Speaking of the Moon (mothering) conjunct Uranus and opposing Saturn, I ran into something yesterday I hope to convey because it’s just so important… in my opinion. Others may disagree and vehemently but I’ll tell you, this was crushing for me. Crushing and instructive.
Yesterday my son was sent in to meet the lions. Never mind who did it, it happened and by the time I realized what was going on it was too late to stop him unless I were to stop traffic, leap buildings and move heaven and earth. I called the soldier…
“P, he’s just going to have to take his lumps. He’ll learn. He will figure it out.”
“But…” I went on to explain how my son was going to ripped to shreds.
“He’s going to get cut and you’ve got to let him. He can’t be hiding in him mother’s skirt the rest of his life. He’s got to learn and this is how he’ll do it.”
“Stay out of it?”
“Stay out of it. This is boy stuff. This is not have-your-mom-come-save-you stuff. Do you want to teach him to get in his mother’s skirt and hide?”
“No.”
“Well then you’ve got to let him take some hits, that’s how a boy becomes a man. You want your boy to be a man you’ve got to let him figure stuff like this out on his own and I guarantee you he will figure it out if you stay out of it so you just keep your skirt out of this, P. He doesn’t need you coming in there to save him – you let that boy learn…”
I did not leap over those buildings yesterday and it was intensely difficult. I am posting this for single mothers out there who do not have a soldier in their life.
33 Responses to “Voice Of Mars: Mothers And Sons”
that is one of the hardest parts of parenting for me: letting ‘em learn their own lessons. agh. gut-wrenching. but yeah, you have to let them do it. it’s how they grow up.
You’re very luck to have the soldier, and those who needed this advice are lucky to have you. I’m not a single mother, but I am a teacher, and my first inclination when I see any “behavior” like this is to get fiercely protective of whoever is weaker. It’s my job to stop these things altogether, so I do, but this advice is not lost on me, that’s for sure. And I can hear the importance you place on it in your writing.
I was a single parent for a while, with my son, so I truly appreciate your thoughtfulness there..know it’ll resonate
Thanks, Dolce, this was CRUSHING. I mean it felt like my head, my whole self was being crushed but the fact is I want my boy to be a man and I admit it.
I want him to be a man so bad, I am willing to take chances with the lions and if this makes me a lousy mother – well I disagree.
(And if this is not Saturn on the Moon, I don’t know what is.)
It is hard to do this stuff without a man. In fact, it is damned near impossible and I guess I am going to get into trouble pretty quick here but I think parenting is totally broken (as I have mentioned before) and Pluto in Capricorn is going to make this apparent to everyone eventually. 
I agree. A friend in medicine shared some scary statistics about kids today and the problems which have ballooned in the last 20 years. She too says parents are going to have to wake up. And those who raised kids who are now in their 20′s, they are going to reparenting for the next 20+years because of it. It’s a nightmare for all concerned.
Good on ya Elsa. I’ve never had kids but witnessed loved ones trying to deal with that type of pain about their child. It’s no easy feat.
I agree, Elsa, especially with your last comment. Parenting is broken. Even while I was married, it was broken.
Well the fact is, I don’t want my son having women defend him because the other fact is I don’t respect men who send women to do their fighting.
I want to respect my son, so I best not wrap him up in my skirt but it is SO against nature for a mom…
Is parenting totally broken? Has the state taken over from the individual parent? Is there so much political correctness around everything we do that instinct has been thrown out of the window to be replaced by a manual? Maybe so, Elsa..Pfahh.. let’s rebel. I had a lousy time as a single mum,and was so cynical about the way people’s attitudes changed when I remarried..suddenly I was acceptable and my voice was heard in certain quarters..(although our lawyer would only speak to my new husband about selling MY flat (apartment) back in 1976..as I wouldn’t understand.. even tho hubby knew nothing about it all!..he was a MAN..wow).. so I stick up for single mums.. yet my son says that time was wonderful.. he’s 38 now.. and has a great relationship with his step-dad, but it still pisses me off that society gives single mums a hard time. One of my friends has two daughters and no man..and her kids are so well balanced, so loving, and both have achieved a lot, but without a man ( hell-loh!..what for?) it’s hard for her at times, too. Cybering over a cup of hot tea here Elsa.. my answer to all of life’s concerns.. morph it into whatever your cuppa of choice is and know a friend made it and wishes she could do more.
Thank You for this, I am a single mom, and though my little one is still little, I will keep it in the back of mind as he grows. I so agree “that parenting is broken”…Thanks
Yes, did Vid come out alright?
