Men Who Withhold Sex

This is one of the touchy areas but ya’ll know I am drawn to these topics so if you’ll indulge my 8th house:

  • Has a man ever withheld sex from you?
  • Why do you think he did this?
  • How was the issue resolved (if it was resolved)?
  • Have you withheld sex yourself?

Thanks!

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Men Who Withhold Sex — 39 Comments

  1. Yes a man has withheld sex from me. (He has Mars in Scorpio conjunct Saturn in Scorpio)
    I honestly don’t know why a man would do this to a woman who is willing to give it to him anytime and anywhere, other then the fact that he controls his sexual urges too much and maybe uses it as a power trip.
    It gets resolved if I bitch enough and say he needs to ask himself why I man would have a sex drive like his…. and lastly, it is impossible for me to withhold sex, I have only done it once to show him how I felt and regret ever doing that. =) (I got alot of Scorpio and he has alot of gemini)

  2. I had one boyfriend once (Libra) who didn’t always want to have sex when we spent the night together. He didn’t withhold sex for any reason, other than just not feeling interested at that moment! He wasn’t a very passionate man. Other than that, if a man has withheld sex it’s been only when the relationship was on the rocks anyway; and I’ve never had that in a domestic situation

    I didn’t exactly withhold sex from my husband, I just lot interest in having sex with him fairly early on! I’d thought at the start we could resolve certain problems together, but he never had the self-confidence – nor the ability to lose his self-consciousness – to enable that to happen. So sex became a chore for me – and I really did try to help.

    I carried on for a long time (a few years) trying never to turn him down, but we ended up after six years in separate bedrooms, which says it all. It had become impossible to hide the fact that I just wasn’t turned on by sex with him…

  3. Yes. He was hung up on being “pure” and was convinced that sexuality was the devil’s tool.

    Not kidding.

    He didn’t even want to disrobe around me.

    Mars/Saturn conjunct in Pisces, Aqua Sun square Neptune, and Cap Moon.

  4. I withheld sex with my 1st boyfriend because he was a drunk who pissed the bed. I thought it would be a good way to get him sober.

    Ha ha…not.

    Turns out he liked getting wasted and peeing the bed way more than he liked getting laid, and so I dumped him and carried on.

  5. Does falling asleep early count as witholding sex? Probably not the same thing,but boyfriend was mortified he fell asleep when I was in the mood and vowed to make it up to me the next night. I have worked out to go to bed early too.

  6. Yes, I have had men withhold sex and it was as painful as hell. It was mostly as a weapon – I want to hurt you and make you feel as undesireable as possible.

    I have never withheld sex.

  7. I don’t know how to put this delicately but does anyone think a man may not want to have sex because the woman has been bitching all day, all week, all month, all year? Does anyone think that may kill desire?

  8. Of course that kills desire! But it works the other way around, too. My mom stopped sleeping with her last live-in because she was so pissed about his mouth running all day about how she was doing things WRONG — ie, not like he would. *shrugs*

    Libra: I feel compelled to be fair / provide another viewpoint. ;)

    Personally, I have never intentionally withheld sex. I’ve not been in the mood for intimacy, sometimes for extended periods, but it wasn’t a power play (though I’m sure the other person would disagree). If my men have ever tried to withhold sex from me, it was subtle enough of a ploy to escape my notice. :P

  9. •Has a man ever withheld sex from you?
    No ;)
    •Have you withheld sex yourself?
    No, I don’t withhold on purpose, but I also, don’t give it unless I feel loving and loved.
    Angie

  10. Sure, a guy could withhold sex, or just plain not want someone due to her mouth running (or spending too much money, or not keeping the house clean enough, etc.). What about a partner who withholds sex from someone who’s labouring to do everything right, but just can’t make any headway with him ?
    My ex withheld not just sex, but affection and approval from me as well. Hurt. Like. Hell. I bent over backwards and went into debt, trying to meet his ‘conditions’ for proper treatment; completely inept that I deserved to feel cherished unconditionally, by this person who took vows with me.
    So yeah, this hits a sore spot to be sure. I’m not sure what angers me more — the fact that he could exact such naked cruelty, or that I was brain-dead enough to hang around and take it; extenuating circumstances aside. He’s long gone, but I haven’t bothered to look for another one, because deep down, I only expect more of the same. Never again. Grrrrr… Two and a half years in therapy was not nearly enough to address the issues that did get handled, AND this; but at least I’m together enough to take care of what really matters. I can live without a spouse, ya know ?

