyfriend without fearing violent attack.
There is a third scenario. It is possible this boy broke the rules of your culture by seeing you without first securing your father’s permission. If this is the case, your father obviously overreacted but it is worth noting.
As for the boy… people may not like it but I am disappointed in him for abandoning you. I acknowledge it is possible he did it to protect you. You did not tell us if your father beat you or not, see. But let me answer your direct question:
Is there a chance the boy will come around? There is a chance. If you are meant to be with him he most certainly will, but his not answering your calls suggests he is not as serious about you as you are about him. And let’s not forget this boy reported having troubled relationships in the past. He seemed to be telling you in advance there was going to be a problem.
Will he forgive you and your father? You are not responsible for your father’s violent act so you do not need to be forgiven, you’ve done nothing wrong. As to how he feels about your father, it does not appear he wants to negotiate this, but rather he would like to escape the situation, leaving you holding the bag.
You sound like a very nice, very loving young woman and your chart is grand. I say figure out how you’re going to manage your father if this is possible, or otherwise how you are going to get out of that house and have a life.
And if this is cultural… well the next boy you meet, please tell him what he’s got to do to garner your father’s permission to date you. And if he won’t do it, you will know he’s the wrong boy.
Good luck and again I am very sorry for your pain.
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Her Father Takes Drastic Steps To Keep Her From Man She’s Attracted To: Aries With Pisces Moon Square Uranus, Mars Opposite Saturn
Dear Elsa,
I have known a man for 3 years and the chemistry – both intellectual and emotional – was intense, as was the physical attraction. However, due to geographical/career constraints we went our separate ways but always stayed in touch, helping each other through turbulent times by talking/writing to each other. Although frustrating for both of us, the separation was good in a sense, because it delayed the physical and allowed us thoroughly to get to know each other first.
My father was diagnosed with cancer last year and before he went to surgery I confided in him and told him about this man and how special he made me feel. I wanted my dad to know, because I was afraid that he was going to die. My father got better and I planned on making a trip to visit this man in South America, since he repeatedly kept inviting me over the years but due to family obligations I had to make a unexpected trip to Europe instead.
While in Europe, my father obtained my personal/intimate letters and called this man and told the guy to leave me alone and stop brainwrashing me. He then proceeded to make up lies about my family history, stating that my grandfather was a Nazi officer and had killed Jews and how he hates all Jews. And this man is Jewish, and I absolutely adore him. When he told me about the call, I was shocked, betrayed and terribly hurt that he had to hear such hideous words.
My friend was to arrive for business to the States this summer and we planned on seeing each other, but my father told my friend that he made sure to send me to Europe so that when he came to America we would not see each other. After I came back from Europe I decided I was going to go see this man no matter what, but was called a cheap whore and told that if I went to see this man, I would be completely cut off from my family.
I am split in two, scared of my father’s opinions of me, scared of this man’s opinion of me, after all the s*** my father dumped on him. And since this incident I find myself more and more attracted to this guy, wanting to be with him is turning into an obsession. I don’t know if it’s because there is some REAL undeniable synastry working here, or because this is a direct rebellion against my father who I have feared and loathed most of my life (even as I’ve repressed and hidden these emotions from him).
Both my friend and my father are Libras, so this feels like a sick Oedipal love triangle. An astrologer in Europe told me that when she placed my astrology chart with my friend’s, it looked like we had the same chart. I don’t know if she was lying to me because she saw how desperate and sad I seemed, or if there truly is a unavoidable KARMIC ATTRACTION between us.
Young Woman
Lettonia
Dear Woman,
Arrrrrgh. Your father is a controlling jackass, and your astrologer is a liar. Your man in South America does in fact smack of your father, in that they are both very controlling men.
You are only 24 years old which means you met the man in South America when you were 21, and that he is nearly 10 years older than you. This leads me to think your father’s concerns may have merit; however the techniques he uses to control his daughter are abhorrent.
Now I were him, I would voice my opinion once and then let you go live your life. I do think the crap your father has pulled has increased the appeal of the man, because you have Moon square Uranus and are naturally going to rebel against your family / your roots.
As for the karmic connection between you and this man, I don’t see it. I think he is a father substitute. Your father is a pot calling the kettle black… but I also think it takes one to know one.
