This essay spoke to my heart, Dixie. It is beautiful and painful and direct. You’ve given me a lot to think about–not as the mother–but as the adult daughter.
Early and often, I’ve run roughshod over my Mom’s ache of loss and desire to participate. Its not the actions themselves that make me wince-its seeing in hindsight the unintended consequence of the hurt in how I handled the situations.
Over the years we’ve both made huge strides. She no longer fumes (much-heh) when I’ve not shared every detail of my life in five+ phone calls a week. For my part, I’ve learned to filter mega-Virgo Dragon Lady directives and hear the love and concern to help that drives it. Once in a while, she’ll share a concern of her own and ask my advice (!).
But I’m not yet a mother of an adult child. Your perspectives shared in this post I hadn’t fully considered or imagined. I’ll be thinking about what you’ve written, Dixie-and how those insights can translate in my own relationship with my Mom.
Thank you!

Having 3 adult children of my own, I can certainly relate to your heartfelt post! I had an especially difficult time when my son and his wife had their first child (my first grandchild) 3,000 miles away! They live closer now, thank goodness- but, one of the benefits that I saw and am so greatful for, is that with their being so far away from family- they were truly ‘on their own’ and when they did move back to the same coast as the rest of us, they had ‘established’ their own family, and it’s solid. I couldn’t be more proud, and it goes a long way to diminish my motherly worries!

{{{{Dixie}}}}

How do I deal with my worries? Kind of depends on how huge it is. I try to fix it, and if that doesn’t work, I work to find a way to cope with it. If it’s enormous, I mope for a day, fussing and fretting. Then I sleep on it, and continue with trying to fix it or finding a way to cope with it.

I’m feeling that aching empty too, Dixie. What’s strange is that after months of struggling to meet my son somewhere along the road, last night I realized that I’m still allowing him to dictate whether that road is a boulevard or an avenue. Suddenly, clear as day, what I needed to say to him began to form. I got up this morning – sleep on it! – and wrote him a letter. I won’t mail it before Saturday, because I have to continue to feel it out instinctively and be certain I am strong enough to go where it could lead.

Kris- Good luck, hon.

really well written article, Dixie, thank you for sharing. It resonated with me.. I am about your daughter’s age and have a mother who over-mothers. Who does not have that faith you speak of. She’s a cap with a scorp moon, and I’ve got a scorp moon with pluto all over it (conj). do you see where I’m coming from?

Anyway, I’m sure your daughter deeply appreciates your being there for her, your faith in her. She will come to you one time for guidance, or support, or clarity, or to share silence, and you will be there and it’ll be beautiful.

Thanks again for sharing.

Hey Dix! (((Big hug)))

Today is my mother’s birthday.

4 Cups = Cancer Moon… that’s me.

Interesting coincidence with the timing of your reading.

My parents have been good about “staying hands off” of my adult life. But then a couple of years ago, my father told me, with great bitterness, after an angry outburst (about something else)… *** “You never needed us” ***.

I realized then his pain and disappointment as the father of a very independent daughter (that cup in the air)… and I know he spoke for my mother too, who was present and very much included in that “us”.

My three living brothers (the 3 cups on the ground) on the other hand, were/are all the opposite.

I have since been trying to find ways to make my parents feel needed by me, in whatever small or big ways I can. I know ~they~ need that. And it’s a gift I ~can~ make.

Oh, Dixie, adopt me!! LOL

Seriously, your daughter is so lucky to have a mom who worries! I have been witness to so many people complaining how many times per week their mom calls, or otherwise “fusses” over them, and my heart aches because I have never had, nor will ever have, that kind of attention from my mother. All I can say to anyone who gripes about their mom “hovering” should count their blessings — someone out there really loves you!!!

And kudos to ALL the moms (and dads!) on this board who are having a hard time being apart from their adult kids. It is precisely because you raised them so well that they can spread their wings and fly!

OK, it gets weirder. Looking at the timestamp of my comments… (not sure about everybody’s time zones)… My mother’s brother’s wife died today mid-afternoon (yes, on my mother’s birthday). (It’s been a long time coming, so no surprise to anybody. She was very ill.)

So my mother ended up calling me before I could call her. She and my father will be here this weekend and the next (I think). We’ll all get lots of practice…

In the meantime, this mega Scorp is scrambling like mad to put away all her private stuff, which is strewn all over the house as I live alone…