The Moon conjunct the Jupiter, Chiron, Neptune conjunction hit my natal chart hard. You can see the expansion and innovation on this blog as witness but today was something else.

I some work to do today but mostly I spent the day in motion. Jupiter doesn’t like closed in spaces so I got out and around on foot, on wheels, on machines because I thought this the best way to encourage insight and I have not been disappointed.

One thing I realized is it is quite possible to have no idea how devastated you are. It is possible to be so beaten down you’ve no measure and I see now this has happened twice in my life, or more succinctly put, I have been alive long enough to seen a full Saturn cycle and things repeat.

When you have been alive but not exactly “in life” and you hit town the way I did when I was 15 years old and arrived from the desert, it very hard to understand the things people say and do.

They talk to you as if you a like them which is understandable since you look like them – sorta. But the things they say are impossible to understand whether they be references to TV shows when you grew up without one or complaints about your look or your personality when you’ve never really looked in a mirror before and you think your personality is fine.

For example, I did not know I looked, “Italian” until I was almost 30 years old and my sister and “Sonia” (if you read that story) had to work very hard to convince me of this reality. Sounded like this:

“Are you sure?” I asked my sister.

“Yes I am sure.”

“Well if you’re right and I don’t think you are, then when did this start? When did I start looking Italian?”

“Elsa, we were Italian kids.”

“Hmm. Well I knoooow that. But I mean when did I start being recognizably, Italian. Like now you say people see me and think I am Italian. When did that start?”

“Er… when you were born? How can you not know this?”

“I didn’t know there was anything I was supposed to know. I am still not sure you are telling me the truth.”

“Well what do you think you looked like when you were little?”

“I don’t know. A kid?”

She was incredulous. “You mean an Italian kid.”

“All right, let me get this straight. I leave the house and go somewhere, people see me and think, she’s Italian.”

She laughed. “Yes.”

“Well I’ll be damned. I am going to ask people about this if you don’t mind. I find it hard to believe and I just wonder if anyone agrees with you.”

*click

Brinnnnnng briiiiiinnnnng! “Hello, Sonia? When you met me, what did you think I was. What nationality, I mean? Could you tell?”

“Well I figured you were Italian…”

I shook my head.

And this same phenomenon occurs on this blog. You guys say things that shock the hell out of me, isn’t that funny?

Back then I couldn’t figure why anyone would be surprised I didn’t know what I looked like. No one ever told me I was supposed to know and to this day I find it pretty queer from all angles.

In whatever case, when I was a kid I used to get on my bike and ride 20 miles in the burning hot sun just to get away. The next day I would ride another 20 miles and be glad to do it. I felt similar today, walking.

I have always had a lot to think about, I don’t know what else to say.