  11. Its almost impossible for me to with hold sex.

    One boyfriend was really into all the holistic organic stuff, martial arts, eastern medicine, etc. I think he said he read somewhere that men only have a certain amount of sperm and when you use it up you basically die.

    -shrugs-

    Well he did get me to quit smoking.

  12. A guy never withheld it from me. I withheld it. With the first one it was because he was a drunk and I refused to get pregnant by him. The second one treated me like crap during the day, then wanted it at night. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I would purposely watch TV, read a book, or lay like a dead fish during it to show him just how much I couldn’t stand him. It’s so nice to be divorced! I notice that both exes have Mars in or conjunct my 7th equal and within one degree of my Equal House cusps.

  13. yes, I’ve had sex withheld once. He was a Cappy, and was trying to get revenge because I turned him down in the wee hours of the morning on a work night after he woke me up.

    We just COULD NOT get our timing together…he’d want it when I was half dead, and apparently I wanted it when he “should” be working on the yard etc… *sigh* This was really unfortunate because he was one of the top sexual experiences in my life, and we were good in bed together, very good.

    I withheld sex from my husband, it’s hard to lay with a person who’s just pulled you around the bedroom by your hair and smacked you up and called you names. He’d just take it anyway and I’d lie there seething with rage…

  14. …mhhh…my long distance boyfriend has been very short of sexual interest for me ( we see each other once a month)…
    when confronted on the topic he told me he just has no reaction down there…
    The possibility of him cheating on me is unlike
    since we talk to each other dozens of times every day.
    He is overwhelmed by too much work tough.
    I really do not know what position should I take about it: be comprehensive of him or of my unsatisfaction.
    Up to now I’m not setting my own needs first, I hope the situation will solve itself somehow.

  15. I don’t withhold sex and neither does my husband but sometimes we’re just not on the same page at all. Or we’re miss reading each other.

  16. Whooeee, this is a timely topic to see!

    Let’s get the astro outta the way-I’m a Taurus w/ a Sagg Moon (exactly inconjunct my Sun and conjunct my Saturn) Aries Venus (on the Asc) and Gemini Mars (opp the Moon/Saturn conj). He’s a Pisces w/ a Virgo Moon and Aries Merc, Mars, and Venus, as well as Scorpio RIsing. In our synastry, my Gem/Sag opposition is exactly square his Pisces/Virgo opp so we make a lovely mutable tsquare.

    My guy and I have been together for 2.5 years. When we first started dating, it was more like having sex for days at a time. Very passionate and intense and Plutonian. Then I got pregnant and we moved into my mother’s house. I had an abortion, we stayed with my mom for about 9 months until we found our own place, where we are now. He owns a small business recording music, so almost all of his workdays are 10+ hours long. I’ve bounced around from job to job until I started massage school, where I am now.

    My sex drive is out of this world-I’ve never been with a man who can keep up with me for any extended period of time. He’s the opposite-before we were together, he went 1.5 (ish) years without sex, just work and weed and more work and more weed. His friends thought he was gay just because he was so disinterested in women.

    Our chemistry, at first, was amazing. He was exactly what you would expect of a man with a Scorpio Asc and that lovely Aries conjunction-passionate, playful, interesting, so so so sexy. And then it started to taper off, expected of our living situation and how long we’d been together. And then it just stopped-once I let him know he could jump me when I was asleep, that was all that would happen. A quick tumble in the middle of the night, no kissing, no ‘love making’, no passion. Basically like a quick rub off to get to sleep. We’ve gotten to a place where we maaaaaybe have sex once a week if I go and get it. But it’s really more like once every 10 days, maybe more.

    I’ve tried lingerie, sexy texts/emails, sex toys, sexy pictures, aphrodisiacs, withholding until I can’t take it anymore, everything. He is usually too tired at night and too antsy in the morning.

    Do I think he’s withholding from me to hurt me? Not really. I think he’s not made for sex like I am. I know he think I’m beautiful but that doesn’t mean sexy.

