Dear Girlfriend,

Insight? Yes I have some. You committed prematurely to a man you didn’t really know and don’t even seem to like, most likely because you think this is all you deserve.

Further – rather than recognize the error and cut your losses, you’re spending your time scrutinizing yourself wondering if there is something wrong with you or if there is something you could do differently to make your relationship with this man tolerable. Tolerable?

At best: if you bust your butt, turn inside out and cut off an arm, you might be able to stand this guy. But why, tell me, why would you do that?

I am sorry but I don’t think your relationship is viable. It is a mistake pure and simple and with Saturn transiting your 7th house, it begs you learn from this. And hurry… and I mean that.

I am sorry to hit you so hard but the best thing that could happen is this blog cause you a crisis that ultimately forces you to take a serious look at your behavior in relationships. Because Saturn is at the end of your 7th house not the beginning and if you don’t get hip…. well it will be like graduating from high school illiterate. So here is a crash course:

You met a guy… finally met a guy. Feeling desperate and lonely you pressed for a commitment and if you read through the rest of your post, the whole thing is a bid to control to avoid the doom you are sure is coming! And I ask you, is this any way to live?

Now he is hopeless as far as an honest relationship goes and there is nothing you can do about that, but you can work on yourself and this is what I would do. Get a therapist! And please don’t be insulted by that. I had to get a therapist! And thank God I did, it was the best money I ever spent!

I’ll apologize one more time, but I can’t stress this enough. Forget the guy and get some help. You’re heading into your Saturn return, in the 8th house no less and this stuff needs to be addressed. When? Now. Just get yourself to a therapist and tell them what you just told me and you’ll be on your way.

I know you’re scared but do it anyway – because your life and happiness are at stake and you are worth it. And for the record, you can totally and absolutely heal and pull out of this. You just need the right associations and this guy is not one of them.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Girlfriend,

Saturn is transiting your Sun in Leo and are you humbled yet? I don’t think so. It sounds to me like you have given this man a very hard time and I am pretty sure your fears are justified. He probably does want out. He probably does want the other woman. Do you blame him?

And I don’t say this to hurt you. I say it because if you want to have a shred of hope of keeping this man, you’re going to have to apologize and be a hell of a lot more humble than you sound in your mail when you do. And I am pretty sure if you can’t manage this, you will lose this man if you have not lost him already. So do you want to keep him? Or not?

If you don’t want to keep him, just do as is. Sit there and think of yourself. Hope and pray he doesn’t leave you because of what it will do to you. Meantime, this other woman will treat him like a human being and I am sure he will find the door here pretty quick.

On the other hand: if you want to keep him, you best get down on your knees and start apologizing and you better mean everything you say. Grow up, as in yesterday and deal with this man in a way that is responsible. Cop to what you did, and why you did it. Tell him how you are not going to do it anymore and what steps you are going to take to insure this is the case so that you might possibly regain his trust.

Are you up to this? I don’t think you are. I think you’re going to sit there and wait for him to fix it for you, rather than clutch it up yourself. But feel free to get mad as hell and prove me wrong.

Good luck.

Dear Hopeful,

You’re asking very good questions. First on the guy at work: it’s very hard for a man to engage a woman who does not give him energy. For example if you told this guy you would rather have cancer than be intimate with him and roared laughing as if he were the fool of the century for suggesting he was going to follow you around, I bet you’d shrink that dick down and be rid of this guy in about 2 seconds. So why don’t you do that?

Well I’ll tell you why. It’s because he fits your pattern. He is a difficult man who is not available for commitment, and even if he was available, you wouldn’t want him. Because you already know he’s a cheater, yes? And you’re a Scorpio! You don’t want this guy. So what are you doing, hmm?

If you ask me, you’re wasting time. Time that is precious if you are 33 years old and you want children. So here’s my advice:

Dump the guy at work and know exactly why you’re doing it. You’re doing it because it’s a dumb and destructive game. And worse than that, it is distracting and disabling you from using your energy in a way that might heal your problems and allow you to have the life you say you want.

Once you’re clear, your main job will be to stay that way. By that I mean no more going down garden paths with commitment-phobic men. You simply don’t have the time. But get this loud and clear:

Women who routinely get involved with men who won’t or can’t commit are invariably commitment-phobic themselves and you are no exception. If it is of any comfort to you, I am also no exception! So I think your friends are off base when they say you scare men and so forth. This is not the issue! You choose the men purposefully (even if sub or semi-consciously) so at the end of the movie, you get free. And unless you can dig in there and come to terms with the fact this all originates in you I am afraid you’ll be doomed to repeat this pattern for the rest of your life.

