When your friends don’t like your new beau

I was about 25.  My house needed painting so I had a painting party. My friends came over to help me paint and this guy I had just started dating also came over to help as well.

My friends didn’t like the guy at all. I couldn’t tell you exactly why. One of the men caught my eye and made a thumbs down gesture in regards to my date – his back was turned. I was shocked and embarrassed. He later told me that he didn’t like him the least little bit. He also said that he was not the right kind of man for me.

The man’s failing was mentioned but the complaint was vague. He was new to the area, having moved from Los Angeles. He had progressive taste in music and my group did not. This guy (and presumably his wife, etc.) did not like his guy’s taste. They also didn’t like the (nice) clothing he wore to come paint a house.

These are not things I’d have noticed about a person, or judged, but their disapproval of his “New Wave-ness” had a big effect on me. I have Venus square Neptune and can be easily undermined at times. (see – Whose Values Are These?)  The was especially true when I was younger.

This is the only time this ever happened to me, but I still cringe when I think of it.  I tend to choose men with a lot of charisma, so people who meet them, like them.

Have you ever been in my position in this story? Have you been the disapproving person, or been the new person who was not making the grade? How did you respond?


Comments

When your friends don’t like your new beau — 26 Comments

  1. Yes, one time me and the other girls couldn’t get over the fact that Libra friend had chosen such an odd man, let alone get engaged within 3 weeks. So we decided to go to the bar, complain the whole evening about him, drink, bitch and never let Libra friend know about it.
    Good decision, because here we are years later: she is the only one still married, has two healthy children of 12 and 7 and a thriving company and a lovely home. Comes to show we were wrong.

  2. I’ve been judgmental about quite a few of my friends beaus over the years (meaning, since being a teenager) over certain things: refusing to introduce the friend to others friends (turns out they were cheating), calling them fat, being overly controlling and jealous, being abusive.

  3. What Kashmiri said. I hate sharing my girlfriends with their boyfriends bc I lose my relationship with them. So yes, that makes me skewed in this as well.

    My BFF has been dating this guy for a few years now. Cannot stand him.. He’s the embodiment of douchebaggery. And now… they’re engaged. I threw up in my mouth. Not just a little either. :P

  4. Hah! love these comments. :D I’ve usually been the one dating the man no-one gets. Bless my friends, they try to find the buried treasure. But I have venus in Aquarius and Uranus in the 7th, and I really pick some odd ones. And venus is in the 12th; am also eaasily undermined by others’ views, and tend to isolate myself. Really everyone just needs to handle themselves and get along, I don’t have time to make everyone happy. It’s hard enough to know what I need!

  5. I don’t think I’m wrong for not liking a person who abuses someone I love. ::shrugs::

    I have lost two friends this year due to the partner I chose. It’s no real loss to me. My partner treats me like gold.

  6. I don’t mind sharing my friends, whether it’s with other friends or their partners – *if* they’re with someone really terrific, who is good to them and friendly to me. There have been a couple who were like that, and the others varied from appalling to just dull. My college roommate is married to an awful bully, I just cannot even visit them anymore.

  7. I think I’m built differently. If I brought a new person into a group and they hated him, I’d feel bad for him and instantly sympathetic. My bond with the underdog would probably make me want to stay with him and dump my friends.

  8. I’ve been on both sides of that situation repeatedly. No more! I still hear out input but ultimately I’m the one who has to live with my choices.

  9. I would only tell my friends to stay away from a new partner if he was abusive etc. that are the only reasons. I don’t mind even if their ideals are different from mine or any of those reasons.
    Funny this is, a lot of my friends tell why their with that person or so say things like ‘ oh he’s not that good looking but he’s a nice person’ I’m not sure why but I figured my opinion matters in some way? Like a confirmation for them. I just remain neutral as its their choice and you never know what may come of it.

  10. I couldn’t exactly argue with the reasons that people didn’t like a boyfriend. I’d be like, “I know, I know…he’s working on it.” Except uh, he wasn’t, so there you go.

  11. I’ve been on both sides. When I was the “bad” significant other, it turned out that the people who didn’t like me had a crush on the guy and I was in the way. As for friends with “questionable” partners, I mention it once and then shut up; have learned that with relationship issues, people are going to do what they want no matter what anyone says. Of course, the people in the questionable relationships all got married (though the relationships remain questionable).

  12. the one time a friend said she didn’t like him. Well, I should have listened.

    I usually get along well with “his tribe” unless he is bad mouthin me to them.

    One guy I dated for a very short time just wouldn’t talk to me. I heard all about me from his brothers. That was nuts. I was just an event to tell about.

  13. Yes, I have venus opp neptune in my natal chart.

    My friends never liked any of my boyfriends EVER. And oddly enough my friends were right!

  14. I try always to welcome new partners with open arms and closed eyes.. Real hard is if a dear friend has once been in a toxic relationship, worked his way out of it, and has found a new one, who seems to have exactly the same effect as the old one. If your friend seems to be falling directly into a deep hole, when do you start warning, should you get active or wait and help him out of hole which might be much deeper than the previous one…

  15. sure, but I would never express my thoughts. I would be aware it’s just a little bit more than a snap judgement. As such it has no value.
    I’d warn my friends/brother/people close to me only if there were something very bad about that person that I knew and they were unaware of.

