I don’t like it, and I don’t have a plan. I finally have some focus, and am feeling more grounded, so I’m putting that energy where it’s needed. Ever since I’ve been more focused in that area, I’ve felt more and more disgusted and disheartened.

I don’t understand anyone wooing her like that, and then dumping that on her. Was he hoping to have a harem up there? That’s part of what’s disgusted me so much: players are rampant on the internet, and these guys are teaching other guys about how to deal with multiple women, how to deal with the drama most likely to come from ‘handling’ them, and using books like The Power of Now, to help them in their quest.

Thing is, I’m thinking about doing it. Not doing him, but just seeing him Thurs. Feels like some kind of victory if I can just cock block him and watch him squirm. How sad is it that that would be give me an ego boost?

I think my comment got binned

Aw well I said my general strategy is to avoid making assumptions about what people want and what they are trying to do.

My more specific strategy for getting the one I want- leaving him alone and not worrying about him- is my biggest problem because I can’t do it.

How *would* you plan for such a thing here? Other than “weed the bad ones out fast and keep speed dating,” what else can you do?

I also have no idea. I guess it is to always feel as if I am valuable and that if this one doesn’t work out, another will. I have a 5th house stellium, so this is great for lots of love affairs…and the strategy that someone else will come along works for now, as I’m still relatively young (under 30). But I am getting to the point where I would like to find a husband – not because I want a wedding, but because I want to be a wife. I want a devoted relationship. Luckily, I see lots of men my age starting to bloom. It’s like there is this short window of opportunity when they have decided they are going to find “wifey”. They have usually been in their new, permanent job, for over a year, have had a string of relationships they are ready to put behind them and make the next one really work, and also usually some stable living place. They are ready to begin the work of finding a multi-year relationship that will lead to marriage (the ultimate multi-year relationship). My strategy is to make it clear that I am also done wasting time, that I am looking for this too, be quite up front about it, and accept nothing less. My aim is to be open to men being at this stage, and find them, but not necessarily say it out loud to them, that I know what they are looking for.

From then on out, my the most difficult part of my strategy is 1. not sleeping with them too quickly (since I do enjoy sex quite a bit – oh 5th house stellium), 2. not to think about them too much, 3. not to give them too much attention, but to also let them know I’m interested in building things slowly, going forward.

My strategy (aim?) is to become better with seeing the unfolding of a relationship in hindsight, and not get caught up in the jitters of decision making at the beginning of a relationship – foolish things can happen when we don’t take that kind of perspective.

http://www.hookingupsmart.com/

Yeah, I hear you, mahchi. Thinking about canceling on him at the last minute bc really, what’s the point? And I have a lot of work to do.
Believe me, I’m trying to get efficient. I already shed my bf of almost a year last month in a quest to be efficient about this. That’s what makes this guy’s BS so unbelievable! It does make me wonder what the universe is trying to tell me here. I try to move on from someone who was only capable of a limited relationship, and find someone who is a walking cliche of limited relationships. Like Elsa said, baiting the hook and coming up with bad catches repeatedly… And I’m allergic to players. I’m looking for nice men — dorky, intellectual types — and they’re still bad. Guess I just have to be ruthless with the dorks.

I’ve been wondering about the couple Elsa was writing about. where they went on a date, another woman tried to horn in on the man, and he moved to sit on the other side of his date.

Well, I didn’t go out with that guy tonight. I took mahchi’s advice and talked to a dorky scientist guy I met online instead. Much better for my self-esteem. Plus he can actually hold a conversation. That’s a high bar for those types! Maybe there is hope in the universe…

I was seeing a guy with a “harem” for a short time. It worked for me at that point, since I kinda had my own too and was enjoying it. Now I’m seeing a very one-woman sort (Libra!) and I’m happy with that as well. I guess it’s all just about what *you* want and when. I didn’t feel victimized by dating a player but once I realized that there was potential to have greater feelings, I knew I had to cut bait. Know thyself, right? Oh and guess who has been acting ego hurt now that I’m exclusively dating??

It doesn’t surprise me that he’s still chasing you. I don’t know why, when you tell them “no”, it’s a like waving a red flag at a bull, but when they say “no” that’s the final answer, and you’re needy and pathetic should you openly wonder why. whenever I’ve made my way to move on, then they’re suddenly wanting my attention again.

I’ve just seen an article from Rori Raye in my email, called, “What to do when he’s backing away.” It made me smirk, the images in my head: like Pepe le Pew running away from the cat, once she’s been hit by something, and suddenly wants him.

Just following up on “polyamory” man story:
Saw him today for a casual hike, bc I said I would be his friend but not do him. He was all chatty and happy and made no move on me. Gave me his jacket bc it started raining. Told me how I need to dress for future hikes in bad weather, since I’m a novice. Made me tea afterwards. At the end, gave me a big hug and made a plan for another hike.
Overall, he treated me with a lot of respect and seems happy I called him on his bs. Got no sense of animosity from him at all.
??

Actually marveling at the politeness. But you’re right — it’s probably just his player M.O.
Nah, not joining the harem. Just enjoying the company until someone better comes along. Is that bad? Never would cancel a date for him, but if I got nothing else on the schedule…
Keeping it in the daytime and the great outdoors, and keeping my legs shut.