Yesterday I started telling you about “Cousin Gerard” and our trip to see where Arnold works here.

It was January of ’06. Mercury was conjunct Pluto in Sagittarius and Mars was opposite Jupiter at the time. People were making mountains out of molehills which was hilarious if you were an observer, not so much if you were in the thick of it.

Li-Tian greeted us with gracious intentions. All she had in the refrigerator were three eggs which she whipped up into a large flat omelet and set on a plate in the middle of the table for us all to share. I had just spent a year in China and had grown accustomed to this type of family style eating, Gerard on the other hand was visibly uncomfortable. He shifted back and forth in his seat and declined the offering.

Li-Tian who had just met Gerard (remember Gerard was from TK’s father’s side of the family and Li-Tian was one of his mother’s sisters) tried to engage him in some polite conversation. “So, you are from Australia?”

“Aus-TRI-a” He firmly corrected her.

“That’s what I say, Aus-trey-ah.” Li-Tian was in fact aware that Gerard was from Austria but her accent prevented her from making that entirely clear. It kept coming out like the upside down continent.

“NO! Not Australia, Austria!” Gerard asserted with great annoyance and disregard for any tradition that said we were to respect our elders. This did not go over well with Li-Tian.

“THAT’S WHAT I SAY! CLIMB EVERY MOUNTAIN! SOUND OF MUSIC! DOO A DEER! AUS-TREY-AH!!!!”

I was immediately in love with Li-Tian. Gerard had been bugging me the entire trip and anyone who could throw down a Sound of Music reference while ripping someone’s head off was my kind of person.

It was going to be a long ride back to Vegas.

I offered Li-Tian the front seat and sat in the back with Gerard for the first leg of the trip. He curled himself into an armadillo ball against the door and buried his face in a book. Li-Tian looked in the back seat and informed “That is very bad for your eyes.” No Answer. “Gerard, Did you hear? Reading in the car is very bad for your eyes.”

“I do what I want with my own eyes” He muttered without looking up.

“My children are not allowed to read in the car” She said letting us know what a caring and stern parental figure she had been.

“I AM NOT YOUR CHILD!”

“I WOULDN’T WANT YOU! YOU ARE ROTTEN!

The arguments continued at intervals punctuated with long uncomfortable silences.

Eventually, we pulled into a truck stop for gas and snacks. Thank the Lord, I love truck stops. They are true temples of Americana. Towering fuel pumps, rows of refrigerated cases filled with high fructose corn syrup beverages, kitsch and wolf shirts for sale, breakfast served 24 hours. Dotted along the amber waves of grain one can always find respite from the travails of the road at a truck stop.

I went to the cash register with one bottle of Dr. Pepper, one bag of cashews and one copy of Kenny Roger’s Greatest Hits on compact disc for the auspicious price of $9.99.

As we took off down the road, this time with me at the wheel and the boys lazing in the back, I reached into the plastic sack and handed the CD to Li-Tian. “Can you open this, please?”

“OH!” Her eyes lit up “I love Kenny Rogers! Does this have that one song…how does it go…oh?”

“It’s a Greatest Hits, It has all those one songs. Pop it in.”

The Gambler started to play and somewhere around the second chorus I realized the mediating effect Kenny was having on Gerard and Li-Tian for they were both singing along albeit in different keys. I allowed a smug shit eating grin to warp my countenance. I had inadvertently done my Libran duty. I was the world’s greatest diplomat.

Do you have family members who will not, won’t not, shan’t not, can’t not get along?

Consult with Nota.

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