Last night I was talking reality with my son. I explained that fuel costs were rising as was the cost of food.
“Say you have $100 and you spend $50 of it to fill your car with gas so that you can get to work. That leaves you $50 to buy food. But what if now cost $75 to fill the tank of your car? Now you’ve only got $25 for food and then you get to the grocery store and see the price of the food is higher than what you are used to paying. Can you see how that would create a problem?”
He could understand.
I recently worked very hard to make him understand that his grades at school really did matter. He gets this now but had I not really impressed this upon him, I don’t think he would. He went to school to spread the word – that your failing in 8th grade is going to create a problem in 9th and 10th, 11th and 12th and life in general but no one believes him. The kids simply don’t think that anything bad can happen. This makes my son a “doomsayer” of course. How Saturnian!
It’s hard to talk to a kid about this stuff in this day. It scares them, it’s true and they are not used to that. I had to question myself. Am I burdening my son when I tell him these things? It almost feels as if I am because other parents don’t do this but then I realized this is how I learned what is essentially common sense.
My grandfather, Henry kept his grandchildren apprised of what was going on in the world. He explained his actions as far as what he bought and when and why and due this, I learned. I told my son that things were changing and I did not want him to be blindsided.
“Don’t take my word for it. We pass the Circle K every day on the way to the bus stop. Keep an eye on the cost of gas on the sign out front. You’ll see it go up or it will go down and the price of everything is going to be affected by that. Don’t worry about it,” I explained. “This is just how you live in the world. Be aware of changes around you and cause and affect. This will keep your life interesting. Also, if something bad does happen you’ll have an easier time dealing with it because you won’t be all shocked. You’ll have seen it coming so no big deal. Life is dynamic and I want you to be involved in it. See what you see and draw conclusions…”
Do you teach you children about the harsh realities of life or try to shelter them from this kind of stuff?
24 Responses to “Teaching Kids About Harsh Realities”
This would’ve been a nice lesson for me to have learned when I was in middle school. In 7th grade I spent the entire year in math joking around with my friend, because of this I did poorly. So in 8th grade, rather than pu me into pre-algebra, they put me in “math 8″. So, freshman year I did pre-algebra rather than algebra and so on, all the way through high school. I was always an entire level behind. It totally screwed me on the SATs as a result. All because of one lazy year. Wish my parents had explained it to me.
That’s well put, StarF. At least a kid should be told they are headed for trouble. I feel VERY on the outside here. It’s like there is one of me and the rest of the world tells my son that all he has to do is get another credit card and run it up too!
I’ve been thinking a lot about that very thing. It blows my mind that there is no subject in school teaching kids about credit, debt, taxes, etc. I got a ton of credit cards right out of high school, so did my sister. I’m STILL paying off a discover card from that time. I was requires in middle school to take shop class and home ec. Where’s the debt class?
I am a “no holds barred” mother. I tell it like it is to my kids about everything – sex, economy, religion, etc. It is hard to keep my opinion out of it, but I try my best. My motto in parenting is: Be prepared and then you’re not surprised.
I understand you Elsa, I’m not a parent who tries to shield their kids either – subsequently, you are not alone on the outside…
I use to shelter them, but now I tell them the truth.
I totally resonate with your approach, Elsa!
Knowing the rules of the game is a plus. Knowing the rules that lead to success makes the game more interesting and rewarding!
I shelter my cat from the evils outside the door, he does not need to know or see the homeless cats…
My initial instinct in a given situation is to shield, but I have worked hard to cultivate honesty and openness with my children. My mother was very much the shielding type, and while I understand that in her mind she was protecting us, it has always left a bitter taste in my mouth. My son, in particular, thirsts for the truth, especially the dark truths (sun conj. pluto). I think attempting to shield him would result in some shaky self-esteem for him, because in one sense he already knows these truths, he just needs them confirmed.
Hey, if my kids can handle me they’ll do fine in the world.
The summer after 8th grade my son visited the Marine Museum & one exhibit will help explain his existance at home. You step onto a platform & stand at attention then a recording starts of a drill instructor yelling at your for 1 minute.
When it was over & my son stepped down & the Marine said “good work son, you didn’t even flinch” & my son replied “You haven’t met my mother”. I’m sure they’re still telling that story at the museum.
No matter what generation our kids are brought up in there will always be a different set of circumstances for which they have to eventually build their own set of morals and values upon. At some point I believe that we leave behind our parent’s belief system and create one of our own. That is not to say that the lessons we learn from our parents do not enhance our experiences as we learn and grow but eventually we will incorporate those lessons into a view point that is all our own.
