Gerald G. May writes in "Addiction and Grace: Love and Spirituality in the Healing of Addictions":

“Addiction exists wherever persons are internally compelled to give energy to things that are not their true desires.”

Sobering, huh?

Do you give energy to your true desires?

Dear Taurus,

It’s very simple. You’re and addict and she is your drug of choice. Check this:

Dear Elsa,

I decided to snort some cocaine. It made me feel good. I felt things I have never felt before.

I felt so good, I spent twice then three times what I ever intended, so I could get some more of that shit up my nose, but it just didn’t deliver the thrill it once did.

I tried to walk away, but felt bereft with no thrill, so I went back and spent some more energy and money, trying to recapture that old feeling, which was now so elusive. Jeez! That cocaine is such an enigma. Do you think I should continue to try to figure it out?

Cokehead

Dear Cokehead,

Cold turkey, babe. Leave and don’t look back.

Good luck,

Elsa

~~
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Dear Woman,

Your man is doing all the classic alcoholic/abuser things and if you go back to him in any capacity, you will be doing all the classic co-dependent/abuse victim things. So is this what you want? I don’t think so. But you need support. Because what you are trying to do is very challenging. And I’ll get to that, but first let me answer your questions…

Yes, it is possible someone can recover from this level of pathology – but I would imagine it might take five years (give or take) of diligent effort consistently applied and the odds this guy is going to do that are virtually ZERO.

And you can loop around with him as long as you like. I am sure he will go ’round with you as many times as you will allow but personally, he sounds ultra-dangerous to me and I would urge you not just to stay away from him, but to take any means possible to secure your safety.

Because he’s choking you, okay? And he’s probably in blackout when he does it. Who knows! He’s in an altered state. He is out of control. And your showing up at a session with a therapist is going to do nothing but waste your time. Don’t you have enough problems? I think you do.

We’re talking about a 45 year old man, here. You don’t think he can figure it out? You think it’s your job to figure it out for him? I disagree.

Look. Get yourself hooked up with Al-Anon. Get yourself hooked up with support for battered women. Get yourself this excellent book with a very stupid and misleading title, "Getting Them Sober"because it is the best book in the entire world for a woman like you (read the reviews).

If you have trouble finding Al-Anon in Costa Rica, you can participate online here: Al Anon Family Group Message Board

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Virgo,

You’re happy and I think you should try to stay that way. It sounds as if your husband has problems that are profound and pervasive and I don’t think there is anything you can do to help him with them, except maybe stay away.

I think it’s great your husband says he wants to work on his issues… but talk and do are two different things. If he wants you back, let him make a significant investment in his recovery. Not just his addiction and his anger, but what’s up with these mood swings, hmm?

It’s fairly apparent that your husband has multiple problems that are deeply rooted… perhaps they are organic, and your being in the picture only serves to confuse and complicate it. So I would recommend you stay on the path you’re on. You’re happy, right!! Stay that way. This is best for you, best for your baby and ultimately it is best for him.

And if he goes six months or a year without his porn, his blaming, his anger, his whatever… then maybe you can think about re-attaching. But to be honest, I really doubt you’ll want to. Because father of your child or not, what’s this guy got to offer anyway? Not much. I think you’ll have a much better life without him and in fact this is already happening.

Good luck,
Elsa

~~
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Dear Sexless,

Things clarify when you stop focusing on what someone else is doing and consider your own experience and actions. And you asked for my opinion and if I were you I would be getting a divorce right now. However, I am not you. But I’ll tell you how I would arrive at this decision, and hopefully this will help you think your own thoughts and arrive at your own decision.

Whether you are talking about a lover or a friend, it makes no difference. When someone close to you is doing something that bothers you, all you can do is tell them how you feel and ask them to stop. And they either will, or they won’t. And you can ask them again… and again, and again and again. And you can do all kinds of hijinks, but I have always thought this was pretty stupid.

I asked once, I asked twice. The person did not respond and I am not going to turn myself into some harping hag-person over some other person’s behavior. I am not going to spend my time trying and pleading to get someone to do something. Instead I am going to keep it very simple by asking myself if whatever the person is doing is a deal-breaker for me, or not.

So in this case, your husband has made it clear that he is going to beat off all over the place to whatever he can find. So how do you feel about that? How much does it bother you? How much do you miss having sex?

I consider sex as important as food. I have simply got to have this kind of exchange to feel whole and healthy, so if I found myself committed to a man who was jacking off in front of a computer all day… and I asked him to do something with my body and instead he picked up the phone to have sex with I have no idea who? Well I would be leaving the relationship within about one minute!

