When Things Are So Big You Can’t See Them – Experience Wasted On Me?

I wonder if anyone else has this experience – things happen to you that are big, too big for you to comprehend.  Like that Red Handtruck story. That was something that happened that was beyond my comprehension. I never gave it a thought, 30 minutes after it happened and did not think about it for at least 10 years after that.

10 years later or so, I told the story to this astrologer online – he was the first person I met online….and the only person I knew or communicated with for about six months.

What happened was I had a Mountain Astrologer magazine. It listed websites in it, for the first time, ever. This was about 17 years ago. One of the websites was the newsgroup, alt astrology. So I went there, and somehow. I posted a message, somehow and this guy, a Scorpio, flamed me.

I didn’t know what a flame was, so I answered him back, earnestly. Credit his intelligence and his sensitivity because he was able to discern I was worth talking to…I can only imagine how bad my writing would have been back then.

In whatever case, I told him this story, sort of randomly. I don’t recall why, but he reacted to it.  I didn’t know why he reacted to it, but he did. And I didn’t think about it after that, for a number of years more….maybe seven or eight years.

And then one day I decided to write the story, which I did. I had no reason to write it. I was writing numerous stories about my life and this was one of them.

Now it’s however many years later, another seven or so and I still don’t know what to make of that happening to me. I don’t know if I lack depth or breadth or brain cells or what. I have never been able to draw a conclusion, or even work on trying to draw a conclusion…perhaps because I am like a gnat.

So there is that, but there are other things in my life, that seem to dwarf that..I think. I don’t really know how to compare experiences of this type, or knowledge that comes to you that is really pretty singular, or at least so rare, you’re not likely to meet someone who you can compare notes with. So I live with stuff like this and then occasionally (rarely, because of my gnat-like personality), I get a brief glimpse of the scope of what I’ve seen, or what had shared with me and think, oh shit! Anyone but me would be able to figure this out!

I don’t know why I can’t internalize this stuff, or assimilate it or whatever. Why can’t I understand it?

I think it’s one thing to not understand how music comes through you, if you’re a gifted musician.  But seems to be a bit different.

Yesterday I read about a guy who used to dream math, 1o0 years ago. He wrote down some rough equations and his rough theory, on this deathbed…100 years later, his theory has been proved.  I think I am more of this ilk. For one thing, I am a communicator. I can write and tell a story and what not.

In the past I have told the stories, even when I did not understand them, and perhaps I have to go back to that. I can’t see how to do that right now and I hope it’s not because I am lazy or stupid or something.  I don’t want an experience to be wasted on me, but I am afraid they are.  I can’t understand them, so perhaps the thing to do, is to tell the stories, and leave them for someone else to understand, even if it takes 100 years.

It pains me to say that, but like this guy with his equation, I just can’t get to what I can see.

Saturn Neptune out.


Comments

When Things Are So Big You Can’t See Them – Experience Wasted On Me? — 34 Comments

  1. Hi Elsa,

    It seems like these experiences are pretty unique and even if they maybe unbelievable, they did happen to you and I think that makes them still worth sharing. I think people will always come away with their own thoughts after reading any story even if there is a given conclusion to it or not. I think (I guess I’m not sure) everyone has at least one incredible experience in there life that they were unable to come away with a possible conclusion to so I’m sure there will still be people who can enjoy and relate to your stories.

  2. Well…the red handtruck story is a miracle. I’m not sure that we are supposed to understand. I view things like that as evidence that we are not alone, and that there is a plan larger than ourselves.

    “For now we see through a glass, darkly.”

  3. Wow, Elsa! Just wow. I mean, I think with some people they get it, right off the bat, and lose it, nearly right away. And others, the seed is planted without really knowing it happened and at the right time, it takes root deep within and blooms at the proper time. I think the latter of these two is little more profound and probably the major leading cause of “A-Ha!” moments. :D It also means that your soil is, in fact, rich soil capable of nurturing and thereby, educating others with those tidbits of wisdom. Well-done missus! (And my compliments on this insightful article) :D

  4. Elsa, I understand this fully, every letter/word!
    Well worth writing about it, well worth reading about it too. (Jupiter conjunct Neptune)

  5. From my own experience, I feel that these kinds of happenings are Neptune’s gift to Saturn. Saturn will always try to define, quantify and name things, but Neptune comes along and reminds us of the mystery that life really is. There’s a saying where I come from that is invoked when a thing is beyond comprehension – ‘Offer it up….’