The need for space is in your chart – as is the potential for real love later in life – but you are going to have to do some work, and take some responsibility too. The guy at work is wasting your time. If you are willing to do what you have to do to make him stop, perhaps when you find a man who is not wasting your time, you’ll be willing (and able) to do what you have to do to make him stay. But all this panic and victim hood and hand-wringing has got to stop. Because are you really that powerless? I find this hard to believe.

Good luck

~~
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Dear Brokenhearted,

I think you are still questioning yourself because her perfume lingers and you are just not ready to let go. So let me help you by outlining a few things.

You have a lot of Pisces and this woman is oppressing you. She is quite cold and definitely mistreated you when she took off without explanation some months ago.

Pisces has an attraction to being mistreated… to sacrificing themselves, but that’s only part of the story here. Because you have significant Scorpio in your chart as well and I think this woman allows you access and experience your deep feelings when she cuts you the way she does.

Now it’s fine if you like this. You can stay where you are for as long as you want, but if you want to move through this and experience a breakthrough, or merely something new you could turn your attention away from how bad and sad this is for you and acknowledge the fact you are attracted to bad boys (women) and perhaps even embrace it. Because if you will allow this predilection of yours to become more conscious, you’ll be left with choices – which is something you don’t have at the moment.

For example, you could go looking for another danger-girl but this time with purpose. Alternately you could be the danger-girl yourself.

You could also decide this pattern has a psychological cause you want to resolve so you can settle in with someone more like you (as you express yourself today). Someone who wants to settle into a committed, loving relationship, that is. But please be advised, danger-girls don’t do that. This is like having a lemon tree in your yard, hoping it grows you some pineapples.

So this is my advice: Figure out if you want lemons, pineapples, kiwi or whatever else, and go get it. But never, ever consider yourself a victim.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Girlfriend,

Well I think you should stay at least for now! You say you love this man to bits and that’s pretty rare… especially after 8 years, as I am sure you know. So if it were me, I would try very hard to work through this.

I don’t see how you can get out without making an effort, so what might help is committing to making the effort. You’ve got a lot of Taurus and you need stability. I know you are in a lot of pain, but it sounds as if your relationship is pretty strong and probably worth saving.

So if you opt in this direction… essentially making a decision, you may find things ease a little right away and perhaps the next steps to take will emerge.

For example, your man may need to get a new job. Or the two of you may really want to talk through this cheating thing at a deep enough level that a paradigm shift takes place, and your commitment to each other becomes stronger than ever. You get the idea…

But I wouldn’t bolt. Not when you love him to bits! Not when he’s sorry. And not when he is willing to made amends and work on your relationship.

One more thing. Here’s a resource for you and anyone wishing to save their marriage / relationship. Best book I know for couples wanting to keep it together… non-religious, by the way. Divorce Remedy: The Proven 7-Step Program for Saving Your Marriage

Good luck!

~~
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Dear Phobe,

You have an extremely challenging chart as far as settling into relationship goes… and delineating the entire chart is beyond the scope of this column. But I can offer some tips on how you can start to progress towards your goal (that I think others can benefit from as well).

The way you’ll solve this is by getting to know yourself very, very well. So that means, forget about your Pisces man for the moment. Because he could be anyone. You can put anyone in his slot and you are still going to be you – and what I want you to see, is yourself.

To do this, you will have to pay attention. How do you feel when you have urges to bolt? Are you bored? Do you feel you could do better? Get a better man? Is some single friend out having a good time?

Are you sick of the sexual demands? Is it all just too much trouble? Is the reality of a relationship that you have to sustain just not as interesting as the startup of a new one? Do you wonder if the next sex (with a new partner) might be better?

I could go on and on and you should. Try to figure out what is triggering you. Try to understand how you tick!

Because it really is about you, ticking independently from what the other person does. Don’t forget that. Pisces man, Libra man, Scorpio man, Leo man. You are still going to come up with these feeling of disillusionment. But if you can gain awareness of how this constellates, you will be in a position to try to work with them. It’s just like anything else you want to change.

Say you’re afraid of public speaking, so you avoid it. But now you’re in your 30′s and want to master it. So you face your fear! And as you walk up to the podium to speak you’re going to want to bolt! But you remind yourself you’ve taken a new path for x, y and z reason and you continue to the podium, step up and make your speech.

And for a commitment-phobic who wants to be in relationship, it’s the same. You will have the impulse to leave but you can override it if you decide you want to move forward more than you want to go ’round and ’round and ’round.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Heart,

I don’t believe you don’t enjoy breaking hearts. I think you love breaking hearts and get some kind of ego boost off it. Can you stop? Of course! But I don’t imagine you will anytime soon.

