inexplicable
adj.
Difficult or impossible to explain or account for.
I just mailed a gal, trying to assist with my book which has been on ice for 4 or 5 years now. While I can readily explain how I feel about this I have no way to account for my feelings. I just can’t draw a line from here to there or from anywhere that makes any logical sense.
I do know that 5 years ago I was horribly upset when it was set aside but I no longer feel that way. In fact I have no feelings whatsoever on the matter and I have no idea how I got from here to there though I am sure I escaped through the 12th house.
What occurred to me tonight is how fortunate I am to have close up encounters with the inexplicable. There are mysteries in my life, a lot of them. My book is a mystery.
I was contacted out of the blue sky by HQ in 2001, he liked the stories I was telling on my blog at the time. I interacted with him briefly before we got in a fight.
It was a culture clash but we didn’t know that at the time. In whatever case, I told him that he had no integrity and to fuck off which is apparently quite an insult to the Japanese. To Italians, not so much.  It’s just conversation or a statement of your position but anyway, that was the end of Elsa and HQ for a number of months and I surely never expected to hear from him again but I did.
He told me he had to brace himself to call me – this took me 3 or 4 years to understand because as you know, I think I am normal but he did contact me and he said he wanted to help me put a book together. This caused another skirmish. I think my exact words were, “What are you? Some kind of nice fuckin’ guy?”
He was appalled but covered. I was oblivious. Next thing you know were were working on this thing, I think it was 2002. Boy did we work.
The guy has got to be a least partly masochistic because it was punishing to work with me. It was punishing to work with him too though I would be hard pressed to tell you why other than it almost killed me. I mean, I just about broke my mind on the thing – the book is definitely one of the hardest things I have ever taken on in my life. Worse than math, LOL. Worse than anything however we did start enjoying ourselves at some point and we became friends.
“Friends” is not a light thing to Italians or the Japanese. it is more like a “life” thing and over the course of two years we got put this book together. Er… 2004 is when it was finished. I recall exactly because it was my daughter’s birthday and I had met the AMF and he was reading it – calling me at the theme park to report his impressions.
That was June and by July the thing went on ice. So it’s not 4 or 5 years, it is going on 6 and if you ask me why I wrote it I would tell you that is seemed like what I was supposed to do at the time. It was like going to the Vietnam Memorial, yes? I thought it was what I was supposed to do but the thought did not originate in me, it was transferred from another.
What I mean is I had no ambition to write a book, to publish, to be a writer or anything of the sort. Tell stories, yes. Why? To distract myself I would say. For a diversion.
My daughter was ill and I needed an escape. I could not go to work, see? It was impossible so I took on this grueling task, I may as well have been moving a mountain from here to there with a spoon, it was so hard.
So I finished it 2 years later and that was that. The whole body of work turned into nothing almost immediately after which sent me into a state of despair which also turned into nothing eventually. And now it is today.
I don’t care that that book is sitting. I don’t care if it ever get published. I don’t understand why I wrote it other than I felt called to write it and if there is some advantage or bullet I dodged by not publishing it in a timely manner, I am not aware of that either. I have no idea if I will ever care and in fact writing this tonight has provided me more information then I have ever have before. I wrote it for a diversion? Maybe that’s it and if so, it is still inexplicable as far as I can see.
It’s the like the time I got “pinned” between two cars when I was pregnant and wound up with nothing but dirt on my legs. You just have to marvel at stuff like this because it IS marvelous and that book is like that. How can the hardest project a person has ever taken on be meaningless? Well it is.
I had an much easier time getting un-homeless when I was 15 years old. Writing that book was bullshit, start to finish. It was God’s joke on Elsa, I think. One of those real funny ones, NOT.
Does this matter now? No. It seems like another life and completely irrelevant to the one I have now.
Tell us about your inexplicable experience.
23 Responses to “Things Inexplicable”
diastella, I would have thought along the same lines up until fairly recently. Now I realize it is very common to put a lot of work and energy into something and have it come to nothing. The idea is won’t or can’t happen is a fairy tale. People die all the time with their efforts un or under-appreciated.
The thing I think is notable is my acceptance and true willingness to have it erase. But on the other… well a good example is the soldier’s career. He fought against communism since he was 17 years old. All his friends are dead, died fighting communism and now Americans back brutal dictators and government intervention / take over of private business / mandate over personal lives, etc. You want to talk about effort and sacrifice for nothing. There are a lot of people in his boat.
