We have these “happy hours” on the blog these days, at least we have for the last 2 weeks in a row. During the first one, I was play tending bar and taunting one of the regulars about the fact she once found herself at an orgy… she was a young girl and a virgin at the time so quite surprised at what kind of party this turned out to be.
Apparently she plastered herself up against the wall because she thought she would get pregnant if someone touched her… she in waaaay over her head and a hapless Capricorn of course. A baby goat.
(swearing below the break)
So I was teasing her and then she dropped off. I was on the boards calling her name, thinking and hoping I’d not offended her. I might have see, because it is an embarrassing personal story but on the other hand I know her pretty well and thought it would be okay so didn’t know what to think.
Turns out she left happy hour because she got a call from a friend who just came home to find her husband dead. Shocking, eh?
Well a week later to the day, my sister, Annalisa texted me to tell me that her friend came home and found her husband dead. Whaaat?
My sister and the other gal don’t know each other at all but they do have Capricorn @ 25-26 degrees and so do I.
Now I have more details on the second death. Annalisa’s friend came home, her husband was in bed so she jumped on the bed to be with him and he was dead. Is this shocking enough for you? It was shocking to me and in trying to process this, I put myself in place of one of these women and when I did, I felt rage rise up.
To have an outlet, I wrote about this on the boards here, explaining that if I found my husband dead, I would be mad as hell. I would throw some shit, I would bash things. I also would not want anyone around, particularly don’t get near me with your %^)*&^#@(; words of comfort so I added, “No one better talk to me or they will get hurt.”
Now I thought this was normal at least for me. Some people throw themselves on coffins, others do not but there was one of the users who thought I should not say something like that and said so.
Er… the thing degraded after that and I thought it was outrageous (Difficulty Socializing Redux) . By the time it was said and done, I was called a lot of names with a lot of Goddammits in the messages by this person who thinks they are really nice. Now here is the point:
Today I talked to Annalisa, she’d not read any of this stuff, she knew nothing of it. She was talking about her friend’s husband and I said, “If that happened to me, I’d be mad as fuck!”
“Well yeah,” she said.
I paused a minute to let it register, she thought I was normal. “Yeah, I’d be madder than hell, I would smash some shit.”
“Of course,” she said.
I laughed. “Not only that I don’t think I would want to talk to anyone. Try to talk to me about my husband, I will hit you with a bat….”
She laughed and you see what I am getting at. Some people let me be me. I can have some space and what I figured out tonight is these are the people I can tell stories too because check this:
I have been deeply stirred over these last few days. I have these transits to my Moon and if you can’t tell (::laughs::) I have an emotional nature but in whatever case, all this stuff and stories are coming up from deep inside me and I mean DEEP. And I can’t talk because I don’t have normal stories. I have the kind of stories to knock you out for a week or a month or more, however I have had conversations with three people this week, told each of them a story there would never hear anywhere else in their life and they all three UNDERSTOOD me.
They were graced with the stories, I know they were and I was fortunate to be able to tell them but here are the two things I want to say:
First if you shove someone’s words back down their throat or try to control how they come out, you are never going to learn anything but also I think there is something going on with these late degrees of Capricorn at least in terms of my chart.
I think it is the Jupiter Uranus aspect in my chart because when I tell people with planets around there, something shocking (Uranus) not only do they believe me (Jupiter) but they are instantly liberated and guess what, so am I.
43 Responses to “I Might Have Cracked The Nut”
Those are my favorite sorts of stories….the honest, bare-knuckled, real ones. I don’t know you but I like hearing them second hand. LOL. And I’d be mad as hell to come home to a dead husband. Mad. As. HELL. Which is saying quite a bit considering all the fire in my chart.
I think all I can do with Mars Jupiter is aim it / point it somewhere.
Glad you have folks that give you space / liberty Elsa. I’d rather die than be stuck in a situation where there is no outlet / I am smothered.
Yeah, well emotion is released. When my husband’s father died, his mother took the couch and threw it over the deck of their house and it rolled down the mountain. She’s not that big, I don’t think it would have been wise to interfere.
We have the same Sun, Moon, the same name and my Venus is conjunct her Mars. Her behavior is not all that hard for me to understand.
When my mom died, my best friend told me that she would stand next to me if I wanted to throw sh*t off the deck of my parents’ house. She got it. That’s what I call a good friend.
Wow.
That wow was about throwing a couch by yourself.
(((CB))) sounds like you have a great best friend.
Jeeesus. I like you ladies so much because you seem bigger than I am, but similar-like. So it’s like watching an impressive movie I can relate to and admire. Then I can sort of try on letting me be me a little more. I feel like the little kid who the big girls let hang around.
