Here I sit, feeling clear enough but still waiting expectantly for the other shoe to drop with a thud.  Still hanging on through the hard-core Cardinal Grand Cross, happy to be done stewing in that Saturn-Uranus opposition that seemed interminable. I’m doing alright, but see people all around me having a very tough time. The sky is heavy and as Elsa tells us, perspective is everything.

Read_em_and_weep is hurting, and I feel for her, deep down in my gut. I know the sensation, watching a beloved child self destruct before your eyes, having absolutely no power to stop it. I’m revisiting similar issue, much as the last time this card appeared for the Daily Tarot

Suppression is the Osho Zen decks version of the ten of Wands (Fire). I usually read this card in  traditional decks as being overworked, over-burdened and overwhelmed. Taking on or carrying too much is given. In the Zen version, there’s an additional feeling of being trapped, bound, and depressed on top of it all, without full awareness of source (downward gaze). But like almost all illustrations of restriction I’ve seen in any Tarot deck, those bindings are loose. The implication is that the restrictions are either self-imposed or at least can be escaped.

I remember worst of it very, very well: feeling completely sick, unfocused and reeling at helplessly observing the train wreck underway. I remember days of tears, pacing, the sleepless nights, the obsessive and angry circular thoughts while I desperately searched for anything to grab on that would help fix it all. I never did get that rescue.

I mean, it’s hard core. You see your kid going down, fast. You know if they don’t take a turn, they’ll end up in jail or, more likely, dead. But they aren’t interested in taking a turn. And nothing you say or do makes a whit of difference. Other than being upset, once you’ve played all the influence cards you’ve got to no avail, what the Hell can you do?

Eventually, I got very tired. I finally got the notion I couldn’t stop it. What I could do, though, is refuse to participate in the spiral. So we cut off the money and packed up belongings. It wasn’t well-received, not surprisingly, but it extricated the family from the drama. We got some relief. We let go of that which we could not control and as reward, were not forced to watch a slow suicide in the middle our living room.

I found some ways to think about it that helped me feel better. I told myself that if one crashing, there are clearly serious lessons underway, or they wouldn’t be making such boneheaded choices to begin with. Maybe a crash is the only thing that would serve to make the points required for survival. I told myself it serves no one if I go down, too. I reminded myself that once a child is a grown up, I no longer have right to run their life, even if I’m correct with my assessments of the consequences.

In large part, this was all part of me coming to terms with the idea my kids could grow up to be whomever they wanted. Even if “whomever” meant angry, cruel, manipulative, drug-addicted and self-destructive. This is not exactly easy to reconcile when you have these parental feelings cropping up—dreams, hopes, and wishes for your children’s futures. It’s the worst kind of loss, because they are freely choosing to walk away from your love down into the blackness. It impacts in a way few other experiences can.

Suppression tells me that those ropes have to be acknowledged before I can break free. I’ll tell you something—at one time, the situation felt like the trap. The drugs, the outside influences I wanted to blame. But those justifications eventually wore thin. Now, emotional connection feels more like the trap. It’s sad, but that’s the truth. I’ve tossed off a couple of ropes, and it was a huge relief. But I’m not done, and not sure how the rest is going to go. I suspect between Saturn in Libra and Pluto going through my fifth, I’ll know soon enough.

How do you manage when you see someone you love going down?

Osho Zen Tarot by Osho

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