Compared to his boat, mine is a dingy and also I learned to write better in that process, I am pretty sure though not positive because my head throbbed throughout.
Others invest heavily in other people, say a marriage or a friendship and get put out on the lawn. I guess I am just saying I no longer think things are so orderly. After all a flood can come and wipe thousands of us out at a clip and what is that?
Many of those people killed were in the middle of something or thought they were but instead it is the end of your life.
Oh i know this feel absolutely putting tons of energy/time/blood into a project, writing particularly– and have nothing result. I’ve often found the feeling horrifying. These days i’m trying to relax into failure (speaking for myself here only). Hard work (and desire, in my case) is no guarantee of anything. Now i often feel as though i’ve failed at two different writing “careers” although certain friends assure me it’s not over, give it time, etc. I still feel…locked in. I realize i sound negative. And I could die tomorrow…
I try to be more process-oriented but really i rather have the result (that i desire)
Well, I sort of forgot to make my point on this because the post became so long. But what I wanted to say was sometimes the tide does come in after going out like this and it is spectacular.
And example of that is the fact I am married. My heart snapped in 2 in early 2004 when I broke ties with the soldier. I just couldn’t believe the pain or the purpose. That was a month long sob-fest followed by no contact at all for 3 years.
But 3 years later we got together and 2 years after that we are married which is what I intended to convey with this post.
When you are exposed to the inexplicable it is possible a miracle is in process.
And if one’s entire life is inexplicable?
Hello there. I discovered this blog about a week ago and it just speaks to me. I read this post a few times and I’d like to offer my take on this …I can’t help but feel the book and the whole experience is not bullshit. At that time, you recognized you needed a diversion because of everything going on in your life with your daughter and the book opportunity presented itself. (A mystery. Adds interest and intrigue to life.) So you wrote it and finished it. That in itself is pretty amazing. How many of us have started something and not finished it? Now, 5 years later, you’re thinking about it again — enough to write about it. So, I guess I’m saying is I think you do care, ‘cuz my God, you devoted 2 years of your life to create this and you’re wondering why? Why not just put it out there? What’s stopping you? Is it HQ? Perhaps you’re stopping you. I don’t know. Maybe you had an idea of how you wanted the book to be presented and it didn’t work out that way. Maybe there’s another way. Perhaps the book can be reworked or turned into another form…Just thinking about the possibilities…
hmmmm
My career at 2 companies 1st it was restaraunts.
both lasted 10 years…Started entry level excited corp level.
problem both companies folded.
Friends 10 and 20 year relationships They are dead
My entire life is a big secret becasue anyone who lived I had experiences with just died
Charities I gave too, volunteer work I did
The charities have folded.
Ex> raised money in a community to save a pool.
The community got together and did the work themselves. Built a brand new structure.
This summer the bank took over that charity and demolished the building to put in its place a parking lot
So I think sometimes its not the object you make
or the corp structure you work for or the friends you have memories with.
I think its the journey..What is preventing you from selling your book on this website ?
E book Elsa..E book AND FIGURE OUT A WAY TO COMPENSATE THE jAPANESE GUY.
JUST MAKE SURE ITS COPYRIGHTED
Excuse mispellings..I have been up all night finishing off all my pans of lasgana..
Thanks, Rita and welcome. 
I think I probably wrote it for a reason too but just don’t know.
I also didn’t write it for a diversion at the time, that I knew of. I wrote it because HQ was compelling for some reason.
I should say that at that time, others (quite a few others) contacted me with various proposals. Most of them wanted to write my book for me.
Basically they could see I had lots of material which they lacked. They felt I was a lousy writer, they were much better so how about they steal my life for their book, you low life scum? Ha ha ha.
So anyway, HQ reached out in a way that was compelling. He was obviously sincere and I just thought it was God talkin’. An offer I was not to turn down or turn away from.
I am driven by invisible forces like this for good or ill. I will readily take a leap of faith if it seems I should so I did.
As for what is holding me back at this point, I would say it is me holding me back or just me holding.
I don’t do things when I have no impetus to do them and I have no idea how anyone lives any differently or even that they do live differently. The thing dissolved on me, I don’t know what else to say.
