goody two shoes hard rock listening obsessive straight A student with a rich fantasy life (inside the science fiction section in the library) and no one to talk to.

Extremely sensitive, assertive, prone to crying, loved exercise (running at that time), intrigued by past wars and present (in 1992 the past being WWII and the present being former Yugoslavia), a desire to be a politician (!), consumed with the fact I didn’t feel christianity was for me, good friends who sustained me, self-loathing, confidence.

I was a “Mixed Bag” ha ha (Sun opposed Uranus)

My interests have not shifted, but I cycle everywhere now and can’t run since major surgery on my legs when I was 19. I have no desire to be a politician (that’s what cynicism will do), I’m perfectly okay with not following the christian faith as prescribed to me, I have good friends who sustain me, still a healthy dose of self-loathing (thank you Sun sq. Saturn), extremely sensitive, less assertive (Mars-Saturn picks her battles carefully). And yes, confidence in weird areas that juxtapose the self-loathing!

Sorry this was so long!

Kash–I totally wrote in an “about me” section just yesterday, “I am a mixed bag”. Cue twilight zone music.

I really had to think about this, and I’ll probably not get it right anyway. Self-perception can be out of whack at times…

Light up a room, precocious and curious, lover of all who was made to be everything to everyone by birth order.

I still am all of those things. Heh, a coworker even nicknamed me “sunshine”.

Read a lot, a so-called “good girl” (nobody had any idea what I was thinking) and always mentally somewhere else.
Never had any hardship in my life, always struggling with religious questions.

15-year old me: Serious, immensely perceptive, studious, and knows absolutely NOTHING. So out of it she doesn’t even know how out of it she is.

I’ve changed a lot since then. The people who knew me then are shocked by how much. I’m so much more in the world now, cooler, kinder, more engaged with others, warmer. (I had good intentions then… but just didn’t know how to make a difference, or even think about that. And it’s not all completely positive… but these are the biggest changes.) I’m still a little weird, but not so weirded out as I was.

Sometimes I’m acutely aware of who I was as a child, and of what that young person would think of me now: Absolutely terrified, and maybe a tiny bit amazed, that I’ve become who I am, and that I am doing the things I’m doing.

At 15 I was a very very straight kid who hated to let anyone down. I listened to all my friends and parents troubles and could be counted on to never repeat anything told to me. I was a super bookworm and naive and extremely romantic LOL.

When life became too much I couldn’t turn to anyone. I was the one everyone else leaned on, so in my mind I couldn’t switch roles I guess.

Life became unbearable for many reasons, of which 90% I had no control over to repair or make any changes to.

I lost faith in myself and anyone that was supposed to love me and care about my well being, I was hurt emotionally and physically one too many times and snapped mentally. I became suicidal, not the looking for attention kind, but was very determined focused kind.

Fate and Angels watched over me, I had horse shoes up my ass and obviously never succeeded. I began to fight back and decided to take care of me. I learned how to lash back as good as I got. I became very angry and distrustful.

I never lost my moral code, I didn’t lie or break confidences, never stole etc. But I sure as hell cut loose. I have done every drug with the exception of crystal meth I think, and there is no drug you can escape life with other than heroin. I never did become wired to any.

Today, I am still the same person as I was at 15, I hurt over the same kinds of things, but rarely allow people to see. I am not suicidal nor do I take drugs etc. I have life experiences that have made me wiser and I don’t regret much of anything I have lived through. I am always watchful of when the other shoe might drop if I start to trust someone.

I am still angry.

I still believe in miracles, I still have hope.

My hopes are not always realized, but I always hope.
-Ovid

Fifteen. That was the year I went quiet.

I recently reconnected via internet and phone with a boy I dated in highschool. I was his first girlfriend ever… it was amazing, he remembered everything about me, things I never think about. He said I was a huge positive influence on his life. I had no idea.

According to him I haven’t changed at all. I think I was fierce and stubburn, a dreamer, a rebel and a good student who wanted to drop out and do volunteer work. I tried my hardest at everything, tried everything in the world as fast as I could… holed up and wrote poetry.. obsessed with music.

Jilly- I am sorry to hear that you are having a rough go!

I was a nature boy. Loved trees, birds, mountains, stars, planets, the ocean, the Sun, the rain. Still do. Was entrepreneurial, in order to support my habits…like buying clothes, good things to eat. Craved to have a girlfriend. Had a few clumsy relationships with girls. Liked reading and writing. Fascinated by other dimensions as well as the earth plane. Read a lot of Carlos Castenada. Fascinated by money. Fascinated by the duality of everyday life and soul.

What has changed. I don’t like cold weather anymore.

[I do not crave to have a girlfriend anymore either, though generally, I still prefer the company of women. Who would have guessed? I'm hanging out here, right?]

Work in my mom’s diner was the only real thing for me. When I wasn’t flipping burgers, I was a movie watching, book reading, banjo picking mess. I’ve changed quite a bit…alot happier, but I still watch/sing/read myself out. Venus/Sun/Neptune

Mercury in Capricorn, as well. But I have to say that I am so glad that I am not that 15 year old and have grown and have learned, mostly via School of Hard Knocks. I absolutely think people can change, as I know I have changed. Although it definitely takes study, persistence and practice. As children, our brains are an open book, we are pre programmed only to download, til about to the age of 7, and unfortunately, this (subconciousness) program (which hears mostly negative, young kids hear about 80-90% “No” rather than “Yes”, not to mention all the traumas) rules at least 90% of our thoughts and actions for the rest of our lives, unless and until we can understand that we CAN reprogram all that shit.

I have learned several different ways to communicate with the Subconciousness, and have to say that with practice, I now have a totally new outlook on life, and one that was fated to me if accepted. I have heard from more than a few intuitives that my destiny is to change my family patterns and history and although I thought that this was a most boring and unflattering “destiny” ever, I realize how much it benefits me as well as future generations.

i like how you mention that you haven’t changed at all. I don’t think people change, either. I’ve always thought it. I am the essence of what i was when i was four years old and petting bunnies at my neighbor’s house.

I was very driven then. Much much less so now. I was OLD and responsible and surrounded by many who were not capable of being responsible back then. Extreme introvert, had an extroverted period in my 20′s and then went back inside.

I was displaced from the farm shortly before age 15 to a suburb in a very different part of the country. I fit in, not at all. I had nothing to talk about in common with my peers. No TV growing up will do that. No real experience with “hanging at the mall” or other suburban activities. Farm life – well you work and you play but it’s so very very different. I just couldn’t relate. So I withdrew. Oh and to add to that I was a real tomboy and so was, in their world, gay/lesbo or whatever name they wished to call me. Finally got a boyfriend at 16. Still know him over the net – thrilled not to be married to him but like him as a human and friend still.