Open Question: Why Does My Lover Always Come Back? Commitment-Phobia
Ask the collective
Dear Elsa,
My query is this: In an intimate relationship where one person tells the other they cannot commit to them because they don’t want to be with anyone due to a past BAD experience, but they do not want to stop seeing them, and they have seen only them for the past number of years what is going on? Why has this person contacted me even during an engagement to another? Why do they always come to me? And no it is not because I am always there, for that has not always been the case.
Serial Relationship
United States
Serial, it sounds like classic commitment-phobia to me… and above board to boot. The man (or woman) you mention is simply not going to commit. Not to you, not to the person they are engaged to, not to anyone and they have given their reason (bad experience) which I suspect is shallow but very effective provided you run with a certain type.
The “certain type” is a person like you. With Jupiter, Uranus and the Moon conjunct in Libra (relationships) the one you are in is ideal! You have space, you suffer no restrictions… it goes on and off but it is a RELATIONSHIP so your needs are met whether you realize it or not.
Further, with Venus in the 12th house there are plenty of opportunities to pine and as you can see you being there / not being there for him is irrelevant.
From his end, if he summons you and you don’t pick up, I am sure he summons someone else. This serves you because he doesn’t come beat down your door and make demands when you’re not in the mood.
As for why they always come to you… I suspect they see you as “home” because the two of you are so similar, see? You’re tribe, or family.
This sound familiar to anyone? Any comments on the chart?
Click to see the chart full size
Submit your own open question
28 Responses to “Open Question: Why Does My Lover Always Come Back? Commitment-Phobia”
I agree with what you say about our being similar. We are very much alike. I should clarify some things. We met over 10 years ago. He was very interested and I gave him the impression I was not (that’s what I typically do). Anyway we did end up going out and got along well. We were both busy and lived in different towns…time went on I saw others and blew him off. He became engaged (mind you this is 8 years ago at this point) yet just a few months into it called me, came to see me tried to get me to go out with him. I moved out of state. I married. I had a baby. He ended his engagement as soon as I moved back. Then I moved out of state again, then called him. During my second move he regretfully got someone pregnant. He got custody of the baby because she is crazy. That is his bad experience. I knew he would never marry when I met him. Right then. Seriously. The very night we met I could see it. But we do have a rare natural connection, sexually, intellectually, emotionally that I cannot fully explain. It has always been there. It is intrinsic. We both feel it.
do you have any chiron connections between your charts? someone in one of Elsa’s class pointed out that people with very tight connections between their personal planets and the other person’s chiron, and vice versa, and the thing just goes on and on and on. Or, should I say, of and on and off and on and off and on….supposedly there is difficulty making a final split, ever. I have looked up some instances that I am familiar with and it totally confirmed what the person said. It’s like chiron connections are like glue. Or maybe rubber cement 
. I have no idea why, I am no expert on chiron.
He did not have sex or date from early 2003 (when his bad experience chick was pregnant) until I got back in touch with him summer 2004. So since 2004 he has seen me exclusively. I am pretty sure of this.
He is the love of my life. This I know.
That is interesting Loonsounds. I still don’t know much about chiron other than “wounded healer”.
His chiron is opposite my sun 3degrees. His birth time might not be correct if it is my sun sits right on his IC. We have mars venus conjunct 1degree. Several grand trines in our composite, unless I am reading it wrong…
Yea, this doesn’t sound like a bond that will ever break totally. Maybe if you work at it it could break totally, but doesn’t sound like you really want to do that. So your question was more like, ‘why is it like this’ versus ‘what should I do about it,’ right?
Sun right on the IC of the other person, you light up his house of home! Makes sense he keeps coming back, huh?
How strange, Loonsounds. I have an off-and-on-have-issues-so-we-can-never-be-totally-together ex and non-ex boyfriend. His Chiron is in exact conjunction with my descendant. It’s irritating. lol
It is interesting, I’d like to do a little research about this but I don’t know where I would gather a reasonably sized data set from (
“Several grand trines in our composite, unless I am reading it wrong…”
This is so intriguing to me. The charts I have with friends and interests with the most “fortunate” configurations are the most stressful. Maybe it’s because the ease of comfort with one another masks other problems or makes them seem confusing or not big enough to leave the person for until one explodes to a crazy point?
That’s what’s happened to me twice in the past couple of months. Two grand kites, one friend, one almost lover whom I thought I would end up with for a long time. They just exploded after I reached a point of tension during which I couldn’t take it anymore- the comfort didn’t mask enough.
The point I’m trying to make is that I think “fortunate” patterns in a chart might be not so good when it comes to many composites. But you’re drawn to eachother regardless because of the supposed ease they create.
I think both are my questions. He and I are both highly indivual people. Islands. It is easy for people to say find someone who wants to be with you and many have, but I don’t want them and it isn’t about wanting what you can’t have it’s just that I need more.
I noticed Elsa uses equal house chart where I used Placidus. Using Placidus I have a 5 planet stellium in the third house. He has venus in Gemini. Ascendent too.
My moon is conjunct his fourth house north node 1degree and conjunct his fourth house juno 0degrees. His moon trine my sun 3 degrees.