Tonight I went to the funeral of a young man who got in over his head with some badasses here in town. He was 27 and they killed him for whatever. One of the shooters handed over the dead man’s ring to the cop, which he had stuffed into his sock after he took it off him.
The funeral was interesting. The young man was the grandson of somebody I work with, and who I like. I never met this man, but I was pissed enough by the whole thing that I ended up blogging all over the local press about how totally screwed up our schools are here, and the fact that I see little baby wannabees- Jr. versions of this dead kid every day.
The funeral was interesting, in that the dead man’s peeps seemed to take it very well in stride. They had a nice photo montage that had pics of him drinking beer, with his pit bull, with his car, with his ink, with his shades, flipping people off. Somebody warned against retaliation and they remembered things like his last birthday cake and the time he gave a friend a Transformer action figure.
I don’t think it’s normal to fly into a rage when you find your husband dead, any more than I think it’s normal to come home and find your husband dead. But then, I don’t think it’s normal to have a husband. I’d find it more normal to get pissed and throw something than I would, say, start talking baby talk and curl up in a ball. Tonight I thought the girlfriend was batty standing up there in front of the open casket, giggling like comic relief in Sons of Anarchy. Mars/Jupiter/Mercury conjunct in Sag; I like to speak my TRUTH! (Whatever that means).
I so get this also. : ) My 8th house scorpio mars sextiles my moon. Jupiter semi-sextiles my Uranus and sextiles my mercury which conjuncts my moon. I have worked with death and dying through hospice and the emotion of anger and sadness go without explanation. The ones I never could get my mind around where the ones who would ask, what they were suppose to feel, think and how to act. All I could ever respond with, is there is no wrong way. Just don’t go climbing a bell tower with a high power rifle, if you need to shot something go to the dump and blow up old toilets. Boy did those words get me in trouble more than once.
When my mother died, I wanted to run through the streets screaming. I didn’t. One of my roommates at the time (years later) said she heard me from the other room. I don’t remember how I may have sounded. I think I still have that scream in me– (it was a sudden death).
I can talk to other people about their deaths (if they want me to) but I don’t really like others to talk to me about mine (unless I ask), you know?
Honestly, anyone who comes on here (and I’m not referring to anyone in particular) with a lot of new-agey-let-us-hold-the-crystals kind of attitude? It just won’t work very well. And it is a kind of control.
I don’t even want to imagine a scenario like that. My husband is my world. Anyone who tries to hurt him is gonna wind up with my baseball bat up his/her ass. I know such a horrible thing can happen, anything can happen, but…
I do remember this kind of anger a few years ago, though. Right before my brother’s sudden death. I almost didn’t have a few minutes alone with him in the hospital to say goodbye because some douchenuggets in the family who hated him “wanted to see him”. And I was ready to bop people on the head with hospital tools.
Instead of smashing sh*t, I just wanted to go. Dive into the Hudson river. I didn’t know how to swim. So a dive obviously meant one thing.
Thing is, now that I think of it, you gotta be beyond angry, really kinda bat-shit, to even consider diving into the nasty Hudson river. Yikes.
Yeah. I was pretty fucking angry back then.
When 2 people in one week tell you stories like the ones that were told to me and when your husband has a job people are killed doing every single day, day in and day out, you have less option to not think about it.
This is intensified by the fact my family has already be decimated and I have written about this fairly extensively.
All parents (me included) run around saying they could not survive the loss of child and that’s all peachy keen until your kid is in the hospital dying. That happens, I guess you need a new line.
I gotta say some of these comments made me laugh at the recognition of some of my own release antics in the past. When I lived alone in a BAD period of my life I got really angry at God, feeling he’d let me down – again- so much so that I found my release in chopping lots of wood for the open fire and threatening him(god) that he’d better not leave me to sort all this s..t out on my own.
It got the anger out and i did get offers of support?
I gotcha, Elsa. It is kinda creepy to hear stories like that twice within such a short span of time.
There was a time that my brother sold drugs in the area where we grew up. He said he didn’t, but I knew he did. He’d disappear from 9 at night and returned after 9 in the morning. I hated it and cried each time he left the apartment. Every time I heard a gunshot, it made me jump from my skin. It was pretty common to hear gunshots and about drug dealers, or innocent bystanders, getting shot in our neighborhood. I just never wanted my brother to have fallen a victim.
Those were seriously nerve-wracking years.
And I am really, truly sorry to hear about your daughter. That story the other night made me bawl like a stupid baby. Your kids are beautiful.
Someone I know died recently, and a friend commented earnestly, without really knowing the situation, that ‘It’s all for the best’, or something like that. Right then I realized that if something bad – a loss like that – happened to me, I would not want to tell that friend about it. Because I just couldn’t bear words of support like that.
