Advice For Someone Who Has Truly Obliterated Their Life
Saturn in Scorpio. Neptune in Pisces.
Over the course of conversation this weekend, I told my husband and his son about a gal who wrote me awhile back. She outlined the state of her life in just a couple sentences. It was overwhelmingly sad. She was standing at the end of a line of very bad decisions she had made over the last two decades, holding herself accountable. The note read like this:
“I did this, this, this, this and this, that were very bad. I am now capping it all off with this (failure).”
The mail was stark and heavy and haunting. I didn’t offer any advice, because she did not ask for any. I guess she just wanted to tell someone safe? A stranger? But I was so struck by it, I asked, Annalisa last week, what she would advise someone like this. I asked the men the same thing.
We all agreed her situation was grim. Surprisingly, we also all agreed as to her best course of action, but let me ask you this same question:
How can a person in mid-life, redeem themselves when they wake up and realize they are completely bereft? Exactly what would you advise to help this person onto a path of healing?
104 Responses to “Advice For Someone Who Has Truly Obliterated Their Life”
I wouldn’t approach this kind of advise in a judgmental way. Life is a journey, sometimes you make bad choices and sometimes you make good ones. But life goes on with or with you. She is now aware of the choices she wasn’t happy with in her past and now there is no need to dwell on them. Negativity breeds negativity. I’ll tell you there is a woman I heard of from a friend who was divorced in mid life and had to live with her mother and grandmother. So she felt trapped. She decided to join the peace corps and she said it was the best thing she could have done. Basically I would say the past done, just forget about the negativity no matter how much it haunts you because it would like to resurface like a demon but don’t it and be anything but positive, and do positive things for yourself and others. I would also recommend joining a support group that is positive the Agape Center in Culver City CA comes to mind. I myself am Catholic. I find joy in living to its selfless teachings and so many others. While others want to manifest things by law of attraction I want to help the poor. So I recommend she join a group not in which will make her gloat over misery but will lift her up. She sounds depressed and needs lifting of the Spirit.
If someone wrote to you, they’re asking for advice, whether they “ask” or not. I hope you do post the advice. It would help many who read your blog.
“If someone wrote to you, they’re asking for advice, whether they “ask” or not. ”
Sorry, but I strongly disagree. This is not the first time this has happened. People do this with me from time to time. It’s like a 4th step or a confession. They just want the stuff out of them, like vomiting something that makes them feel sick inside and they most definitely don’t want to discuss it.
This is more like having a hydra inside. You just want to give that thing, light and air. It really does help.
I am totally against offering advice no one asked for.
I moved – I left the scenario which was the scene of so many bad decisions, failures and painful experiences, and started over somewhere else.
I’ve done this more than once. It works for me.
Moon in House 9? Sag SN? Seven planets in Cardinal?
I’m not sure why it works, but taking some kind of action is essential for me, and moving away is the obvious thing to do, for me.
Even preparing a new place to live is a kind of ritual cleansing
ETA My chart is almost all Cardinal, hence the need to ACT
Even though you strongly disagree, I still hope you post the advice…at least I am asking.
elizabeth2 – I am afraid of the fallout of doing that in this forum, but I do care, which is why I am posting this. Since there was a consensus in my inner circle, I figured others would come to the same conclusion and may write about it?
A commenter on this site has a lot more freedom than I do, so here again:
If a person finds themselves in a true state of despair over terrible things they’ve done, how can they redeem themselves and find peace and positivity in their life?
What would I advise to help on the path to healing….
To forgive yourself for all the hurtful past and since the person seems aware of all the wrongdoings herself also to start fresh. Sometimes we continue living in guilt because we are afraid of taking the first step into new direction…but once you “know” where you went wrong you are more then capable of changing direction
ps – I definitely don’t think beating yourself up is the way to go…or even remotely helpful.
I think providing advice would be a better option Elsa. Sometimes people ask for help without directly asking. But if you disagree, that’s fine.
As far as people in mid-life are concerned, I have seen my parents struggle with their second Saturn return (however, they are not into astrology, so…). It’s really a time when people are examining their legacy, and they feel like they’ve come up really short…
@Blessed Place
I guess if the Moon is in Sag in the 9th house by itself, then yes, the ability to start over is very possible.
In my case, my Moon is in Sag, in the 9th house, but my Saturn is also in Sag, in the 10th house. So sometimes the desire to start over does exist, but there is also a feeling of reluctance to try things (and maybe my Sun in Virgo comes into play).
It is never too late to change.
Some of you know my tendency to psychoanalize….
And so I would also advice speaking with a therapist. In really deep and long standing internal conflicts it is often incredibly helpful….
And above all to believe in herself. There is no one without the sin- but we all are capable of greatness. Often the real greatnes is an outcome of great pain….
I want to tell you that once upon a time I believed fantastic things would happen to me. I thought I would be everything; rich, famous, beautiful…I mean I was a kid but I just assumed I had a marvelous life in front of me. I was wrong. I’ve had a terrible life.
Some of it was my fault. Some of it was someone else’s fault. Some of it was fate.
But I couldn’t understand why *me*, you know? I looked around at other people and envied everything they had very deeply. I was very bitter and frightened.
And then I started talking to a very gifted Vedic astrologer who is my teacher and I believe bodhisattva. Among many things that she told me — all of them so helpful they were like some kind of intravenous feeding of emotional balance — my vedic ruling planet is in the sixth house of my vedic chart.
