Worries are stronger at night. Fear breeds in darkness, and the worst seems more possible. If you’ve got ghosts, that’s when they come haunting. In the light, it all feels safer, somehow. More optimistic. Darker periods of your life work the same way.

Today’s Tarot is the Nine of Swords (Air). Here, the center sword hangs menacingly positioned over her neck, while  ghostly hands hover just above her. I certainly couldn’t sleep under those conditions! And it’s true, I’ll see this card when someone is having trouble sleeping or problems with nightmares. Many times, this is someone is carrying a secret burden, overwhelmed and alone. Swords are cutting, so they tend to show up in contexts where there is pain, or danger of hurt. Astrologically, this card is associated with Mars in Gemini. The sword cuts both ways.

There are those times, when I have a hard time putting an issue to bed, letting go of it in my head. When I can’t see a resolution I’d feel good about, it haunts.  Running circles around in my head. The questions I’m usually missing are, “What am I afraid of?” and “What am I hiding from?”

I can listen to people in custody battles talk now and even offer some perspective, but for a long time, I couldn’t. I worked at a crisis line, and if a call came in on the topic, I’d ask them to talk to my partner. I just couldn’t manage to discuss it objectively and I knew it. My Saturn return adventure cruise was a protracted family court odyssey of epic proportions. Every way you can be evaluated, judged, reported, researched, measured, therapized, mediated and moderated, we were. Everything you could be accused of, we were. I know what an ugly custody battle is.

I had a lot of trouble sleeping, in the midst. I was terrified I would fail in being the perfect mother—inherently doomed proposition if I’ve ever heard one—and cause us to lose those kids. I was afraid I was a bad person, because of the level of rage and yes, hatred, I directed at the people who were threatening my family. I wanted to hide from even knowing I was even capable of feeling the kind of darkness I felt. Every word, ever action, I was second-guessing which road to take. It was damn near paralyzing.

You know what got me out? It finally dawned on me, the one compass to use in making decisions that would not ever steer wrong was the kids’ best interests. Not the “I’m a better parent so I should have control” best interests. That may well be true, but like so much else in these things, it easily morphs into just another club you use to clobber the opposition.

Instead, looking at the situation as it is, not as I’d want it to be, I did what I could to minimize conflict in the kids’ lives. I kept my opinions of the other parent to myself, and decided not to speak ill of them despite temptations showing up in sparkly bows. I stepped back and shut up, sometimes when I very much felt like doing otherwise.

See, I knew one thing for sure: this was important, and I wanted to be able to live with myself later. The only way is to know I did the best I could to do right by those kids. That was more important than anybody’s ego or winning or the bank account or whatever. It was a sure thing I’d make mistakes, but if I knew I performed to the fullest of my capacity, I could sleep at night.

The Nine of Swords points to areas of our lives where we have fear, unresolved conflicts and perhaps attempts at denial. Something isn’t sitting right in the current situation, and attempting to bury it is only serving to isolate and muddy thinking. When you see this card, accept reality and determine your priorities. Live true to your highest priority, and you’ll be better able to let the rest go in peace.

Do worries seep over into your sleeptime?

Legacy of the Divine Tarot by Ciro Marchetti

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