On the other hand, I do realize that such comments are well-intentioned, and ALSO that people just never know what to say – myself included – and it’s easy to go wrong at times of extreme grief like this. So such friends should be forgiven… At least the well-meaning comment should be overlooked and ignored entirely. I pray when I mess up in not knowing how exactly to support a friend, that my love and good will would be recognized as such.
And yet still, once again – I wouldn’t want to have to endure such nice intentions at a time like that. And I’d like to be forgiven for punching them out, too. (Complicated, huh!)
brilliant!
open your mouth right and what comes out is the Fountain of Youth, and it looks like a filthy black-oil geyser
Sea, yeah, I’d stay away from that hollow platitudes person too. I know they’d get the stare…the I dare you to say such a ridiculous thing again stare…
How can “it’s all for the best” possibly be comforting? Even if the person died from cancer or something horribly painful, it wasn’t all for the best. The best would be they never had it in the first place…
I have no idea how they feel. Even if I went through the same thing we might feel differently. So I don’t say I know how you feel which is insensitive. In a way, it turns the subject to the speakers loss rather than theirs.
I either say I’m sorry for your loss, which I am, or I don’t know what to say, which I don’t…I let them know I care about them and I’m there if they need someone to talk to or some help. I really mean that. I have had people call me late, late at night in grief and I’m glad they trusted me enough to let it go around me.
Sometimes it takes me days, or even longer periods of time, to digest the stories you have to tell. They are quite literally like plutonium. Beyond (my) comprehesion, often.
I’m not good at storytelling so can really appreciate a great story especially like the ones I read here! But as of late I’ve been learning the range of my voice and just a few minutes ago I was complaining to my bf about how I’m stressed and blah blah blah and point is I have an opportunity to make $$ this weekend all the while I thought I’d get a break… so basically I was complaining about it and my bf tells me to just say no to the opportunity and quite moaning! The only reason I f*<king do anything is so we can eat!! I let him know this and told him that if I couldn’t vent to him then I would just have to find someone else… I think he got the point!!
I really liked this story since I’m learning that I’ve worked hard to be who I am and I shouldn’t hide in my shell any longer! <3 <3
reminds me of the song “Kung Fu Fighting” 
I have a 26° Cap Moon… and Jupiter sextile Uranus. I find everything you and your sister say incredibly interesting and not particularly shocking 
Throwing a couch …I would react in the same way. I was Centre Manager for a chidrens bereavement charity for 3 years. Traumatised parents and siblings would literally tear their hair out. I understand. I had to leave the post in the end because whilst I could contain myself on the job, the minute I started to drive home I would have to pull off the road because I would be so overwhelmed and in tears. I often see former clients of the centre around town. They are functioning , look completely normal and are often smiling and I am just full of awe and admiration knowing exactly what they have survived. I never approach them, but if they see me they usually come up and engage in conversation and I am so happy to see them. I am grateful for the position of trust I held but it was, at times, unbearable. I am so humbled by peoples courage and their determination to carry on for the sake of the rest of the family. I will never cease to be moved by our clients and their stories, and will remember each and every one of the families. Forever.
I think one of the most valuable things I’ve (re)learned on this blog are the facts that people are not clones of ourselves (like we think everyone reacts the same, thinks the same, etc.) and to just let people be who they are, see them clearly without projecting all your Sh(t over it. I totally understand the throwing the couch over the mountain scenario. Would I do it? not sure, but with Scorpio Moon and Mars in Leo, I could see that. At my mother’s death, I was too numbed out to feel much of anything except, honestly, relief that it was finally over (battle with cancer that was only four months but felt like a lifetime). Some people would judge that feeling of relief, but it’s honest. All I wanted was for someone to show up and be here for me–no platitudes needed, thank you. My sister was here and showed up brilliantly. Other than that? Even friends by phone stopped calling. People have a hard time handling this stuff, but I get angry when they can’t/won’t show up and just be with the person in pain from grief. Just sit there, make a cup of tea and bear witness while they throw the couch, punch a wall, or just sit there stroking the cat until the tears make a mess of his fur. That lack of showing up for someone we supposedly call a “friend” is what makes me angry. But then I guess you learn who your friends are and Scorpio Moon doesn’t forget who comes through in a crisis and who, regrettably, does not.
I would smash some shit too (a lot). I’d probably curse and scream and tell people to fuck off too. No one is going to tell you or me or anyone else how to deal with their own shit.
I don’t think I would find any behavior abnormal in the face of this kind of news.. And more subjectively, it’s been acknowledged since the 60s that anger is a “normal” part of the grieving process, with Kubler Ross’s five stages that include denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance..
CB- I bet your best friend was a Scorpio.
Elsa, I’m glad you cracked the nut! I know these stories have been bubbling up for you and it seems that you’ve discovered the key for allowing them to come up for air. And selfishly, I hope I get the opportunity to hear/read them, because I love your stories.
