From 2007 -
Recently someone I have been close to and confided in showed themselves to be… unsavory. I have trusted this person but no longer do which means I now have to mop up.
“Well, I imagine he’ll ask if I’m mad,” I told a friend.
“Are you mad?” she asked.
“I don’t know. I have no idea how I feel. I think it’s more like there was a relationship and it’s just… erased. I can’t see bothering to figure out how I feel because I am not going to communicate it anyway. I’ve thought about this for days and determined there is no way to go forward so..? How could I possibly trust this guy again?”
“No, you definitely can’t trust him.”
“Right. And I have no time or energy for hobbled relationships… friendships. What time do I have for something like this? People just don’t understand how hard it is to be a single parent if they think you can deal with things like this.”
“You can say that again,” she said, a single parent herself.
” I don’t know that I feel anything other than I’ve left the building. I used to be a human being he could relate to but now I am now a ghost. And I’m sure he will try to engage me. Or reengage me, I guess it would be, but it’s not going to work. He’ll be talking to air from here on out and I wonder what that is like. What’s it like when your hard-core friend you could count on turns into an apparition? I have no other thing I can do. He’s made it impossible for us to be friends so I relent. I retreat into nothing and there is no way to bring me back because I cease to exist in any form.”
I consider my response, Neptunian, because I erase myself. How would you characterize the action you take?
47 Responses to “Ask the Collective: How Do You Handle Betrayal?”
gone baby gone. Sadly it still leaves a hole in my life. The eclipses have hit my 11th house and my venus there.
There is a buddhist thinking that you must make space in your life for something to enter your life. So I hold hope that something better for me, more happiness, more pleasure, more support will fill that hole in due time.
I think it’s interesting that you don’t give an option of simply dumping the friend – something that seems completely obvious to me. Every other permutation of staying friends with them is there but there’s no option to call it a day. In that situation of being betrayed I wouldn’t think twice!
JT – I think that’s what I mean by disappear. Monday, we were friends. Monday night you betrayed me and Tuesday, I no longer know you.
I don’t cease to exist, that person ceases to exist. I can forgive over and over, we all have ou weaknesses, but betrayal is a different story.
My ex-husband read my journals to “see what you were thinking”. Big no-no for this Scorp. And called someone I knew through a work thing and never even met accusing him of seducing me! We actually have a good relationship, but I would never trust him emotionally. For practical parent things, yes…the rest..no way.
He doesn’t even realize he did the one thing I cannot forgive..digging into my thoughts uninvited.
Grrr……
I feel devastated and they cease to exist for me. I don’t look at them or wave to them, because they have ceased to exist for me.
I chose ‘other response.’ I was tempted to choose ‘feel devestated but don’t let on’ because I have a Capricorn Moon, and that is Step One (iamfineiamfineiamfine).
Step 2 is Taurean Sun feeling extremely uncomfortable and unhappy with being betrayed. Loyalty and trust is very important to me. Actually, it is paramount. I need to trust you to be loyal to you, and if you are not being trust-worthy you aren’t being loyal to me.
Step 3 is Mars in Aries (3H) opposing Pluto in Libra (9H)producing a shit-fit. Let’s go…
Step 4 is 12H Neptune breezing in and blowing invisible dust all over everything…
Then I gp through life feeling very sad and invisible and I try very hard to overcome my shattered illusions.
it 100% depends on the level of frendship. Most of the time I just wait and see if they show remorse. If they don’t I just walk away. Unless it is a really good friend then I question them about what they did.
it depends what the person did and how close we were. for something relatively minor, i probably simply stop trusting them. i’m pretty good at pulling all of my energy off of people yet managing to co-exist with them. for something serious, something i’d clearly shown or repeatedly defined as something i didn’t want them to do to me… revenge is likely. if someone really hurts me, they’re going to know the pain i felt.
scorpio moon, much?
I grew in a family where betrayal was a serious subject. A very scorpionic family. More sooner than later I realized it is just business,…sometimes. My option was “I continue the relationship….” However sometimes it is not just business, it is true betrayal (mainly in love business ouch!) I feel desvasted I cease of exist and so on: then I realized (more later than sooner) that I found an exquisite pleasure in the martyrdom , very piscean (5th house with chireon trined NEP and conj Sat)
It all depends.