This is the house that rules debts, service, diseases, arguments, battles, and basically one whole big swath of human suffering. So…this is what I got. A sixth house life.
Understanding that was just about the most enlightening moment of my life. But imagine how disappointed I was to hear it to begin with. Not the fifth house — creativity and love. Not the ninth house — study and religion. Not even the seventh house — love and marriage. See, I was waiting for the astrologer to tell me when my life would turn out great. And she basically told me it never would.
I look at a person who has “obliterated their life” to be a person who has a karmic appointment with loss. She is not the only one, by a longshot. People have lost immense fortunes, beautiful opportunities, treasured loved ones, their health, their lives, their minds. It’s no different than any other reality. Ultimately we lose *it all* eventually. All of it. Everything goes. Sooner or later.
We are lucky to be here at all. I am lucky I am as safe and prosperous and supported and loved as I am — and man, look at all the things I *don’t* have. No family, little fortune, no love. But I am still allowed to live and think and write and work and thrive.
What I *lost* I don’t think about very often. If I do it’s with a sense of sadness but an understanding that these experiences happened — as they do for all people — to teach me that there is nothing in this world anyone can ever hold onto.
A person who has obliterated their life is probably in a Ketu period and is now in a position to experience liberation from past patterning, addiction, attachment. There is nothing in the way now, and believe me it is a type of wealth.
Well, let us know please when someone does give the kind of advice that would help this person and so many others, including myself. I am really asking. Of course, if you’re worried about fallout, you could always email me off line. The answers may seem obvious to your inner circle, but unfortunately, not to me. I am reminded of the advice given by doctors and counselors to addicts and their family members, “They have to hit bottom before they can be helped”. From my experience, the bottom is often death, and the help is too late. Yes, people do have to be ready to hear and to ask, but there must be a middle ground somewhere for recovery? I am not being sarcastic, just looking for some guidance. thanks
Becoming ‘aware’ is the first step, and ‘owning’ it is a sign that this person is ready to alter the course of her life.
The advice I would give would be to take a good hard look at those ‘decisions’. Look for the ‘pattern’, I’ll bet she’ll find one (maybe more).
It’s my opinion, that if one doesn’t do this, it’s nearly impossible to stop the looping. It could be an unconscious belief that she’s ‘not good enough’ to have a happy life, or feels deeply that she ‘doesn’t deserve’ to live out her dreams.
If this has been going on for years and years, it would likely be helpful to turn to someone that is trained to coach her through the process. The underlying issues may be traumatic, so having someone to move her through them could be very beneficial.
If she wrote you, I would guess she’s got a spark of fight left in her. I wish her the best on her journey, and would like to encourage her to fan that spark, claw her way out of whatever mess her life is and realize that she’ll be a much stronger (and happier) person on the other side. XO
Pandora, against all advice and counsel, opened the box releasing all the evils, sickness and sadness into the world. But there within the box also resided the one powerful antidote to despair and ruin…Hope.
Here’s the thing that I glean from the writer’s note: She is self-aware and accepting of her own actions and the consequences. *That* is her powerful antidote to despair. It is the bitter medicine that can lead to redemption and healing.
If she had written a litany of things that had happened *to* her, that would be different. But someone who is aware and accepting of bad choices and behavior–and understands the link of consequences is actually in possession of a valuable [if painful] education. This person is uniquely equipped to analyze and chart out a different, better way going forward.
Though there may be people or situations that are lost to her forever in this lifetime, those are the very catalysts to shore up her resolve and determination to do better wherever and however she can in the future.
Compassion. Forgive yourself, forgive others. It won’t bring back everything you lost but if you are on a downward spiral, it would give you a bottom to hit, something to climb up from.
I don’t know how you can change yourself unless you are honest. This woman is being honest. As far as midlife goes, you can change your life at any stage. A lot of people don’t even start to bloom until after middle age. I would say good luck. Change is a rough road to travel, but it is worth it.
I’m not sure of what advice I would give but I will say that I strongly agree what Elsa said here:
I am totally against offering advice no one asked for.
If you go ahead and offer people advice they don’t ask for, it’s not an energy exchange — it’s aggressive. It may seem like a person is asking for something because one infers something about the emotional state (like it’s not “happy” and therefore needs to change) but this person didn’t ask specifically. Why shouldn’t this person be allowed just to give this information to someone, as Elsa said?
If we all start offering advice without being asked, well, that may seem “helpful” but I’m not sure how it’s helpful to give people something they haven’t asked for. It also protects the person who might potentially be “helping” to have an understanding about what the relationship actually is, however ephemeral it might be. I feel strongly about this — and feel it’s a very Saturn in Scorpio topic.
I second compassion. Start small, and start basic. Your health is a good place to start. Lose what you can. If that is excess weight, lose the weight. If it’s a bad habit like not taking care of your teeth, start taking care of your teeth. Forget about telling yourself ‘it’s too late.’ Read the ‘found’ section in Craigslist. Look up ‘oldest marathon runner’ in the Guinness Book of World Records. Make it a mission, to start small and affirm to yourself that the basics are what makes a life.
I am engaged to be married to a man who obliterated his life. He also knows it’s almost entirely due to bad decisions for years. 29 years ago, it was sink or swim for him, and he sank.
Redemption is a possibility for most of us. It sounds like it is for you, too. You are a child of this Universe and your bad decisions never negate this. Ever.
“Why shouldn’t this person be allowed just to give this information to someone, as Elsa said?”
