Dear Ex,

I am sorry to say it sounds as if a pretty severe chasm has formed between you and your friend. And I am not sure if you can salvage the relationship or if she will flow back to you at some point but I do think you should take some steps to get yourself clean in this. And I chose the word “clean” deliberately, because you have Venus (relationships) in Virgo and you will never feel right leaving the things mussed up and askew. So here’s a plan. Take a lesson from my Virgo editor, HQ:

Like you, HQ really values his relationships. And he’s lost a few friends along the way, a couple to sudden, unexpected suicide and this has led him to develop a philosophy around friendship.

These days he gives everything he has to his relationships and he considers himself to be a very good friend. However, if someone doesn’t want him for a friend, he accepts this and he copes with the loss by knowing that he did the best he could.

Not the superficial best. Not the pointing-fingers-at-the-other-person, best, but his authentic best. And if he’s done this – if he’s given his all – then he can move on peacefully knowing there was nothing more he could have done.

So in your situation, never mind your friend’s pathology. I would suggest you dig deep and make one final statement. You know. Communicate!! Let her know exactly how you feel and what she means to you, leaving out any comment about what you think her flaws may be. When you get it right, send it to her and then let it go.

She’ll either be back or she won’t and with time it will make sense. For example, if you do wind up with a best friend void, eventually the universe will fill it. And wait’ll you get a load of what the new gal brings!

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Friend,

I think you should try to save the friendship and the best way to do that is to do absolutely nothing. You have a 12 year history here. You are a moral person and a supportive friend and I don’t think there is anyway in the world she is going abandon you in favor him over time. Here is the likely reality of this situation…

Your friend is embarrassed. She’s ashamed. She’s knows she’s been taken by this man, but she’s attached. She wants it to come out okay. She wants to salvage this somehow and blah, blah, blah. Basically she is tumbling. And you are there… or you were there, to help her try to ground. But she can’t do it yet. She just can’t or I am sure she would.

So she’s going to go a little further down this road. But I doubt she goes too far. She likes quality people! We know this, because she’s had you in her life for 12 years! So is she going to forget all that? I don’t think so. I think she is in pain and in chaos. And right now, you can do nothing but make it worse.

Because she already knows what you think. She knows what she thinks too. She just can’t act right now. And having you as a moral compass breathing down her neck (this is probably how it would feel to her) is not helpful. Either is apologizing. Apologizing for what? You did nothing wrong!

I say, just get one more message to her: “I’m here and I love you no matter what.” And that’s it. After that, just wait.

And be prepared to wait awhile because she’s a Taurus and none of them move very quickly. But it’s also because she’s a Taurus that I’m confident she’ll be back. Because Taurus knows quality and this is what they want in their life. And you are quality, while her man is not – so end of story.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Sixteen,

Friends are very important. I think they’re critical if you want to be happy in this life so I definitely think you should try to get your friend back. And it does sound as if you are primarily responsible for the demise of the relationship, although she obviously has play too. But if you’re smart, you’ll forget about what she did or did not do wrong, and just make up for what you did wrong. Because it’s friendship, see? It’s not a contest you can score. And you said yourself you were at fault. You were a prying Scorpio…

So apparently whatever you did, you hurt your friend in the process. She responded by shutting down. And at that point you might have become more sensitive, but instead you insisted she talk to you, confide in you, etc. In essence, you were asking her to take care of you. Can you see that? Your friend is hurt, you’re the reason and now you’re telling her to trust you… and if you stop and feel this out, you’ll see it misguided. And from there it deteriorated further when you decided to insult her by calling her “stubborn” and whatever else you did. Getting the picture here? If you did this to me, I wouldn’t be talking to you either! But that said, you can probably get your friend back.

Just let her know you understand what you did, and how it made her feel. Tell her you are sorry and you will try to be more sensitive in the future… and then do it! You will probably get your friend back, but even more important you will be a better person yourself. This action will lead you to be a more sensitive in the future, and this would be Scorpio at its best.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Scorpio,

I am pretty sure you can keep your friend but only if you’re willing to get back into his comfort zone and stay there. Because it seems you were fine up until two things occurred. Number one, you had trouble in your marriage and number two, you told him about it.