The man is attractive also because he is inaccessible, which makes it easy for your Moon in Pisces to dream him into whatever you want. I think if you were living in the same house with this guy, reality would hit quickly and hit you hard.
Last, just to help the Pisces… you say this man supported you and I believe you. But so did your father over the course of your life. I hate to say that. I hate defending a bastard, it‘s just that you are very smart and you understand psych and I think if you can see the mirror image here, you can get free which with Moon square Uranus, ultimately what you want.
Here’s my plan (yet a third person trying to run your life)…
Recognize you are oppressed by both men because the South American is preventing you from having fun with men who live nearby and offering nothing but invitations you travel to his doorstep. (Saturn opposite Mars in the birth chart)
Then work towards the goal of achieving independence… independent of father figures.
Good luck.
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Cancer Woman’s Mother Died Suddenly – Capricorn Boyfriend Offers No Comfort
Dear Elsa
I am really at a loss about how to deal with my boyfriend. I thought that we had a strong relationship and we were planning marriage and our future. However, in February my mom suddenly died. Naturally I was very sad, but instead of helping me or being supportive, my boyfriend just seemed absent from it. Then a week after she died, he said he didn’t “know about our future anymore” and he needed to think about whether or not he wanted to be in a relationship with me. I can’t imagine who does that to someone, and even though I was completely shocked, I accepted the apology that followed and tried to remember that he was great pre-February and maybe this was just a stage he was going through.
Ever since that moment, he has gone through a cycle (usually every month) where everything will be fine and happy, and then he just decides he doesn’t love me or want to be with me. His apologies after that moment and my reaction (always sadness) becomes more intense. But, I buy into his apology and hope and hope that he won’t do it again.
I find myself increasingly becoming “needy” (as he puts it) and too nice to him (like I think if I am sweet and kind to him, he will return the favor). I feel like I am walking on egg shells with him. You see even though he is rejecting me, he won’t totally REJECT me… he always keeps me around or he never says “yes” or “no”… or just “I don’t know”. If I have all the requisite qualities of a girlfriend that he loved before, why now can’t he commit to me? I feel like I did something wrong maybe?
Now, right before my birthday, I found out (from him) that he didn’t feel romantic feelings for me and that he was in love with his ex-girlfriend. This, of course, did not stick, and he changed his mind 2 days later, telling me that he DID feel romantic feelings for me and he didn’t care about her anymore, and he told me that I shouldn’t worry about it because it was just a “bad dream”.
I feel hurt and angry and lonely. I would never treat anymore like this, so shouldn’t I deserve better? I don’t know WHY he is doing this when he used to be so different, and that is making me very depressed. How should I act towards him? What can I do to solve this problem and help myself?
Confused Cancer
United States
Dear Confused,
You’re 27 years old and you have lost your mother. I feel terribly sad for you and I want to do what you ask. I want to help you solve your problem and help yourself and the first thing I want you to know is your boyfriend’s inability and/ or unwillingness to help you through this crisis is not a reflection on you.
Also, his criticizing and calling you “needy” during a time when anyone with a beating heart would have enhanced needs is cold and uncalled for.
Now it sounds to me as if you are functioning very well. A little too well maybe and I get it. Losing your mother is a terrible blow and the last thing you want to do is lose your boyfriend simultaneously. Anyone with half a brain would do anything in their power to prevent something like this; however it may not be possible. It may be he is not the one for you and you are going to suffer a total life crisis at this juncture.
And I am sorry to say that but I don’t know how to avoid saying it – because this guy is not helping you, now when you need him the most. And does that sound like someone you want as a life partner?
Look. I am so sorry. But I think you have been staving off the grieving you are going to have to do and I don’t think your boyfriend is going to magically turn competent which means you are on your own… sort of.
You are on your own except for the fact that there are support groups everywhere… and if I were you I would get hooked up with them immediately. This is one way you can take care of yourself without relying on him and it is possible if you do this it will take some pressure off him and perhaps (?) he will be able to better respond. But either way, you will be taking a positive step and you are almost sure to make new friends – which it sounds like you could really use.
I am so sorry for your loss. Much love and good luck.
~~
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Triple Capricorn With Venus and Mars in Aquarius Wonders Which Direction To Take
Dear Elsa,
I am a scholarship student (and senior) at a well-known small liberal arts school. I have been blessed to enjoy the opportunity of exploring my passions through my studies. After high-achieving for years, I now have several career opportunities awaiting action.