My mercury trine his sun 1degree. His mercury trine my sun 4 degrees.
My venus sextile his sun 1degree. His venus sextile my 0degrees.
My mars trine his uranus 1 degree, sextile his juno 0degree. His mars sextile my mercury 1degree, conjunct my venus 1degree.
Then there’s our saturn’s which trine. For extra fun his is a Capricorn saturn in the 7th house…
And we do have the pluto and uranus opposite saturn.
There’s more and I don’t know if any of it matters. Maybe it is common.
Oh and my juno is in his 7th house.
Sorry SkyPie, I’m confused: are you together, or no? I think I’m misreading something (which would be the norm as per Mercury Rx.)
Kashmiri, define together. We see each other, yes. Neither of us are currently seeing anyone else. He was engaged years ago not now.
Sorry, I thought you were married. Sorry to pry.
I didn’t take it as prying. You are fine. I tend to confuse people because I’m lazy when I tell a story.
“It is interesting, I’d like to do a little research about this but I don’t know where I would gather a reasonably sized data set from (”
Loonsounds I just checked the synastry of a live in couple I know where he hasn’t married her despite their having been together 4 years and neither can leave. Their chirons conjunct.
hm! ok, thanks for that! 
i don’t blame you for leaving out details…relationships are inherently complicated and how could you know which bit of minutia would fill in what blank for what person?
Something your questions make me think about is the different people we have in our lives…the roles they play…i’m sorry i can’t see your chart in full size; when i click on it i need to sign into xanga??
ha, thanks elsa. i thought i’d just sit here stumped for a while! i don’t know why i didn’t mention it earlier.
Alot of times people talk about relationships but one thing I have found finaces are an issue they don’t want to talk about.
Sometimes finaces are the reasons people don’t get married.
Having planets in earth signs can make a person very cautious in regards to contracts.
Sharing a bed with someone is one thing signing a contract to finance a house is another thing etc..
The chart above shows
Venus & Pluto in Virgo in the 2nd
Saturn in Taurus on the 10th
Capricorn on the 7th house cusp
Some folks are more inclined to marry if they don’t own anything. If they accumulate wealth while married the loss of that wealth to the spouse will make them stay in the marriage.
Some folks would not marry someone who has shown bad past experience with paying debts. Overdrafts on a bank account.
Unpaid bills etc
Or some over having too much debt
High credit card debt, huge child support payments
a repo man visit to the house etc..
Reality I have never agreed with you more completely as I do with that last post of yours! I think it keeps way too many marriages together which are really on the skids/rocks/whatever. And it does prevent marital contracts, I know that for a fact. Great, thoughtful post!
OK correction now I clicked on too the blown up chart
Merc in virgo in 2nd
Venus in Cancer in the 12th
secret relationships and holding on tight to relationships and things
Also having a chart on critical degrees
still srong Taurus in the 10th Saturn
and Capricorn on the 7th house cups
Venus may want for someone in secret but Saturn will guide your contracts/marriage
I get what you’re saying about finances except that is my natal chart not his.
I do think the Placidus is more accurate for me it has Virgo mercury in house 3.
Reality– boy oh boy did you hit the nail on the head with that one. Funny how when I was younger I never thought about finances in terms of influencing my romantic relationships. Now it would be a pretty big factor in deciding to legally bond or not.
Hi Sky Pie, I would say: serious people can afford unconventional relationships.
^ Thanks Conny; interesting statement.
Reality, I understand what you’re saying. In this case neither of us has bad credit or debt.
But I hate contracts.
Get A Consultation
Schedule a consultation by phone
Schedule a consultation by email
Read what clients have said about usThanks, we look forward to working with you! :-) - Elsa P
Order a Report
Order a Transit Report
Order a Solar Return Report
Order a Relationship Composite Report
Order both relationship reports, save 10%
Order a Lunar Return ReportHeads Up from Elsa P!
Sign up below to get my free weekly email newsletter covering the astrology of the next week. I send this email out every Thursday.
Recent Blog Comments
- starkttn: Uranus in 7th house aspecting mars - if there is an aQuarian dud...
- curious wanderer: Well, I was right. Got my contact from the ex today. This will p...
- yolanda_sky: Holee––kamolee! Gotta say, I like Elsa's style. Suits me ju...
- eris: wow, speak of mercury pluto... m' mercury aspects scorpio. somet...
- denise: Really true BP...I went to work and one woman was in such a bad ...
- mahchi: I agree with this. I am definitely a person who commits to a rel...
- bitsbobs: Progressed mercury conjunct pluto, mercury conjunct mars natal. ...
Recent Board Posts
- Wishing a young couple good luck with marriage - Why is that so ...
- Would you approach someone alone if...
- self love
- My son, a Libra
- Venus, Mars and Romance
- Do you realize you are potent?
- Cute Kid Pics
- Hugh Laurie announces the end of television show House
- Transiting Saturn conj natal Pluto???
- Gaslighting!
Wow!! Deja vu!! A few years back I could’ve wrote this question. My ex was someone who would pine for the person he wasn’t with at the time. Conflicted!