When I was eight my parents, with their vast wisdom, decided to buy a 10 acre worm farm in Bakers Field, California. As you might have guessed from previous articles on my parents, they did not care how we felt about losing friends, our changing schools in the middle of the year, in fact we were told about 3 days before it was to be, “pack your rooms, we are moving.”<

The day we were leaving, I was kept busy by cleaning the pool, the station wagon was loaded, my dad at the helm, my mom next to him, and my three siblings in the back seat, I would have been in the very back, (my spot always) if someone had remembered to get me. An hour into the drive, they noticed I was not in the car, my dad very pissed turned around, the kids were silent.

Arriving at the house, one hour later my mom comes into the backyard, where I am still cleaning the pool, ( I would have cleaned all night, and all day, till someone in authority stopped me). So she got me, told me to get in the back and stay quiet, (no problem).

We arrive at “The Farm” it has a road in front that when you stand in the middle of it and look both ways all you see is those heat wave optical illusions. Surrounding the house on all four sides is cotton fields, in the middle of all this is ten acres of dirt mounds and high brush. I figure this is it, this is where they are going to kill us.

This is an old worn down house in need of lots of work, and the land as well, so I guess they won’t kill us too soon, we have work to do. The girls on the inside, cleaning, painting, etc…, the boys outside, painting, weed control, etc…

My dad has this wonderful idea to get rid of the brush fast, burn it. He told my brother and I to make a fire break around the house, around the ten acres there was already service roads, so sounds easy right, except we barely got started when he started lighting it up on all four corners.

For some reason he was pissed at us for not being done yet, and was screaming because the house was going up in flames in about ten minutes. With all three of us frantic, (at least two of us trying to live) the fire department shows up and saves the house, and chews my dad out and gives him a citation.

This was my fault somehow and I was punished by having to rake up all the burnt debris. It was around midnight when my mom came out and got me, and let me go to bed.

The next day my dad wanted me to crawl under the house and clear anything out that does not belong there, because I was the smallest or expendable, don’t know.

Under the house was just full of spider webs and normal junk, old paint cans, wood, and a skunk…….. Yes I got hit, on the spin to leave, I did not know what a skunk was ’til then, and the smell was incredible, I crawled out and everyone was laughing and running from me.

My mom said to stay under the tree and wait for her to return from the store. She came back with lots of tomato soup and a large pail. She filled the pail with the soup and me, and scrubbed for an hour or so. The smell went away after about a day.

The Farm idea lasted about six months, when I figured they changed their minds and we moved back to another city.

The fact that we all lived is amazing to me, given the things we were told to do, and the things we were told to work with. I have to laugh today because of all the laws that are in place now to protect children, I mean who doesn’t remember being put on top of a truck to hold down the load while your parents are driving on the road? ok just me…..

More to come next time….

Hints, tips, and whatever:

Rachel, Clare and Samantha haven’t seen each other since High School. They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Rachel arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio. Clare arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Rachel in a glass of wine. Then Samantha walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine.

Rachel explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York’s leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue, where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix.

Clare relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples, Florida.

Samantha explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Ben. They run a tropical bird park in California and grow their own vegetables. Ben can stand five parrots, side by side, on his willy.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Rachel blurts out that her husband is a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Clare, chastened and encouraged by her old friend’s honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses’ aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama.

Samantha says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Useless Virgo Facts:

This Is Alarming

Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones!

Last year, Nov. 2009, Sydney University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .

To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.

It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:

1) Argued over nothing.

2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.

3) Gained weight.

4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional.

6) Couldn’t drive.

7) Failed to think rationally, and…

Had to sit down while urinating.

No further testing was considered necessary!!

Send this to the men you know to warn them about drinking too much beer!