Many of the opportunities carry heavy prestige and an “international” focus but with high burn-out potential. I’ve also privately lost much of the idealism necessary to work in such jobs in good faith. However, my family expects me to at least gain a job with prestige, as even my getting to go to this school was a huge step up for us.
At the same time, I feel strongly driven to learn music as it is my secret and true passion. I have already trained successfully in the visual arts and creative writing, so I know the demands of that sort of vocation. I feel absolutely torn.
Do I take one of the “pragmatic” career-track jobs, using my potential to make my family proud? Do I pursue a financially insecure course of “day jobs” to live my dreams and potentially fail? I just don’t know what my “duty” is anymore.
Thanks,
Encumbered Capricorn
United States
Dear Capricorn,
Without a doubt, your duty is to yourself. Your parents had a life. They have their own life now too, and this one is yours to live.
That said, the fact you feel some responsibility towards them is part of your nature. It’s an authentic feature of your personality, so this is why you feel the way you do – and I think you can count on it preventing you from running off to join the circus anytime soon. People are endlessly complex and you are no exception to that, but to try to simplify – this is a quick sketch of you:
- Venus and Mars in Aquarius wants to innovate and make its own rules.
- Pluto in the tenth house wants a powerful job.
- Your packed twelfth house wants to escape – to merge with something universal through music, and your planets in Sagittarius wants to expand via travel and education.
But you are also a triple Capricorn and there is no getting away from that. Your life in large part is about hard work. Your life is a job, and your job is to actualize your entire personality… so I would suggest you forget the idea of drastically amputating this or that part of you and the investment you’ve made in yourself. Instead, think about how you can allow all these parts of yourself expression. Be creative. Working this out is your task this life.
Good luck.
~~
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Critical, Controlling Sagittarius Man With Family, Relationship Issues: Moon Pluto Conjunct in Libra
Dear Elsa,
I’ve moved back to spend some time with my family, after being away for about 10 years with no visits at all for the last 5 years or so. I’ve never been very into my family and while I’ve kept it “cordial” with them over the years, we’ve been having very exaggerated blowups since I returned.
Also a few months ago I suddenly started realizing a lot of things: that I felt very hurt by them since early childhood, that I spent most of my teenage years feeling completely detached from and oblivious of them, and that I was glad to get the hell out of the country at 17.
Further, I realized that I’m terrified of getting into any more relationships with women because I’ve gone from being a nice guy whenever I’m involved in a relationship, to kind of a scary, controlling freak. I always project upon women as if they’re a crazy, demanding bitch… but I’m not even sure what’s what anymore
Now I’d like to figure out what my way out of my issues is. Since I’ve been back, I pick on everything they do, criticize them mercilessly and they’re shocked. I don’t want to be this way, but it seems like I can’t have a discussion without having a fight. I returned in a very good mood and eager to rejoin my family, and instead I’ve been a wreck, lying in bed for the last few months, and letting several good career opportunities slide.
I don’t want to be an asshole and shred their self-confidence, even if I’m being honest. Then I’ll be just like them! Help!
Man With Issues
United States
Dear Issues,
It is clear that you have problems and need help beyond what I can offer in an advice blog. But perhaps I can give you some clues that will send you in the right direction.
First, you have no separation with your family. I don’t care if you traveled around the world and thought yourself independent: you carry their energy. The way I like to put it is, you have swallowed them whole. They live in you.
If you question this, go look in the mirror. Whose eyes are those? Whose eyebrows? You can see the physical manifestation of this, and I assure you this merge with your family takes place on other (all) levels.
So using this analogy, you can comb your (inherited) hair however you want. You can dye your hair or shave your head… but you can be sure that when your hair grows out, it’s going to be what? It is going to be your family hair. And you cannot escape this even if it is horribly disturbing to you.
And having Libra and a packed 7th house, I sure you want it to be them not you.
And having Aquarius rising I am sure you want to see yourself as an individual.
And having your Sun conjunct Neptune in Sagittarius, I am sure you want to be a high-minded spiritual sort.
But the fact remains, you have your family’s energy. The only way you are going to be able to resolve your problems is by understanding this, accepting and integrating it… so that ultimately you can have command of it and I’ll give you an example.