  16. I am the one who is always rejected by the friends and/or family…always. And it always seems without cause. Turns out the guys are usually highly controlled by those in their life and those people have trouble letting go of that control and feel threatened by my presence. It always undermines the relationship, always. Too bad too.
    Also, this past relationship, my friends gave me the thumbs down on my beau (first time ever). Made me rethink my friendships actually. They rejected him for not being “cool enough”. I don’t think they saw his positive attributes and it made me realize that they didn’t really know me all that well in the first place. Sorry for the rambling…

  17. I boycotted my little sisters wedding. I was 13 when she was born. I took care of her when she was little and we have more of a Mother/child relationship than a sister one.

    She brought home this guy who didn’t have a job, a drivers license, some sort of hidden past that no one could seem to find out about and she always paid for things…. this didn’t seem cause another family member to raise an eyebrow. I looked at him like he was a leper… after all she is my baby sis and my Mother as usual saw nothing wrong with him at all! I could still wring my Mothers neck over this.

    On her wedding day everyone was there. Except me. She was very hurt. I told her I was sorry but I would not walk into a church and stand before anyone and bless the mess that was sure to follow. I told her to reconsider and please wait. Time would be on her side if she would just wait. She didn’t speak to me for months over it. I still didn’t budge.

    Within 8 months of their marriage the trouble started. She went into her detached garage (she never went in it often as he used it for storage) and found it mostly empty. Yep! Bikes, tools, lawn mower, patio furniture, everything gone! At first she thought they were robbed. His old drug problem had come back and he was selling their things to a pawn shop for money she wouldn’t notice.

    The end of this story is bad. She had a baby and he is in prison….there is a bunch of really horrible stuff in the middle….but the jest of it is …I told her he was bad news. I told her that because I love her and feel protective of her. She is my baby sister. I helped raise her.

    Marrying this man changed her life profoundly. She lost her job, house, and both vehicles. She had to file bankruptcy and go back and live in our Mothers house with a small child. She is a Cancer with a lot of Scorpio so naturally she was destroyed and devastated by it all…it took her a long time to get back up and walk alone.

    They have been divorced for years. She is just now able to handle life again. The last time I saw him I told him it would be best if he crawled back under the rock he came from so I didn’t have to claw his eyes out. Of course I told him I was on to him in the beginning and my whole family turned on me. They just loved this snake. He was a low Pisces…a drug addicted, cheating, lying, always in trouble with the law Pisces. Nothing much has changed in his life even today. His drug of choice ~ crack! If you met my little sister you would never guess or believe that she married a crack addict. She was a respected banker.

    My sister is forever changed. It took all that was good about her…from her. He started to make her think she was crazy about a year and a half in…I went to their house.. if you could only imagine what I said to him…and what I was going to do to him should he harm my sis and niece….I would stare/glare at this guy when I would see him. He wouldn’t give me eye contact…I am sure he was on the receiving end of what people call the Scorpio glare…but this was seething. I hated him….see he knew I knew. I would never budge about my feelings toward him even when everyone turned their backs on me for it.

    I haven’t had another occasion to be like this. When my friends date a shit head I only offer my thoughts when they ask. I certainly remember a time when I couldn’t see the forest for the trees…. and I had a lot to learn from the experience so I think others should be allowed their journey. But…this only applies to people who are not my sister or my children lol…don’t mess with my babies. I can see through to your soul …..

    The very last thing this reptile did to my sister before she finally cast him out was….. she came home from work to find my nieces room empty…he sold all of her things…his own childs things…everything that baby owned was gone. And he was high. He was and is everything I saw and felt the day that I met him.

    My sister and I have talked about this since…I have never nor would I ever say I told you so. I love her. She looked at me one day and said nothing…then hugged me and cried. I hugged her back and said three words…I LOVE YOU…and she knew it was over. I have never been mad at her for turning away from me. She can call me for anything and I will always be her biggest fan and her best friend.

    Oh… and I am certainly not done with him yet!

  18. @scorpioandproud – Let him go. This is an awful story, but what catched my eye is this calling him a ‘reptile’. See, i dated a low Pisces, not this low, it doesn’t get this low, but i remember calling him that, a ‘reptile’. Something in his eyes…can’t explain, oh, and my friends did not approve, they were subtle about it, and i was kind of love blind, but i can tell a low Pisces now for sure. Scorpio thing.

    I boycotted my brothers wedding, i set there like i was on a funeral. It kind of didn’t ever catch anyone’s eye, but I knew there was something he would regret and… they are together for 20 years now, have great kids together, amazing, and are really good parents, so i kind of let go of judging. I am polite to her but that is all.

    I think i have poor judgment about the people I am emotional about. :) The others i can read like a book.

  19. I have experienced what Elsa was talking about…BtheLeo’s friends *hate* me.

    They live the High Life and watch TV and use racial slurs. I use multi-syllabic words and am “artsy”…

    Meh.

    I have also had friends tell me flat out: You? And…him?!?!

    Usually valid. Not that I listened, lol.

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