Yes, and she was invited to do this by the way, so her behavior was entirely appropriate.
Her post may have been chilling but it was elegant. In my mind, the fact she puked this up put her on squarely on a path towards healing and there is no way I would interfere with that.
It is a Saturn in Scorpio topic. This is not deep and personal, rather than social (Libra).
I agree re. advice. Am I confused though–should I not have offered any just now? (don’t mind me–t.Neptune in 3rd has me confused on a regular basis).
@kr
That’s a very good point about advice. Far too often I’ve given advice when it wasn’t asked for and not always welcomed.
When I DO receive advice, I usually perceive it as an opinion and wonder if it will help my situation or not.
Elsa you wrote:”It is a Saturn in Scorpio topic. This is [not] deep and personal, rather than social(Libra).”
That is it. I feel the depth of this woman’s angst and understand your stance about not giving advice when not asked. I’ve been there, and am there at the moment: painfully aware of the choices that leave me at a loss.
@Kashmiri … your thoughts are soulful and compassionate, especially this I relate to: “loss something …” much like a homeopathic approach to root issues, I appreciate that. “redemption” …after making amends to ourself, and then to others.
This is meaningful to me this morning. Perhaps a harbinger of things meant to be(come).
I believe Elsa’ question was – exactly what would you advise this person to help on the path to healing….
I believe I answered that question.
It is not about giving an advice or not….I hope I understood it right…
kash, this person and their problem and mistakes are completely concealed. There is nothing revealing here which makes this a broad question. You really can’t address this person, directly.
You know how it is said, “Don’t sweat the small stuff”? What I am trying to discuss here, is what if it is not small stuff? What if you really need redemption?
I think the key is this right here,
“what she would advise *someone like this*…”
If I had to pick just one thing that Elsa’s site teaches and demonstrates simply by its very existence–its that no one person has a monopoly on any particular issue or situation.
So, for Elsa to receive such a correspondence–there are others similarly situated. By posing the issue to the collective, I think, the OP and others who are struggling or suffering are afforded the ability to privately or publically make a choice to engage or dismiss the responses and insights of those who choose to post.
In addition, by posing the general question we all have the larger opportunity for self-reflection and focused thought about how this relates to ourselves and our lives. It brought up some strong feelings and reflection for me this morning, for example about my Ex, his actions past and present…It was timely and helpful on a personal level. 
This is how I think it is very different from offering unsolicited advice.
I think Elsa is right about not giving advice, and about the “confessional” nature of these communications. I bet you get metric crap-tons of it, ma’am, because you are “safe”. I think that’s also why you get so much hater-ation, too.
I would congratulate this woman, personally. She may have F-ed it all up, but at least she owns it, now. And it will be so hard to build back up, but so worth it, if she does. I agree with CaRrIe and Kashmiri.
Love one’s self. That’s the hardest thing, but also the very important first step in the right direction. Then take steps toward *actualizing* the person she wants to be. Just wanting to be better is a big deal!
(GOOD LUCK!)
That’s right, Eixziander. I am anonymous. And people know I am not going to mail them back and bitch them out or judge them. I also agree, re: the congratulations. It’s not easy to turn the lights up like this.
Yes, I can definitely feel that we’re not talking about small… Thinking of my partner–the stuff in his life was definitely not small. Over 2 decades of really bad decisions, made in a nihilistic way. He’ll be untangling it the rest of his life. Some problems are unfathomable. You are here; you can start.
Kashmiri, I am grateful you offered.
That was beautiful and I wrote it down to read and reread on my desktop at my computer at work. It was appropriate and much needed thoughts – way to think about things – for me on this day. I was seeking advice, thought I did not say it outloud.
My advise is you are not dead yet. If there are things you can fix, fix them. Make amends if possible. If not move on. Help someone else. It will do wonders for you.
Oh – and I am not the young lady who wrote Elsa
Haven’t we all woken up in the middle of the night at some point and felt this? It would be hard for me to believe most of us have not. The person who wrote you Elsa, can only go up from here and my guess is she is as we discuss this. Psychological survival, at least in my case, will usually guide one to shore, consciously or not if they are willing to step in the boat. I did. I had to or I would still be stuck. It’s not the pain goes away (maybe diminishes) or the memories of the mistakes we have made suddenly evaporate. But you start to move forward, anywhere else than being stuck in self-made purgatory. I wish her the best and want her to know, when she is ready to step into the boat, she will know. And hopefully faith will go with her.
I have no idea what I’d say. It would really depend on her situation. But in general, it’s not like I know how to fix anything either, so would I even have advice? Probably not.
I agree with several posts – the first step is awareness, which it appears that this person has just done. Maybe verbalizying it is part of her process of becoming aware and taking the next step. I agree that if she didn’t ask for advice at this stage, then it is prudent not to go there – it may overwhelm the person.
If it becomes clear she wants advice, well I believe that one can redeem onself no matter how bleak the situation. First step, awareness of issues, then acknowledgment of causes. Acknowledgment also includes not “beating oneself up”. Then formulate some goals – small ones that are capable of being accomplished. One foot in front of the other………
Choose to act differently – just change one small thing (such as those suggested by Kashmiri) and even if you flub it, keep starting over until the change takes root. You are planting the seeds of a new life and just as in any garden, not all seeds will sprout and not all seedlings will flourish – all it takes is one.
When you see your reflection, look into your eyes and say, ‘I love you — (your name). Your discomfort in doing this is in proportion to your need to learn to love yourself no matter what you may or may not imagine are your faults or sins.
