I don’t know why I am thinking about this now. I don’t know if I should think about it, stop thinking about it, write about it or what.

It could be that I have some time freed up and I am becoming creative again. It could be I’m a dumb ass because really, no one should admit to this stuff but here I go. Blame my Leo Venus square Neptune and it’s lack of discretion.

In whatever case, Annalisa told me years ago (like 20 years ago), that I was living my movie and I didn’t even know it. HQ told me (along with many others) my life was a screenplay and I’ll tell you something – I don’t believe anything anyone tells me. I listen to it. I think it’s interesting but I don’t absorb feedback to speak up regardless if it is good or bad. I do know this much: Whatever someone thinks or feels about me, it is likely to change so these opinions are all very fleeting. If you hate me, I won’t hold you to that and if you love me, same thing.

So I’m been thinking over about that red wagon over the last couple days and before that someone wrote on the boards that they liked this new trend -women wearing flowers in their hair. I wrote at that time, that I wore flowers in my hair as a teen, I thought it was some kind of trademark. I added that this was very embarrassing to me at this point but I didn’t elaborate.

The deal was, I was 15 and I was out there. I had come to town and I was going to make my way in this world… I was quite confident. I came down to earth after being fired, tending bar underage a few times, but I was still determined and like any good Capricorn, I was gaining status as months passed.

I eventually wound up working in a pretty decent bar and I course had no clothes. I had no clothes growing up so really didn’t know much about clothes in the first place. As you can see if you read here, my sister doesn’t (and didn’t) have this problem but we grew up wearing our PE suits all summer because we just plain didn’t have any other clothes.

I personally saw no problem with this until the end of the summer when we’d invariably outgrow the year-old threadbare PE suits but other than that, it seemed pretty normal to me so when I got to town, dressing was downright mysterious.

People tell me the movie, Where the Heart Is, reminds them of me. I am flattered by the comparison but really, that girl has nothing on me. When you life is a tragedy, well then it just is.

It was mysterious, along with most other things so I just sort of tried to figure it out as I went along and one of the things I realized was I needed more than the one pair of jeans I had, that I had stolen off someone’s clothesline to tell the truth.

This was bad news as I had more than one job at all times, due the risk of being fired but somehow I had to get to Goodwill in between jobs and try to buy something to wear the next day. I had no car of course, and I can tell you, Goodwill was not convenient so this was a true pain in the ass. I couldn’t do it every day but I tried and in the meantime, I did have more than one shirt and I don’t know what to tell you except for I got by.

So now here I was working in this nice bar – I really thought it was extremely nice though in hindsight it was not. It was just a bar but it was named after a fancy city, see? It was like the New York Bar, so to be working there, well you can imagine, I thought it was Broadway or something. I used to to think the Circle K was Heaven so you can see this was an easy mistake I made.

So there I was in Goodwill when I spotted the dress, it was a red evening gown. Yep. A fucking evening gown and you know I bought it, right? I loved that dress.

So there I was in TUCSON, back in the old days, hitchhiking to work in a red evening gown, with flowers in my hair! Can you believe this? It’s mortifying.

So I asked, Annalisa today, what the hell was I thinking? And how come no one said anything to me? What the hell is a 15 year old girl doing, hitchhiking in a red evening when, ripped jeans, and flower power are what it in style? I am sorry but I thought I worked in some kind of Cabaret but here is the thing:

Everyone wanted to be my friend back then. Everyone I met wanted to hang out with me for reasons I could not fathom them and I’ve surely not figured it out especially when I recall things like that. I wore that evening gown at least three times a week. I could not WAIT to wear the thing, like some little 4 year old girl who wears her boots all day long.

I don’t know what else to say besides going from a PE suit to an evening gown seemed normal at the time.