    I am a great roommate, house partner, whatever. I do more than my share of the work at home because he has his business, which I don’t mind usually. When we fight, he starts it with his crazy Pisces/Virgo crazy and I’ll exacerbate it with my Gem/Sag crazy, somewhat unintentionally. We think he is mildy bipolar and he self medicates with weed. And nope, no makeup sex. What’s that? :P

    I think, somewhere in his brain, I’ve become so important to him that he just forgets that we’re lovers. We have a very friendly relationship, lots of hanging out doing ‘guy’ stuff (video games mostly) at the house. And I’ve started wonder if he’s so afraid I’ll get pregnant that he can’t do it anymore.

    But then there comes night like tonight. I’m so horny I can’t sleep and when I try to kiss and love on him, nothing, just a murmur and he roles over. I could try in the morning but part of me knows that’s fruitless. I’ve come to the point where I’m seriously considering looking outside of our relationship for sex. But the thought of how hurt he would be always stops me. I’m pretty confused about the whole thing.

    And, before anyone says to talk to him about this, I have and I am met with rage that only a Scorpio Asc conj Pluto with a North Node in Taurus in the 8th can bring. He refuses to speak about it.

    Thanks. Sorry for the ramble.

  17. No man’s ever withheld. When I did intentionally, years ago with my ex, it was because he was psychologically abusive and I wasn’t experienced enough to understand what was going on.
    I run either very hot or very cold and this is obviously frustrating to my partner, but it’s never intentional. Venus in Scorp, conj Saturn/Mars in Cap.

  18. @Elsa “If a man withheld sex from me, I would leave the next day. I’m not into it. Not in the least.”

    but then, what if the woman was bitching?

    I guess I don’t get whose fault is where. Everyone makes mistakes? Sex should heal?

  19. hrae, my husband told me it was hardest thing in the world for a man to fuck he woman who was a bitch, so how is that for balance? :)

    Sorry about the festering!

  20. haha the festering isn’t something to be sorry for! it’s good that my mind was going.

    I was just thinking about the cycle – if a man withholds sex, is it her fault or his or both? on her side, she can’t see anything wrong with her bitching, and on his side, he’s being passive-aggressive?

  21. My boyfriend, who is a Virgo/Taurus Moon was great in the beginning our relationship sexually. Not sure if his jogging had something to do with it, but I’m a Scorpio so I have a pretty high sex drive and he seemed ok with it. The more we were together the less he jogged and I noticed over the span of a few months his sex drive decreased quite a bit. As others stated, it was so hurtful and I would think “this has never happened to me before, most of my ex’s were all over me. . what’s wrong that he no longer seems interested in sex.” Then it seems in addition to the loss of sex drive, he didn’t seem to initiate affection, compliments, nothing anymore. So I started asking him lots of questions in an attempt to find out if it was something I was doing to damper his drive– and he said he was stressed due to bills. . .which I guess maybe some guys are different, stress over bills never made me lose my sex drive, but I decided to not push anymore for an answers and let it be to see if maybe things would change since he knew that I noticed it. It’s sad and unfortunate because we are supposed to get married next year (2014) and I find myself questioning if this is going to work–

    So I initiate sex and he acts like I”m bothering him. Then to make matters worst, I find myself masturbating now which pisses me off because I have a man lying next to me every night! Then I find myself looking at him in disgust because I’m thinking what the hell is wrong with you, you’ve got a woman who will give it to you whenever you want and you don’t want it!!!! It’s so frustrating, because I know I’m attractive and I’ve never questioned myself and now I find myself feeling a bit insecure and that’s a bad place to be. I do think partly for him, this maybe a control mechanism, a cruel one, but a control mechanism nonetheless which also adds to my irritation because why do that to someone and risk them cheating on you because after all, they have needs too.

    • Have you tried talking to him and telling him all of what you just wrote? My husband and I have had our times of troubled sex life. I was the one stressed out and not interested. Him constantly wanting from me when I wasn’t interested made me even more stressed out. Then there was the matter of just having sex and him wanting it again and me feeling like -wasn’t that enough? We ended up at one point having a big blow out and he said in the end it didn’t matter because he still loved me. I’ve always loved him. Once things settled down and I began to get some energy back things were good again. My problem was energy. I’d come home from work and just want to sleep. But your boyfriend might have a different concern. I’d urge you to talk it out until you’re satisfied he’s heard and understood you and you’ve heard and understood him before you cancel any wedding plans.