But someone else may feel differently. I am well aware a lot of men use porn, and a lot of women use toys! You know. He’s got his porn, and she’d got her Rabbit. And this is somewhat amusing to me and it seems fine provided both parties are happy. And there are some women who aren’t all that interested in sex in the first place, so glad their husband is occupied. But I want to have real sex with a real man, real often! I want a real exchange, real intimacy, etc. so given the circumstances you describe, if your husband were mine, he’d sit down in front of the computer and by the time he turned around and got up, I’d be gone without so much as a backwards glance.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Double.

Your Sun and Moon are in the 7th house of your chart which gives very strong co-dependent tendencies, basically because you simply do not want to be alone. And this desire to be partnered can be so strong that any relationship, even one that is absolutely horrible like this one, is better than nothing. And if you can understand this, you can begin to untangle your confusion.

See, you are concerned about him and how the two of you relate. You think of the balance and the give and take.

He on the other hand, doesn’t think of you at all. It sounds like he uses your body now and then (gee, thanks) but outside of that it’s pretty obvious not just from the porn but the entire history of your relationship that this is a very self-centered man. So self-centered that your needs don’t even enter his picture. And I have just the words for you.

Recently I read astrologer Michael Lutin’s book, “SunShines: The Astrology of Being Happy”, and my favorite sentence in the entire book was this: “A relationship… a real relationship, takes two people. Not one person and one vegetable…”

::smiles::

I am sorry, but your man is a vegetable. And it seems he has no desire whatsoever to do anything about that, so I think you ought to leave him on the next train. And check this:

Forget his porn. Who cares what he does? What about your own need to be sexually satisfied, hmm? This guy ain’t cuttin’ it!

So I say, get out there and find a man who can… and will. But just watch yourself, okay? Make sure the next man you hook up with has an authentic desire to relate to another human being because if not, you’re going to wind up right where you are now, ‘cept you’ll be another year older.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Mistress,

Obviously your man is a deeply disturbed liar and I don’t think he needs love and understanding but a swift kick in the ass.

As for you, you sound like a heroin addict. And as long as you want to stick that needle in your arm, there is not much anyone can do for you.

It’s obvious you like your pain, because your post makes it clear you do not want to stop this behavior. With your Moon conjunct Jupiter in Pisces, it seems you relish this masochistic relationship and your dissociated state.

You’re watching a movie? Come on! This is real life and you’re screwing some pregnant woman’s disturbed husband.

And I have to tell you, I think you’re well matched with him, like two drug addicts or two hopeless alcoholics. But please understand if the rest of us shake our heads and walk away. Because you’re the only one who finds this interesting or fascinating in some way. The rest of us think you need to sober up, and the sooner the better.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Helpless,

You may be in momentary shock… this would certainly be understandable but you are not helpless. In fact your chart is strongly Cardinal (commanding) and I have no doubt you will ultimately assimilate this information, decide what you’re going to do and then execute as if a general in the army.

So just know that. Know you’re in there somewhere and you’ll be back. And what I’ll do is parse this situation for you, feeling confident you’ll find your way once you have the information ordered.

Now regarding your husband, obviously he is a liar and a very good liar at that. He has Neptune square his Sun (and his Moon) and he successfully obscured the reality of who he is. And you should probably brace for more information to come to light, because this is usually what happens in a situation like this.

As to what is driving him, I can’t say for sure. But he has a Leo Moon and he clearly needs SCADS of attention. Because he sounds like he gets a good deal at home, yet it’s no where near enough. And based on this, I would say there is something pathological about his behavior. He’s driven, you could say.

You could probably compare this to a drug addict or a drunk. A drunk drinks and in the throes of their addiction tries to convince others that ‘everybody does it…” Everybody gets falling down drunk. Everybody cheats. Which is erroneous of course.

So here’s the thing. You really are a competent person to the extreme. And I think you’d be well advised not to allow him to drag you into his skewed perception of reality, which he is clearly trying to do. And I’ll give you a hard core example of this for reference.

Last week I saw five minutes of the Oprah Winfrey show on NAMBLA (North American Man Boy Love Association) which is all I could stomach. These men who want to have sex with boys have a club. And they actually believe that 8 and 9 and 10 year old boys are out there, just dying to have sex with them… a bunch of pot-bellied pimply pig men in their 50′s, if only parents and the government weren’t so damned oppressive. And they meet with each other and reinforce this freakishly distorted reality.