I’m glad something I said resonated for someone…I feel really strongly about this. I have Chiron conjunct my IC so my instincts are to start at the root and use it as a rope to keep climbing.
((((letter writer))))
70% of our lives can be mistakes. All actions cannot be directly proportional to success. Once she has made a decision to align her self with the universe and the good energy, she will feel better.
80-20% rule, only so much really matters in life.
I would simply say that this person is HONEST, how rare. How sick I am of 99 percent of us (me included) who do expend so much energy justifying and glittering up their accomplishments.
I would advise her to ask for God’s help. Stand naked before the Universe and let it mold you. Just let go.
I’m not sure why this person has messed up so much. Is it because, yes, they display a kind of honesty in their confessions (perhaps they like to confess, get various reactions of advice and sympathy in some cases), but not when it counts. If You’ve messed up your life, it’s important not to feel sorry for yourself. I get the sense sometimes that confessionals are just this – a way to wallow in the sadness of it all and waste the time this way so that they don’t have to take concrete steps toward fixing the mess, however deep.
This weekend, Full Moon, I felt horrible. I noticed significant failures and places I had messed up. I crawled under a rock for a day and a half, but at the end of it I decided that everyone makes mistakes, everyone has parts of themselves they wish were stronger, better, things they regret and wish they could’ve done better or performed better – but people don’t just go around and kill themselves because of it. Most people don’t anyway. Life goes on. And there ARE things you can do, even when it gets horrible. Some people make problems so they don’t have to deal with others. But the piper always comes to be paid. And if you’ve messed up your life continuously, there is no end to how bad it can get. It really has no bottom. Equally so, there is no end to how much you can change your situation. It is important this person does not give up and does not abandon him or herself to hopelessness. People on the thread seem to think this person is honest- I would say she is not honest. Her confessional and any honesty displayed therein are another way to distract from the real work at hand. I’d tell this person to get to work: bc in life, that is all there really is to do.
Be as gentle with yourself as you would with a beloved child. Compassion, compassion, compassion. I second Kashmiri.
No advice to offer, but I feel it’s never too late to start over.
Now, I just saw a local makeover show. The person they made over this time was a lady who had been a drug addict for 20 years, and homeless for the best part of it. She’d been in and out prison, lost her children and much more. The only thing she had left was her partner and now husband. When he almost died, she decided to stay off drugs. It took longer for him, but he finally did find God in solitary refinement. He is now a pastor, and she has studied to be a social worker. The most remarkable thing about this couple was that when asked, the husband (who had wrote the letter to producers to get the wife in the show) said, “Finding God worked for me, something else could for someone else.”
Now, I live in their old neighborhood. I see people who are where they were on daily bases. And to be honest, I’ve seen them pretty much as lost causes. The fact these people made it out does give hope for everybody in hopeless situation.
Ouch, I’m there… but not
Grab the good things, cling to them, nurture them, grow them. remind yourself everyday there are always people worse off.
You must always try and make the best of whatever you have. I have seen people in extreme poverty, can’t even feed their children, who do so.
Or give up.
Go to a vipassana meditation center and learn to accept the dissolution of habit patterns: habit patterns in thought and feeling: habit patterns in speech, learning to recognize a personal addiction to behaviour and letting go with determination, determination to make tracks toward goodness, truth and beauty. Wishing you wellness!
I would definitely advise to start small. Simply because it’s too overwhelming otherwise.
Small self care rituals, like eating right and cleanliness can do wonders.
Redemption is an inside job.
Also, it might help to reflect on suffering as the manure out of which compassion grows (helps if there is a self pity issue, although it doesn’t seem like that’s an issue).
When I was replying I was thinking more of a life burned down by poor decision making, than by doing bad or even evil things which need redemption.
I guess all you can do in that situation, is make amends where that’s possible, and then dedicate your life to helping others.
Work in a refuge or a hospice, or with the homeless or the mentally sick. Do those jobs that nobody else wants to do. Try to build some ‘good karma’ to balance the bad.
We were just talking about this over the dinner table – the value of confession as a way to purge oneself of one’s burdens and start fresh. The fact that you’re admitting fault to another, knowing that said confessee won’t judge or condemn you… that the other person will confirm that there’s still hope for you to make things right for yourself and in your relationships with others, is very powerful indeed.
I would leave out the redemption thing (some would call it catholic guilt syndrome), work on engaging my higher self, and try not to take it all too seriously while I’m in the trough. With of course, a serious streak of survivor spirit, and possibly some human interaction. The deeper you go, the more you can look at and say, puh, not a big deal.
In astrology, redemption is associated with Neptune. See Liz Greene’s master work on the topic: http://www.amazon.com/Astrological-Neptune-Quest-Redemption/dp/1578631971
I agree with Blessed Place and Omie. Make amends where you can, where you are not going to be an unwelcome ghost or cause pain. If you’re not welcome, make amends to the universe.
You are carrying this weight around with you and service to others will help you shed some of it.
And then, forgive yourself.
Ay elsa, all I could tell them is it took them 30 something years to mess up, it’s gonna take another 30 to fix, but just like she started messing up things one by one, she gotta start doing right one by one, one day at the time. to set goals, a strategy, a plan of action and to enforce it. that’s all there is to be done. Oh, and sincerely apologizing to those she hurt along the way.
This sounds like soul contract work and karma going on here. the fact she’s conscious of her acts but seems to repeat the pattern tells me this.
