Last night the soldier told me he tried to avoid putting people in a situation where they had to feel sympathetic. It was an interesting statement and turns out I agree with him. Matter of fact, I go out of my way to avoid getting sympathy and he was able to articulate why. He thinks it’s a waste of time in both directions and this has definitely been my experience.
Now I have some hard core problems and if I tell people about them they will feel sympathetic, and consequently they will feel obligated to try to help. Typically they suggest I try things I have already tried many times over which gives me the burden of explaining that I have already tried the thing, why it didn’t work and so forth.
In the process, I have just told the sympathetic person that their offer of help is of no use and you see how this does wind up being not only a waste of time but a cause of pain in both directions.
I have learned this lesson very well and consequently I almost never discuss my problems as they are all exceedingly complicated. Further if they are resolvable at all, I am looking at a process that will take years if not a decade or more. Knowing this is so exhausting I’ve got no further coin to toss but in talking about this I got to wondering about the opposite type person.
There is another type person who loves sympathy and tries to garner it at every turn. I am not sure what benefit it brings and I wonder if you know.
I do contact people about my problems but only for practical advice I am pretty sure they will have available.
I also dump emotion / pain onto people at times but I only do this with people who I know have the capacity to shrug it off on go on with their day. Sort of like people do with me during consultations. I can receive someone’s pain, turn it around or transform it will no ill effects but here is the question:
Do you try to get people to feel sorry for you? Why? Also where is your Neptune?
25 Responses to “Various Perspectives On Sympathy”
Grew up getting zero sympathy (actually very antagonistic towards it really) so I feel uncomfortable sharing pain etc & rarely have – but I think I’m supposed to?
I have been more visible with it in the past year.
Sympathy and compassion and empathy are 3 different things to me but that is flavored by some Buddhist teachings where the Rinpoche picked apart each one.
NO–I avoid it for years! People who do it excessively just identify with their pain so much that without it they wouldn’t feel human.
I’m gonna have to cop to trying to get people to feel sorry for me. It’s not something I’m proud of… in fact I actually hate that I do this and have been working on this tendency a lot lately. I am getting better!
I realized that this was an unhealthy behavior for all the reasons you outlined in your post. I decline the suggestions sympathetic people give me, but it makes both people feel worse.
As for why I do this – I think it’s because I feel like I’m incapable of solving my own problems. The more I discover my own power to help myself, the less I participate in this sympathy-getting behavior. It’s harder but it feels SO much better in the end. And I have healthier friendships!
Oops forgot about Neptune – mine is 00 Cap conjunct moon and descendant. A tendency to play the victim. 
got neptune in my 4th, trine saturn in my 7th.
i do not look for sympathy; in fact, unless someone knows me quite well, they have no idea of how much anything impacts me. i’m highly emotional, but keep my own struggles very controlled and many times don’t even talk to close friends until i’ve gotten some kind of handle already. and even when i do talk, it’s not uncommon for folks to still not have a clue how big a deal something is to me.
i did learn from crisis counseling training to avoid offering suggestions and keep it to reflecting/validating feelings. most people with significant problems are very familiar with potential solutions already.
as far as the folks who seek sympathy out, i’ve always thought sometimes they are looking for confirmation they have a “right” to be upset, or that the problem is “unsolvable,” or that it’s not their fault. and some i think are just another brand of attention ho.
while i’m open to get help from others when i need it, in general I don’t trust anyone else to be smarter or more insightful than I am in solving my own problems. whether I’m right or wrong, who could say? 
Another thing just occurred to me – speaking only for myself, I don’t know that I have (or ever had had) time to sit or stand there with someone feeling sorry for me.
It’s more like being constantly under the gun…
sitara i like your honesty.
i don’t like people to feel sorry for me. it makes me feel weakened somehow. sharing my experiences is always a tricky thing for me…i want to share because it’s important for me to ‘let people in’ (as opposed to shutting down/off).
but i don’t want someone to think i am angling for something, as i have been accused of in the past. repeatedly! it makes me so stressed out.
12H neptune, trine 8H saturn and 4H mars/venus conjunction.
goddess that makes so much sense. i like your take on this, esp. in relation to crisis counseling.
well, the other thing is, if you’ve got somebody sitting there feeling sorry for you, it’s a way of being more bound to your problems. they check up on you. they ask about it. you spend more energy talking about them and thinking about them and, in general, amping up the impact in your life. they are bigger and more real that way.
Sitara, I think you’re very smart to look at the reason behind the issue, and address the real cause. And it leaves you more powerful in the process. What’s not to love about that?
Thanks, Kashmiri. It is indeed a learned skill! I won’t say I never offer advice to friends ’cause I do, but not the way I did before.
I admire Sitara as well and agree with goddess. In fact I try to explain that to people all the time – Talking about it makes it worse!!
“I already had to live it, I’d just as soon not rehash…”
OMG so many posts since I first read this!
I totally agree. Some challenges are better kept private and only shared with people you know will be able to deal.
As for this “There is another type person who loves sympathy and tries to garner it at every turn. I am not sure what benefit it brings and I wonder if you know.”