“It is hard to do this stuff without a man. In fact, it is damned near impossible”
I agree completely. Thank you for posting this. It is just not possible for a mother, no matter how capable (or Mars-y), to have the instincts of a woman and a man at the same time, and kids need both. I always look forward to what you write on this.
I wonder how this works for girls. I grew up with no one ever defending me. I’ve learned to defend myself but it never felt good and right, just necessary. basically I had to learn to be a man and I don’t make a good man.
Vid came out all right. I mean, he is in tact. I think he had an experience that goes into a pile of other experience he is going to have that will shape him. When I went through this angst yesterday I knew it to save his life… I do not expect this to pay short term, I expect to pay when my son is 25 and acts like a man.
This is the non pc part. I don’t think men should send women out to fight their fights for them so if I want my son to become that kind of man I best let him develop as a boy and a man rather than keep him my baby.
Because he really isn’t my baby, is he? He’s a boy growing into a man.
I’m single mom and my son is in a new school this year in a tough class….with lots of bullying. I agree it builds strength and muscle to let a child learn to fight his battles, and not run and hide in his mother’s skirt at every boo hiss……but….if bullying is pervasive, cruel and unrelenting…then a kids needs a protector…regardless of gender. Sounds to me that soldier knows what’s right for your son, Elsa. He knows the steps he has to take and that he can. I’m going to remember this next time…if it’s not over the top, I’ll refrain from putting out my bear claws….ok, you know I have Mars in Cancer…that’s pretty Mars-y (I like that Jessica 
in the tough Mama way!
Elsa, I had a similar experience last year. This stupid kid, more of a PITA than a bully, kept bothering my son. They got into a tiff on the bus. It took all I had not to tell off this kid and his parents (who, not surprisingly, enable him to act like that). But I stepped back and let my son defend himself against the kid.
Our job is to protect them, but one of the greatest gifts we can give them is teaching them to protect themselves.
I’m not a mother myself but it’s interesting for me to watch how my mom interacts with my younger brother and how it differentiates between her treatment of my sister and I. She says men have a hard time later in life (they rarely find someone else to take care of them, like women supposedly can) so she wants to give him a leg up while she can and often runs to his aid. He’s 11 and a smart kid so maybe it’s just me being a jealous sibling when I call it babying.
ditto, satori.
although i take great pleasure in remembering telling my grade 6 teacher to fuck off when, after a particular vicious assault by some boy, she told me ‘i brought it upon myself.’
no kid brings a set of hands wrapped around her neck upon herself, especially not while playing soccer.
For the record, this was not a bullying situation. It was a strange situation as my family is prone to have.
It would be like a woman letting her daughter find out on her own that the man is no good, except very different because Mother/daughter is not mother/son.
We instinctively coddle our children (boys and girls) but if this is all a boy ever knows… well he is going to expect and yes – he is going to get his wife to fight his fights for him – tell me you don’t know men like this?
And there are women who like to play mother to men like that so that is all fine – none of my business.
What I am copping to here is I personally DON’T like those kind of men so if I don’t make these choices now, I am going to end up with a an adult son I do not respect so I am doing this now (it’s hard and against nature) so that he can grow to be a man… what I think a man is which I know is not PC.
it’s un-pc to say boys and girls have different needs but experience has led be to a staunch belief that they do.
I have a great kid – I have no idea what the hell I did right, but I did something, because, he just is a great kid. He is 18 now, still lives with us, but is going to college full-time. I did protect him – I am a pitt-bull when it comes to my loved ones, especially my kids, it is just in my nature. But I do remember once, he was around 6, and in day-camp, and the counselor told me that this other kid started picking on my son, and well, it was not my kid who ended up with the bloody nose. The counselor said to me she would not admit saying this, but the other kid deserved it. And yet, my son is very low-key, polite, and fun-loving. So, I’ll take that combination 
Elsa, it has, in my opinion, been good for my son to live with his father at this point in his life. I’m such a mama bear, and he was so ignored by the male who was supposed to influence his life that I did screw up more than once covering his ass.
It’s good for him now to have the roof over his head, food in his stomach, but be required to stand on his own feet. He knows Mom is here, but let me tell you, unless he’s craving enchiladas (his dad’s specialty is hamburger helper and rice), I don’t hear from him too often.
Given his age, that is kinda how it is, whether you live in the same house or not. I miss him, but I know he’ll be back when he’s done with the growing he needs to do right now.