One of my close friends in high school betrayed me and I dropped her like a hot potato (although we’re friendly-ish now).
A BF cheated on me (with two other women, no less) and I gave him a second chance. Then thought better of it and broke it off! *lol*
And recently my three oldest friends did something that I consider betrayal, paradoxically with my best interests in mind, and I’m doing my best to just ignore the whole thing. Not worth fighting over. . . Although I will admit my emotional investment has slackened since then.
So, I suppose the consensus is I disappear. 
Either mentally or physically. Whew!
I guess it is the strong amounts of Libra in me, but I usually “confront them”–I put it in quotes, because it isn’t so much about confrontation as it is a desire to understand what their motives were, where they were coming from, why they did what they did, and to get some kind of understanding of their perspective, and to try to also impart to them how they have also injured me.
It is odd, because I can actually remain friends with someone and completely and utterly not trust them. I don’t feel that they are exclusionary. So, in one way, I disappear, or ghost-out, meaning that I’m not the friend I was to them before because I don’t trust them, but I also don’t feel like it has to be over between us, especially if I get some kind of understanding how why they did what they did. If I can’t understand, or they are just a cruel person, then it has to be over.
Oddly enough, the last time someone betrayed me (actually, the second to last time, but the actual last time resolved before the second to last time did), THEY were the ones to walk away because they couldn’t forgive themselves or deal with the fact that I know longer trusted them. I was willing to continue with a “hobbled friendship” as you put it, because I understood why he did what he did, and I still loved him, but he couldn’t handle the fact that I couldn’t forget what he’d done, and I never completely trusted him again. So, he said that in order to move on with *his* life and to forgive himself, he had to walk away. I was okay with that, but I actually miss him.
So, hmm, yeah, I’d have to “talk it out” and see what I decided from there.
I can’t not confront those who have betrayed me. Above all I need to know why and how they could do something like that. Usually the answer doesn’t do much to help, if I get an answer at all, but it satisfies my intense need to know.
I do think everyone deserves to know when they’re being dumped though, even a friend, and you can’t really do that without confronting them and telling them why. I don’t think anything has hurt me more than people drifting away and not knowing why. If I were the betrayer, I’d appreciate being told what I did wrong, so I can not do it again, or at least explain why I did what I did.
Reading this over, I actually think I came to some understanding of why I *still* fixate on the last time I was betrayed by someone, and it has been over a year. I think it is because I never got the opportunity to have a discussion with that person where I understood where they were coming from and why they did what they did. It has all been conjecture on my part. I have a deep need to be able to understand a person’s motives in order to let go, I think. Anyway, I just wanted to mention that and say thanks for asking that question because now I’ve got more clarity on this other issue in my life. 
Funny this popped up, I just had this circumstance happen to me…I didn’t answer before because I wasn’t sure how I would react. In this case, at least, I confronted them and then continued the relationship, knowing not to trust them. Still a bitter pill, my capricorn loyalty is okay with it but my scorpio is still angry.
hmm that’s funny. i put down “other response” but it appeared as “i continue the relationship but know not to trust them”.
okay, so… i think i do some form of this. but, not exactly. i am devastated. really devastated actually. but i don’t react until much much later, when i cry in front of them, inappropriately. or, when i yell at them, irrationally and in a storm of hyperemotion, and then, i leave or i block them from IMing me and the details of my personal life. but before all of that, i just go away for a little while to build higher walls….
when they try to “climb over”, i think i psychologically attack them down. =_= and for lack of better words to describe the defensiveness that i react with. i don’t want them to expect that i am going to be the same way again. i don’t think i could ever truly be their “friend” after that. unless they truly needed help or something. but i’ve usually cut off connection by then. and by then, i would usually say “no”… i know i shouldn’t….. but it’s difficult to forgive truly completely after betrayal. being human is difficult. being a good person is even harder.
Depends on how they are related to the rest of my world, if possible and I cut them out of my life, but so often, they are in a circle I can easily extricate myself, work or pleasure activity that I’m not ready to give up. In that case, I’m just very careful of information that goes out and they get none of my energy.
I don’t ever think I cease to exist…but I do cut them out of my life…so it is more they don’t exist.