I can’t even fathom how I would react if I discovered my husband dead, in bed or anywhere else. And regardless of how I react, how others react- there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way! Personally, I’m liking the idea of shooting toilets.
“..one of the most valuable things I’ve (re)learned on this blog are the facts that people are not clones of ourselves (like we think everyone reacts the same, thinks the same, etc.) and to just let people be who they are, see them clearly without projecting all your Sh(t over it.”
Thanks, spidermoon and I’ll tell you something else. Besides the projection, it is a true ego maniac who thinks others should act and be and do and say as they do. In fact, I think it’s a mental illness.
“…it is a true ego maniac who thinks others should act and be and do and say as they do. In fact, I think it’s a mental illness.”
Thank you.
I’m glad you brought this up again because the day before you posted on the boards about these deaths I bumped into someone I haven’t seen for a while. Turns out her husband recently dropped dead in front of her.
I have Cap Sun at 28′
I have also had major things going on to do with healing and release around deaths in my own family. Very sudden, very potent.
So yes, I think these things are deserving of attention – there are patterns in everything I believe, and we can benefit from the knowledge if we choose. And I feel very glad to have a site to come to where these things are noticed and discussed. Otherwise, how would I know?
One other thing, I asked her how she was and she just talked. For about half an hour until her friend arrived and she had to go. She just talked, and I just listened. I mean, how hard is it to shut up and let someone talk about their feelings, for god’s sake?
“Besides the projection, it is a true ego maniac who thinks others should act and be and do and say as they do. In fact, I think it’s a mental illness.” I hear you, Elsa. 100% agree. I’ve been much more alert to watching for this since reading your blog and you have saved me from some situations. 
When you first mentioned getting pissed off if you found your husband dead I totally got it so had no reply. I would be too. Am surprised others didn’t think that was a viable reaction. I’d probable do a bit of holding breath, shock, cry and then get really angry. Venus/mars/pluto/sun conjunction in the 12th.
I don’t know if I’d react with anger. I’d probably be a hermit for a while. I need to be alone with the pain. Oh and I’d have to move, couldn’t be around anything the reminded me. at least for awhile.
However this story reminded me of my grandma, when my grandpa died. she was angry with him, she said he promised her 50 years(then if they still liked each other they’d stay married) and she only got 47.
moonpluto, elsa – yessss. the new agey holier than thou attitude is such an attempt at control. i had an interaction with someone like this in the blogosphere, someone who clearly crossed the line from using their ‘psychic’ powers for good and trying to use them to intimidate me. i called them on it and told them to shove it. actually in some way it was kind of crushing because i’d had such a high opinion of this person based on their writings. oy these people make me angry, mostly because i know there are people out there in the world who are weaker and who can be hurt and manipulated by them. shame.
i would definitely trash the house if anything happened to my husband. knock on wood. hate to even write that.
F#!& the motif of the “graceful widow” … that’s just a social pretense to make other people feel less uncomfortable. Something akin to your last wifely duty.
Anger would be justified, and hardly a surprising reaction — not to mention, it’s part of the “sanctioned” grieving process. I’d be pretty pissed, and have been when I’ve learned of the unexpected deaths of people I’ve cared about.
Personally, I’m not a huge fan of surprises … and sudden death isn’t a pleasant one. I hope that doesn’t sound too flip, Sag rising conj Neptune, 8th house Jup/Merc in Leo.
I’ve met as many people in my life that fear death as I have people that fear anger. Seeing an angry reaction to death must be a totally terrifying scene for those people to witness — too much reality in one episode.
@ CArRiE I would like to shoot some toilets! Let me know if you find any
Wanted to comment on this thread but I couldn’t find it again. Was eating lunch the other day with a coworker I really like and while I kind of noticed she wasn’t her usual polished self (she looked kind of tired and without makeup) I of course said nothing.
I noticed the paper opened to the obituaries and commented on how young the person was (just around thirty) and how shocking his death must have been, because there wasn’t a cause of death or request for memorials to the American Cancer Society etc…
Turns out he was her daughters b/f, and her daughter was five months pregnant with their child. She woke up beside his dead body. He was in rehab I guess, not sure whether he relapsed or the shock of quitting stopped his heart.
I could just not imagine how horrified and grief stricken that poor girl must have been. How very, very sad.
brizo, I am so sorry. When I saw this comment, I didn’t know which post it was on but the one that came to mind was, “sudden death”. 
That poor girl.
brizo: “I have no idea how they feel. Even if I went through the same thing we might feel differently.”
that is wonderful.
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One thing I want to add, is getting these stories off the top allow the ones deeper down to surface. I need to get rid of the ones on top because the other ones want air.
I don’t think you can turn energy like this in – Mars + Jupiter is what is is.