The benefit is external validation is what and this does not work, never fills the glass and so that’s why it’s an addiction seriously. I feel qualified to speak about this because it’s a recursive theme in my family.
Falling in victim mode, regardless of whatever horrible things have happened, culprits will be invented when necessary. Add passive/aggressive undertone and manipulation, deep insecurities & emotional exhaustion, confusion about (amongst various things) what’s really going on & one’s actual resources to deal with whatever, not knowing one’s effectiveness. Phew. (I also blame my Judeo-Catholic background! LOL, how dare you be happy when the world suffers? so find something to be pitied for. Especially strong amongst my elders & this is still around)
Anyway I think that deep down they/we-the-victims ;P are looking for compassion not sympathy.
Responding with sympathy or pity enables ‘victims’ to pursue that game & guarantees staying stuck there.
But If they meet with real compassion (not pity!) which I define as: accepting, respecting and not judging the person’s situation, attitude, choices, behavior or feelings, and not trying to fix anything — they are not enabled in pursuing this poor little me game. If no one plays the game, omg reality can happen! btw Enablers are as offensive here.
Natal Neptune opposes Sun/Merc & they are all squared by Saturn.
I like feeling the compassion/empathy of others. Even if someone gives me “pity,” i don’t mind, especially if it comes with a hot fudge sundae
i’m with you, moon pluto — grew up in a family that would never acknowledge pain of any kind — you could be falling on the floor with 105 degree fever and be told to stop whining. at this point i’m a sucker for anyone who has my back and ‘feels my pain’.leo pluto exactly on the descendant, libra neptune in the 8th…
When my first hubby passed away leaving myself and four children – The sympathy was, as you can imagine – overwhelming – The only way I got through that is to feel for everybody else and reassure them – Quite bizarre actually. Venus Pisces and Neptune Sadge –
It is more therapeutic for me to work on my own stuff by helping others – I believe I was born to give of myself.
no.
people often try to patronize you if they feel sorry for you and that makes it worse.
neptune square ascendant and mars. in the fourth house. sag.
Thank you everyone!
Lots of food for thought here! Goddess, I agree that enabling sympathy-seekers is counterproductive, and I can definitely relate to wanting to know that I have the right to be upset/not know how to fix things.
Kashmiri, you bring up a great point about shutting down/off… interesting because it feels better to share/let people in when I feel like my problems are under control, not when I’m stuck or floundering.
I just like people around me to feel, feel something hate ,greed,sympathy whatever it be there’s nothing like staring at a human being. In other words I can give a damn what you feel about or towards me it’s not helping me one damn bit! I’d rather walk in a room and not get any reaction, it’s better than someone judging you off of what they don’t know. They know what someone told them but I have the original script. I will play the movie and tell the truth when and how I see fit. As far as my trust goes to no one at all too many people have already betrayed that but I’m changing my name to Judas!
I’ll take compassion and empathy, but sympathy? No way. Sympathy bruises my pride. Compassion and empathy build me up.
I’d give you the astrology, but no clue as to what makes me tick that way.
when offered sympathy that is not wanted, a quick hug or a squeeze of the hand and a whispered thank you, returns that energy back to the giver. I believe most people have kindness within and especially women want to heal, mend, help.
Sometimes I like a bit of empathy/sympathy mixed with love and undertanding. Sometimes it’s okay to cry with someone.
As others have said, compassion and empathy yes, sympathy, absolutely not.
I have found more often than not over the years that those who are always ready with the sympathy are vampires who get a big feed up from being ‘helpful’. Their idea of helpful though, is to to nod knowingly, and make lots of talk, but if you ask for practical help they disappear.
Forgot – Neptune in Scorpio
I’m stuck in the don’t tell my problems and shut everyone out / how much do I let people in trap.
I don’t want sympathy.
Sometimes I want do want validation, though, that I’m handling things, that things really are kinda crap, that I actually have a reason to be upset and aren’t just flying off the handle. I’ve been twisted up and around so often lately that I can’t judge reliably anymore, my internal compass is shot to hell. Sometimes I really need to check in with someone else to bounce ideas off of and get a quick reflection, see if it’s accurate.
Freakin’ Neptooon! God, I’ll be happy once he clears 2 Pisces. In, like, 2013. *lol*
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I don’t like people feeling sorry for me, mainly because it stings my pride I think — I know I’ve had stuff to deal with, and feel that for the most part I’ve come out a lot better than many would under the same conditions. That’s not a position that takes kindly to pity.
However, I think there’s a difference between sympathy and pity as well. I may sympathize with you, Elsa, for the pain and difficulty that you experience in spades, but I do not pity you. You are an exceptional woman, and there’s simply nothing to pity about that.
Empathy is a bit harder because in order for someone to put themselves in your shoes and really know what you’re feeling, they’d have to get a good measure of what’s going on, and as you’ve stated, that’s something you don’t share on a public basis or with people who can’t absorb it and then let it go.
My Neptune is in Sag (ninth house), sextile Pluto.