My two boys are now 18 and 22 and my daughter is 25, and I remember once when my youngest son was about 15, (guys get goofy and brain does not engage at times at this age…… and older), my son came home with a group of guys from school and they were all joking around as they do and one of them made a comment to me about how I looked ( he was trying to be cool )and before I could say anything to him, my son said to him, “hey, now that’s not cool,….you can’t talk like that to my mom, you need to apologize. That’s my mom! And the boy did….I was so proud of my son and it is so hard not butting in and taking over. He is this way with the girls his age too….stands up for them and is polite and chivalrous. My guys are like young bucks….they are learning the ways of the forest and hopefully grow into being alpha leaders of their own pack….wow!, sounds like the Bambi movie….but the analogy is the same for me…thank you, Elsa again for another great topic!
I know exactly how hard this is. My 16-year old won’t mince words telling me to get out of his life, but he still wants me to protect him. He is his own worst enemy. Unfortunately, he’s made such bad choices that I have had to be a large catalyst in the way the Saturn-Uranus opposition happens to be playing itself out in his life. I grapple each time I am faced with the choice between protecting my baby boy and doing what is right to make him a productive adult.
It may be helpful for parents to remember that their children got their strength from them, as a legacy, so they are very well equipped to face others of the same age. It’s like being you there because it’s your strength, but better for the child because it gives them the chance to own the legacy. And children also appreciate it that you believe in this legacy and trust them.
Yes, I feel for you – I have four sons and I would have to say the hardest thing I have had to do at times is stand back – It’s a huge lesson and I still have to remind myself all the time – My boys are 20-19 – 15 and 13 – I am remarried but still bring them up single handedly because of my protective nature – right or wrong I can’t help it
Thanks for the post Elsa :0
incredible topic….any resolutions on a non-individual level, for the larger populace? ‘It is hard to do this stuff without a man. In fact, it is damned near impossible and I guess I am going to get into trouble pretty quick here but I think parenting is totally broken’
i don’t have a son- but the way you wrote about the inner struggle, i can easily id with in my rel. with my daughter… i have felt this too.
loved the detach- uranus- ‘not my baby….hes a boy, growing into a man’
I think the best we can do is be the best we can be..now my son is about to be 38 (on Sunday) he is a fine man and I take no credit for any of it, other than the good manners, and the bit of him that straightens coasters on tables without thinking..then he tsks and frowns at me for this learned habit!! I’ve never been in the position where I’d have the choice to fight any battles for him..(only the ones with the bank manager in his student days!)his chart is complex and feisty.. although he shares some deep stuff every now and then and that touches my heart.. I’m trying to say that kids steer us too, right from birth.. I see that even more clearly in my two little grandsons and their charts and my little granddaughter too.. kids steer us too..and often what we do is instinctive, in response to what they’re letting us know they need or don’t need of us. I don’t think any parent will ever be able to sit back and say hey. I did that right… eh?
I’m a single mum too raising my Pisces 14 year old son. No soldier around here.
Can I clarify Elsa’s comment? to
“It is hard to do this stuff without a DECENT man”
as the soldier must be.
Because there are plenty of hopeless men in these parts and I will not settle for a dickhead, ’cause I’ve been there and done that!
I’ve endless stories of the troubles my son and I have faced together, but I’ll try to keep it brief.
As a pisces, he turned 14 on St. Patricks day, just this month. He has Sun in Pisces, 1st house, and moon in Virgo, 6th house. So Uranus is conjunct is Sun first house!!! he is so rebellious, tells his teachers to f**ck off at least twice a week, dyed his hair jet black and is burning bridges all over.
Saturn is closing in on his moon very soon which screams loneliness, and could be the consequences of his extreme behavior.
He is a gorgeous boy and I love him dearly, but there are enormous challenges we face.
it’s difficult to let kids learn things the hard way, but sometimes they need to…
and, yeh, parenting is pretty broken.
Sigh. Coming to terms with this at the moment. I totally agree, they have to learn to be men, and part of that is having enough stature in themselves to be able to stand their ground. And the lessons start earlier than we mothers would like, I know.
My 14-year-old thinks that life sucks. Esp. since i took away his xbox. (though he is still left w/gameboy, iphone…..). I’m a pushover for a sob story, but tonight I’m going to make him go out and do some weed whacking.
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Misbehaving at school and having consequences is one thing, other situations– am not good at letting it go. If I told you what I said to a kid (a nasty, sneering, ghetto-y 3rd grader) who I SAW punch my son in the head when they came out of school last year(and i was on the other side of a fence and it took a harrowing minute for me to get over there) you would think I was a horrible adult with no self-control. My son is not hard or socially clever, he’s pretty innocent and so I flipped out.
I still hate that kid.