      • Yes we have discussed it. He said that it wasn’t that he doesn’t find me attractive or that he’s not attracted to me anymore, he said that it’s stress (I was laid off last year) so financially everything pretty much has been on him. He said he’s always thinking about how he’s going to pay this or that. I do understand that everyone is different and that some people don’t operate the way others do under stress. Having said that, sex has always been an outlet for me, it really does help me if I’m stressed, anxious, can’t sleep, . . it’s like a cure all lol. . I mentioned in my first blog that I noticed when he jogs his sex drive seems to go back to normal, so my first thought was maybe he has low testosterone but of course when I mentioned he needed to check it he looked at me like I was crazy. That concerns me because if it is that and he needs some medical attention judging from his reaction he’s not going to have it checked. But it’s all so incredibly crazy to me, because it seems like most men would recognize they’re coming up short on the loving and think “I better do something wouldn’t want her to cheat, leave me, etc.” but with him all my comments about being sexually frustrated, feeling undesirable to him fall on deaf ears. . it’s almost like he doesn’t care which makes me angry that he’s not taking my concerns more seriously. Then he made the comment that he’s “holding out for marriage” that if we do it all the time now, when we get married it won’t be anything special. I think that was an excuse. Then it crossed my mind that maybe he’s doing this to punish me because I’m not working, of course I’m guessing at this point because his answers “to me” don’t make sense. However in the meantime, I’m feeling so frustrated I could pull my hair out, and it’s so unfair to me because I truly love him but lately I’ve had thoughts of cheating which has never been something I would ever consider doing to someone. But in addition to the lack of loving, it’s also lack of intimacy in other ways– he’s seldom affectionate which all things considered, makes you feel like you’re a ugly troll. The mental torment for me is as bad as the physical now.

        • Never hurts to discuss it again. And again. And again. May sound like you’re getting no where. Absolutely no where. Feels like you’re repeating yourself. I still recommend doing it again. Make sure he isn’t distracted and nothing can distract you from the conversation. If you end up yelling at each other, okay. But come back later and talk about it again. If you’re feeling like you want to cheat because of this – he needs to understand that. He needs to understand the risk.

          In the mean time you can see if there’s anything else you can do that can relieve his stress. Okay, so bills are the big issue. Can’t easily remedy that with out winning the lottery right? But you can cook him a nice dinner just for the hell of it. Find small things you can do for him that show your love, without attaching any thing else to it. Just do it because you love him. Give him a massage after work. Small stuff like that.

          Also, there’s always couple’s counseling. Most people get offended the first time it’s mentioned but it really can help. Especially in the area of communication which is so very important.

          • Well “falconbridge” I’ve enjoyed our dialogue if you want to email me directly it’s (cclay40@yahoo.com) but I fear this is the last curtain call for me. We talked last night and he said that stress has killed everything for him, and that he’s unsure if he even wants to be with me. I guess I got my answer on where the passion has gone. I know it’s rough on him, and I read some articles on-line last night about the effects of unemployment on relationships and from what I read sadly quite a few people got dumped, looks like I may be among them. I think the thing that also saddened me is that he’s told me he loves me and that I was the best thing to ever happen to him– and then to hear that someone is undecided about being with you shatters the trust you had in them. I maybe different, but when I tell someone I truly love them I am there for them hell or high water. Then I wonder if this happened for a reason because your marriage vows say ” for richer or poorer, sickness and in health. . .” and already he’s ready to bail on me, perhaps this was a preview of the future I would have with him –that he’d be with me as long as things were good, but if there are any trials along the way, he’d be ready to leave. I haven’t had income for 4 months, you’d think it was two years. I talked to one of my girlfriends last night who is in a similar situation (her boyfriend moved in with her and just got laid off, but when he was employed he didn’t help her financially; which I think its a worst situation). .but she said even with all that going on they still make love 3 times a week! I really felt a reject after that. I communicated my tail off last night but it appears having a good woman isn’t high on his list right now, it’s all about finances. His birthday was Tuesday (August 27) and since I”m not working I did a poor man’s celebration– so I did make a cake from scratch, made lasagna for dinner, cards, balloons. .and the next day I get this so it seems I am the one only really still trying to keep a connection going. Cried myself to sleep last night and woke up crying. .I have a lot of stress on me too, I’ve always been independent and it’s hard seeing him struggle and not be able to help right now, and then the added stress of him treating me coldly because if it while you’re trying to keep your mind and thoughts in a positive place while you’re seeking employment is even harder. Don’t know what else can be done at this point sigh.

