“Two people told me they trusted me today. You know. They don’t trust anyone but they do trust me. Two! Isn’t that strange?”

“Yeah. How’d that make you feel?” he asked.

“Make me feel? Not much. I mean I know I can be trusted. They can trust me for sure.”

(sweating below the brea)

“I don’t trust anyone,” he said.

“I trust everyone,” I said. “I readily trust people so I guess that is why I didn’t feel much. I have not idea what it’s like not to trust anyone. What is it like?”

“Safe. You don’t get fucked over as much.”

“Oh. I get fucked over all the time, I could care less. Anyway,” I said going back to a previous conversation we were having. “I do think we were married that first morning after we met and not only that, I knew it. I mean, you were my husband that morning, going to work.”

“Yeah, that’s probably right.”

“Yeah and I knew it too. I really did know it, not that I had any idea how to be a wife. But I knew I was married – you were my husband that morning, going off to work.”

“Yep.”

“I did know and I also knew when you married someone else, things had gone awry. I mean I knew completely.”

“You did?”

“Yeah. I didn’t think of myself at that time. I thought, oh no there is a mistake. There is an error but there was nothing I could do. I feel bad about what you went through because of that though. For example you marry someone who makes you sleep in a bunk on your wedding night.”

He laughed. “That’s strange isn’t it?”

“I guess it’s strange but it makes me feel bad. I’d just as soon you never went through that. I don’t like that it happened, it would be like you hearing about me being with a man who didn’t appreciate me. I’d have appreciated you in all circumstance.”

“You sure kicked me out a lot,” he said.

“Yeah, I couldn’t handle my feelings. I may not have known how to handle my feelings and I may not have known how to get married as a Catholic… I didn’t know how in the world I might deal with my problems but I always appreciated you. I mean, never did I not love you. I always appreciated who you were, that’s all.”

“I know, P.”

“Yeah, and it’s not like I could ask someone how to handle anything. How am I going to explain the situation and have anyone understand it? People don’t understand what the hell I am talking about today when all I do is speak clearly and I do it all day long. How am I going to get someone to listen and understand me when I’m 17 and I speak pure, Desert?”

“You’ve got a point there, P.”

“Yeah, there was no way to even begin. The situation was hopeless and the decision was made, it’s shocking.”