I’m working with an extremely successful person right now who possesses this exact trait.
Now, go figure on that one.
Rises super high on totem, then goes and does the stupidest thing one could do to damage position and risk losing it all, only to go back up.
The redemption thing with a lot of ego in there. Also addiction to victimhood and heroism.
At least the person who wrote to Elsa seems to be humble about making a mess of it all.
However, she didn’t ask for advice ( that’s why were just commenting on the particularity of a case in general :°))
God I’d love to compare their two charts to see what makes one bounce back after f-ing it up all the time, and what makes the other just repeat the failure cycle.
Volunteering and mentoring others would go a long way to redemption.
Mentors are like local guides to the Path of Life. They let you know where the potholes and dead ends are. Provided their advice is asked for of course.
Sounds like “Surrender, Dorothy!” Time to get some spiritual help. Theres a great book called “When Things Fall Apart” by Pema Chodron
http://www.amazon.com/When-Things-Fall-Apart-Difficult/dp/1570623449
I am surprised at the seeming resistance to the use of redemption/redeeming in this context. [but maybe that's my Catholic peeking through?] I do not automatically associate a soley religious or spiritual context to the word…
re·deem/riˈdēm/Verb: 1.Compensate for the faults or bad aspects of (something): “a disappointing debate redeemed by an outstanding speech”.
2.Do something that compensates for poor past performance or behavior.
Synonyms: ransom – rescue – save – deliver
I like CArRiE’s comment. The line in the song, “every new beginning comes from some other beginning’s end” comes to mind.
As for not giving advice when not asked, I agree with Elsa. IMO, if you want people to advise you but you’re not asking for it, you’re wanting them to read your mind and that’s just not fair. (Also, there are probably other situations where you definitely do NOT want them to read your mind and would be deeply annoyed if they did.) I’ve also been the (random) receiver of heavy news. I’m pretty sure it’s because even though I’m fiery-tempered, people sense/know I can ‘handle’ shocking/heavy things. Sometimes people just need a place to lay their burden and appreciate someone being strong enough to ‘just’ receive it.
Rebuild. Start over.
Those are my first thoughts.
I’ve spent years beating myself up over the fact that I left college–twice–and stayed in my current job instead of leaving like everyone else for something better. I can tell you this: Elsa’s right. Beating yourself up does no good.
“I used to think that there was something insidious about the way Neptune worked but now I see that his deceptions are unintentional; he leads us on because he doesn’t know any better either. How could he? It’s all the same to him. And even when he drags us through an experience that beats us raw, that too, is all the same to him – because where he lives, love flows through everything – every experience is filled with it. If we blame him for leading us on what we forget is that Neptune can’t draw the line between good and bad.
This Oneness with all things is a state that only the saints and the Mother Teresa’s of the world truly understand. Christ and Buddha knew it, and somewhere in our cellular memory all of us remember Unity. If Neptune is the planet that takes us home what we find on the road can either enlighten us or drive us insane. Unfortunately the spiritual urge gets twisted here and more often than not our response to it leads us to exalt all kinds of bad behavior.”– cal garrison
Our souls can be slow in learning our lessons and we may possibly spend a lifetime (or more) grappling and struggling until we are ready to see our own cause in a matter.
Better sooner than later.
Better later than never.
At least she did it.
I can only offer my personal experience. I crashed in my mid-30s, and was left with almost nothing apart from most of my health (apart from depression and chronic fatigue). It was my choice to turn it around and search for help, and only then did I listen to advice. It’s funny, but even at my lowest ebb, I always had a spark of self-belief, and more importantly, I have always liked myself. That might sound funny, but I cannot imagine that I would have healed myself without that inherent self-belief, or if I had suffered from self-loathing. The fate of the poor woman who wrote you, Elsa, could well depend on where she stands in that respect.
Well, without anything to go on how can WE give advice? I mean “this, this, this and this and now I am a failure” etc. I wish you would be more specific. Now we, the readers are left to help this woman who originally wrote to you Elsa for advice she may not have said “help me” but this is what she wanted. I mean no disrespect but I feel that you don’t want to give FREE advice. Some have posted to “see a therapist” “join the peace corps” but you must understand that if she is in the depths of despair she may be 100 percent broke, and when a person is broke you can’t “see a therapist” only people with money can do that. Joining the peace corps you must have a good college education, maybe she does not have this. In my opinion if you have money you can solve all your problems. but if you have nothing and are on the streets you are screwed. This may be where this woman is and if so, what is wrong with giving her free advice? boosting her a little? for gods sake is everything about money? what if she commits suicide? If that happens you will never know and never care. Just my opinion. Money is the root of all evil but the only thing that matters on this earth. if you have it, people think you are great and you get respect and a good life, if you don’t you are a piece of shxt and no one will help you. You may as well be dead. To see a therapist you need money or insurance that will cover it, well, 52 million people have no health insurance!! don’t you think most of them NEED a therapist?? I mean, this poor woman wrote to you for help and you ignored her! talked about her but ignored her pleas for help, this is just an example of selfishness you got money? great! you don’t? DIE! I don’t know if I’ll read you any more. just my opinion
Forgive themselves. Apologise/ Make ammends if/where possible. Draw a line. Move on.
You don’t seem to understand what you have done here, you have titled this “Advice For Someone Who Has Truly Obliterated Their Life” I am focusing on the word “Obliterated” I mean, someone has come to you in despair, and instead of privately helping her with compassion, you exploit her for your blog. shame on you Elsa! SHAME ON YOU!