  22. Have I ever been with someon who has with held sex ? No.

    Do I with-hold sex? Yes.

    I think , at the beginning, with my first sexual experience, I used to think sex was an amazing experience.

    But as I got older and my partners increased, I wasn’t so into it anymore. It got to a point where it was too mechanical,sam ol’ same ol’ action.

    I actualy prefer watching porn and stimulating my partner in other ways-rather than with actual penetration. But I guess that wouldn’t count as sex? Eh, I don’t know.

    The “bam bam” , lay on top of you until I salivate,below the belt, hip action sex , just doesn’t do it for me any more.

    I have Venus in Scorpio , Mars in Libra (poorly aspected by Moon and Mercury)

  23. They do this? If a man ever did this to me he’d probably be watching my ass as it walked out the door. Sex is a human right and shouldn’t be toyed with. Mars in Scorpio.

  24. This is fascinating to me. In a previous relationship gave sex on demand for years (yes. YEARS) and pretty sure I ended up with as much resentment as someone who is experiencing withholding. I can honestly say that my needs did not matter to him, and performing on someone else’s drive is just as damaging, no matter what end of the spectrum. Extreme is extreme.

    It’s weird having the opposite of most other people. I almost never talked about it and the few times I did I would get ‘you’re so lucky, my partner never wants to have sex’ or ‘oh, I’d love that.’

    Really? You’d love having sex with someone because they guilt and manipulate you? You have sex every day, often twice a day for years because if you don’t you are made to feel like a manipulative, selfish fridge? You are shown disdain because you aren’t ready to screw in 15 seconds of foreplay?

    In the end I was left and it’s telling that my first thought was ‘thank god I don’t have to have sex with you anymore.’

    Sex is best when you’re both happy, willing, and able. Period.

    • Ugh my husband and I have not had sex in years, he says, due to his stage 4 cancer and stress, he is just not interested, but he is capable of doing other physical activities so it doesn’t make much sense to me. Like he even pushes me away now when I go in for a hug or kiss. I want to leave so badly but it’s so complicated.

      He was really affectionate at the beginning of our relationship and it slowly kind of tapered off into nothing so it wasn’t like, “Ok, month 2 of the relationship, guess we are not sexually compatible so I better find someone else.” For a while I thought we were a really good match and he treated me really well, but being an Aries, I guess once he had me and the chase was over, maybe he decided he was no longer interested. I certainly wasn’t ever a bitch to him.

      I left him for a while around the one year mark, but he begged me to come back and promised to go to counseling, which we did. In counseling he promised to do better, and he did for a while, but as soon as he had me back he got comfortable again and went back to his old ways. Unfortunately by the time I realized he had tricked me we had a child on the way. So between his cancer and me being financially dependent on him because I left the work force to take care of our child I feel really unhappy but trapped. I love my daughter but sometimes it’s hard not to wonder whether she was worth all this pain.

      I know, I know, go get a job, but I’ve tried and the economy is just not very good. I’m overqualified or don’t have enough experience for anything I’ve applied for, which trust me, has been a lot. At least that’s what I’m guessing. Most employers I just don’t hear back from at all.

      This is pretty much the hardest dilemma in a relationship because it feels shallow to want to leave a relationship with a terminally ill person you love because of lack of sex, and I don’t want to cheat, but as many of you have made very clear, sex is a biological need and lack of basic minimal affection really takes a toll. I had the sense to leave both a physically abusive relationship and a cheater when I was younger; I don’t know how/why I got to the point of justifying emotional abuse. Just kind of happened over time. Uranus was transiting my Mars the night of our first date. Maybe that threw my good judgment out the window.

      Ladies, no matter how great you think your relationship is, never give up your financial independence. Always have a way out and don’t ever let a man have power over you. He might not turn out to be as great as he seems at first. If it gets to the point where you think you have to go to counseling to fix it, it’s probably only going to get fixed temporarily or not at all. I’m sure counseling has worked for some people, and I’m sure someone on the boards has an anecdote that proves me wrong, but if your man doesn’t really want to change, nothing is going to force him. Listen to your gut instinct and follow it. Not everything that’s bad ever gets better. If you leave, you probably left for a reason. Don’t ever go back. That’s what I’d tell myself if I could go back in time.

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