Because the way you tell this story, the two of you did not discuss your intimate, personal lives. He knew you were married, you knew he had serious relationships, and that was it. It was a friendship. But now it seems you’re shifting and he simply does not want to go where you might. Can you accept that?

If you can, you only need to go back to what was working. That is, you’re married and you keep your hands off him. And if you get divorced… well that might be a different story. But this story is the story you’re living at the moment and it seems to me this guy does not want to be in your primary relationship in any way shape or form.

Also, just because you felt a connection, I would not assume he felt the same or even similar. And the guy who told you the Virgo had the hots for you?

In my experience when a man tells a woman that, it is HIM who has the hots for her. And maybe the other guy does too. I don’t know. But you get the idea.

Your friend is not interested in making more of your relationship, at least not now, not under these circumstances. I don’t blame him and in fact, I think he’s smart. You’d be rebounding, you know?

It could be his (subtle) rejection of you is his way of being a good friend.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Mizz

You wrote me 3 times. It’s obvious you want my opinion, so here it is:

You are going to have no problem getting, having or keeping a “best friend” as soon as you decide this is what you really want. Right now, it seems you would rather say “Bollocks!” And it’s cute. That’s very cute, as is your rant on the best friends con game and your drama emo-ness. So I figure this is working for you on some level. You like to be besieged! But if you ever change your mind and actually want to form a friendship that functions, you’re going to have to be a lot more sensitive and lot less ready to amputate and paint the whole thing black.

For example, your friend who had the new beau when you were in crisis? Well turns out, people are human. And if you want to keep your friends, sometimes you have to contain your angst when you see they are preoccupied… in this case with their happiness.

Ask yourself this: why should she come to be miserable with you? Why not you go to be happy with her? Why are you abandoned? Wasn’t she abandoned as well? She got a boyfriend and you cut the rope!

You get the idea. You’ve got Venus in Scorpio conjunct Pluto. You’re got Saturn conjunct your Sun and Moon. As long as you see things through your current lens, I guarantee you that every relationship you have will fail and disappoint you. But you’re a Double Sagittarius! So perspective to the rescue! And here’s a short tale to show you how this works…

One of my close friends goes up every time I go down and vice versa.

“How are you?” she asked me yesterday.

“Great.”

“I figured you probably were. I figured you were doing better because I took a dive…”

This never fails. So think about that.

I don’t expect her to mourn just because I’m hurting. She is empathetic and compassionate but she still goes on her hot date, you know?

And if I were you, I’d dump her for that. I’d call myself, betrayed! But instead, I understand my friends are having lives independent from mine and simply can’t be on call for my black mood, 24 hours a day. And it goes both ways of course. I am allowed to have fun while they suffer as well.

So like I said. If you can learn to do this, you will have no trouble at all coming up with an inner circle (Scorpio)… a stable (Sadge) of loyal friends. And if you want to call one of them “best”, then you right ahead!

Good luck

~~
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Dear Torn,

I really don’t think he’s playing games with you. I think he is telling you the exact truth about who he is and what he wants. Obviously he likes talking to you and so long as you remain willing, I am sure this will continue. But he is very clear how he feels about a “relationship”.

Not everyone wants to be in a relationship. This is very important to understand. Maintaining a love relationship, that is having a boyfriend / girlfriend takes a tremendous amount of energy and not everyone wants this kind of commitment or responsibility. And this guy sounds like he is one of those people. And I imagine the reason you have not told him how you feel, and that you want more, is because he’s made it very clear he does not, so you are almost sure to be rejected.

Now I am sorry about this, but understanding it liberates you. This guy is not going to be your boyfriend. Not now and probably not ever. So do you want to keep talking to him? If so, carry on. But realize the relationship is limited. Just pretend you are talking to a gay man, for example. This person is not available to you. Do you still want to talk?

Because he wants to talk to you. And I want you to note this, because you have a lot of Capricorn which is ultra-sensitive to rejection. This man is not rejecting you, personally. He is rejecting “boyfriend-hood” in general, which is certainly within his rights to do.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Friend,

You sound like a great friend! Patient, loving and kind and I think this gal has been lucky to have you in her life because she sounds a bit spoiled and self-absorbed which is her problem, entirely.