She will read your unkind word, “Obliterated” and she will feel worse. Yes, this has hit a nerve with me, I too have reached out for help before and been kicked in the face. This is what you have done to her, kicked her in the face. Then she gets to come here and read your selfish blog using her pain as your subject. You know, your 150 bucks an hour is great and I am so happy that you are so great you can get that but honestly? Do you really think that someone who can afford to call you and throw away that much in 1 hours time really needs your help? You have no compassion. My rose colored glasses literally fell off reading your selfish blog, using your readers to help this person because your time is so precious, you are narcissistic. Just the fact that you can’t help someone who is desperate pro-bono really says a lot about you. You may think I am her, I am not but if I knew who she was I’d help her. I’ve been there, I climbed out of the gutter of terrible circumstances and made it out but not after serious contemplation of suicide. I am grateful and I am compassionate and I would help her without a second thought. But then I guess that kind of empathy comes from my earlier struggles, I have a feeling that you Elsa, have yet to have a harsh time of it.
Vahina obviously didn’t read this blog when it was the Advice Blog and Elsa gave free advice every single day.
I like when you ask the Collective, Elsa. Thank you. I remember, too, how back when you wrote advice posts, people in the comments loved chipping in and trying to help, too. Obviously this is still the case.
You don’t seem to understand, vahina, the woman did not ask for help. She distinctly DID NOT ASK for help.
Your projecting onto me is wrong and it’s tiresome.
@kash, most people understood what I was I was doing. Maybe vahina can help this woman who did not ask for help (and who would not even recognize herself based on what I wrote), by telling her what a horror I am, as that seems to be vahina’s main agenda here.
Those who are truly compassionate offered their general advice for anyone in circumstances like this which is what I had hoped for.
…I’ve been there, I climbed out of the gutter of terrible circumstances and made it out but not after serious contemplation of suicide. I am grateful and I am compassionate and I would help her without a second thought. But then I guess that kind of empathy comes from my earlier struggles, I have a feeling that you Elsa, have yet to have a harsh time of it….
Elsa, I don’t know about the rest of what she said but this part infuriates me, especially knowing some of what you’ve been through.
A bit of the holier than thou victim song but I guess your used to that
Agree with Joie73
And I’m going to make a recommendation that is gonna seem strange if you know me, but just roll with it for a minute. (And actually, by writing you, the person in question may have already done her variation of this)
Go to confession. Get it all out there, ask for forgiveness.
And then accept it by forgiving yourself, which you do by taking whatever size steps you’re comfortable with, to make the future better.
One of the things I learned in therapy is that most of my craziness in my brain? I did it, with my reactions to the situation that got me twisted up in the first place. (Granted, I couldn’t have known differently at the time but that doesn’t change the fact – I DID IT.) The thing that offsets the pain of that is knowing that if I screwed up, I own it so I can fix it.
So can you!
Also? Sending some love out. Sounds like a little happy vibe could be useful here. <3
Elsa, I am truly sorry for that vicious attack on you. Please try to transcend that pain.
@vahina
I would help you for free if you would ever need a “therapist”….
Just because we all deserve someone to care for free….
interesting one…friend of mine who is a top level now retired psychologist was talking to me yesterday about the importance of taking time alone, to stop and be with your “self”.. and about how much serenity that gradually brings..maybe whatever the circumstances, that’s the only thing left, to go back to the core of self.
Funny person that one who just ranted on, clearly using the blog as therapy..all free, too 
The “Elsa” described doesn’t resemble anyone we know around here…but hopefully the person concerned feels freed of all that anger now!!! Next thing will be an apology a few months down the line..
Vahina…just another in a long line that doesn’t get it.
Sorry, Elsa.
My stepson is here right now…totally obliterated family ties and any goodwill he had, during Saturn in Libra (!!!).
Saturn in Scorpio is going to be a mud crawl for him. Not being cruel, it’s what happens when one effs up Saturn in Libra.
So how can he redeem himself?
Reboot his life.
Dump the toxic “friends”.
Ask for forgiveness.
Be sincere about admitting he screwed up and wants to be in a better place.
Elsa, if this of any comfort to you, I had not replied to this thread precisely because of your post. Now I feel I must. As I understand it:
1. The woman DID NOT ASK FOR HELP, and
2. All the replies and responses here are little pieces of life force that she may, at will, read and apply to her own life.
Here’s my little piece of life-force to add to the mix. One more time: THE WOMAN DID NOT ASK FOR HELP. What she wanted, I’ll wager, was for another human being to HEAR her. That is all. She didn’t want to BE FIXED. She wanted to BE HEARD.
There is a difference. Please, helpers and fixers, use your discernment. Surely there must be someone your brick-and-mortar world who can benefit from your, umm, “help”.
Have a nice day, everyone
@CancerAGoGo
Quotting Elsa-
“Those who are truly compassionate offered their general advice for anyone in circumstances like this which is what I had hoped for”.
I find your comment about my brick and mortar world and so called “help” offensive….
“Exactly what would you advise to help this person onto a path of healing?”
That was Elsa’s question…we answered as a Collective. This is getting funny. Can we not have a philosophical conversation here without people getting it twisted?
I’m not buying the ‘have a nice day’, sorry!
For the last time, this person’s identity is concealed. I truly don’t think she even reads this blog.