I drop the person like a bad habit. I chose “I cease to exist” because there wasn’t a ‘bridge burning’ option which is similiar.
Interesting comments…even though I took the quiz, I would have to say that like some others, it all depends upon the circumstances, the person, how bad a betrayal it was, etc. So even though I answered the quiz with the answer to remain connected but not to trust them, my TRUE response would be dependent upon a number of other mitigating factors.
I’m been immunized by men cheating on their wives or girlfriends, so I would not feel terribly betrayed by this one. However, there are CERTAIN betrayals which would shock, sicken, and surprise me….those are the ones which i would likely respond to NOT in a good way!
All I can think is: “What did this person do that you won’t talk to them again?”
yours truly…
Nosey/Curious Kitty
Me too Kashmiri. Capricorn moon doesn’t like to admit pain, it seems childish somehow.
I always keep my friends, even if they betray me, sometimes especially if they betray me. But I won’t trust them. There are different levels of closeness, and I just move them down w/o comment or much affect. Most of the time things proceed as usual, I don’t do or say anything different than before. It’s impossible to cut off energy once it has been exchanged – there is always a history and you can’t rewrite it. So I don’t burn any bridges, instead I keep an eye on things. They say keep your friends close, and your enemies closer 
I’ve had more than my share of this, friends and family both. It depends.. I like to talk to them once to be sure I understand what happened. I’ve had people cut me out for things I didn’t do. For me the conversation is worth it.I want to understand. If I am sure, I just let go of them. I have a very deep need to trust my friends.
Silence is powerful.
I had a friend in H.S. who all of a sudden went ape shit on me.. we were ok friends since we lived a few buildings away from each other but one day she told me things like she was only hanging out with me b/c of pity and that she was going to shed me like old skin… and I was in shock that this girl said all these terrible things to me since I was never anything but nice to her… needless to say I was very upset but surprisingly didn’t let it bother me for long and just erased her like I never even knew her… after a few weeks she tired to reconnect with me but I would just stare right through her and keep walking… plus she lost a lot of friends after she did that since we were in the same network..
I confront. I have to understand the reasoning behind it or it drives me mad. Then if they listen and tell me they are sorry, and they promise not to do the thing again, I give them a second chance.
(i may still talk to you, if circumstances necessitate it, but you’ll know you’re not there anymore.)
first i confront -venus in aries
then i disappear – pisces
erase and replace! (neptune 1st house conj asc)
I’ve got Libra and can’t decide. But really, it does depend on situation. I do prefer the “like you, I cease to exist” (Libran passive aggresiveness ?) approach. Unfortunately, it’s not always possible. For instance, with the family members or people I work with, it sometimes has to be “I continue the relationship, but know not to trust them” (a mix of Virgo /Capricorn high moral standards and Scorpio paranoia). I’ve tried the confrontation (Libra Mars in the 3rd house) too, but that really hasn’t worked for me. The reasons people have given never have been good enough to justify their actions. Or worse, they have thought their behavior has been perfectly legit.
my grandmother used to retrieve the journals i tried to throw away. i’d find them stashed away somewhere. this happened a couple times. with her, it wasn’t betrayal, even if she’d read them, which she may or may not have. she was a little “off” sometimes, but more important to her, i think, was saving something she thought had value. did i get angry, you bet, and i let her know. (i also learned then to shred things if i REALLY wanted them gone.) but deep down she was doing what in her heart was the Right Thing, no matter it wasn’t in line with my intent.
Bob that’s crazy–my mother did the exact same thing to me. It caused a lot of pain.
I’ve evolved my strategy since the last time I read this post. Now I just amputate. I don’t have time to waste on anything, least of all someone who treats me like a piece of crap.
OK, my response was other, as I guess it’d be more of a plutonian way to deal with it. I’d dig to find out what happened, though not through confrontation (mars in cancer). I want to know how I might have contributed to the betrayal, how they could have thought it was in my best interested, digging, digging, digging.
But forgive and forget? Doesn’t really work for me(unless we are talking about really, REALLY minor stuff). Saturn sits in my 11th, Sun in cancer (nice hard to shell to protect me) and a responsible moon in capricorn, they cease to exist for me, too.
@C. I love the buddist idea of making space for something new and better, this is how I try to see it (in the midst of betrayal, this can be hard to remember). @simstim, I also like the “bridge burning” method as well.