  6. I would probably think on that quite a bit, if something like that had happened to me. But I don’t think I would understand it either, after all of the consideration. It’s nice to confirm that the universe can surprise us, though. I’d hate to live in a world we control completely…

  7. Elsa, The Red Hand Truck … I read it last night for the first time … just before bed. Like holy water, Neptune. Explanations of big things made holy.

    That guy who read your story back in the day: What does “he flamed me” mean?

  8. Mokihana, he did not flame me over the story. I told him the story later. He was just the first person I told, since the thing happened.

    On the flame, I had a Neptune transit at the time. I didn’t know how to use the Internet, at all. He did. He owned alt.astrology at the time.

    So I come on there, my first post on the Internet, I had never sent and email. And I write something all spacey…

    He instantly emailed me, in (if you know SNL) a ‘Jane, you ignorant slut”, tone. :) I was taken aback, but like I said, I answered his email and we became friends. He taught me to use the internet and I’ll tell you what a control-freak jackass I was back then.

    I did not know “email” so I would write him these long things and he would answer them in email style, where you write your lines in between the other person’s lines or paragraphs. So this is what he did, and I chewed his ass for that. I mean it. I chewed his ass up and down.. ::laughs::

    I really don’t know how or why he put up with me. I guess it’s because I have so much energy. I am a true spitfire, an anomaly, so I guess that’s why. But really, he was the first influence I had online and he helped me a lot.

    He told me this is how email is done and I’m like, looking at him sideways, “Motherfucker, are you sure?”

    Anyway, he’s all super-educated and refined, where I was just a raw source of energy so it was interesting.

    He’s around here from time to time, so may be reading this. He sends me a note every year or two.

    It was a bizarre collision. I wanted to write a book with him, actually, because we would spar on astro topics and we had a lot of chemistry. I thought we could do the aspects, he said/she said. I think it would have been an FANTASTIC astrology book – classic and funny as shit, but he didn’t want to do it.

    Like this
    http://blip.tv/mcpepper/jane-you-ignorant-6156206

    Anyway. The story just got told, in a few paragraphs for a reason I can’t recall. There were thousands of emails exchanged.

  9. I totally get this!

    I’ve been feeling my way through my whole life. I don’t always grasp the reason why I feel ‘led’ to do some of the things I’ve done, or decisions I’ve made. Sometimes, I simply ‘trust’ that there’s a good reason behind it and I’ll figure it out along the way.

    This becomes a real challenge if I’m ever put in a position to justify myself to anyone questioning my actions/decisions.

    Mercury/Mars in Pisces trine Neptune Moon.

  10. ****I don’t really know how to compare experiences of this type, or knowledge that comes to you that is really pretty singular, or at least so rare, you’re not likely to meet someone who you can compare notes with. So I live with stuff like this and then occasionally (rarely, because of my gnat-like personality), I get a brief glimpse of the scope of what I’ve seen, or what had shared with me and think, oh shit! Anyone but me would be able to figure this out!***

    What you described above!! That’s how I feel, in general. That’s what happens to me, too.

  11. I figure sometimes we’re the vehicle, sometimes the audience, sometimes the punch line is not delivered in our lifetimes; sometimes there is no punchline. It’s a mystery. I accept these things now, and don’t feel it’s weird anymore. Except sometimes.

    When I read this last night, I felt in awe, having watched your process for awhile. There is all this extra-ordinariness. I think it’s really gifts in the true sense of the word, even the hard stuff.

  12. Thank you, mena. I don’t know what I should be doing. Forgetting…or trying to remember and/or comprehend.

    I just seem to be a awfully leaky vessel in which to store precious things. And I have no way to become a better container. I may as well be made of chicken wire.