The advice I asked people to give was not for her, but for anyone as I meant to suggest in the title:
“Advice For Someone Who Has Truly Obliterated Their Life”
The mail I got was a DRIVE BY. It was like spray painting on a wall, to get something a person was carrying, out of their being.
It moved me, so I asked my inner circle what they thought. I decided to ask the same question here to see what people around the world thought…and yes, so that someone who felt like this, might get some ideas.
I stated early on, I was not comfortable sharing my ideas and why. There is really no more I can say.
ah people….and their misinterpretations.
Anyone…if I was asked for advice in this type of situation, I for one would applaud them. To look at oneself that deeply and own up to mistakes and failures is such a positive step forward. I’d then recommend making amends or offering apologies to those that had been hurt by their actions (if it applies in this case). If they still feel the need make amends…volunteering at a soup kitchen or something of that nature would get their life moving in a forward motion.
@phoenixrising: Did I mention you specifically? I checked my comment very carefully and your name isn’t there.
Were you offering help? Were you trying to fix? Is that what you do in your world? How would I know this?
Take as much offense as you like. It’s free, and you don’t need permission. Have a ball Just take responsibility for your feeling it.
@kashmiri: Collective? So, no individual thought allowed?
Wow…
Wow! Amazing thread. Elsa, you are a blessing. Now, what advice would I give to a person who had obliterated their life. The last time Saturn left Libra. (Asc.) I turned a tremendous corner. I had obliterated my life by being extremely social. I was always on the go. I was also empty and alone is a crowded room. I picked up a book on meditation. I read the book and tried the meditation. The deep breathing and the stillness opened a flood of profound emotion, (something I never allowed in my interactions). I realized at that moment that my life was not about the next party. My life was about my spiritual evolution. A new beginning, my friends were amazed. Drastic wardrobe changes, authentic communication, stillness. I started practicing yoga and went on to fulfill many long term goals. I have continued in this vein, I am a loving generous authentic being. So, my advice based on my experience would be to try meditation. There is benefit in trying…
Lol, Elsa you must have a good sense of humor to monitor these boards and mind the egos. (I stopped visiting spiritual/esoteric forums for this kind of self righteous, someone always looking for a reason to be offended crap)
Anyway I, in a way, obliterated things. I started building momentum in my career and social life then hid in a shell and got distracted with things and people that didn’t matter or were holding me back and now I’m paying for it painfully. It’s hard to stand there and know you only have yourself to blame and it’s like lifting boulders to rebuild things especially reaching 40. I think the only thing is learn from mistakes and swallow the consequences and only focus on this moment.
Being right here, right now helps.
I’m sorry – there’s someone on this thread calling herself VAGINA with an H?
My apologies, Canceragogo, that I have somehow infringed upon your right to express individual thought. Uranus in my 11th; nothing could be further from my intention. I will not engage with you further. I don’t want to make the same mistake twice.
A confession is genius! I have seen a man come out of the room with a white aura around him. It is cleansing.
You know…I was going to take on this Vahina lady but it’s just too ridiculous to confront.
Projection doesn’t even cover this.
Exactly what I had to do..at a time I thought I’d be able to rest on my laurels a bit, about the same sort of economic events hit…and I had to start over…again. Thing is, whatever we go thru, when we get thru to the other side of it, we can use our experience, strength and hope to help someone else..if they “Ask” us..yes, asking is important; because they don’t need to have anyone to blame anything on, but themselves. The fact that we may not know what else to do, makes no difference…whatever we’ve done, or left undone, leaves a debt of some sort to be repaid. Make a gratitude list…take inventory..we all have more to be thankful for, than we realize, usually. Reach out and help someone…however you can and find a support group..the 12-step program was and is the biggest blessing most of us will ever have. It works if we work it..and when we don’t, we can still fall back on it, til it becomes automatic. We may be human beings instead of human doings, but yet, Faith w/o works, is dead. Shake it off, Smile..get Norman V. Peale’s lst book..The Power of Positive Thinking…and read it everytime you falter. My dtr’s been thru many trials…personal, health, family..and she goes back to that book..and puts it back to work in her life. Try it. It does work and there’s lots of folks who wouldn’t be around, if it didn’t. I count myself as one of those miracles, also. And if I wasn’t at bottom, at the end of my rope, at 28 or 56, maybe I can push past 84, too..like my Capricorn granny did. Everyone else seems to have had a fatal sinking spell, but as one poster said..Capricorn’s get younger with age..and she learned to laugh and lived to nearly 100. Find joy in something, every day..it’s a top priority, for life itself..& find a way to share that joy, with others…right where you are, wherever you find youself, today.
I know that the “process” of this blog is usually the Socratic method of dialogue; of back and forth between teachers/students hoping to distill truth or at least answers to the questions.
For me, it would help to have some synthesis at the end of all these entries. I find they go on and on, but because they are generally so long and there is so much personal information, I lose any idea of solutions to these questions. The blog bogs down in detail, and fades away before anyone mediates and arrives at some sort of answers. I don’t really think anyone in this much pain or addiction or despair would have the time or energy or focus to wade through so much dialogue. It’s as when the medical/rehab community expects the addict or alcoholic to pick up the phone and call for help. Finding a number, a phone or being able to speak to a real person on the other end is often something they are incapable of at that point. I’m only halfway there and not in as much pain, but have been unable to figure out any common threads in these posts for help. Is there someway, as it is Elsa’s blog board, that there can be some wrap up to the posts of all concerned info offered? thank you.