Now you are primarily Scorpio and Capricorn which means you are loyal, responsible and can take a lot of shit. These are good qualities right up until they do you in, and I think what you really need is permission to let this girl go. So here it is:

It is okay to let this girl go! Some relationships simply fade – plus it sounds like your new man is offering something that is feeding you on a much deeper level. So I would suggest you focus your energy on him and let this girl figure it out. Or not!

I mean it’s very nice that you have acted big sister to her, but by now she’s an adult, yes? So it’s time for her to be a friend, rather than just have a friend. And if she can’t clutch it up, I would just let her slip through my fingers. Because think about it.

You’re happy right now, which doesn’t come all that easy to Scorpio or Capricorn. And you only have so many friend-slots in your life, so why waste one of them on someone who doesn’t cheer you when you finally manage to win?

You really do sound terrific. Let her go… understanding that if she’s got the stuff, she’ll come to you and heal the relationship. Meantime, look for a much better friend. One who is feels happy when you’re happy.

Much love and good luck.

~~
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Dear Fickle,

Congratulations on defining your problem, plenty of people never manage. You can absolutely learn to relate better to women and with Saturn in aspect to your natal Venus, Moon square, “learn” is the right word. Venus and the Moon relate to women and relationships and your chart shows definite challenges here. To solve them will take some humbling.

With Pluto and Uranus conjunct your Sun in Virgo, you are a very powerful force. It’s not the problem per se. The problem is specific to your ego. It’s huge! With Venus in Leo, your ego is as big as a room and I am afraid you may be a little overboard in believing yourself queen. Because guess what? You are not the only woman who wants to be queen.

If you think about this you can see how you would not have as much trouble with men. It’s because you do not compete with them. They are King to your Queen, so all good! And this is where your answer lies.

If you can learn to humble yourself… to discipline your ego so you can see the Queen in other women, you will be well on your way to forming the long-lasting, supportive relationships with other women you crave.

Good luck.

pictured – Portrait of Queen Victoria, 1859, Franz Winterhalter

Consult with Elsa

Dear Struggles,

When a person dislikes everyone as a matter of routine, invariably it’s because they dislike themselves. And your case is a particularly stark example.

Obviously you are both aggressive and sensitive and this is not the end of the world. Lots of people are similarly equipped. But you cannot isolate these parts of your personality, or squash one so the other can live.

You will find resolution by living as a whole person rather than living one side of yourself and trying to project the other… have someone else live the part of you. And I understand this, because I am similar to you.

See, sometimes people will tell me I am “sweet”. And I hate that! It makes me want to kick their ass!
Then someone will tell me I am abrasive and I’ll say, “No I’m not! I’m really very sweet…. er… you bastard!”

Sound familiar?

And what’s wrong with this? What’s wrong with being a sweet person who will kick your ass? Nothing!

Look. It’s a big world. There is plenty of room for people like me. There is plenty of room for people like you. So I suggest you find a way to appreciate your own nuance as an individual. To love yourself that is, and if you manage this, you’ll have no problem loving others.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Hair,

You’re sixteen and the sooner you can learn this, the better. You don’t run other people’s lives! You don’t get to decide what they feel, or when their feelings stop or start or change. I am sorry. I know you have a lot of Capricorn in your chart which is a natural parent. I know you feel you know what is best for this girl… and perhaps you do. But it’s irrelevant in the face of this universal truth: The only person you can control is yourself.

So check this: How about I turn my Capricorn on yours, so you can see what it’s like?

You say she is making you insane. You are frustrated with her! Well what if I told you that you were making me insane? You are frustrating me, with your obsessive need to control your friend! ::smiles::

See what I mean? It’s none of my business what you do. If you want to manage your friends, that’s your business. If your friend wants to obsess over her ex-boyfriend, that’s her business. Here’s my advice:

Leave your friend to figure things out on her own. Be around her to the extent you can stand it and if you can’t stand it at all, then get a new friend. But check yourself, when you go to lecture and that kind of thing. Because if you take yourself out of the situation… if you detach, I think you can see what I mean.

Picture two girls, both 16. One of them is whining over her boyfriend. The other standing is over her telling her what she ought to do for the 700th time. Which one is sicker, hmm?

Good luck.

~~
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