I have several clients, burdened by the fact their parents are dependent on them. I certainly believe in family taking care of family but what if the parents are addicted? What if the adult child is throwing good money after bad every time the cut a check to their parent(s) who just can’t seem to put the bottle (or the equivalent) down?
My husband and I think it is the worst thing in the world to burden your kids and would do just about anything in the world to avoid it. Unfortunately not all parents feel this way. Some have no qualms about using guilt to manipulate their children into funding their addictions. This is a Saturn problem of course. Boundaries with parents and I don’t think it’s all that uncommon.
Have you dealt with this or are you dealing with it now?
Let’s say your parent(s) call you and want you to pay their rent (again). They threaten suicide and tell you that they are going go be homeless if you do not cough up the money. They are irresponsible. You work but are totally unable to save a dime for yourself due to their constant need. You’re in your mid to late 20′s and desperately want to establish yourself. You don’t want to move your parents in with you but can’t afford to maintain the two households.
What do you do?
14 Responses to “Your Dependent (Addictive) Parents”
Thats a hard one I’ve been lucky in the parental area to not have to deal with that finacially. I have a Cap dad and a cancer mom with venus conj her sun. Though she has gone through some medical issues that have affected her ability to be as good with her money later in life as she was when she was young. but all I have had to do was attempt to help her keep her finances straight. Her cancer stellium falls in my 2nd house opposite my jup in cap in the 8th. She is a bit emotionally needy and I now realize always has been so while I dont have to fork out money that takes away from my own household I do often fork out emotionally and energetically which used to really drain some of my households emotional/energetic supply. But these last couple years with the cardinal energy and saturn going through my 4th and 5th has been restructuring even that
Thank you Elsa for writing on this topic!
Yes, I’m dealing with this! I’ve mentioned it several times on the boards. I’m 30 and have been dealing this directly for about 2 years now, and before that time every now and then they’d ask for some money. But these past 2 years, I’ve just basically spent the majority of my income on keeping a roof over their heads and their bills paid and their refrigerator full. They’re not addicts, but they have their issues that they are just simply not working on at all, and expect me to pay for it. And they always use the guilt card. “Do you not want to help? Are you really so selfish that you want us to suffer?” etc.
It’s just crazy and it’s gotta stop. I’ve been working on my boundaries for some time now, and I have some success! Just recently after warning them several times over a long period of time, I said “No. This stops here. No more money. You take care of your own bills. I want to have my own life and my own home and maybe my own family but I can’t do it if I have to pay for your lives too.” I got my own place and I am trying to be free.
Saturn is currently ending his transit in my 11th and moving on to my 12th, nearing my Pluto there. I certainly had to reevaluate my relationships (Saturn in Libra) and my goals and dreams in life (11th house).
Been there. Spent so much money and time. 50 thousand dollars later. It’s over, not because of the money, because of the constant mind sucking need and horrible selfish draining theatrics.
As my life became more challenging, I needed to sever contact for my mental health.
I’m a Cancer sun, Virgo moon. Very hard to me your parent’s parent. Got Venus conjunct Saturn? You bet I do.
oh, ScorpioMoonGirl, that’s what I used to hear all the time! “You’re so selfish!!!” haha
I meant to write BE your parent’s parent. I’ve been typoing like mad.
Myself, I had highly-dysfunctional, absent parents who haven’t been in my life since my teens; so I think my chances are slim to none of having this situation play out for me. You reap what you sow, yes ? Having said that, I would DIE before I leaned on my kids to support me. I feel badly enough that I now charge them rent, as they’re all adults now, but if I didn’t; they’d just blow their money and be in for a rude awakening when they finally move out on their own. If I could pay for everything by myself, I would; but their father died leaving nothing for them. We struggle together, and I’m working hard to set a good example by creating a future for myself; after devastating losses. But everyone does their part, and we’re focused on what’s important.
