The soldier and I were completely out of contact for 3 years between 2003-06. He read my (other) blog during that that time… quietly.

When he resurfaced and told me he’d been reading I was not surprised because he told me (in these exact words) “I’m going to track you like a dog on a scent until I die. Sorry but I will do it, I won’t be able to stop myself.”

He did not recall saying that to me although he said it twice. The soldier leaks sometimes, it’s very strange.

Anyway, he also likes secrets. He likes to have them and to hold them and to release them slowly. This may sound unnerving it’s actually a delight because what he (eventually) reveals is always potent and delightful to a degree that is… here comes the Scorpio word – unfathomable.

So he told me he’d been reading my blog and eventually he elaborated. He described the conditions he was in when he read. He told me about his various emotional states during these years and how he would react to some of the things I’d write.

“I slammed my fist into the table a few times,” he said, “but mostly I just wished I could talk to you. I wanted to talk to you about some of the things you were saying.”

“Like what?”

“Various things. A lot of the stuff you wrote was funny. You made me laugh a lot and I’d have like to tell you that. I’d have liked you to know how funny I thought you were and there were other things… well let’s just say I took exception to them. What the hell is P doing writing that, I’d think. I would have liked to talk you about some of the stuff you wrote – I wanted to debate your ass!”

I laughed.

“And I was jealous of course…”

He said he had examined the AMF’s paintings of me and could tell that he loved me so he felt okay about my being with him. He said it would have been a lot worse if he felt he didn’t love me and he said that once he got used to it he, it was okay, he was just glad he could read.

“I realized you are a light to a lot of people and you were my light too. You were my light, P. You lit my way in dark times and I will never be done being grateful to you for that. There were the times where the only good thing I had was your blog to read and I was just glad it was there to be read. You’ve got a real light. You do and mo one should ever try to stop you from shining that light either because people – they need it. They need the light they get from you and I know because I was one of them. I thanked God many time for your light. I said, Lord thank you for making P and giving her that light to shine because if she was not there I don’t know what I’d do. And I realized you’ve got to keep shining it. No one should ever stop you.”

“What do you mean?

“I mean that your shining your light is the most important thing for you to do in your lifetime. It is more important you shine that light then you be married… be with some man or something like that,” he said. “I didn’t know that about you until I read for awhile and found myself relying on your light myself. But then I knew and that’s when I told myself, if you ever get to know P again you should never to anything or say anything that interferes with her and the light she shines because there are people out there relying on her and she’d got to keep shining it.”

I didn’t say anything. I just listen when he talks like this because it’s not conversation he’s after. He’s trying to convey something so I just let him.

“Basically I just promised myself and I promised God that if I ever knew you again, I would never interfere or try to stop you from shining your light because there are just too many people who need that light and you are not to be stopped or prevented or hindered in anyway from shining that light so it is there when people need it.”

These conversations were had in 2006. Looking back I see this smacks of The Little Match girl. She’s got to light her matches, doesn’t she? (tag – Little Match Girl)

Skip to Part 2 – Skulking