Of course all this being said, today is Cinco de Mayo, Happy Cinco de Mayo everyone!! Today is also supposed to be my 9yr anniversary and I’m going thru this very situation with my husband. The 5 principles that we founded our relationship on have ALL been shatter to bits (yeah, yay, great, happy anni!–dripping with sarcasm!). HUM?! How shall I handle this now with a family to think of as well????
Ok, that’s all of my vent for now,
Angie
i just wrote a comment about a betrayal, erased it, re-wrote- erased it. LONG LIVE SCORPIO!!!!!!!!!
I learned the hard way that trust is very important. I lost a person’s trust and now all we do is say hi and sit away from each other in class. We used to be so close.
Learn your lesson from me and try to keep as many friends as you can, Lol.
And to answer your question, what would I do if I was betrayed? I would stop being friends with that person. I would dissapear and hope they dissapear also.
I’m becoming an open enemy. Never plan for a revenge but if the convenient opportunity comes up…well,for some reasons an opportunity always comes up and I enjoy the show. I never feel guilty about it, it’s been always about justice – yes, I’m Libra.
I first confront them. Let them know how I feel. Give them a chance to explain themselves. Then I freeze them out for good. I will still always be polite when I see them, but they mean absolutely nothing to me. They can’t even do anything to ever get in good with me, either. It’s bad for them… But I treat my friends like royalty. Don’t think you get to screw me over, and not have some repercussions for your stupid choice of behavior. Really, all they’ve got to blame is themselves at the end of the day. I have Scorpio on my 11th house, with Mars and Pluto (conjunct) there.
But I have Venus, Neptune, Uranus, and Saturn all playing around/in my 1st house. Gemini on the 7th house, and I will give a person a chance to explain themselves but my mind is usually already made up and there’s no turning back.
Pixie Dust stated: “I don’t cease to exist, that person ceases to exist. ”
Exactly!!! It’s not me that disappears, they do. They are literally “dead to me.” If someone mentions them, I don’t acknowledge it at all. If people want to know what happened I simply tell them things didn’t work out. With that much Scorpio in my chart (Mercury also in Scorpio but in 12th house), I don’t see it as the public’s business to air my private affairs. I still wouldn’t have what it takes to cut as deeply to some people as they have to me. Taking me for granted. A person can only put up with so much before someone does one last thing to just trash it all.
And then I’m really done. I’m at the point now where it’s “one strike and you’re out.” It’s lonely… But I think I keep valuable people next to me, and I’m nice to everyone… But I don’t trust them. My Scorpio little brother is much like this. As is my dad with a Scorpio Moon. Like everyone, be kind to everyone, trust no one. Unless they have proven themselves to be trustworthy. If they go and mess up the trust in your relationship, be done with them. That’s it. Fin.
I confront, listen and weigh what is being said and why…
More times than not, I disappear – but first clear the air…
Most of the times I will try to understand and weigh, but lately there was one instance… one email and I was a ghost to my friend. Or ex-friend. Trying to woo me again? No way.
You just don’t betray a Sun-Saturn in Aquarius and Moon in 11th, do you?
I vanish. Third h. Neptune in Scorpio. If someone insists on dogging me for a response when I obviously have nothing to say to them, I’ll rip into them, then bow out; hopefully making them sorry for forcing the issue.
The older I get, the less tolerant I am of other people’s bullshit, but this did happen when I was younger, too.
mars!!! with a dash of mercury.
Hm.
Since I last answered, I’ve been betrayed yet again and this time did a quick amputation. Fine, gone, thanks for a waste of 15 years.
Also betrayed and was betrayed by someone else and that situation is a lot more… enhhh…
Hard to describe, anyone? *snort*
But the revival of this thread brings up some things to think about. Yay?
I confronted my betrayer and she ceased to exist in my life. It’s been nearly 25 years and we’ve never spoken again. Life’s too short to put up with other people’s crap.
I confronted my betrayer and she ceased to exist in my life. Life’s too short to put up with other people’s crap.
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I would confront them – seen that it is a friend I would need to get to the bottom of it, and the bottom would only be in sight if spelled out. Depends on how deep the friendship is though. My tolerance is far higher for long-term friends than for new ones.