I have so much compassion for someone in that position, because their genuine love and loyalty are being exploited, and taken for granted; with emotional blackmail being thrown behind it. This situation brings me to tears, and I pray that strength and resolution overtakes their respective situations; and there is peace for them. If it’s addiction, there is support through Al-Anon Family Groups. They’re 12-step, and they’re everywhere. This situation is universal among its members, and the caring and support are tangible, offering something to hold onto while everything seems to spin out. I hope this or the otherwise best solution find these souls. Namaste ~
@omie – I’ve got Venus very exactly quincunx Saturn…
It is indeed hard to be your parent’s parent but that’s what I have felt like for a long time now. I want to be an independent adult not anyone’s parent but my own future kids.
I have children in this position although my son’s in-laws are not addicted to any substance they are addicted to keeping their adult children babies. These people are over indulgent to their children. In fact it is nearly the same as being addicted to a substance. In fact two of my son’s have this going on in their lives. One of my Son’s moved to another part of the state for 6 months just to keep his in-laws from spoiling his girls. In fact my son and his wife the parents of these girls will not let us give them presents because her parents buy them so much stuff. Her parents had to file bankruptcy due to them over spending on the grand children. The other son who is in a similar situation his in-laws who just happen to very good friends of mine will pay for utilities for their son’s family and then turn around and ask their daughter my son’s wife for money because they are broke. Not an addiction to a substance but still not right either in either situation.
Oh man, I tried to post something but it disappeared..
Just wanted to say I think counseling can be really, really helpful here. Counseling to help you have that conversation with parents, where you set the limits, express your boundaries, and share resources (other than self) that may give them the support they need. And counseling to help you let go of the guilt that comes from doing this. Or, if it comes to cutting ties completely, counseling to support you through that kind of move.
The parent/child (kid or adult) relationship is so complex. My heart aches for anyone who has to go through this, on top of it all. Ugh.
This happened to one of my exes. During his Saturn Return in Libra, he kicked one parent out of his life for good.
move away from all their crazy asses. lmao!
In my experience, you put the hell up with it because your parents are your family (hell, they’re your new CHILDREN), and you can’t deal with the fucking guilt that you’d have to live with for the rest of your life if you let them drown.
My parental situation isn’t this bad, but I feel massive guilt about my parents as is already.
Call them on their shit and stop enabling them. Limit your interaction with them, and treat them the way you would any other addict, but make it clear that that is what you are doing while you are doing it so they learn to think through their actions. Give them a list of resources they can turn to for help, and make sure they are on track with a plan to get their life back together or they can forget about having food on the table and rent in the future. Build in rewards/punishments. Get them to counselling/rehab/whatever treatment they need.
This isn’t tough love. It’s having a life plan in tough times. If they can’t hack it, well then neither can their child if they drag them down with them.
I worked through high school and college and tried so hard to fix everything, but now that I’m an adult you realize it’s not going to change unless you do first. They sure as hell won’t on their own, so just give them extra incentives, care, and the responsible upbringing they never got. Parent them with a view to letting go asap.
Get A Consultation
Schedule a consultation by phone
Schedule a consultation by email
Read what clients have said about usThanks, we look forward to working with you! :-) - Elsa P
Order a Report
Order a Transit Report
Order a Solar Return Report
Order a Relationship Composite Report
Order both relationship reports, save 10%
Order a Lunar Return ReportHeads Up from Elsa P!
Sign up below to get my free weekly email newsletter covering the astrology of the next week. I send this email out every Thursday.
Recent Blog Comments
- serena009: I love this article. I have Jup-Sat opposition in my SR and it'...
- Jennifer: Another great post, Elsa. :) <3
- morgan: Astrology correction :) Saturn return. 2nd house. No value for s...
- morgan: I can relate to this. I've cut off people who have drained the e...
- Peace Be With You: Jupiter has been opposing Saturn quite a bit in the last one yea...
- debdeb: Amazing.
- daisy: I have a jupiter sun and a saturn moon. I have mastered bullet #...
Recent Board Posts
I don’t mind addicts as long as they are high-functioning. This stuff is just BS. I couldn’t put up with it for long. You bet I’d go the ‘tough love’ route and leave them to their own devices.