That is the thing inexplicable but hey. It does happen. People invest in things for years and then say, “no mas”. I think I am especially prone to this, actually. Probably (possibly) a manifestation of Uranus / Jupiter aspect in my chart.
I drove in a truck 15 mph the entire way around Australia as support crew for a guy trying to break the guinness record for longest solo bicycle race. (That was during the stellium in Taurus in 2000–I was a Taurus on steroids).
I mean, we went this speed for over 14,000 km.
I did this for free. At the very end we lost the rider. He pulled up to the finish line alone, and in his words “only a milk truck to greet me.” Then I fucked up with the paperwork and he never actually got the Guinness record. OOPS!
In the end for me it was about the experience. Tell you what though, that guy then said “hey I’ll fly you to the US and I can do such and such endurance rare there”and I said “NO fecking way.”
I trained for YEARS to be an endurance athlete (running) only to have it all go to shit and have my legs operated on. I just morph, that’s all I can say. Uranus in my 11th. I find new dreams and stupid shit to do:)
*race
kash, that reminds me. I watched one of my neighbor’s daughter for close to 2 years – 6 AM to 5 PM, I provided all meals (breakfast, lunch and snacks) and was never paid a dime. She did take me to an amusement park once (the mother, I mean).
I volunteered for this so totally my fault but here is the kicker:
When my family hit crisis and I could no longer help her, she abandoned me completely.
I still live across the street from her, 10 years later. She acts like she can’t see me and I have long ago accepted this.
She’s a Scorpio and used to watch the street from the corner of the window down low so I know she knows what is going on. She’s watched my whole family die and never lifted a finger or made an offer of any kind. I am a ghost.
This is another thing that bothered me tremendously but no longer does. Some of this stuff just is what it is. But boy did I have to drag my ass out of bed in the era, when the doorbell rang at 6 AM. I was exhausted.
I did it because she was a stay at home mom (she had a husband, I did not) trying to go back to work. I figured I was home with a baby anyway and may as well help out. I mean, this made sense in the era. I don’t know if people still do this or what.
There’s just too much – I can’t even begin to begin.
…that really is inexplicable. And reminds me that some people definitely do NOT remember the point of origin, if you catch my drift.
“I mean, this made sense in the era. I don’t know if people still do this or what”
Well, I do. I took a whole week off of work to look after my niece and I don’t even have a good relationship with my sister, in fact I think she’s nuts! LOL
If it was something back then, a distraction. Then there was its purpose. Also, you gained a friend during the experience. The book may be “nothing” now, but there was a reason then. Things change. Life happens.
“Now I realize it is very common to put a lot of work and energy into something and have it come to nothing. The idea is won’t or can’t happen is a fairy tale. … Others invest heavily in other people, say a marriage or a friendship and get put out on the lawn. I guess I am just saying I no longer think things are so orderly.”
Still wrapping my head around this. Sun-Saturn says that if I try my hardest, put in the effort, do the best that I can, I should get some stability, some reward, some recognition. It hurts my sould to learn it’s not so. 
Well fact is, a bomb falls on your head / plague / flood whatever and that’s it. Hasn’t happened to you (yet) but it’s happened to billions throughout history, yet people still think they can make life “fair”.
Actually, it happens to me a lot. *laughs* But it’s always a shock and I’m always discombobulated. I’m deeply offended that life isn’t fair, always have been. Man, it’s amazing how astrology plays out sometimes!
See, if you felt *called* to do this, I can’t help but think a reason for that calling will present itself at some point, even if it hasn’t now and you lost all energy for it. (I hear ya, I lose all energy for my books after they’re done too, hence why I never bother to do the work of publishing.) Maybe the calling will return at some point, maybe it won’t. But I suspect that the whole thing just hasn’t played out yet.
Jennifer, I think like you but as more time passes it seems less and less likely that book will surface while I am alive.
However, I have Jupiter in aspect to Uranus so who knows.
Aah, Uranus, the master of surprise!
Yeah, I don’t think you can count anything out – life like mine. I mean you REALLY cant count anything out because I am married to a man I thought was dead for 2 decades!
I mean you REALLY cant count anything out because I am married to a man I thought was dead for 2 decades!
And thank the heavens you are! 
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I dunno know….that’s quite something writing a book, going through how many breaking points within yourself and then – nothing. I don’t believe it. All that energy has to go somewhere, even if is not an immediate exchange.