I remember thinking, I wonder what it’s like to hit the bottom. I wanted to know where the floor was. I thought it would help me, or ground me. And I thought when I found it, it would be easier to rise up from it.
I still haven’t found it,it just goes on and on. It just shows us what infinity feels like.
“for gods sake is everything about money? what if she commits suicide? If that happens you will never know and never care. Just my opinion.”
For a start, ‘just my opinion’ with it’s oh-so-false humility is a red rag to a bull, for me And this loony said it twice!
I do wish people would READ what Elsa actually WRITES and make some effort to understand it, before they sound off insulting her for something she didn’t write, didn’t ask, didn’t do and didn’t even think.
She made it clear several times in the thread as well as in her blog post, that the woman’s own and particular circumstances and identity are not at issue here: the question is GENERIC. We were asked what advice we might give to ‘someone who’ – not to THIS woman
Secondly, Elizabeth, this is not a class. Elsa writes a blog, and she usually asks a question at the end to stimulate discussion. Why on earth should she bother to go through all the stuff people choose to spew out to find an ‘answer’? All our circumstances are different: we can take what answers we want from the comments. Some will resonate with one person, some with another
If we can’t synthesise them ourselves to learn what we need to, from them, we’d hardly be any more likely to learn anything from her synthesis. People are not here to be spoonfed, and told what to think. And the ‘answer’ for one person may not work for another
As for some of the bad manners on display here, I can’t imagine what goes through anyone’s mind (mind, ha!) who comes onto someone’s blog to attack and denigrate. Astrology like any other interest attracts its share of sad, embittered and destructive people. I just wish they’d take their sour selves off somewhere else
You know, your 150 bucks an hour is great and I am so happy that you are so great you can get that but honestly? Do you really think that someone who can afford to call you and throw away that much in 1 hours time really needs your help?
*************************************************
I can’t address this right now.
It makes me want to smoke a ciggarette! :/
Actually what I thought was fascinating about this episode was the insistence, really, that Elsa, in response to this email, should set about instantly working for free on this person’s behalf, just because they were upset and “obliterated their life.”
Note the whole financial angle here which had absolutely *nothing* to do with any of the concepts in the entire post, or thread.
Note the plaintive attack — YOU make 150 dollars an hour ( er, really? Has Elsa published her income somewhere? ) — THE STARVING WRITHING MASSES CAN’T AFFORD TO PAY YOU, SUPPLY IT FOR FREE RIGHT THIS INSTANT.
The thing that’s really interesting about this whole line of reasoning is that suddenly this woman’s advertised anguish is worth 150 dollars an hour, and Elsa’s input, skills or services are worth *nothing*.
Apparently two people should be poor because one person is crying.
I foresee a continuation of this kind of argument — it’s an argument about money. Saturn in Scorpio? Oh, yeah, people want to fight about money. And their argument is going to be about what you’re worth.
I was thinking of my request for structure, Saturn (structure, lessons), on this blog for answers to deep,(Scorpio) questions. It is all learning or at least looking for answers. If that it considered a “class”, so be it. Elsa has studied astrology for some time. She has certain strengths and weaknesses in her approach to readings, interpretations, posts and, yes, classes, that she has offered.
I don’t think that I attacked Elsa or anyone, and of course one tries to be aware of how email, texts, or written exchange can be taken the wrong way. Beyond our bloggers initial anger, we are all reading this and looking for knowledge.
I am terrified by the lack of reading comprehension sometimes!
elizabeth2, if you’d like to see synthesis, why don’t you give it a shot, yourself? You seem capable. I don’t understand why you are requesting it just be given to you. Why not just go get it? The knowledge is there for anyone and everyone to distill.
I honestly do not understand showing up on someone’s free blog and requesting it be written the way you’d like, so you understand better. This just doesn’t compute. It’s like asking someone to change the colour of their drapes when you visit their home.
How can a person in mid-life, redeem themselves when they wake up and realize they are completely bereft? Exactly what would you advise to help this person onto a path of healing?
Go help other people. Volunteer. Help the chronically homeless, help those with mental health issues or addictions, work in a food bank, deliver Meals on wheels to seniors confined to their homes. Don’t accept money for your work. Offer your time, your ear, your heart as a volunteer.
As I have read these posts, I’ve noticed that a topic is started, then the attacks begin, then fewer and fewer people comment, as two or three are screaming at each other, until the thread dwindles away or another topic is posted. I’m not sure why my requests for synthesis met with such anger. I am trying to learn. I did not attack anyone, unlike several commentators. Neither did I suggest Elsa change the color of her drapes. Neither am I looking for free information. I have paid Elsa for her time and teaching. It was an attempt to clarify information for my own understanding, and for a shy person like me, braving an open forum, it took quite a bit of courage to post. It was just a request to have the posts be moderated to avoid disintegration. Personally, yes, I have volunteered, yes, given back when I could, whenever possible, my entire life. That is a different path of healing than I am on right now, but thank you for that advice. I suppose I will go back to reading without comment or find another site.
thank you.
I hope that whoever this person is, she is able to let go of any regret that she may have over her past, knowing that we are all human and all make mistakes. I hope that, as so many people here have mentioned, she will treat herself gently and with compassion. I hope she realizes that her past needn’t define her or her future and most of all, I hope she finds peace.
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It’s like you are writing about my son. He is only 19 but keeps digging himself lower. He takes no responsibility for this yet. I don’t know if I have any more advice.