And you get the idea. Don’t let your husband sell you a NAMBLA type reality. Fact is, what he is doing is wrong and I expect he will need copious amounts of help to stop. This is assuming he wants to stop, which it does not seem to be the case. I’m sorry.

To answer your question specifically, you did nothing wrong and as for my advice… if it were me, I would be looking for the door and once I found it, I’d be through it just as swiftly as possible. And don’t worry about your ability to replace him either, because women who treat men the way you do are always in demand.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Sinking,

The issues here are yours and I don’t say that to attack you. It is you writing me for advice, so it is you I am going to try to assist and empower, first with the addiction question.

I am sorry to tell you, but I agree with your partner. He is an addicted person and you are an addicted person. You are addicted to cigarettes but I would venture to guess you are addicted to him as well. Just think about it, okay? Don’t you crave him? I think you do.

And my point is this: You are a mess. He is a mess. I am a mess and so is everyone else on this planet! And if you’re going to love someone you are going to have to deal with them as they are. With their messes, this is. And it seems you are willing and wanting to do this. You are not saying “get rid of the porn!” If would be fine with me if you did, but you are asking for ways to cope, and grow and transcend, so I am going to try to help you with that.

First, around getting upset over his masturbation, you can change your perspective. Because the fact is, it is his dick. And what he does with his dick is his business.

If this confuses you, just consider your lungs. Whose lungs are they? They’re your lungs. Do you need me telling you what to do with your lungs? Of course not. And he does not need your advice about his dick, either. So just see if you can detach from this. You like to smoke and he likes to beat off. Do you still love him? I bet you do. So just go with that. You love a guy who likes to beat off. He loves a guy who smokes… and none of this makes the sky fall.

Next question: How to change the way you feel about porn…

Well, judging from your chart, with Pluto and Uranus square your Moon and Mercury, I think you may be secretly very interested in all this taboo but repressing it. And this is probably one of the reasons you are so enamored with this man. He experiments! He goes where he is not supposed to go!! And I am suggesting in trying to control him you are actually trying to control yourself.

Try to think along these lines… if you can. And you can. But you’ve got to be willing to innovate here. And to grow. Because it sounds to me like someone tried to control your dick at one time and you are now inflicting this same trauma on your partner.

Is there a way you love each other and both be free? I’d say yes.

Good luck.

~~
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Dear Fiance,

You can block and restrict and whatever else you may think of, and none of it is going to do any good. For one thing, in spite of your Sun Venus in Cancer, you are not this guy’s mother. And even if you were, it still wouldn’t work! And it may help you understand if you take the ‘porn” out of the equation and just think in terms of “addiction” because they all work the same. So lets do that.

Does hiding the bottle from the alcoholic stop them from drinking? It doesn’t. Does hiding the donuts help the overeater? No. Does screaming at someone, “Quit smoking those fucking cigarettes,” do any good? It does not. It doesn’t work when the addict is 16. And you’re 40. So I assume your man is of similar age and what he has is a problem.

He has a problem that you cannot affect in any way at all. Figuring this out… coming to understand this and accept this is your problem. Beyond that, deciding what you want to do is your problem. Do you want to marry a man who is addicted to porn? Personally, I think you should postpone that decision and go educate yourself and I have some leads.

Specific to porn, there is a book out there, “Pornified: How Pornography Is Transforming Our Lives, Our Relationships, and Our Families” which is a comprehensive unbiased look at this subject. The whole book is excellent, and includes very good information specific to porn addiction.

Now once you read that book you’re going to know exactly what you’re dealing with and if you still want to deal, then you are going to have to learn about boundaries and co-dependency. Check the Al-Anon model. “I didn’t cause it, I can’t cure it and I can’t control it…” Because this is the reality.

Now it’s possible your man may decide to get help, or to help himself but you know addicts….

Or maybe you don’t but I do. So I’ll tell you. Some of them get sober but many never do. Most never do. And the ones who do manage do so with tremendous struggle and in their own time. And their own time could be years. Or decades!

For example your man may lose you and three more like you before he decides to confront his addiction. Or he may decide relationship is too much trouble just on principle and opt to just stick with his porn for the rest of his life. After all he’s forty-ish, yes? Old habits die hard.

I am sorry I don’t have better news. However I am confident thse ideas will get you moving on this issue… in whichever direction you decide is best.

Good luck.

~~
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