I see the T-Square in your chart. And I believe you seduce these men for the sole purpose of cutting their throats in some misguided show of your prowess… and eventually this will backfire. It’s as if you are a massive alcoholic who has just started drinking. He/she thinks she can go on like this forever, but this is an illusion. Eventually you will wake up and find yourself bereft. If you’re lucky that will be soon but I’m not holding my breath.

In the future you will hit the wall. And at that point, you may decide to straighten up and if you do it will be a slow and very painful process. Till then, party on. But don’t think for a minute you aren’t racking up karma because I guarantee there will be hell to pay in the future. If you think the universe, or anyone else, thinks what you are doing is cute or special, think again.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Scared,

Yep, you’re on to it. Part of you wants to be in a relationship and part of you wants out! And you’re right. It has nothing to do with the man. You’re a commitment-phobic who craves relationships and this is hard-wired.

As for the astrology, anyone with their Moon in the 7th house is going to have an emotional need to be partnered. PERIOD.

But you’re an Aquarius rising. And you have Uranus in hard aspect to your Sun. And you have Jupiter conjunct your Mars and square your Venus. And all of this shrieks “Don’t fence me in!” And if you want evidence of this, just check your email address…

Your email address is how you identify yourself, right? And yours is the equivalent of FreeSpirit@blahblah.net. So how is that person going to be married, huh? ::smiles:: You’ll be jacked up from day 1!

So I don’t know what you’re going to do about this. How you resolve it will be very personal, but I can tell you it can be done because I am just like you and I’ve done it. There is a way to be both partnered and free. So you’re on the right track with your consciousness of this. And hopefully the clarity will help to kick you to the next level.

Bottom line, you need to make your own rules when it comes to relationships. Anything traditional will fail. And this may sound bad to you today, but it is what it is and understanding yourself is the key.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Libra Rising,

You’ve got a true conundrum here and though I can’t solve it for you, I can define it and you can take it from there.

You say you are in love. You’re very happy and things are heavenly but then you go on to complain and outline your fears. So at first glance a person might think, she’s already happy, isn’t that enough? Someone might wonder, “Does she want to be happy? Or committed?”

Because oddly enough, these men who don’t commit so well (and a double Gemini certainly qualifies) seem to please you on one level. But there is more than one level, isn’t there?

See the Double Gemini (an air sign) is an excellent complement to your Sun and Moon in fire and this is what is so heavenly. With an Aries Moon, and an 11th house Sun, you are quite independent and basically having no problem at all.

But you have a t-square involving Saturn (serious) and Venus (relationship). And this side of you desperately wants a commitment and you go as far as to berate yourself and call yourself a fool when one does not materialize.

And in your current relationship it manifests as fear. Oh no! What if he doesn’t marry me! And you apparently forget the fact that your relationship is excellent and thriving.

So what I would suggest you do is examine your goal. Do you want a marriage or a happy relationship? Because let me clue you in to something disturbing: If you get some stodgy committed guy, you may be married but the fire side of you is going to go feel restricted and go crazy with boredom. Ain’t that a bitch?

But this is who you are so if I were you, I’d be thinking about how I was going manage this, as opposed to chasing something I think will solve all my ills when it won’t.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Girlfriend,

No I don’t think you should lay off, provided you know what you want. Do you want to be married? Are you sure of this? If you are sure this is what you want, then it is completely reasonable for you to communicate this to your boyfriend, and at 40 years old he ought to be able to respond and let you know if he has a similar desire.

Now from the tone of your email, it does seem you are trying to herd him somewhere he is not really wanting to go. But backing off in an attempt to take the pressure off him with the hopes of advancing your agenda… well, this is where you will be getting into trouble.

See, it’s all very false. You’re going to act like you don’t care if you marry or not and then if he doesn’t marry you, you’re going to cry foul? See how jacked up that is?

I say if you really want to marry, then you need to invest in a marriage-minded man. And if this guy is not inclined in that direction, you need to find that out so you can move along and the best way to do that is directly. Work to get, work to keep! Remember that. But beyond all this, here’s a little tip regarding your chart:

You have conflicting desires around this issue of marriage, like so many of us do. You’re a Cancer with a Venus Saturn conjunction and you definitely want commitment for security purposes but this is not the whole book on you.

You’re got other indications of being a freedom loving commitment-phobe yourself and I think he is living this side of you. Get it? He doesn’t commit which spares you having to commit!

Just think about it, okay? Think about having this guy committed to you 100%. Can you feel the itch?

And I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. It’s just that some people spend a whole hell of a lot of time chasing something they think they want, when what will really satisfy them is a whole different deal.

Good luck.

~~
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