It is well and widely known that I was raised by a criminal and in fact I am not an innocent. I cop to having inherited a criminal mind and I use it on a daily basis to write this blog… which I feel is a high-minded service.
You can do the same with your family’s negative energy… but not until and unless you acknowledge you have been passed this baton.
Good luck.
~~
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21 Year Old Loves Her Dad, Has Struggled For 6 Years To Get Along With Stepmother
Dear Elsa,
My dad remarried for the 5th time when I was 14. Instantly his wife placed herself, like a wall, between my father and I. For example: if I’d go visit my father for the weekend, it was always “family time” or “her son and my father time”. I wasn’t allowed to spend time with just my dad. That made me really resent her. Gradually I stopped visiting at all.
Earlier this year (I was 20), I finally got a chance to spend time with my dad. He’s a truck driver and he picked me up on one of his runs. My daughter and I went with him on the truck. By the second day on the truck with him, my step mother was already complaining because – according to her – he spends more time with me than her youngest son. She had a big, yelling, hissy fit over the fact I got to be with my dad alone for the first time in 6 years.
Anyway, with age I grew proverbial balls. Over the weekend we were at his house, and I stood up for myself. I was very crisp and rude when it came to her trying to control my daughter, because I was sick and tired of her attitude, I couldn’t take it anymore. Anyway it didn’t matter to her, she still disrespected my authority over my own daughter, and was very controlling the whole visit.
The morning we left on the truck with my dad; it was early. It was pick up and go; at 5am, he’d be dropping us home. Dad and his wife were screaming at each other, arguing like hell over something or other (they fight all the time). Out of the blue she yelled, “AND THAT LITTLE BITCH COULDN’T SAY GOODBYE!?” Was I supposed to interrupt them to say it? I fully intended to (because I am still a shy, polite person in the long run), but I couldn’t have gotten a word in if I wanted to. I was waiting for a break in the conversation.
For the rest of that day, she called every 1/2 hr to an hour complaining because I didn’t say goodbye to her. Anyway – obviously I made it back home, and promptly cried my eyes out because I didn’t want the time to end with my dad. I swore to myself that I’d ask again next year to go visit him again, if I am able.
I really would like to know some tips, anything that you can think of that can help me to stop breaking down like a five yr old when it comes to my dad. I’m grown up now; it is time to move on. I don’t know what to do to finally get over the pain I feel when it comes to my father and his wife. I’m ready to move on from the pain. I couldn’t even type this out without crying. HELP!
An Ex Daddy’s Girl
United States
Dear Girl,
Your stepmother sounds hideous and I’m sorry you’re hurting. Your question is good one and I do have some ideas. First, give yourself some credit. You sound pretty healthy to me, in spite of how traumatic these last six years have been for you and I think you ought to be proud.
And on your pain, I hate to further rush your growing up, but the fact is you have a very difficult chart. I do think it will help if you understand things now that most people don’t have to grasp until they are closer to 30. So please forgive me for further ruining your childhood by smashing your illusions, but I really can’t see any other way to ease this for you.
See, the real way to fix this is rewind it back to when you were 14 and have it not play this way, but that’s not possible. You can only go forward, so… the main way you can feel better is to detach from your father some. And I don’t mean, love him less. I just want you to try to see him (at least momentarily) less as “Daddy” and more as a human being, with flaws and limitations. Because this is what he is.
For example, your Dad needs a wife. He can’t do without one; he has been married five times! Which means he has been divorced four times, which must mean he’s not perfect! So this woman, though she may be a banshee, is in your father’s life because he can’t do without her . And this makes it a marriage between two flawed human beings, which is the case in all marriages.
Now if you can look at it this way (and eventually you will), you can begin to move away from your 14-year-old-girl hurt feelings and towards the more mature, 30-year-old woman’s perspective that lies in your future. Seeing and accepting your father as a flawed human being and his wife as another flawed human being changes everything and this will bring relief.
This is not to say you should not be crying and mourning your loss, because there has been an authentic loss. But you asked for a trick, so there it is. Your father’s wife is hurting your 14 year old self… still. At 30, she will have no such power. So as soon as you’re ready, take the leap. Hit “hyperspace” and you will never again have to feel the way you did when you wrote this letter.
Good luck.
~~
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