  13. I told my husband the thing is so big, it’s like it goes all the way around (360 degrees) so it’s happening beyond my peripheral vision. I don’t know whether to forget everything and have it come back to me when needed, or if I should work on this, diligently.

    I don’t want to work on anything, diligently. I am like my dog, Lila, the Eternal Child, plus I have had to work on things diligently over the last year or so and I’ve not enjoyed it! But I keep getting bits float in, for example, the latest.

    The latest is a year ago I quite inexplicably got these poems that I know my husband wrote in another life. It’s considerably deeper than that, but this is the case, and I am positive of what I am saying.

    Now when I got the poems, I did not know this. It was when I started reading, I recalled…he told me about this stuff when were teenagers, which is something he forgot himself. He forgot the poems existed and also that he had told me about this.

    So anyway, blah blah. The poems are more than 100 years old. I’ve messed with them for a year and then, because I am getting ready to publish some of my writing on Amazon, this prompted me to look at the pub date on this book of poems.

    Well guess what? Here are these old poems, obscure. Someone took them from the public domain and published them because they consider them to be significant literature. I surely agree with that. But here is what I just found out…

    The poem were made available. I was not looking for them, nor do I read poetry really ever, but it appears I found this book the very day it was published. Certainly within 24 hours. I know this, because my mother died last year and I was reading this book…it had to be shipped, and on top of that, when I saw it, I didn’t buy it. I put it on my wishlist.

    So what happens is someone creates this book – makes it available. I find it immediately (and I NEVER buy books, I get them at the library) and put it on a wish list. Someone buys it for me, and it’s in my hands in a few days.

    This shit is not accidental, do you think?

    It was time for me to get these poems and I’ll tell you something else. I am the only person who knows of their origin, and their (true) origin would be of interest around the world.

    Now give information like this to a chicken-wire person who swears all the time, and the sit back and laugh, I guess.

    I say for the record, I can’t even understand many of the poems in this book. I could study it the rest of my life. Some of the poems are simple. But I am the person who can tell you why this is! And I don’t know what else I might be able to tell you, if I had the ability to figure this out. But I do not!

    Like the math guy. It’s there, but um…um…um…

    I wonder if anyone besides me even bought this book (or had it bought for them). What if it sold one copy?

    Seeing as you can download it for free, this is not that far-fetched. But if I did not have the actual book, I would not have seen the astrology on the cover,,,,even though there is no reference to astrology in the book at all.

    It’s MY book, ya think?

    I wish I was a lot smarter, or even a little smarter but I’m not. And further, if you talk about stuff like this, people think you’re crazy, even though I am clearly not.

  14. Unfortunately I’ve been the punchline, LOL. Humiliating! :)

    Being more detached type (Gemini Sun) and the practical Capricorn moon I can be, I guess the ‘truck/hand’ story was evidence of God. Something above this earthly realm that my Gemini self can’t comprehend.

  15. It’s comforting to know that other people have “weird” e.g. “unexplainable” stuff happen…like the poems so when it happens to you you don’t think you are going mad and you can trust your instinct – thanks for sharing Elsa

    Oh and the hand, I believe it was like a dog (not you) you were NOT going to lose your job, no way and your brain told your hand that at the most primal level…sheer force of subconscious belief. Shows how powerful it can be. Animals can be riddled with cancer and not change until they one week just die….

  16. I don’t think miracles are understandable Elsa. I don’t understand them, other than to realize instinctively they represent Universal Grace.

    As far as understanding how…or why…it’s truly beyond my comprehension. Spontaneous Healing.

    Maybe someday there will be a rational explanation for what happened to you, but I seriously doubt we’ll come to that in our lifetime.

  17. i think it’s very uranian. being able to paint a piece of the infinite.. to pull it out and share it with the world… it can be bigger than what our logic brain can wrap around but that doesn’t mean we can’t express it anyway…

    that’s how i feel the uranian energy, anyway.