I was not fortunate enough to grow up in a loving and nurturing family environment; However, even though it may have taken me longer than most to sift through some of the slanted views I was encompassed in growing up, I have found that even those negative and slanted views had some value in creating my identity overall. It’s just that ultimately, I have seen from firsthand experience how we are molded and shaped by the universe if we allow ourselves to be. We eventually align with our true inner “self” not only in our morals and values, but in our own belief system and our own self expression as well. My thoughts…
Thanks Elsa, love your site!
This is a great post and so true… it doesn’t seem like teaching consequences to children is very popular right now. I’m a new parent and have some time before I really have to deal with big issues like this, but I’m curious how you get these concepts to sink in for kids? It seems like a lot of kids can understand that bad things happen to people, they just don’t think those bad things will happen to them.
When I was 4 my sister stole a candy bar and my dad took us ALL to the police station. I remembering giggling (probably because I was 4) and the policeman yelling at me to smarten up.
My parents were definitely prepared to tell us of the harsh realities of life, right from the get go!
Elsa,
This is not harsh at all. What is harsh will be the way life will beat their brains in for not knowing.
I think you are doing the right thing. I wish more people would do the same. I try to do it with younger people around me – sometimes they listen – many time they don’t.
There is a huge difference between being negative and fearmongering and encouraging someone (in this case your son) to use wisdom/critical/long term thinking to be prepared/ better adapt to circumstances.
To me that is an act of LOVE. When you do that you are saying I want you to thrive and be well.
I’m the same way except for my daughter is a whole lot younger.I seem like such a hard ass about rules and money and cost of things,how the world really works.You went about it a better way than I do admittedly though,I should take your example and use it,instead of just “everything costs too much”,thank you for sharing your convo Elsa.
On another note ,regardless how much “stranger danger” I preach,she is likely to go off with anyone,hug and them and be their best friend,even if it’s a pervert with a molester van.I have to reign that blind extroversion in and teach her that not everyone is safe.Bad things happen to people,even good people that don’t deserve it.I’m fairly sure I’m the Saturn opposing her sun in her chart :-/ Meh,it’s a drag for both of us.
My kids’ father died, leaving just me, a displaced stay-home mom; to care for them. I don’t think it gets much harsher than that.
I don’t have any children yet, but my mother told me this last weekend when we were talking about the difficulties my younger brother was having when she said quite unexpectadely, “I am glad your the oldest!” Not only did she say this she said that I am the strongest person she knows!! All of this coming from a Capricorn! I don’t feel that way but it was nice.. I just get a heads up usually before others and I think it has something to do with Scorp Rising conj. Saturn and Pluto.. I was a doomsayer.. I was never popular, until the last minute cause I just knew..
I think that there is a balancing act. How much reality depends on the child’s age. A 4 year old is going to receive a different amt than a 14 year old. Also, while I might tell my kids that it is important to be able to earn a living and pay your own way, I am not going to burden them with my burdens. Kids should be worried over whether you can pay rent or utilities every month.
Oh, le_soleil. ♥
i am so grateful to see this post right now. i am raising my 9 year old son alone in the big city and my nerves were frayed today. earlier i had to yell at two teenagers who were acting stupid on the subway platform. they were hitting a passing train for fun, and i stopped them and scolded them, saying ‘you want your head crushed under a train?!’ obviously they thought i was crazy but i really hope i got through because no one deserves to die from doing something so blatantly stupid (and people actually DO die that way in this city, more often than you’d want to believe).
i don’t like to get into people’s business but when i see kids being reckless like that, the mother in me comes roaring out because if something bad happened i couldn’t live with the guilt of not intervening.
i do think kids need reality checks. i grew up in a plutonian household where reality was skewed toward paranoia. but a good dose of the hard truth does no harm, in fact it does us all a favor.
I’ve never been someone to hide the truth. I’m the one telling them whatever you do don’t get in the car because your chance of survival becomes much less likely.
Wear a hat. Police in New York say they’ve never found a frozen body with a hat on. If you’re thrown from a vehicle wearing that you’ll die from exposure.
yes, you have to die, everything that lives dies. (they asked – and god, I didn’t want to tell them). But by then you will be ready because you’ll be tired in body and spirit. It’s not so bad, you feel really light and joyful.
See those people, how they live? That’s because they smoke a lot of pot. It’s really expensive and they can’t afford a better place. And they feel too content to fix their home up.
and so on…
I taught my kids reality from the start- Today they are successful 27 year olds with advanced degrees and jobs. You aren’t burdening a child by telling him the truth. They thank you later.
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I tell my kid about the realities of life. Because we don’t live in a world where you can be sheltered any more.