  18. I agree about this feeling very Uranian Eris. I was going to say the same thing. I have Uranus Mercury and Sun conjunct in 9th house. No spontaneous healings but many other inexplicable happenings throughout my life.

    Like you Elsa I don’t always understand them but I have come to trust more and more that they will happen…just couldn’t say when. Little surprises from heaven?

    I call it Grace!

    Really really inspiring stuff either way Elsa. And I agree with everyone who says you are one fantastic storyteller. Reminding us that “there are more things in heaven and earth Horatio than are dreamed of in your imagination…”(Hamlet)

  19. Here is another weirdo thing. There is a poem in this book about a girl with my name! And in the poem she does not marry the man, which is what I did to my husband when we were kids. He’s super pissed! He curses her, I would say. He’s really pissed! And when we broke up when we were kids, my husband wrote a song about me and the dark all around my door!!!!!!!!!!!

    Anyway, that part of this is mysterious. I can’t say there is a connection. I think it could be random / coincidence. There is enough that is clearly NOT random and coincidence, I don’t want to bend anything to fit, and mess up this puzzle. At this point, this is just a quirk. An amusing detail. For all I know, it’s a test of my own ability to discern.

  20. See, this book has poems written in vernacular that was popular at various times in history. It would be like me writing on my blog, sounding like Shakespeare in 2013. And then writing the next post with modern phrasing. Odd, yes?

    But in real life, my husband talks like this. He talks to me using terms (and with the attitude) of someone from the 1500′s. He does this all the time, so I can recognize not only his speech patterns and phrasing in the poems, but his feelings on various topics, which have not changed one iota in, er… hundreds of years.

    If you read around here, you know that recently we found out that my husband (unbeknownst to himself) follows the rules of Lent from the 1600′s (they are GRUELING). Boy, when he found out the local priest gave up popcorn for Lent, he was stunned.

    My husband starves himself throughout Lent – one small meal a day and a small portion of soup, small piece of bread…he does this all the days of Lent and has truly thought all Catholics did the same!

    Very disturbing and weird, when we found this out.

    Anyway, even my son can recognize my husband’s voice. You really can’t make an error here, because my husband is a strong personality with very forceful things to say – things you don’t hear anywhere else, and here he is saying them in 100 year old poems, but the poems go back much further.

  21. @Conoco- That is an interesting way to look at it. Being the punchline. I can relate to that, and I might be a smart thing to consider some of the roles we play and things that happen like that. Thanks for that!

  22. I agree with Carie, I don’t think it has to do with being smart or not. You know things/things are made aware to you when they are supposed to be, not one little second before (I, personally find this to be very frustrating).

    It makes me think of a quote from when I was in high school, I’m not home, so can’t look it up; but will try not to botch it up too badly.
    Oh, never mind, I’ve found it online, here it is ;)Angie

    “Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves…do not seek the answers which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them and the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”
    Rainer Maria Rilke

  23. That is an amazing story. I am glad I had a chance to read it. I wouldn’t have known to look for it. Elsa while the story had me on the edge of my seat trying to find the outcome, more so am I taken with your writing ability. Books could fly out of you telling these incredible stories. I am overwhelmed trying to imagine how many books you could write….and write…and write. You have been blessed with such talent. How healing to be able to not only overcome many of lifes hardships then gift them to others through writing ability. And when I try to wrap my head around it there I find the answer. These crazy incredible things happen, you later write and are able to heal not only yourself but so many others in the process. What a gift. What a delicious beautiful gift. To be a messenger. I usually say or write the wrong thing… just out of tripping over my tounge or hands or whatever is in front of me but to be able to write and pass the message leaving the reader on the edge ready to turn the page…. what an incredible gift. Lucky for us you share. :)

  24. My husband sprung this on me today: He said the poems were never meant to be published!

    “Yes, they were published.”

    “They weren’t meant to be…”

    So how about that? You write something and someone else goes and publishes it! This happens today as well. Some poor author or songwriter dies and the family, or whoever, publishes their work they never wanted made public. Ugh.

    Puts a whole other spin on this,

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